The Game of Birth
This is a little known
story from the foundation and end of the world (because where each ends the other is founded and vice-versa), that recalls the great joke with which one world ended and another one began, on that great Day of Judgment where half the world put God on trial for treason and the other half eulogized and “panegirotised” him for healing the nations —— the first half motivated by the offence of the joke, according to them; and the second half, motivated by their gratitude for his salvation.
And here’s how it went,
dear reader: The Day of Judgment, as it turned out was really a competition that involved losing one’s virginity. True to the word of St. John in his apocalyptic vision, those who were to be saved in those final days were the 144,000 virgins; However, he leaves out the details of how these virgins were to be selected, which comprises our story herein. As it came to pass, dear reader, the 144,000 thousands were chosen by God for their sanctity and innocence based entirely on a very simple formula of sorts that precluded arguing and bickering because the criterion was so simple and empirically verifiable, to the consternation and surprise of many who thought God would and should be sublimely rarefied in his ideas and methods.
The simple formula, dear reader, came down to the last 144,000 persons who were last — as measured by age — to lose their virginity in the vulgar and pedestrian sense of that expression. However — and this is a big however — without remaining life-long virgins, as these latter were equally condemned as were those whose carnal sensibilities drove them, starting from a young age, to rape, impregnate and abandon women, children and whole families.
You could imagine,
dear reader, how offended these latter two groups were by this criterion when it was revealed to them in the Last Judgment: Those who raped from a young age, for losing by being ahead of the “game” and those who never gave in, for losing by never playing the “game” —— according to God. Hence, their indictment of God for treason.
The winner in this competition, it was argued, by God’s lawyer, was a man who had lost his virginity merely a few days before his death, and only because he knew he was going to die and that he also knew the sexual act was a preparation for death, not its postponement. He also knew, as the trial revealed, that the sexual act, when performed properly was also a preparation for the re-birth, sometimes by giving birth to a baby in the woman’s body, but at other times by giving birth to a “baby” in the man’s body, hence sui-generic re-birth.
However, as this man was tried in absentia as a pure formality preceding a grand wedding feast which celebrated his marriage to a whole congregation, we did not hear the details of the proper performance of the sex act. But some did claim, apocryphally, during the latter part of the feast when the decapitated heads of the sinners were served with wine, that the marriage bed which included the birth of both types of aforementioned babies also married heaven and hell producing a woman in a man and a man in a woman by which all subsequent babies were considered both male and female.
Entertaining, eye-opening and irreverent, How To Lose Your Virginity travels through religion, history, pop culture and $30 internet hymens, to reveal the myths and misogyny behind virginity in America. A film by Therese Shechter, director of I Was A