do I like color blue?
do I like color blue?
"Do you like color blue?"
My mother was a tailor,able to transform one of her big skirt in a little summer dress,a shirt in a pair of "spillhosen" with lace and silk collar...
Dora asks me today if I like color blue.I realize that I was never given the choice to choose.Generally I was told what to do,what to like,to dislike as well.And I obeyed.No spite,no questions.I obeyed to the family,to the teachers,to the comunist rules,to the husband,to the boss...When M. told me to leave I just left without to defend myself,or ask for audience,or confront her.
As far as I remember,in conversations I was always waiting for a gap so I could fit in with my remarks. By the time I could adventure with an opinion between two phrases,it was somehow not adequate anymore,which made me look and sound slow or weird.The wine was already warm between my palms and the discussion moved to another subject.
I know now that many times I could change bad situations by simply explaining myself,making myself heard.
I know now that in a perfect world I would be right,the liars would become mute before even starting to word a lie.But in real life?
Do I like color blue? If drawing,yes,if dreaming,yes,if thinking about it,yes...
In the real world I never had a thought about what I like.But I was living in a world of love and trust."We can not afford that dress at the store but..." and my mother made that wonderful dress that I wore so proud untill it did not fit me anymore.She was able to combine the grey "starky" fabric of an old pair of pants with a pink silk scarf: the corset was grey,the sleeves and collar made out of pink silk,the three buttons on the chest were pink and the skirt,after hugging my little,just-forming hips,was widening and ending in a delicate trim made with the rest of the silk.I could not ask for more.And my life was like this: I could close my eyes and let myself fall,someone was always there to catch me.And I let myself be loved like this,and I trusted them to choose for me.
Only,now,I don't know if I like the color blue.
I am from Europe,that is my "excuse". The american nurse,when told by the manager that she is not good enough,will argue that there is not another nurse better than her.She is trained this way,this is her respect for herself and demands other's respect as well.In Europe it is bad taste to brag about yourself.If the others do not see your value and admit it,than you are in the wrong place,among wrong people.
I have to stick with myself: so used to have not to choose,so used to be european,not able to decide if the color blue is my favorite.Who cares,anyway?