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my own religion

Updated on May 16, 2011

my parents were divorced by the time i was born. my mother was not so much a mother as she was a women living with three young girls. my dad did what he could for us the best he knew how, which included trying to enforce a strict church upbringing.i think my dad was searching for something he felt he was lacking and he thought that the church was were he was going to find it. i always felt like he was trying to prove something to someone, whether he was trying to prove something to himself or to everyone else i still dont know, maybe it was a combination of the two.  and to this day i dont think he has found it. what ever it was that he was trying to do by making us go to church proved most difficult for him since the apartment we were growing up in with our mother had a revolving door with druggies and alcoholics and men constantly entering and leaving. my sisters and i were pulled in so many directions during our young years and saw and experianced things that no child should ever have to endure, that everything our father was trying to teach us was gettting all mushed together with our constant battle with survival and social services. church became another thing we had to fake a smile through, try to stay awake through, and try to keep up apperences through. nothing at home made sence, nothing at school made sence and nothing at church made sence. were does a child turn when nothing makes sence? i turned within. i had to find my own truth when everything else seemed like hypocricy. if god created earth who created god? if there is life after death why are we so scared of dying? why do i have to ask god for forgiveness as long as i can forgive myself? after my grandfathers death i found some of these answers.

heaven is not a place we go after we die, its the place deep within us that we keep the ones we love,dead and alive, a place i can reach just by closing my eyes or by watching my children sleep.i beleive everyones heaven is private. my grandfather is in my heaven but not in yours. i dont think hell is a place bad people go after they die, hell is what we are living through everyday. its the challenges we face and the losses we must live through. its the hurt we feel when our heart is breaking.

i havent been in a church in a long time and i dont beleive i have to in order to be a good person. a church is a building its not where you find spirituality. you can find that sitting on the toilet or meditating, which ever is more relaxing for you. the point is that i dont get the point of organized religion. so we can have something to look forward to , something greater to beleive in? how about looking forward to tomorrow and beleiveing in ourselves and others.


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