ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Game of Birth

Updated on May 10, 2017
Stefan Lochner, Last Judgement, c. 1435. Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne
Stefan Lochner, Last Judgement, c. 1435. Wallraf-Richartz Museum, Cologne

This is a little known

story from the foundation and end of the world (because where each ends the other is founded and vice-versa), that recalls the great joke with which one world ended and another one began, on that great Day of Judgment where half the world put God on trial for treason and the other half eulogized and “panegirotised” him for healing the nations —— the first half motivated by the offence of the joke, according to them; and the second half, motivated by their gratitude for his salvation.

Fernanda Rossi dissects the making of How to Lose Your Virginity by Therese Shechter.
Fernanda Rossi dissects the making of How to Lose Your Virginity by Therese Shechter. | Source

And here’s how it went,

dear reader: The Day of Judgment, as it turned out was really a competition that involved losing one’s virginity. True to the word of St. John in his apocalyptic vision, those who were to be saved in those final days were the 144,000 virgins; However, he leaves out the details of how these virgins were to be selected, which comprises our story herein. As it came to pass, dear reader, the 144,000 thousands were chosen by God for their sanctity and innocence based entirely on a very simple formula of sorts that precluded arguing and bickering because the criterion was so simple and empirically verifiable, to the consternation and surprise of many who thought God would and should be sublimely rarefied in his ideas and methods.

The simple formula, dear reader, came down to the last 144,000 persons who were last — as measured by age — to lose their virginity in the vulgar and pedestrian sense of that expression. However — and this is a big however — without remaining life-long virgins, as these latter were equally condemned as were those whose carnal sensibilities drove them, starting from a young age, to rape, impregnate and abandon women, children and whole families.

St. John, author of the book of Revelation
St. John, author of the book of Revelation

You could imagine,

dear reader, how offended these latter two groups were by this criterion when it was revealed to them in the Last Judgment: Those who raped from a young age, for losing by being ahead of the “game” and those who never gave in, for losing by never playing the “game” —— according to God. Hence, their indictment of God for treason.

The winner in this competition, it was argued, by God’s lawyer, was a man who had lost his virginity merely a few days before his death, and only because he knew he was going to die and that he also knew the sexual act was a preparation for death, not its postponement. He also knew, as the trial revealed, that the sexual act, when performed properly was also a preparation for the re-birth, sometimes by giving birth to a baby in the woman’s body, but at other times by giving birth to a “baby” in the man’s body, hence sui-generic re-birth.

However, as this man was tried in absentia as a pure formality preceding a grand wedding feast which celebrated his marriage to a whole congregation, we did not hear the details of the proper performance of the sex act. But some did claim, apocryphally, during the latter part of the feast when the decapitated heads of the sinners were served with wine, that the marriage bed which included the birth of both types of aforementioned babies also married heaven and hell producing a woman in a man and a man in a woman by which all subsequent babies were considered both male and female.

Comments

Submit a Comment

No comments yet.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)