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Seeking Approval

Updated on February 3, 2013

learning to love you

Seeking approval is often something we do unconsciously. It could be that we were told something about us as a child and it has stuck like glue and become an actual belief. If we believe that we are unworthy on any level then it can very soon manifest in relationships. You may attract partners that do not like you for being who you are and keep suggesting little changes. If only you could be more this or if only you could be more, like my ex! I was always seeking approval on some unknown level,throughout many of my relationships. I would look for men who I considered to be very intelligent or men I thought knew more than me, so that I could then try and seek their approval!

Clever and Emotionally Intelligent

There are an awful lot of "clever people" out there in the world but it does not necessarily make them emotionally intelligent. If someone has a PhD or a MA without emotional intelligence as well, they can sometimes be a little stuck! Like I said above I would deliberately attract men who were going to give me the "Educating Rita" experience to fill in the gaps in my own education. I realised that leaving school at sixteen, with a few O levels, to my name, sometimes put me at a social disadvantage, I then began to set it as my intention to meet people who knew about Shakespeare, the arts or were more academic or cultured, so that they could educate me!

Unfortunately this was a tragic mistake, because in doing so, the relationship never seemed balanced or equal. I considered myself to be in "the lack" or had "nothing to offer"which was reflected in my outer reality. But I did have something to offer in the way of spirituality and emotional intelligence! I would constantly see myself as second best and begin to seek approval. Worse than this I would project my father on to my partners and say tell me you love me. My father always loved me but he was not a man for saying these things verbally.

Needless to say, I would then be constantly trying to please the men I dated in order for them to say to me "oh thats good. Or, I do find you to be very intelligent and I would swell with pride like a little girl who had just received her first Grade A! Unfortunately, it was not a wise thing to do, to constantly be seeking men who could "give me something or as a friend said, do something for me." I have learned that in order to stay in your own power you do have to be independent and not reliant on others.

Finding Balance

Balance is about yin and yang, the male and female aspects of you have to be integrated. It could be that in being too independent, we then start to become almost too male. Sometimes I do readings for people and I talk to them about the strength of being female. The new energies which are coming in are associated with the divine feminine and finding that feminine within you. There are a lot of men who are much more open about their feminine side. It is no longer considered as weak or odd and it is much more acceptable for men to talk about their feelings and relationships. Both my sons are in touch with their feminine side but being brought up mainly by me they would have had the influence of a strong female. They do not regard females as weak in fact they see them as strong and reliable.

Wearing feminine clothes, perfume and embracing the feminine, i find, is the easiest way to go back into the femine. Another way, is to take up something which focuses on bringing in that strength. Try salsa dancing, belly dancing or something that makes you feel sexy and charismatic. It is not about feeling sexy for men but it is about finding the Goddess within and believe you me, we have all got her. Be a Goddess for you and express yourself in feminine ways. Then when you are home its really ok to hang out in jeans and clean out the garage!

Entering Re-bound Relationships

No relationship is absolutely ideal, or without it's challenges but trying to form a relationship with someone on the rebound can be extremely difficult. Even if you really like the person, do you want to listen for hours and hours about him/her talking about their ex. Chances are they could still be in love with them and they just want you to bounce ideas off or be an emotional sounding board. I have had many relationships like this and to be quite frank it is better to be on your own than to go down this road. We all want to be listened too and helped, fair enough but if someone needs counselling, then they should go and get a Counsellor or Life Coach and pay for it! It is possible that you can mix up the person's need for healing with feelings for you. To be honest, it can appear to be exactly the same. You receive a lot of attention because they are so needy and they want you to listen to them but they may not have any feelings for you. Chances are that when they get on their feet again, they will do a runner and say, well thanks I'm healed now and I've found someone else I fancy more than you!

Feeling Comfortable in Your Own Skin

Feeling comfortable in your own skin does really rock. Especially when you make your self a nice meal, pour a glass of wine and settle down to watch a film you have always wanted to see. Or read those books you have put on hold for a rainy day. Go and take a long deep bath surrounded with candles soak and relax, who knows you could even full it to the top and allow real luxury into your life! Sometimes I like to do all the things that weren't permitted as a child just for the thrill of it. It makes you feel empowered and in control of your own life. When you are on your own, anything goes. You could say all the things you have always wanted to say. You can start dressing in a unique style which makes your feel really confident. You can go out for a midnight walk or get up after eleven a.m. You can give you permission to be totally you, whether you are loud, outrageous, fun, a chocoholic or just plain lazy! It is great to be in charge of your own life. You might just want to really focus on work for a while and shut people out. Thats ok too.

I approve of me

Of course not everyone may approve of my choice of career, or the way I dress, or my numerous animals especially when my dog barks in the garden! On the other hand, it is definitely my life and I approve of me, so what does it matter? Do I have to be liked? Does this make me a bad person not to live up to others expectations of me. Are my expectations of me and my vision of me important. Is my vision of me more important than another's vision of me?

Affirmation for Approval and Self Love

As I grow into myself, I no longer seek approval from others.

Is he/she my soul mate?

One guy I dated said to me "You never brush that bit of your hair in the middle at the back?"

"You just do not use the right language."

"You need to lose about 2 stone".

I don't think any of these guys were my soul mate. If this is your experience and someone constantly critizises you then it doesn't take long until the relationship gets out of balance. Mind you, if you are seeking approval, you may do everything you can to try and correct it. Believe you me corrections do not work. The only thing that works is being you. Accept who you are on the inside, and people will accept you for who you are in your outer world.

Your soul mate or twin flame definitely would as he/she has a deep and profound understanding of you not only in the physical, but also on a spiritual level. You do not have to change a thing!


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    • Jennifer Lynch profile imageAUTHOR

      Jennifer Lynch 

      6 years ago from Stowmarket, Suffolk.

      Thank you - a compliment from a good writer.

    • Jennifer Lynch profile imageAUTHOR

      Jennifer Lynch 

      6 years ago from Stowmarket, Suffolk.

      Thank you Pieter Bos, that time will come!

    • profile image

      Pieter Bos 

      8 years ago

      Your hub is in alignment with all ancient sources of wisdom which explain there can't be true loving relationships with other people without having a true loving relationship with yourself first. I admire your openness and your strength to reveal your own experiences and can just confirm that you should have definitely found your way to meet your soul mate sooner or later.

    • Rhonda Waits profile image

      Rhonda Musch 

      8 years ago from The Emerald Coast

      Great hub the truth well spoken.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Jennifer: I sbsolutely love this hub! There are so many people out there who need to hear this! It's all so very true! Thanks so much for sharing this amazing hub. :)

    • billyaustindillon profile image


      8 years ago

      Some excellent analysis here. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is something we often neglect particularly in the is wold manipulated by media. Great hub.


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