Your brain will never understand
All in all I find life an exciting adventure besides to its complexity and occasionally even unbearable moments.
The paradox of it is that the truth which I have experienced was known by me as theory for many years.
From one side it´s even scary that we are so stubborn and until we burn ourselves or until we reach an extreme moment, we would confidently reject the truth.
But from another side it´s wonderful, because it gives a hope that over time we will continue to ripen, it´s not so deaf and blind.
I want to emphasize on pain, I started to appreciate it a lot, and I ask you not run from it. You will not get to know yourself if you don´t let the pain to heal and strengthen you.
Most of all I am crying because I found myself in eternal disappointment in God and passive waiting until he corrects everything,but more like a magician,I wanted it to be instantaneous and painless.
Do you know how many years I am trying to stand by God, to glue something...
But all these years the constant things have been my anger and hatred and blaming him for everything.
When something went not according to my plan I was immediately ready to reject him and to ask millions of questions and nonstop why? why? why?
But then I realized, we do not know Him; we do not want to know Him, it's like with friends, as long as we do not analyze them, we would not understand their thinking and habits and the principles and rules; they will just seem strangers to us.
I am so sorry for God now.
We do not want to admit Him; we are ashamed of Him; we do not want to discover Him; to give a chance to love us but we are always there to indict and convict.
And very often the grace of God is not poured out on us because of sin; it creates a wall between us.
We must decide. At this stage it is the only thing required - to choose a path and then remain impotent, to fall and cry and beg about the help.
In fact, the Bible along with prayer and conversation give us all the answers.
During two years or so It might seem that I am not able to hear anything, that I am crazy,mostly this summer; it seemed to me that God does not exist and I'm kind of psycho
And there was nothing left but pain, disappointment, crying and lonelisness.
But even in that period he sat quietly and somehow miracously kept me alive.
It happened on a Sunday, I remember till details.
I climbed the stairs back home and realized how my pain cured, how it strengthen me, but here it is important to note that it did not made me callous or more rigid but exactly has softened me and filled with love.
Love and regret. Because this life is a test, this is a very complex and confusing path and only a few wish to discover the truth and give a chance to be free.
It is impossible to understand it with the brain; you cannot get there relying on logic; and not even through a miracle or a testimony of others...
You can only come there by faith and search.
Blind faith and hope are the creators of those miracles that are seen by chosen ones...