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Learning to Trust the Universe
A Hard Lesson
I recently learned a hard lesson I thought I had already learned several years ago. It was about going against my intuition and not trusting that the universe would provide for me if I honored my spirit. In a moment of desperation, I went against what my heart and soul were telling me to do, and—surprise—it did not end well.
Bad Business Transactions: Twice Burned
Several years ago, I was desperate to get my writing career off the ground and was thrilled when two different people wanted me to ghostwrite their books. The first person, a well-known local psychic, made me feel a bit uneasy, but I ignored my reservations, telling myself that I was just being paranoid. However, it soon became clear to me that, although he may have wanted a book written, his main agenda was hitting on me. I walked away feeling defeated, but that didn’t stop me from making the same mistake almost immediately afterward. The second person who wanted my help with a book was off-putting from the start. I didn’t like how vague she was about payments and deadlines, and I naively didn’t get anything in writing up front. However, I pushed through my feelings of discomfort and worked with her anyway. Again, not surprisingly, I walked away disappointed and with an increased level of distrust in people and the universe.
Lesson Learned, Or So I Thought
Being a perpetual student of spirituality and metaphysics, I thoroughly examined everything that happened with these two people and realized that the experience was perfect. I needed to have an experience in which I went against my own feelings to show me that I don’t trust my own internal guidance or the universe. I honestly thought that if I didn’t accept these shady offers from people who made me feel uncomfortable, I would never receive another writing opportunity again. From that point on, I went with my intuition on new writing jobs. Not everything turned out perfectly, but there’s a life lesson in every experience and I accepted that.
Third Time’s the Charm
Recently, I realized that the lesson didn’t quite take. Another thing I discovered is that, if you don’t learn the lesson early in the game, the universe will up the stakes each time to get your attention. So, a few weeks ago, I was feeling desperate for money because I want to move to a new home. I was pushing myself to my physical and mental limits trying to earn all the money I could when a huge freelancing offer came along. Most of the things I write are short pieces that pay anywhere from $20 to $100, but this assignment paid close to $500. It was on a topic I intensely hate to write about, and the client’s instructions were convoluted. I knew it would stress me out for a few days, but I thought the hard work would be worth it. I accepted the task and ignored that little voice in my head that was screaming at me to decline the offer. I toiled away at this 8,000 word monster for three days and submitted it. During those three days, I was unable to do any of my normal work that guaranteed payment, but I was willing to take the risk of losing that money for a large payment all at once. Well, the client came back and told me it wasn’t what he wanted at all, even though I followed his labyrinthine instructions as best I could, and he needed the revisions done within 24 hours, which would have been impossible since he basically needed a complete rewrite. Plus, the condescending way he spoke to me made me not want to waste another ounce of my precious energy on him. I had no choice but to drop the assignment and wish him luck in finding a writer who would meet his needs. I was out three days of work and $500 at a time when I needed money more than ever.
I Finally Get It
So what did I learn from this very expensive lesson? I learned that I don’t have to accept any old job out of fear that nothing better will come along to take its place. I learned that the lesson keeps coming until you finally get it and change your way of thinking, being, and trusting, and the lesson gets harder each time. I learned that I don’t trust that I will be taken care of (so many people have this sense of mistrust in the universe!) and that I need to practice the art of surrendering to my higher self until it becomes my natural way of being. I’m working very hard on this, one writing job at a time, carefully choosing work that honors my spirit. Trust is a conscious choice that takes cultivating, but it is worth the effort.