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The New Church of Raptor Jesus

Updated on May 27, 2016

The Holy PIGeon (Artist Rendering)

Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Written Out In Plain English pt. 1

In the beginning there was nothing but darkness and the Holy PIGeon. After millions of years of being alone the Holy PIGeon decided that she needed beings to rule over, to ease her loneliness. At first the Holy PIGeon decided that she would buy a cat, and the cat keep her company for some time, until the cat died. The death of her cat, Mr. Mittens, was so tragic for the Holy PIGeon that she decided she would make a whole new set of universes to rule over and torment. To make these universes she let out a great fart that tore her butt hole apart. It was these pieces of her butt hole that make up everything we see today (except Canada).


Do you thank The Holy PIGeon for creating everything?

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Cthulhu and The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Written Out In Plain English pt. 2

After The Holy PIGeon made the entire multiverse, in an event called The First Peeling, she began to torment the beings living in her universes by causing huge natural disasters and allowing people to grow attached to their pets before she would kill them. She continued to do this for millions of years until one day it stopped making her forget about the death of Mr. Mittens. This made The Holy Pigeon extremely angry, but it also reminded her of the pain she was inflicting on others. These two emotions, anger and empathy were so powerful that The Holy PIGeon split into two lesser beings, one full of empathy and love and another filled only with anger and hatred. The being of love began to be know as The Flying Spaghetti Monster, or The Noodley One, while the being of hate became Cthulhu, destroyer of worlds. When these beings were created they had no memories and could only express the emotions that they were created with. Cthulhu and The Flying Spaghetti Monster began to fight each, as they were opposites and hated each other. For 2,000 years they fought, Cthulhu destroying entire universes while The Flying Spaghetti Monster tried to save them with all his noodley appendages. After so many years of fighting Cthulhu and The Flying Spaghetti Monster were exhausted, so they stopped fighting and for the first time talked to each other. The more they talked to each the more they realized how similar they were to each other. After months of dating The Flying Spaghetti Monster was starting to think that Cthulhu had finally learned to love, but them Cthulhu showed her true intentions when she broke up with The Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Flying Spaghetti Monster was so distraught from this that he, after 2,000 years of only knowing love, finally learned how to hate. At the same time Cthulhu saw what she had done to The Flying Spaghetti Monster and felt something strange inside herself, Cthulhu felt empathy for The Flying Spaghetti Monster and she began to cry. This was when Cthulhu finally learned how it felt to love someone. Cthulhu then apologized to The Flying Spaghetti Monster and they decided to get married. 2 weeks later they discovered that Cthulhu was pregnant so they began choosing a universe for their new child to live on.

Is The Flying Spaghetti Monster or Cthulhu Better?

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Raptor Jesus

Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Written Out In Plain English pt. 3

Cthulhu and The Flying Spaghetti Monster decided that they would send their newly born child, Raptor Jesus, to the most sinful of all the planets, Earth. They thought that they could both toughen Raptor Jesus up and save the Earthlings' eternal souls by having Raptor Jesus go extinct for their sins. Their plan ended up working perfectly, Raptor Jesus went to Earth not knowing that he was different than the other Earthlings. That is until one day when his Noodley father came to him and told him what he must do. He told Raptor Jesus about how he must about how he must go extinct for the Earthlings' sins. At first Raptor Jesus was afraid to fulfill his destiny, so he went around killing people, getting drunk, and raping people. Raptor Jesus did for 3 months before a PIGeon appeared and convinced him to fulfill his destiny. Today we remember Raptor Jesus not for his murders and alcoholism, but for going extinct for our sins.

ALL PRAISE RAPTOR JESUS!!!

Do you thank Raptor Jesus for going extinct for YOUR sins?

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Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Written Out In Plain English pt. 4

Our holy book, The Boodle, predicts that the second coming of Raptor Jesus, and the beginning of the end of our world, will happen early next year, 2017. The Boodle predicts that the leader of a great kingdom will be corrupt and start the end of the world. After the corrupt leader takes power the world will be thrown into chaos as s/he tries to enslave all of humanity. To prevent this from happening Raptor Jesus will become unextinct and will fight to end the leader's tyrannous rein. After 36 years of fighting Raptor Jesus will win the war but end up going extinct again in the process. After the final suicide bombing by Raptor Jesus, The Noodley One and Cthulhu will descend from the sky and merge to make The Holy PIGeon. The Holy PIGeon will then reward all who helped her and punish those who didn't. The people that helped her will live for another 666 years until they all end up dying of AIDS. After everyone dies The Holy PIGeon will be alone again and the cycle will restart.

Will you support The Holy PIGeon when the end times come?

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What The Leader Might Look Like

Do you think The Leader will look like this?

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Brief History of The New Church of Raptor Jesus

The New Church of Raptor Jesus broke away from the Old Church of Raptor Jesus almost 5,000 minutes ago. The New Church of Raptor Jesus is made primary of former members of the Old Church of Raptor Jesus, but was also influenced greatly by The Banana Juice. You can see this influence a lot in The New Church of Raptor Jesus, like how the beginning of the universe is called The Peeling in both and how we both believe that The Second Peeling will come one day soon. However we have many different customs as our religion speaks very little about bananas but their religion is full of them. The biggest difference, however, is that in our religion you don't need to witness any person, like The Banana Juice Kid, in order to be accepted into the religion. In our religion you simply need to let The Noodley Appendage into your heart.

Will you let his noodley appendage go inside of you?

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Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Uninterpreted pt.1

The Holy PIGeon

Creator of all

Breaks the wind

Makes beings so small

She plays with them

Then they cry

All they wanted to do was die

But she was upset

For Mr. Mittens was dead

She was so angry

That tears she shed

Do you think our interpretation of this is accurate?

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Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Uninterpreted pt. 2

One day she looked

At what she had done

She was so ashamed

She decided to run

Full of guilt

But still of Hate

She broke apart

Into two different mates

They hated each other

Because opposites they were

They fought so fast

they looked like a blur

Years later

They had to stop

They were tired of fighting

It was no longer exiting

They saw each other

And fell in love

After a big disaster

They had a little raptor

Do you think our interpretation of this is accurate?

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Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Uninterpreted pt.3

Raptor Jesus went to Earth

To cleanse them of their sins

He did not know

That he had to go

He helped them all

Bu then they made him fall

He went extinct

When they decided to inflict

The greatest pain

To his brain

But we remember

The great effect

Of his pain

So he did not die

In vain


Do you think our interpretation of this is accurate?

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Our Holy Book, The Boodle, Uninterpreted pt.4

At the end of time

Raptor Jesus will come back

to rhyme

He must endure

His pain again

But this time

For this his pain

Will give us gain

Those who help

Him yelp

Will find all they love

At the end of time

Those who hinder

Who help the corrupt

And use Tinder

Will find the groundhog burrow

At the end of time

Then the PIGeon will return

An the cycle will yearn

To chime again

At the end of time


Do you think our interpretation of this is accurate?

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Did you enjoy learning about The New Church of Raptor Jesus?

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