Church of Chortle
Welcome to the Church of Chortle
The Church of Chortle is dedicated to the worship of wit, whimsy and wonk.
Anyone amused at the thought of sharing a pew with a Goddess of Giggles and the Guru of Grin-And-Bear-It is most welcome to join in the fun and frivolity. And, in the spirit of sacred snickering and holy smoke hilarilty, we also offer humorous hymns for chuckle-challenged grown-ups and mirthful meditations for miscellaneous merry-impaired munchkins.
If you think that God has a sense of humor, then you will really appreciate the best place in the world to observe it -- St. Louis du Ha! Ha! (in the province of Quebec, Canada)!
THE TROUBLE WITH ATHEISM IS, THERE'S NO HOLIDAYS! (Image Credit: Yasenzz@flickr.com)
WIT AND WISDOM FROM THE BIG BOOK
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." -- G.K. Chesterton, 20th century British author.
(Image Credit: email@example.com)
Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us we're put in a loony bin?
"I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is."
-- Charles Lamb --
WORSHIPPERS WANTED & THOSE WILLING TO ANSWER THE BIG QUESTION
Does God have a sense of humor?
"If only God would give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss Bank."
-- Woody Allen, American actor and comedian --
PLEASE GOD, LET THERE BE LOTS OF SUNSHINE TO MELT AWAY ALL THE SNOW.
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
-- Mark Twain --
BELLY-LAUGHING IS HEALTHY FOR THE MIND, BODY & SPIRIT! - Life Lesson #1: Levity always defies gravity!
If you can't rub a Buddha's belly, at least give your silly synapses a daily dose of drollery.
- THE QUIPPING QUEEN BLOG
For those worship wonky wunderkins, check out this intriguing imperial bit of impiety!
- THE LIFE OF BRIAN
Ever wanted to get your hands on a copy of the Monty Python script ...forget Jeepers Creepers ...it's Jolly Jehovah!
- BOING BOING
Simply put, a dazzling directory of wonderful things that can make you laugh out loud, raise your eyebrows, or scratch your head in amazement.
- CLOWN MINISTRY HANDBOOK
All you need to spread the "Gospel of Greasepaint and Giggles"!
- VICAR OF DIBLEY
A terrific BBC series about an eccentric parish in England with a vixen vicar named "Geraldine".
- HOLY COWS ON PARADE
Now here's a rather fine source of sacred cows on parade!
- WHOOPEE WORKOUTS & YUK YUK YOGA
This is the home of healthy hee-haw exercises -- where a yuk yuk a day keeps the doctor away!
- BOISTEROUS BLASPHEMIES
A very long list of fictional expletives one can use in place of those naughty words one wouldn't be caught dead saying in the company of ladies or babies.
- PUTTING THE FUN IN FUNERAL!
What does a church full of comedians look like?
- EGADS MORE EXCUSES
Wanna skip your weekly trek to the tabernacle...try these on for size!
- ESTABLISH YOUR OWN CHURCH
If you're bored with big brand religions or miffed at mirthless mega-churches, here's the microreligion solution!
- HOLIER THAN U EDUCATION
A wacky bit of wikiality from "The Truthiness Encyclopedia".
- WORD OF GOD GOT YOU DOWN...TRY A NEW VOCABULARY
Need a few more daffy definitions to round out your vaunting Vatican vocabulary?
- EGADS ITS ECCLESIASTICAL!
Good-natured god-like glossarists will be pleased to hear that someone has come up with a rather fine compendium of titillating tabernacle terms.
- PUTTING THE "FUN" BACK IN FUNDAMENTALISM!
Little Mosque on the Prairie is sure to become a hiliarious hit with the hayseed hooka crowd!
- GURU OF GUFFAW
Jest-in-time joyology...just what everyone needs!
- SAVE A SPIRE
For those who want to adopt a gargoyle or sponsor a spire in jolly old England.
Frisbeetarianism saved me from a fate worse than ...
- LIFE IS SHORT-LAUGH IT UP!
A line of ludicrously funny greeting cards!
- DILBERT'S DOGMA
What would religion be like if it based on the teachings of Donald Trump?
- LOOPHOLES IN LITURGY
You mean heaven is really Hollywood?
- THE SKEPTIC'S DICTIONARY
More about delightful deceptions and strange beliefs.
- CHURCH OF THE SACRED SWINE
Home to the holy sow and the Great Pig.
- ORIGINAL CYN
Not your average "Goody-Two-Shoes" novel.
- HOLY ROAD TRIP
The spiritual road path to the big G is filled with pierogies, a bobcat, and one hell of a big TV.
- CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE
Where spirits go on their sabbaticals of course!
- BOOK HEAVEN
A great source of spiritual sustenance and serendipity.
- BLARNEY BOOKSHELF
If you need a blarney booster...try this one!
- ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT "42"
"42" ...the answer to everything in the universe naturally!
- INNOVATIVE CHURCHES
Wired on worship!
- Off-THE-WALL WORSHIP
Come be Hosed...Healed! Go To Church - Get Free Chicken! Wings, Short-Shorts & God?
- THE NEW DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Did the old devil dictionary go out of style?
- THE ORIGINAL DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
Beelzebub's Bible never looked better!
- MERELY MORTAL...
"Merely Mortal" is good enough to get you into the Church of Chortle!
- CHURCH OF STOP SHOPPING
Drop by and take a peek at Reverend Billy's Church of Stop Shopping and the Gospel Choir.
- IF GOD MADE THE UNIVERSE, WHO MADE GOD?
A delightful ditty for all manner of damsels and dudes!
- THERE IS NO GOD BUT YODA
For the "UK Church of the Jedi", (who honor the good knights of the Star Wars cosmic catechism, there is no God but Yoda); services include sermons on "the Force", light sabre training not to mention Meditation Techniques (Relaxation) and "Peaceful C
- TEMPLE OF TOOTHPASTE
The "Temple of Toothpaste" is a non-denominational dental facility that welcomes all who believe in the "Tooth Fairy" and clean, sparkling, white teeth!
- THE FLYING NUN
A terrific 6o's TV comedy, "The Flying Nun", starred Sally Field as Sister Bertrille (who might otherwise have been called "The Goddess of Glitch & Guffaws")!
- CHURCH OF WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW!
American comedian, Flip Wilson played the role of 'Reverend Leroy' (a heavenly huckster) and minister in the "Church of What's Happening Now!"...who was known for his famous catchphrases: "What you see is what you get!" and "The Devil made me do it."
- SEVEN DEADLY ZINS
Although the "Seven Deadly Zins" is a witty, winsome wine ...it's makers in America take no responsibility for any potty parishioners who take one too many sips at Sunday worship.
- INFLATABLE CHURCH
Are you looking for a portable pulpit and pews to go along with it...then here's the church for you, (provided you've got lots of pucker power)!
- EROTICA FOR THE EVANGELICAL SET
A quick glance at what the evangelical set are buying in the way of entertaining erotica will surprise you. But then, what the bleep do I know about these blessed books?
- DIVINE COMEDY
An enlightening if not entertaining look at "Churches ad hoc: A Divine Comedy".
"In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better." -- Ellen DeGeneres
THE MIRTHFUL MEANING OF LIFE
Image Credit: Garfield cartoon courtesy of kasia firstname.lastname@example.org
If you're an atheist and swear on the Bible, have you committed perjury?
For those who give a sweet tweet about life!
THE ULTIMATE ANSWER TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE & EVERYTHING
Next time you run into a sees-all-knows-all...!
When life gives you lemons, it's not the time to wonder what to do with a bowl full of cherries. Leave that to philosophers and government policy analysts.
After all, when in the company of lemons, (those with a jaundiced look on their face with a bitter disposition), it's probably best to admire the juice.
So, ask the fruity one what is the "Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything" in twenty-five words or less.
If the lemon has some difficulty coming up with a short, sweet and scintillating answer just smile, bless this fruit that dropped from the tree of knowledge, and walk on.
LIFE LESSON 42: "If you want the juice on how to live a happy life, don't squeeze a sourpuss".
And if you need to flaunt your funny bone, why not pontificate from a public pew in the The Church of 80% Sincerity in Victoria, B.C.
Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.
Douglas Adams, from "Mostly Harmless"
THE CHURCH OF CHEEKY CHERUBS - Always speaks the naked truth!
"In heaven all the interesting people are missing."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, 19th century German philosopher --
THE TAO OF COW
Or how to makes friends with cowboys and cow pies.
So what can a cow teach me life and the pursuit of happiness?
Cows are not all black and white, like life. So appreciate the "how now brown cows" that show up at your doorstep unannounced. Smile, after all it could have been a frigging flying pig!
Some chew their cud quietly while others are more like sitting bulls in a china shop. Bless them both, 'cause they're all God's critters. And just consider yourself lucky that you didn't have to explain to your family, friends, and buddies at work why you have a pink elephant sitting in your living room!
Unless you want to look "udderly" ridiculous, it's probably not a good idea to try and milk a sacred cow for all it's worth. And whatever you do, don't push veggies in a barnyard full of blessed beef. In fact, avoid the Holy Cow lobby, or you could be in deep doo for the rest of your life and into the next one!
When life gets you down, you can always add an egg yolk, cinnamon and nutmeg plus a shot of rum to the milk of human kindness. And don't forget to invite your cowboy colleagues over to share in some good cheer, 'cause that's what the "Tao of Cow" is all about!
LIFE LESSON 37.52: "Deja Moo" - the feeling one gets after having heard an inordinate amount of bull for one day.
OUR CHURCH OF CHINWAGS & CHUCKLES
Ticklish Taglines Wanted for Temple of Titillation
Below is a selection of the best tacky taglines received by "Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles" to promote its new "Temple of Titillation".
WARNING: Tacky taglines may cause harmful side-effects such shrieking, smirking or snorting, thus undermining the health and well-being of bashful born-again bible-thumpers. If this is the case, weak-willed worshippers are advised to avoid participating in either the bi-weekly "Chortle Church Challenge" or the monthly "Marathon of Mirth".
Honk if you're flawed...You're in the running for the Devil's Advocate Award!"
God loves skinny dippers; that's why you were born in a birthday suit!
I've been to Graceland and the Wasteland, so what are you offering?
Do I look like a "Ring My Chimes" sorta guy to you?
Me ...Take The Road Less Travelled ...you gotta be kidding!
We've got the babes and boogie boards, whad'ya mean St. Peter can't find the Pearly Gates Beach Resort!
To download "Jesus Loves Me" ring tones, you'll need a cell phone ma'am.
You want me to follow that Yellow Brick Road?
Before I take this heavenly journey, does it come with a scenic route and free snacks?
You mean there's a posted speed limit on the Highway to Heaven?
I'm not going up that creek without a paddle and a prayer thank you!
Watch your step, sacred cow crossing ahead!
I'd like to sign up for that "Walk on Water Course".
Voice-mail message: "You have reached Cloud Nine, please leave your name and number and we'll return your call when spirit moves us!"
If God doesn't fish, play golf, or shoot pool, exactly what does he do on his day off?
Okay, if God can mend a broken heart, why can't he share the weekly winning lottery number with me?
Trust me ... My Karma can run over your Dogma in five seconds flat!
If God doesn't drink, gamble, or lapdance, how come visitors to Vegas always say, "God only knows what got into me"?
Going around in never-ending circles is not my idea of eternal serenity!
Stay tuned for the next episode of "Parting the Red Sea the Easy Way!"
"Immaculate Conception" -- truly a spotless match made-in-heaven!
So next time you're wondering what to do while waiting in line at the supermarket, perhaps you can come up with some snappy one-liners for "Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles", the more the merrier!
The Lord's words about lipstick...
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
WIT & WHEE FOR FREE
Overheard in the back pew:
My husband and I dovorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. G.K. Chesterton (20th century English writer).
Image Credit: Ian Marsden email@example.com
THE GIGGLE GUIDE TO SPIRITUAL SERVICES
Excerpts from Susan Riley's The West Coast Hotel Guide to Religious and Spiritual Services in British Columbia - The Lampoon.
ANGLICAN - St. Agnes-Didn't-Do-It (In the Fields)
High mass at 11 a.m., Sunday; 7:30 p.m., evensong in adjacent fieldstone chapel. Pet baptisms and blessings by arrangement. Temporary golf club memberships at Royal Shaughnessy for visitors. (Reverend David Leaning-Grimley)
EASTERN - Institute for Applied Zen
Become a crack Nissan sales rep through diligent application of ancient Zen principles. Chanting at 5 a.m. hourly. Purification ritual at 8 p.m., lights out at 9 p.m. For all visitors, soup and sushi. (Master Miso Shuri)
EVANGELICAL - Zip-e-dee-do-dah Gospel Hall
Join the fun, speak in tongues, every Wednesday 8 p.m. On Sundays, the nuclear service: all (normal, God-fearing, middle-class, heterosexual families) welcome. Dress code in effect. (Pastor Ernest B. Klein)
MAMAISM - Church of the Risen Goddess
Monthly services. Loving, open healing for all wymmin and girls. Menstration circles, fertility rites, and spiritual midwifery. Childcare in church basement provided by male support group. No black capes and pointy hats upstairs. (Sister Krista Robinsdaughter)
ROMAN CATHOLIC - Eglise des Petites Servants de Dieu Perdu (Followers of the Lost God Church)
Benediction, Sundays 3 p.m. English as a second language, 5 p.m. Self-defence, 8 p.m. (Father Pierre Lapierre)
VEGETARIANISM - World Whole Grain Assembly (formerly Our Lady of Perpetual Kelp)
Searching for the kernel midst the chaff. Fasting, purging and fire worship on Tuesdays. (Food Guide: Marth, R.N.)
GLORY BE TO GOD WHO GAVE US SHINS ...SO WE CAN FIND THINGS IN THE DARK!
THE MINISTRY OF CASUAL LIVING
The Ministry of Casual Living, (celebrating it's fifth anniversary in 2007), prides itself on being accessible to accidental tourists, little lost souls, not to mention those who run away from the circus because they're afraid of clowns.
Not your typical tabernacle of tee-hee, the Ministry offers a wide range of ripsnorting rituals to keep casual living consumers satisfied. These include touching toes ten times before breakfast, tip toeing through the tulips before noon, and trouncing an amusing assortment of tongue-lashing trolls with a Wonder-Wand before bedtime.
The spunky store-front space is ideal for showcasing a selection of their arcane activities which include why blowing bubble-gum is a healthy alternative for creative lifestyle loafers, tips on how to kiss the Blarney Stone for best results, and where to find the 65th crayon in a blinking box of only 64.
So next time you're in the capital of Flakes, Fruitcakes and Nuts (Victoria, British Columbia, Canada), do drop by to take a peek at the curious curatorial exhibits in the windows at 1442 Haultain.
And while you're there taking in the all manner of enigmatic and sometimes provocative public art, you might want to pray for the continued support that it receives from obscure, odd, and sometimes off-the-wall people who travel there on bus, bike or foot just to see the latest works by professional painters and nifty 'non' artists.
Hello God ... Are You There? ...
Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon - lastlemon.com/4727a
BOISTEROUS BLASPHEMIES FOR BORES
There's nothing worse in a world filled with celebrities, sports heroes, and general all round smashing somebodies to be known as a "bore".
The only thing that could be worse is being given the title, "Chairman of the Bored".
Fortunately there is a time-honored technique to overcome this tedious if not tiresome tribulation.
The answer: egregious use of expletives. In plain English, it means the conspicuous and creative use of curse words, (all designed to transform mirthless mavens and monotonous monsieurs into the life of any office party).
For timid types not wishing to be caught dead using the "f" word in polite company, there's an endless list of fictional expletives waiting to serve your every need.
So spice up your next vapid conversation with a bit of nice juicy jargon.
-- "I believe the boss ordered floppy disks not 'Crabby Dicks'!"
-- "He has a few cracks in the Orb which probably accounts for the fact that he was promoted so quickly to "Chief Cakesniffer".
-- "Holy Zarquon I new this was going to be different, but 'they' must have known what 'they' were getting when 'they' hired that nimnul nerfherder didn't they?"
-- "What the photon happened when I was gone?"
-- "Oh Puckeruts,why did I count on you to lead us out of temptation anyway."
-- "That scuzzpuck son of a biscuit had the nerve to put my pet project on ice!"
-- "Look, the wonker couldn't fit a widget into a Wankel Rotary Engine if he tried!"
-- "If you're such a smarty-pants, what's the difference between a spongehead and a spoonhead?"
-- "Oh my stars and garters, will you look at what the suckmuppet's wearing on Casual Friday; it's enough to make anyone go zoinks!"
For more colorful additions to conversation, please see the lovely list of little words and phrases above in the link list marked boisterous blasphemies,
The Devil made me do it!
What would the world of wit and worship be without the antics of Flip Wilson!
"I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with." -- O'Rourke, P.J. (1989), Holidays in Hell
EXCUSES WHY YOU CAN'T COME TO CHURCH
From time to time, the Church of Chortle recognizes that smile-challenged souls often find it difficult to attend a giggle-gathering.
Believe me, we've heard all the excuses in the book as to why playful parishioners feel the need to skip their weekly visit to our spiritual snickering site.
The Guru of Guffaw told me that I could take the day off, so there!
If God locked himself in the bathroom it's not my fault; besides, how come the Lord of the Loo won't let him out instead of asking me to pay for his mistakes?
I've had my fill of miracles for one week, so please take your burning bush somewhere else!
Three Wise Guys showed up at my front door last night looking for a dog in a manger. You'd think they'd come up with a better story than that to make me part with my mutt named "Hannibal".
If Christmas is coming and the geese are getting fat, tell me again why should I put my money in your white rabbit's hat when I don't even believe in Bugs Bunny?
Look I'm tired of all those "thou shalt nots"...when can we bend the rules and have some fun for a change with a few "thou shalts"!
If you think I'm going to give up a day of heavy-duty shopping and walking my hound, you're very much mistaken!
Now for some more entertaining excuses, plesae take a peek at the link above marked EGADS MORE EXCUSES.
LET THERE BE LIGHT!
Of course I believe in lay-leadership! Why don't you lead the way and be the first to lay down and shut-up!!
PRAYERS FOR PRANKSTERS
PITTY POT PRAYERS FOR PONTIUS PILOTS & PRANKSTERS
THE SERENITY SHAFT:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to obliterate today because they got on my nerves.
PS: Help me to be careful of the toes that I step on today, as they may be connected to the feet that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
WITLESS WORDS OF WONDER:
Help me to give 100% at work this week:
-- 12% on Monday
-- 23% on Tuesday
-- 40% on Wednesday
-- 20% on Thursday
and 5% on Casual Friday.
MUSCLE MAGIC PRAYER:
And help me to remember when I am having a bad day,
And it seems that people are trying to wind me up:
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile,
And only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!
And if none of these work, pick up a copy of Offbeat Prayers for the Modern Mystic, (see the oddball book collection below for more details).
A LIGHT-HEARTED LITURGICAL LOOPHOLE...
Why did God give men nipples?
FUNNY PHOBIAS FOR THE FAITH-MINDED
Whether one believes in Tooth Fairy, Frosty the Snowman or Father Christmas, when push comes to shove, everyone may have a fear or two they would just as soon keep under wraps.
We are deeply indebted to an erstwhile team of mental health practitioners, witch doctors and secular sorcerists who have worked diligently to compile a short list of the most flagrant phobias that might pose problems for bible-thumpers and liturgy-lovers.
geliophobia - a fear of laughter (which usually arises since they are often missing critical body parts such as funnybones)
hagiophobia - a fear of saints or holy things (such the Saint of Missing Socks, Holy Smoke, and sacred cows)
hierophobia - a fear of prists (especially defrocked dudes)
homilophobia - a fear of sermons (usually involving the proverbial protaganists known as the Fickle Finger of Fate, God's Right Hand Man, or Mighty Moses & Friends)
kosmophobia - a fear of the cosmos or cosmic phenomena (such as shooting stars, Superman, or Spiderwoman...and why not!)
Papaphobia - a fear of the Pope (especially those who like humping in the holyfuds without subscribing to the papal notion of Immaculate Conception)
pneumatophobia - fear of spirits (especially the wicked ones emanating from fermented barley, grapes, and sugar cane)
Satanophobia - fear of Satan (who lurks about in frying pans, hot-tubs, and toasters not to mention in orgasmic chili peppers!)
scerlerophobia - fear of evil and evil-doers (especially aliens from outer space, bubble-gum chewers, and naughty ladies from Shady Lane)
staurophobia - fear of crosses or the crucifix (no doubt a past-life regressions due to far too many campfire sing-songs and nail-finishing parties)
stygiophobia - fear of hell (also known as wicked warm spots with far too many titillating temptations)
uranophobia - fear of heaven (where far too many angelic cream-cheese lovers and flying nuns hang out)
The authority on the vanishing vertically-challenged.
You never have to be a gnome alone again!
Not for the squeamish or faint of heart!
How to figure out if you've got goblins and what to do about them.
Advice from the Pulpit: Vicar of Saint-Loony-Up-The-Cream-Bun-In-Jam
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Just when you think you've seen them all. Good heavens you mean there are more giggling gaffes, belly-laughing boo-boos or just plain tantalizing typos?
"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water'. The sermon for tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'."
"The peace-making meeting scheduled today has been cancelled due to a conflict."
"For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th. So ends a friendship that began in their schooldays."
"A baked-bean supper will be held in the church hall on Tuesday evening. Music will follow."
"Pot-luck supper Sunday evening at 5:00 pm prayer and medication to follow."
"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies in the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
"Low-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 pm. Please use the back door."
"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakspeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
Vicar of Dibley - Dawn French and Friends
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
WORSHIPPING WICKED WIT & WRY WENCHES.
AND NOW A FEW WORDS FROM THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
Ambrose Bierce, (1842-1914), an American editorialist, journalist, short-story writer and satirist has a few words to add on behalf of faithful funnyboners.
A sample of dandy ditties from his delightful dictionary about a dude known as "the devil".
Abstainer: n. a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Absurdity: n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Bacchus: n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Bigot: n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion you do not entertain.
Destiny: n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
Faith: n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Happiness: n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Heaven: n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Patience: n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Pray: v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Regret: n. The sediment in the cup of life.
Religion: n. A goodly tree, in which all the ful birds of the air have made their nests.
Repentance: n. A sentiment which rarely troubles people until they begin to suffer.
Un-American: adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
Universalist: n. One who foregoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
And last but not least, Mr. Bierce offers a bit of wit and wisdom on world affairs: War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Image Credit: firstname.lastname@example.org
THE TEMPLE OF TOMES & TITILLATION - Where Wags Worship Naturally.
The Temple of Tomes & Titillatation offers an oddball collection of curiousities to tickle your featherbrain or funnybone.
Snappy One-Sentence Sermons for Sound-Byte Types
Miraculous Messages from a Munchkin!
Better than carrying a big stick and a long carrot!
Belly-laughing made easy!
Have you tried a giggle with your grace?
NEW ADDITIONS TO THE BOISTEROUS BELIEVER BOOKSHELF
When your spirits are sagging, fear not...just pick-up where these books left off!
- Brotherhood: Being a Presentation of the Principles of Odd Fellowship by Thomas G. Beharrell
- How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign by Adele Lang
- The Odd Spot of Bother by Barry Crump & John Crawley
- Getting a church started in the face of insurmountable odds with limited resources in unlikely circumstances: How to establish a church based on a study of ten new congregations (unknown binding) by Elmer L. Towns
- New Wine in Old Wineskins: Evangelicals and Liberals in a Small-Town Church by R. Stephen Warner
- Odd Man Out: Observations from the Periphery of Society by Daniel R. Alverez
- Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller
- Thank God For a Funny Face by Hugh Lloyd-Jones
- God Is A Woman: Dating Disters by Ian Coburn
- Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
- Wrinkles are God's Makeup: How Can You Find Meaning In Your Evolving Face by Rose Rosetree
- Hey God, Got A Minute?: Good Questions To Ask The Next Time The Big Guy Calls You In For A Chat by John Barr
- Hey, God! Adult Letters to God by Kip Conlon
- God Save The Sweet Potato Queens by Jill Conner Browne
- How Long Is God's Nose? by John Timmer
- He Who Laughs Last: Having the Joyful Life God Intended by Roy H. Hicks
- The Night Life of the Gods by Thorne Smith
- Oh My God! Are You Talking To Me? (Conversations with Jesus - Book 1) by G. Penial
- Donkeys Still Talk: Hearing God's Voice When You're Not Listening by Virelle Kidder
- Help, Lord! I'm Having a Senior Moment: Notes to God on Growing Older by Karen O'Connor
- Does God Have A Big Toe?: Stories About Stories in the Bible by Marc Gellman
- When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? by George Carlin
- The Box (Jesus Had a Tough Job) by G. Penial
- Mr. & Mrs. God in the Creation Kitchen by Nancy Wood and Timothy Basil Ering
Why do they put the Gideon Bibles only in the bedrooms, where it's usually too late, and not in the barroom downstairs?
-- Christopher Morley from "Contribution to a Contribution" --
THE LIFE OF BRIAN - ENDING
Always look on the bright side...and remember whatever you do..."the last laugh's on you!"
SPEAKING OF GOD...
Speaking of God...here's what a few pen pals have to say:
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank." -- Woody Allen
"God is silent, now if only we can man to shut up." -- Woody Allen
"God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project." -- Anonymous
"God will always be a Tory." -- Lord Byron
"I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose." -- Clarence Darrow
"Do I believe in God? Let's say we have a working relationship." -- Noel Coward
"Zeus, 'the God of wine and whoopee'"." -- Garrison Keillor
"God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country." -- Mark Twain
"If the average man is made in God's image, then such a man as Beethoven or Aristotle is plainly superior to God." -- H.L. Mencken
"I don't know why it is that the religious never ascribe common sense to God." -- Somerset Maugham
Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon by Lisa Swerling &n Ralph Lazar
Is aetheism a non-prophet organization?
SAVE YOUR SOUL ...HUG A HO-HO-HO!
So which hero of hilarity would you like to hug today?
LAUGHABLE LESSONS FROM THE TREE OF LIFE
-- Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup, the roots go down and the plant goes up, and nobody knows really how or why but we're all like that.
-- Have you ever heard of a branch having a self-identity crisis with its leaves?
50 GIGGLE GUIDES TO LIFE - (Sponsored by the Goddess of Giggles of course)
"Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine." -- Lord Byron
Two have croaked but not on Coke!
Not your average balderdash in Brigadoon.
Listen up twits...it's God here!
For those who like juicy reading material!
For those who like poetry instead of prayers.
The Holy Ghost is great behind the scenes!
Welcome to the Beelzebub Boys Club!
A great source of wit for wedding toasts!
Great as a naughty nuptial gift.
All you need to know about nuns and puns!
Do you have trouble getting to the church on time?
Lends new meaning to acts of god.
A collection of comical cosmic conundrums.
For non-believers and neologists.
For enlightened loafers and lollygaggers.
All about legal loopholes in the liturgy?
All about delightful deceptions, droll dogmas, and dangerous delusions.
Better than a twisted image in a funhouse mirror!
All about God on a good day.
The funny Forces of Darkness are alive well!
Nothing but the bare essentials for buxum bookworms only!
A Canuck's jest-in-time journey through Japan.
Best consumed with a grain of salt.
Where worshipping wonk comes naturally!
Where pith and vinegar prevail!
For those who love pixies and pendants.
All about finding fairies and drawing them.
For those who prefer goblins to gods.
Meet Lucifer's litany of lollygaggers.
For the wimps and worrywarts in your life!
A brilliant bible of bosh for babes!
For those who like pouting and praise.
Hmmm...do you think God likes enchiladas?
Broomstick babes will adore this rendition.
Wanna see a dragon who can munch on lettuce?
Fallen angels really love this one!
So who likes pet rocks and playing on Pluto?
Irreverent guide to intimacy &
For the bible-thumping bunny-loving crowd.
What do Caesar and Jeremiah have in common?
A collection of bodacious brilliant bon mots!
A compendium of quips from the crypt?
The spirit of satire is alive and well!
This is one prayer book you'll never forget!
Warning: May enlighten, entertain and offend.
All about a Zaphod-free zone with a Rain God.
All about Arthur Dent, Trillian and the God of Thunder.
A best-seller by Reverend Smoothello G. Debaclous.
For heaven's sake, why not!
Endorsed by the Dirty Girls Social Club?