Jokes from Dad's Humor File
Here are a few other items from Dad's humor file. This particular lens is devoted to jokes about churches and pastors. This is clean humor. I suppose a good laugh now and then helps people to keep things in perspective. In a perfect world these jokes would not exist but, alas, we are not perfect people and our leaders sometimes have feet of clay, as they say.
A Guide For Pulpit Committees - Pastor's professional preparation
While this sheet will be most helpful, members of the pulpit committee must never forget that they should be guided by a higher power as they go forth to steal a preacher.
Source: H. McEachorn, Louisville, Kentucky
- Allow 25 points for an earned Th.D. from any of the Eastern divinity schools
- Allow 20 points for a Th.D. from the Southern Seminary
- Allow 15 points for a Th.D. from Southwestern University
- Allow 10 points for an honorary D.D. from Baylor
- Allow 1 point for each full year's experience as a pastor of a church of 500 members or more
- * The theological requirements may be waived if the prospective pastor was a professional athlete, astronaut, or movie cowboy.
- ** Special consideration may be afforded to those who have had some personal experience with sin - such as a former drug pusher or well-known libertine.
- Allow 2 points for each inch of height above six feet
- Deduct 2 points for each inch below five feet ten inches
- Deduct 1 point for every pound in excess of 185
- Deduct 5 points for glasses
- Allow 15 points for a full head of hair
- Deduct 10 points for an acceptable toupe
- Deduct 20 points for a head of skin
- Allow 15 points for an attractive wife
Deduct 10 points if she is obese
Deduct 5 points if she is not musically inclined or is not adept at giving devotionals
Allow 5 points for every normal child up to a maximum of three
Deduct 5 points for each child in excess of three
Deduct 5 points for each male with hair below his ears
- Allow 5 points for an announced sermon title that rhymes
- Allow 1 point for each credited quotation from Truett, Criswell, Shakespeare, or R.G. Lee
- Allow 2 points for any reference to a personal tour of the Holy Land
- Allow 1 point for each reference pertaining to Agape love
- Allow 1 point for each illustration of blessings that have accrued to those who tithed faithfully
- Allow 5 point bonus if the preacher can pray consistently and fervently in the King James dialect
Top ten reasons for sitting at the front of the church - "A cheerful heart is good medicine." Proverbs 17:22
- 10. Statistics show that the front of the church is the safest in the event of natural disaster.
- 9. You can see if anything's caught between the preacher's teeth.
- 8. There's still lots of padding in these seats since they're almost like new.
- 7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of your shirt/blouse.
- 6. It's easier to trip the ushers and deacons.
- 5. No one will hear your stomach make all those "alien" noises.
- 4. You're the treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.
- 3. You want to justify that feeling you've always had that everyone's looking at you.
- 2. You're mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one sits beside you.
- 1. You actually love worshipping God and feeding on His Word!
I Took Your Place!
One day a man went to visit a church. He got there early, parked his car, and got out. Another car pulled up and the driver got out and said, "I always park there! You took my place!"
The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat, and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You took my place!" The visitor was somewhat distressed by this strange but rude welcome but decided to say nothing.
After Sunday School the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, "That's where I always sit! You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing.
Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood up and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?" The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns and a tear fell from his eye, "I took your place."
A Living Bible
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He become a Christian while attending college.
Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but are not sure how to go about it.
One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, wearing jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. By now the people are really uptight and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do.
How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor? It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.
And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget." "Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read!"
Toot 'n Tell
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.
The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll Gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive through confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the post office."
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and — showing marvelous dexterity with his paws leafed through the book, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were so impressed that they purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog by having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog and commanded, "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
- The singles pastor was teaching a growing singles group on the subject of love. He said, "Every young man wants to hear those three little words that will make him walk on air. What are they?" One girl answered, "Go hang yourself!"
- The preacher was calling for prayer requests. He urged that folks pray faithfully for those names and needs mentioned. "Yes, let's pray for John's new job; don't forget Brother Carlson's bad cold, and let's continue to hold Sister Smith's leg up in prayer.m
- The Sunday School teacher, holding up her Bible, asked, "What book contains more stirring pages than any other book?" She got a quick answer, "A cook book."
- Pastor Albert Jackson once complimented his parishioners, "This church is filled with wonderful wen and memen."
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
Isn't it amazing how God works in our lives? On a Saturday night several weeks ago this pastor was working late and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10 PM but his wife didn't answer the phone.
The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. he asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.
The following Monday the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he's used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and range, but I didn't answer."
The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID and it said, 'Almighty God.' I was afraid to answer!"
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
Pastor painting a church
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in the sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Satan visits the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
A little girl wants to go
A little 9-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," the little girl repliec. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'for the sick.'"
What is God's name?
A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.
"Oh, that's easy," the man replied, "His name is Andy."
"what makes you think his name is Andy?" the angel asked.
"Well, you see, at church we used to sing this song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'"
A sermon about lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Taxi driver in heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
"Come with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size pool.
"wow, thank you," said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word."
"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."
Why go to church?
If you're spiritually alive, you are going to love this! If you are spiritually dead, you won't want to read it. If you are spiritually curious, there is still hope!
A churchgoer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
When you are DOWN to nothing... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
"When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?"
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grump, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed. And from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help! Amen.
One Sunday a preacher told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, santly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
More church humor
- A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
- A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, and 4 poorer."
- After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
- A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
- A boy was watching his father, a pastor, prepare a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
- A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
- After the dedication of this baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us to be brought up in a Christian home and I want to stay with you guys!"
- Terry asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus." Ms. Terry said, "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius — the pilot."
- The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No, sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."
- Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, " After a worship service at his church, a mother with a fidgety 7-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" It worked.
- A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into Hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trap door would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into Hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope and the actor began his plunge, but became stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled, "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
- A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me, too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't He?"