Finding Myself Part 1
For so long I felt aimless and found myself not living but merely existing! How could this be when I went to college, had goals for myself and was TRYING to live for God? I was getting older and had nothing to really show for myself and the nearly 30 years I had been roaming the planet! Hmmm, what had happened to the girl who used to be so determined and ambitious? Well, I had given up on myself somewhere between multiple heartbreaks and a soul penetrating case of anger!!
I grew tired of feeling as if there was something missing in my life and began mission to discover who I really am and who I am in Christ! I knew this would be a bold move on my part because I didn't know what to expect, but I had to believe that whatever happened as I started had to be better than the life I was leading! I had to move in faith. Faith will cause you to move. One can't just stand in one position and yell "I have faith" day in and day out without any action! So, I began!
I began by going back. I had 15 journals that held 6 years of my life from the age of 15-21. I began to read them and found that at almost 30 my mind was stuck way back in time!! As I read I often shook my head! I was just dumbfounded that in some respects I still had the mind of a 15 year old when it came to relationships with men! At the age of 15 I was in a extremely verbally and emotionally abusive relationship! Wow! As I read I was so sad for this girl who had allowed a boy to treat her in such a manner. This girl bought into the lie that if this boy left her she would be alone because no one else would dare look her way. She believed she was ugly and unworthy even of the "love" she was receiving from this young man. My heart went out to this girl who had written pages and pages of events that happened between her and her boyfriend who she really believed loved her. Never-mind that he called her everything but a child of God, or that he was controlling and jealous. No, never-mind that! He loved her! My heart ached for her!
After reading a few entries, I began to ask God why did I ever allow someone, many actually, to treat me in such a manner? What was implanted in me to make me believe I was unworthy at the age of 15? God took me back to third grade. That was when I went on my first diet because a boy in my class teased me everyday for being, ummm, harmoniously proportionate! Everyday!! Thus began my self loathing and my desire for love and approval from men. Wow! What a revelation that was in itself! My journey had begun, and I knew God and I would have some work to do!
Have you ever been aimless and without purpose and no idea why?