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Forgiveness: The Reason I am so Close to God!

Updated on April 15, 2012

Forgiveness: The Reason I Am So Close To God!

Forgiveness, well that’s the story of my life and the reason why I feel so close to God.I have had so many different instances that I had to work on forgiveness with and I have found it hard to pick which situation to write on.I know God gave me each lesson in life to make me stronger and so that each situation as the Holy Spirit works thru me will allow His spirit to shine. I do this as to glorify His name and in believing that if God has bought me through these situations in my life that He can certainly bring you through whatever situation you have in your life that needs forgiveness.I hope and pray what I share will be a blessing to you.

One morning in 1982 I woke up to my dad standing over my bed telling me to get up and go downstairs.It was my 10th birthday and like any 10 year old I had such joy as I got out of bed.I ran down the steps and there was my dad greeting me with a beautiful doll lamp and a huge birthday hug.He left for work singing me happy birthday as he went out the door and my day continued on like normal until around 7 o’clock that night.That’s when the phone rang and that’s when I found out my dad had been killed by a drunk driver.My dad, not my real father but better than my real father, was a police officer killed in the line of duty.My life and those of my mom and my brother were forever changed at that moment.Still to this day almost 30 years later they haven’t found true forgiveness of this situation.They still remorse, they still harbor ill feelings and because of this I don’t think they will ever live the full life of freedom that I do.It stinks.You can show people the way of God’s forgiveness but it doesn’t mean they will always listen.This is why you have control of your life and other people have control of theirs.You have to forgive for YOU!So you can sleep on your pillow at night, so you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I am ok!’

I cannot begin to tell you the pain that was put into my life at the moment we found out my dad had been killed.This man was my dad a substitute for the father that I once had that really didn’t care if I was alive, dead or whatever.He was the substitute for the man that should have been taking care of me, a man that didn’t want me.A man who eventually I spoke to the day before he died and when I did I prayed for him, he couldn’t speak, he was dying of cancer.I told him I forgave him for not being there and told him if I did anything wrong to forgive me.That was my father and that was another hurt, another person to forgive.

Another part of the story of my dad’s death is that a month prior to when he got killed he had made me so mad that I whispered under my breath, “I wish you would die!”Imagine how this one comment affected and infected my brain.For years I thought, “I did it!I caused my dad to die!I wished it!I said it!God listened and He punished me for being so evil!He even made it happen on my birthday just because what I said was so bad!” Heaven of a thing for a 10 year old to think! These types of thoughts plagued me for years. They plagued me on and off for 20 years to be exact until on my 30th birthday I felt a tug at my heart and my dad say, “Please forgive yourself and please let me go!I will never be able to be at peace and at rest if you keep doing this to yourself!”I realized then that I needed to let it go, I needed to give it to God.After that true forgiveness came.I forgave myself and realized I did not kill my dad.I was not God; I did not decide it was time for my dad to go to heaven.I did not put the alcohol in the man that killed my dad, I didn’t make him get in the car and I didn’t make him run my dad over.I did NONE of this!I had no control over any of this if I did control it I would have to claim I was God and there’s no way I was or will ever do that!No thanks God can keep His job for I’d ruin the world in a day if it were left up to me!

To make matters worse my dad’s first wife to this day still sends me and my family emails saying that all this was my mom’s fault and stalks me enough to say, “oh yes I guess you will be just like your mother when you get married soon you will do what your mother did with my husband!”Number one I am not going to do that and number two do not blame me for someone else’s mistakes.I didn’t steal your husband, I didn’t take the place of your daughter, your husband and my mother made a choice.I was 10, I am innocent.Do these statements upset me?Sure but I am not going to let someone else’s decisions take up space in my mind whenever I could do better things with that space in my head! Satan will not have squatter’s rights over my thoughts!Do I forgive all these statements and emails?Yes, I do because my God forgave me and it is my job to pass that forgiveness on.It is my job to give forgiveness as it was given to me.I’ve done nothing to this lady but I still forgive her because she needs help!She needs Christ!Funny thing is I had no intention on mentioning this situation in here but I happened to need a break from writing this so I checked my email and lo and behold I received another one of her out of the blue emails about the time I started writing this thread.Go figure, the only thing I can say is God is continually at work at trying to get us to forgive other people and ourselves.We have to let go, we have to let God and we have to accept that we are not God.That people make choices that are sometimes not right and that their choices do directly affect us but what how we REACT to their choices is ultimately OUR DECISION!By the way I guess you are wondering what my response is to all her emails?NOTHING, I delete them!They are NOTHING to me!They are just a way for me to lose focus on what is important and that is my walk with God.My walk with God is my priority.Finishing this degree and continuing to eventually earn a doctorate that is part of my walk with Christ and I will succeed.No matter what comes my way I will not let forgiveness of myself or other consume me to the fact that I cannot do the work God has ordained for me to do! Forgiveness is our first step to God and forgiveness is a step we have to take every day if we don’t we lose sight of what Christ did for us by dying on the cross, we lose the purpose of his sacrifice, we lose our forgiveness and we lose the reason why He came and died on the cross for our sins!Shouldn’t forgiveness be the story of all of our lives?Is that not where the story of our lives ends and begins?At forgiveness when the old is torn away and we become new in Christ, made in His image to do His will?

I could go on with this story because it is the story of my life and it is all about forgiveness but I have indeed probably said enough!

One other note:During the last year of my life my fiancé relapsed into active addiction.He is now doing great and God is fully functioning in his life.We lost a lot this past year but I gained the final thing I needed for full forgiveness of the man that killed my dad.My fiancé attends a meeting group regularly and over this past Christmas we had nothing to eat.So the meeting group drove an hour round trip to make sure our whole family had enough to eat, for five days!I can only say this warmed my heart because I thought to myself the man that killed my dad, maybe he is attending one of the meetings this group does and maybe he found forgiveness, got sober and maybe just maybe on that very same night he was out feeding another family because he finally forgave himself!

And from there you got it! The past 29 years of my life and God's calling are the reason why I am pursuing with all my heart the ministry of helping people with substance abuse and knowing that if they have the RIGHT message from God that they will make it! My fiance and I get married next month because of forgiveness and I see daily what God does through him. He has finally been given the right message of forgiveness and grace that can only be given to God! Mission: To share if forgiveness and Gods grace and mercy can work for me and us it can work for you too!

Truly God is great and forgiveness is the best thing you can ever give yourself! This is the circle of life and this is the reason I am so close to God. I have needed His forgiveness for me and I have needed it for others but mostly I have needed that relationship that only Christ can give me. That can not be taken away unless I walk away! He loves us eternally and we are His children!

In His Service,


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    • AnnRandolph profile image

      AnnRandolph 5 years ago

      So well said. Thank you for sharing such intimate and deep thoughts.