When will you be ready?
Today, I fear death. I fear death because I may not see nor touch my love ones anymore once I’m gone. I fear death because I may not be able to do the things that I want to do. I fear death because I may not be given the chance to correct my mistakes. I fear death because I don’t want to die single; and yeah, I still want to have a boyfriend. I fear death because I don’t want to die now, not yet, I guess.
Anyway, the realization came to me when I was riding my way home. While sitting in a public utility vehicle, I was so tired that I closed my eyes to take a nap. So many things were running in my head that I was so busy visualizing my to-do-list when I get home. I tried to rest and relax myself a little bit to uplift my energy. A few moments later, when I stopped pondering on my worries in life, I tried to focus on the sounds around me. When I did, I heard lots of voices, some were happy, some were sad, some were weary; but what caught my attention was the sound of fear from the girl beside me who’s talking to a guy whom I think was her beau.
Then I focused my sense of hearing to that girl, in a low voice she said to her guy, “You know what babe, they gave me money and I thought it was for free. I didn’t expect that they’re going to ask something in return. They forced me to do it with a guy whom I do not know. I was so scared that they’d kill me at that time because I know what they can do.” seconds of silence, the girl continued. “ You know what babe, the guy f*u** me very hard. I was so scared I just cried. I tried to kick him. But there’s nothing I can do. I am no match to him.”
Incontrovertibly, the girl was really scared. Yet, there was no response from the guy, so I guess he just didn’t know how to react. Then, a few minutes later, I opened my eyes and tried my very best to look on the face of the girl without her knowing that I was examining her. Of course, I didn’t want to give her an idea that I heard what she said to her guy. Anyway, at that moment, I saw uneasiness in her eyes. Nevertheless, it was abrupt since her guy kissed her on her cheek, so the remorse on her face was replaced with contentment. With that, I closed my eyes again…
When my eyes were already closed, again I heard same kinds of voices. But my attention was caught by the happy sound of a family sitting in front of me. They were boasting some stuff they bought at the mall. They were mentioning shoe brands, clothing brands, food chains, etc. Maybe, they enjoyed their family bonding that much and was overwhelmed with what they’d purchased. Then, a little later, their conversation came up with a current incident that happened in their neighborhood. Wherein neighbor 1 was hacked with a bolo by neighbor 2. Tsk... scary. Thereafter, a guy threw a query, “When you see a person who just died in front of you, what will be the first thing that you will do?” A girl answered, “I will call the police.” the guy threw a question again, “Won’t you at least check the pulse first?” and I was surprised with the answer of the girl for her response was, ”Why would I do that when he’s already dead.”
That’s way too frank, yet too apathetic. I mean, when a person whom you know dies in front of you, the first thing you can do is to confirm if the person is really dead, right? But forthrightly speaking, I too, would be scared and would probably just call the police instead of checking the dead person’s pulse then let them do the work. I mean, what’s the use of checking the pulse if that person is dead? Dead bodies do not have a pulse, right? Conflicting…Conflicting… Reasons…Reasons… But, Yes! I am scared of dead bodies; much more if it’s bathed with blood. By no means would I touch it. For real I can’t, even for a consideration of a million dollars, would not.
I, again, closed my eyes.
Afterwards, I heard vehicles' chorus of “beep-beeps” and the annoying sound of engines, or whatever it’s called on the streets. I was somewhat disgruntled for I hate how Mr. Driver drives, I could feel my head spinning.
Suddenly, a grinding noise from the truck tires made me open my eyes. And a force from nowhere was like pushing me towards the girl beside me. Obviously, the driver brusquely stepped on the brakes. Tsk..I hate it when drivers do that. It’s very exasperating. As I turned to the window, I can see that the vehicle I’m riding almost rammed into another vehicle. Though there was no sense of fear in the air from the people around me (perhaps, they’re already used to such kind of occurrence), deep within my lonely heart augments fear. You know, I just bumped a car the other day and the clanging sound of metals was still fresh in my head. I was scared. It might be too shallow for a reason, but I was scared. I felt like I was going to die. Much more with the speed employed by the driver, it’s as if we were flying… I thought I was going to die. And, whenever I envisage how old the rusty public vehicle I was riding at that time, my worries about the dying thing proliferates even more. (hahaha).
Yes. Death scares me. Perhaps, it’s because I still want to do many things in my life. I don’t want to die without exploring the world. I am still molding myself to be the person I want to be. And, I am not yet the person that I envisioned myself to be, so I can’t die. Not yet.
But then, if death comes knocking into your door, there’s no way you can stop it. Death is inevitable. With that, I am frightened. Now, I can relate to the girl who’s sitting beside me. The fear on her face earlier seemed to have transferred to me at that time. I can picture the fear on her face the moment she was forced to do “that thing” with a guy she barely knew. And I felt it deep within me, too. Even more, the fear within me augmented when I thought of dying without anyone succoring for my demise. I mean, dying in a place wherein you are a stranger; I don’t think there would be someone who will care. Except for your family and friends, no one will care. You might become a headline on papers, but it’s just an ordinary news for others. Yet, they do not really care about your death. No one would truly and sincerely care.
Herewith, I declare that I don’t want to be uncared. I don’t want to be thrown out in oblivion. I don’t want to die. I fear death. Well, who doesn’t? Humans fear death. Unless, you’d already done your worldly tasks and the things you want to do in life will you accept death, right? On the other hand, will this be enough for you to be ready? Leastwise, When would be the time when you are brave enough to embrace death?
Now, to end this, I ask, actually I’ve been asking this question to myself many times. So, I also want to ask you, When will you be ready...?
© 2015 Cherrey Joy Ycong