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Zodiac Zonkers

Updated on January 14, 2013

Welcome to Zodiac Zonkers

Okay, so you haven't got a hot clue how to read tea leaves, tarot cards, or even explore the enigmatic entrails of extinct creatures to find out what's in store for your future.

But fess up, if truth be told, every now and then, you do glance furtively at your horoscope don't you?

This light-hearted lens is for folks with fractured funnybones and a passion for poking fun at strange star-gazers not to mention all those silly sun signs!

"C" IS FOR CAPRICORN - HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU SERENE SEAGOAT!

Crazy Capricorns (who also have a serene seagoat side) love colorful food, presents wrapped in magical paper, and membership in exclusive clubs.

But, whatever you do, never accuse them of being untidy, make them feel useless, or embarrass them in public or you may live to regret ever having encountered this rather ripsnorting ruminant!

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR JOLLY JANUARY?

2013 has already begun and all our snickering sun signs want to know what's store for them?

2013 is the "Year of the Snake", according to the Chinese astrological calendar. All of which means that it's time for everyone hone their snake-charming skills!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

You'll need all the help you can get this year, because Aries dragons tend to be hyperactive and have to be sedated with oodles of peyote which disagrees with their digestive system. On the other hand, you could forget all about your tummy troubles and take up knitting, (along with 60 million other Americans), and learn how to do the subversive cross-stitch and yarnbombing.

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

This is your year to shine in the fast lane of life. Since you are more down-to-earth than typical dragons, you have great staying power (but you should probably avoid staying too long with your relatives this year, you know how sentimental you get when having to say goodbye.

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

Since you have an insatiable curiosity about everything, and adore getting your fingers into all manner of strange things, why not explore far-flung places like the "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe" which is featuring minced pan-fried Perfectly Normal Beasts ...large charging sort of animals, a bit like cows, bulls or buffaloes that are safe for toothless dragons like you to swallow.

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

Being a Cancer dragon is pretty heady stuff. That's the good news. The bad news is that the Fickle Finger of Fate is likely to intervene with an unexpected surprise. You could end up being the "boiled alive" feature food on the menu of that "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe". At least learn to pray for your salvation, The Big Bopper may take pity on you.

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Being in the limelight and showing off is right up your alley, along with complaining about not getting enough strokes from folks. It's true, Leo dragons have noble hearts besides possessing a generous spirit. What do you mean you don't want to share a spot of tea with the Puff the Magic Dragon? Be nice or he he'll turn you into a horny toad!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Being an analytical Virgo and brash dragon does not bode well for you. Frankly, it does not always make for a harmoonious combination. The fact that you far too precise (like wanting to dot every "i" and cross every "t" is bound to drive most folks crazy. Better take a time out and sit beside a pondering pool -- and since you aren't a water dragon and can't swim at least wear a personal flotation device.

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

Being the "windbag of the universe" has certain advantages, and this year is no exception. This is an excellent time to write a profound "Think and Do Book" in honor of someone who ticks you off -- how about your neighbor's potty-mouthed parrot whom you would like to banish to the nearest petting zoo. Suck it up, show some tact, and say something nice for change you amusing little airhead!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

The good news this year is that astronomers have finally recognized that all the problems of the universe can be laid squarely at the feet of Pluto, the powerhouse behind your sassy sun sign. The bad news is that since the Scorpio dragon never compromise, you'll have a lot of difficulty banging your head against a stone wall! Don't worry, you'll be in good company with another wacky wunderkin named Sisyphus.

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Besides boring barnyard animals with your endless stream of questions, you also have a knack for fluffing the punchline of jokes which will, unfortunately, not endear you to the star of this year's barnyard birthday party, Puff the Magic Dragon. Toss your tactless traits and cutting sarcasm aside, and share your favorite wet blanket story with the less fortunate!

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

Thank goodness this birthday babe or boy has harmonious relationships with heffalumps. Unfortunately, the ancient Asian book of astrology didn't include include heffalumps. The good news is that your slave-driving, status-seeking seagoat behavior, and your tendency to believe that your way is always the best, not to mention your love of luxuries and good taste means you share something in common with other weirdos of the universe!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

You're going to have to expand your friendships this year beyond the ususal water-carrier wet-blankets who gather around you. Being a fixed air sign of the zodiac, you're prone to paragliding and paradiddling when the spirit moves you. Beware of wayward winds emanating from feisty, fire-breathing four-legged critters who spit tacks, (they are born pessmists). Besides do you want to be banished to the wasteland and have to put up with the Devil himself?

PISCES ( 19 February - 20 March)

Since you have a tendency to be escapist, sensationalist, and can lose touch with reality at the drop of hat -- you'll fit in quite well this year at the Dragon Lady of the Year Award Banquet. What do you mean your sixth sense tells you don't do swimmingly well in a recessive gene pool dominated by albino aardvarks better known as "magic mushroom dragons"? Get a grip, go with the flow, or at least bum a ride from your buddy, the Water Dragon.

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Photo Credit: Poison Tart@flickr.com

HOW MANY CAPRICORNS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs -- unless they're a legitimate business expense.

None: Why bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

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Image Credit: istockphoto.com - 2504803

So how many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb? - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us ...and you're inside

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Image Credit: www.picturesof.net - 091129-173978-651009

DECEMBER - It's that Dingle Bell Time Again!

No doubt some of you are counting down til Christmas, maxing out your credit card, and enjoying lots of ho ho ho and good times.

For the rest of you, it's just another regular month at the elf factory, feeding the reindeer, and compiling an ever-growing list from everyone and their dog about what they want to see beneath the tree.

It's definitely that Dingle Bell December time of year again, so let's see what this merry month has in store for you! Besides, who ever met a Saggitarian Santa Claus who wasn't shooting himself in the foot, shooting his mouth off at every opportunity, or disappearing faster than a shooting star when the holiday dishes have to be done!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

The good news is that your favorite colors are red, black and white...which means that you might just get a call from your employer to be Santa Claus this year. The bad news is that your bossy, brash, and bellicose behavior typical of the Ram, will not endear you to other meal-mouthed members of the zodiac who will be at the party. But hey, there's room enough for everyone at the party, so put on your fire-engine red tights or spandex suit, a flashy white stetson hat, and a pair black boots or stilettos with silver spurs because there's a new kid coming to town!

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

Some have called you "pleasingly plump" but that does not qualify you as Santa Claus. The good news is that you're compact and sturdy, the bad news is that one wants an opinionated stubborn beast of burden to pull Santa's sleigh and put the reindeer out of work! Just strut your stuff anyway, and take pride in your large or broad feet.

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

You may be dexterous, nimble and light-footed enough to pull Santa's sleigh, but let's face it blabbermouth, your split personality, not to mention your impractical, impatient and irritable traits would drive the other reindeer round the bend! Stick to what you do best, inspecting the quality of products produced by good-natured, vertically-challenged figments of your imagination. Remember, Santa loves your inner imp...so get cracking on the Christmas list!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

Though your favorite colors are yellow-orange and indigo, trust me, this month you're going to have to make friends with red. The good news is that your broad shoulders and broad build mean you'll look great in a Santa suit. But, moody disposition and inability to handle minor insults probably won't go down well with those testy little tikes who want to bounce on your knee and pull your white beard for all it's worth. Your best bet might be to hang out beneath the mistletoe just avoid the frogs and toads or other clinging creatures.

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Look Leo, everyone knows you're king of the animal kingdom and love to show off, but Christmas is coming and you're going to have to shove off. It's time for Santa to take center stage along with his ripsnorting reindeer, so suck it up and quit sulking! The good news is that with your strong voice, you'll fit righ in with the choir somewhere. And, when you're singing "Good King Wencelas" you'll know that thankfully not every monarch is a pain in the butt!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Some have said that your cranium may seem too big in comparison with your face. Now don't be upset, it doesn't mean you have a swelled head...that belongs to Santa Claus this month! Frankly, although you're witty and charming, knowledgeable, and helpful which means you could easily fill in for Santa while he takes a bathroom break, your scathing criticism of lazybones and layabouts, not to mention your nervous habits and cranky disposition will probably not endear you to the kids, or their parents for that matter. Your shrewd logical thought however makes you an ideal companion at any Christmas party full of spin-doctors and windbags.

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

The fact that you're cooperative, sincere and charming means you might make an ideal Santa. However, your obsession with your favorite colors - green, purple, and pink not to mention your insistence that they form the basis of your Christmas suit means that you are not destined for a seat on the throne this year. Furthermore your infatuation with elephants instead of reindeer probably wouldn't endear you to your employer. Stay away from loud arguments, confused situations, and sloppiness...better take a pass on a holiday meal with the family!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

The good news is that your favorite colors are deep red, and blue-green which means you might become the highly decorated chief bottle-washer at your family holiday gathering. While you're a passionately caring soul with a magnetic personality, your obstinate, moody, if not intolerant qualities would probably not get you in the door at a Santa Claus party. Your best bet might be to hang out with Scrooge or the Grinch this year!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Frankly, you're in luck this month. Any creature that's half horse and half homo-sapien certainly doesn't qualify to be Santa Claus! The fact that you're happy-go-lucky, hold-no-grudges and are hugely optimistic probably means that you still believe in Santa Claus (unlike some members of the zodiac). The bad news is that your ineptness, preachiness, and inability to plan adequately means that organizing your own Christmas party will be a disaster. Your best bet is to dress up like an elf and crash someone's party...make sure you eat lots of cake with candles on top -- it's your birthday after all!

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

Who'da thought a sea-goat who's as hard-working, realistic, and respectful of authority as you would be the proud owner of devil tarot card? So what tricks will you be up to this Christmas...eating all Santa's milk and cookies, leaving lumps of coal in kids stockings, or showing up as the Grinch at your workplace party? Avoid Aries, Cancer, and Libra folks, they don't share your keen interest playing hopscotch, visiting the Museum of Bad Art, or playing chess with the Mad Hatter.

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

While you may be the water-carrier of the zodiac, at Christmas time, most folks would prefer that carry a bottle of fine red wine, a dozen beer, or a flask of single malt scotch to their Christmas party and share in a bit of good cheer! Of course being a perverse and eccentric individual, not to mention having a voyeuristic curiosity about people means you'll fit right in with Scrooge, the Grinch, not to mention those merry-minded, mythical, vertically-challenged creatures better known as 'elves'. Your violet and light yellow elf outfit means you'll stand out in this very odd crowd...happy ho ho ho!

How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb? - None because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark!

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Image Credit: www.horoscoper.net - hyginus-scorpio

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR NUTTY NOVEMBER?

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Image Credit: Scorpio image courtesy of AllPosters.com

Well, this month everyone will be pleased to know that sultry, secretive Scorpio is swimming in her own gene pool for a change,(which means the rest of us can dog-paddle to our heart's content!)

Overall, Pluto moving into Capricorn (2008-2023) is going to mean a few fireworks...and the big picture will never be the same again...yee-haw!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Your ambition to become top dog is laudable, but this month you might want to let sleeping dogs lie. Remember, never take your boss's bone unless you want to spend the rest of your life in a very dilapidated dog-house.

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

Clearly bulls don't give a sweet tweet about china shops or matadors for that matter. This month when things are coming to a head, don't waste your time trying to be sitting bull in a bear market, it's bad for your health and happiness. Change your strategy and become a raging bull in a briar patch!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

Since you have a quick mind, are nimble on your feet and capable of speaking out of both sides of your mouth at the same time, have you ever considered a career change to become knife-throwing circus clown or a back-stabbing politician? Don't jeapardize this odd opportunity of a lifetime!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

You've been juggling a lot of balls in the air lately which is great if you're in the baking, catering, or confectionery business. But, as fate would have it, you're likely to drop them when you really shouldn't. So, wipe those tears away and befriend a crab or turtle this month. After all, it's better than going into the garden and eating worms isn't it?

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Leo is not known to pout or use a pity pot like the rest of the zodiac's unusual inhabitants like bog hogs and heffalumps. So, if you need to show off this month and let your mane down, feel free to do so you frisky feline! Just do it in the right place at the right time with the right partner...(aren't you glad that all the ghouls and gargoyles have decided to take a long winter's nap!)

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Since 2005, you've been playing in a new sandbox, creating a new world and a new identity for yourself besides the familiar cranky, irritable dogmatic and untidy creature that everyone tries to avoid. Hmmm...do you really think it's a good idea to dance naked in front of your neighbor's parrot, or paint your house pink with purple poka dots? Your addition of naughty garden gnomes to your garden may be a friendly gesture, but toss the plastic petunias the birds and bees are complaining!

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

You've been getting a little rebellious lately...that's really strange coming from someone who knows all about being fearful, lazy, overbearing and self-centered. Time to put your pet-peeves aside and join the Meditative Munching & Navel-Gazing Society to work out the kinks in your argumentative, fickle, narcissistic and life!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

Yup, it's time to take a deep dive into your own gene pool for a change ...and quit complaining about the temperature for pity's sake. By the way, why not enjoy the opportunity to prance around in your birthday suit this month...just remember to see who's in the peanut gallery before you doff your duds!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Life is all about falling off a horse and getting right back up on it again. So, forget about demanding to see the horse's teeth before you saddle up and buy him. Let's face it, you're no Lady Godiva...perhaps it's better you just dig into a box of chocolates and add a few more calories to your colourful personality.

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

It's regrettable that your educational trip to the local landfill didn't pan out last month. Your quiet, unflappable nature will undoubtedly come in handy when fighting alligators at work (which will be the only form of exercise you'll get this month -- yee-haw!)

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

If you want to be the captain of your own fate and master of your soul, you're going to have to learn to paddle upstream without an oar or a canoe not to mention a handy-dandy life-jacket. On second thought, since you're a bit of an airhead, maybe it's time to take a ride in a hot-air ballon. But you can forget about demanding a golden parachute, just grab the nearest bumbershoot to cushion your crash landing!

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

Pisces is a tad eccentric, after all, how often do you run into two fish tied together, who adore "putting on the Ritz" but wouldn't be caught dead in a pumpkin outfit on Halloween? Okay, so you're not perfect, but don't you think it's time to quit playing the ditzy damsel in distress who has way too many shoes for her own good, or a talkative, impractical, woe-is-me wunderkin?

A LIGHT-HEARTED LIGHTBULB TALE

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Probably one is best, because if there's more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about that lousy little lightbulb.

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Image Credit: istockphoto.com -- photo 3338840

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR JEST-IN-TIME JUNE?

June is bustin' out all over, which means you'd better watch out, you'd better not cry because Santa Claus will be here in six months, and there won't be a present in his pouch for any of you if you complain, pout, or push his buttons! On the other hand, if you want to do something a little off-the-wall in the great outdoors, why not consider joining in the celebration of World Naked Bike Ride Day on Saturday, June 11, 2011!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Okay, so you love competitive sports like tiddlywinks, toe-wrestling, and croquet, and adore risky activities like making mountains out of molehills and climbing them just to show off your steel-toed hiking boots. However, this month you should refrain from complaining about bland food and boring friends, this will only add to your long list of ailments including acne, ear aches, headaches, migraines, premature baldness, and sinus congestion.

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

You may be in top shape from all that stomping around you've been doing lately in the China shop not to mention sharing a load of bull with other members of the barnyard brigade about how to dribble a football, but this month you need a change. It's time to get down to the "bare" essentials and join the buff on a bike crowd and celebrate World Naked Bike Ride Day on Saturday, June 11, 2011!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

This is your birthday month, so it's time to organize your own big bithday bash with all things lucky for Geminis including: a magpie, orchids, and wear orange when you invite "Princess Pumpkin", "Peter Piper the Pumpkin Eater" or the "Great Pumpkin" over for a bite to eat. That way, you can impress them with your skill and knowledge of Pig Latin and Watermelon language.

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

Everyone knows how much you hate to be up a creek without a paddle, fishing for compliments, or testing the waters by skinny-dipping. Suck it up! You're a crab for pity's sake!! Get with the program!!! Put on your flippers, water wings, and snorkel gear. It's time you learned how to make small talk with a precocious Pisces. If nothing else, no one will ever call you a "dumb decapod"!

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

The good news is that you'll be doing something you love that offers you lots of opportunity to demonstrate your skill and grace--diving. The bad news is you'll be doing a good many belly flops. What do you mean you don't like being laughed at? Remember, you're are a lion, you're "King of the Jungle"...and if at first you don't succeed, you can always take up skydiving!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Last month you impressed everyone with your mastery of Basket-Weaving 101. The good news is that this month you'll have oodles of time to engage in your favorite pastime, reading dictionaries and encyclopedias in your ablution hut. The bad news is that you'll have to put up with lids left off boxes, tins and toothpaste and people who move your personal things. Tough widdlytinks!

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

Lady Luck is on your side this month, you'll only have to visit three ugly places, put up with 17 sloppy people, and endure 25 confused situations with accompanying loud arguments. The bad news is that you'll be bothered by 42 small creatures including ants, rodents and armadillos, and you'll receive not one thank you note, billet-doux, box of chocolates or bunch of flowers. What a bummer!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

This is the best month for you to take up your favorite pastime, flying by the seat of your pants (on your magic carpet of course). It may be "National Fairy Day" on June 24th, but if you want to keep your sanity, avoid rainbows, pots of fool's gold, and vertically-challenged, environmentally-friendly, green-clad shoe repair people if at all possible. You'll get your kicks this month on "Route 66"!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

The good news is that in June you're going to be pursuing one of your greatest passions, keeping pets ...be they moles from your well-manicured front lawn, or prairie dogs making a wretched mess of your back forty putting range. The bad news is that your friends and family are going to avoid you like the plague. Frankly, they're sick and tired of hearing your bleeping shaggy dog stories!

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

You may be a "borderline carnivore", your avid interest in cultivating insect-eating plants, (with pitfall traps, flypaper traps, snap traps, bladder traps and lobster-pot traps), are scaring your neighbors, not to mention their pets and children half to death. Consider taking up a more active lifestyle like skipping, playing hop-scotch, or using a hula hoop to win friends and influence people!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

Your broad shoulders, large bone structure, and long neck plus your perverse if not prudish personality mean that you're well suited to exercise, not any kind of exercise mind you. "Laughter Yoga" is the only one that'll exercise your mirth muscles. What do you mean you haven't got a funnybone? When it comes to laughing, quit complaining "Just fake it until you make it!"

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

It's said that Pisces is the least prejudiced and most compassionate of all the zodiac signs. And, this month, you're going to need all the tolerance and patience you've got. The good news is that when you let go and float with the tide, you're likely to bump into a rare fish with two heads that winks at you. The bad news is that bouncing around in a boat makes you nauseous, gives you a headache, and leaves you feeling a tad blue. Just cry in your beer -- better luck next month.

So, how many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb? - One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless!

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Image Credit: chumpysclipart.com - image# 443

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR THE MERRY MONTH OF MAY?

Okay, listen up, it's time once again to dance around the Maypole. So, get your dancing shoes on, put on a smile, and look as if you had a hot clue what's going on!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Everyone knows you look tall and bold which is why sitting at home on the couch eating nachos and waiting for the planets to make good things happen in your life makes you look ridiculous. Since Jupiter is passing over Neptune, you'd better learn how to text message or you'll be missing out on a lot of spiritual enlightenment with a gregarious green alien. How odd, but very interesting...check it out.

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

It may be your birthday month, but control your urge to devour your cake in one sitting, blow out the candles on your first attempt, or gulp down a dozen "Red Bulls"...you may live to regret it. A word of advice, this is no time to find out whether you enjoy pushing up the daisies (even if it is your favorite flower) !

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

You may love to hear the sound of your own voice, trumpet your own horn, and smell far too many orchids for your own good, but this is not a wise idea this month. Nor is attempting to solve the world's problems good for your constitution. Try something less stressful like watching grass grow, talking to tulips, or playing with pet rocks.

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

Although you're renowned for your crabby disposition and crying far too much in your own beer not to mention the beer belonging to your friends, family and the occasion foe, this month it's time to suck it up. If you want to be appreciated, why not learn something useful like how to cook toads-in-the-hole or pigs-in-a-blanket and sing the melody to "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall".

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

This month the planetary influences are all over the map, which means you will be too. Leo listen up and quit all that growling and scowling. Your best chance for success is to enter a tiddlywinks or toe-wrestling tournament. What do you mean you don't know how and there's no crown large enough to put on your head? Face it, you'll be lucky if you can earn a yellow ribbon the way you're going!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Your coping skills are about to be tested this month. So, it's time to don your hard hat, hip waders, and recite your favorite meditations because there are a lot of dragons, trolls, and alligators hanging out in very strange places like the washing machine, the trunk of your car, and your closet. Don't ask why...just smile and count to ten...otherwise, if you smash them to smithereens, you'll have to pick up all the ooey gooey, messy bits afterwards.

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

You can expect a wee bit of tension this month in the bedroom which is why you'll have to reposition matters to avoid any unnecessary squabbles. All of which means that you shouldn't make a big deal about anything like who forgot to bring you your favorite milk and cookies at bedtime, or arguing over whether strawberry chewing gum loses its flavor on the bedpost overnight. Lighten up Libra and smell your socks for a change!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

Ta-da, finally the Fickle Finger of Fate has you in her eyes. While that might be great if you were any other astrological sign, but you're a Scorpio...and if bad things are going to happen, they most always happen to you. So, invite Destiny's Disaster or the Dirt Devil into your life (as long as it isn't a Capricorn cutie). Look at it this way, you'll never have to repeat this lesson again, provided you learn to put an end to your obstinate and overbearing attitude.

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

This month is not one of your best one's this year. In fact, it's pretty much a write-off as things go in the universe of all things great and small. Pesky problems are in store for you, such as bosses raining on your parade, pets peeing on your pansies, and family members sharing in their sob stories while crying in their beer without so much as offering you a little libation. Cheer up it could be worse...do you really want to be up a creek without a paddle?

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

Old flames are back in your world. Do you have your fire extinguisher handy or are you willing to walk on burning coals (as long as you're wearing your fire-retardent slippers)? Maybe this is the time to look at that special someone you were once so in lust with, and ask how you ever agreed to share a peanut butter and jam sandwich with this person? Befriend a Scorpio, and don't dabble with any fickle fingers of fate or you may be sorry!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

Oh joy, something in the heavens is going retrograde, and that means ripsnorting relatives and frantic family situations from the past are coming back into your life again. Your usual thoughtful, caring, and cooperative attitude not to mention your charm and diplomacy won't work. How could they? Remember, it's your family...you know the wacky, weird, and wonky wonderkins which is why you left home at the first opportunity. Maybe it's time to hire "The One-Eyed One-Horned Flying Purple People Eater"?

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

This is a mildly accident-prone month for you. Let's see you have a list of 10 options to choose from, (five are a sure thing): a flat tire on the freeway, a skunk in your trunk, a dog peeing on your new shoes, a touch of swine flu, three hours of hiccups, spilling coffee on your boss's lap, splitting your shorts during exercise class, running over your neighbor's new flower bed, putting your red scarf in a white wash, your dentist will fill the wrong tooth. The good news is your smoke alarm will go off when your dinner's ready!

How many Aries' does it take to change a light bulb? - Just one ... you mean the thing I just ate was a light bulb?

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WHAT'S IN STORE FOR AMUSING APRIL?

Ah yes it's April, time for fools to come out and play, not to mention time to count those blessed blossoms again!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Spring has sprung which means it's definitely time to butt heads again, the question is with whom. Don't let this get out of hand since Aries is the cardinal fire sign of the zodiac, and you wouldn't really want to go up in flames prematurely would you? So, avoid being brash, brazen or bossy and stay away from bratty kids unless you wish to be bopped by monsters, aliens, or mothers on the warpath.

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

Since Venus (the planet of love) is going retrograde for the next couple of weeks, it's probably a good idea to cool your hooves and befriend either chipmunks and squirrels who don't mind being around someone going nuts this month. If your demeanor is more youthful, perhaps mischievous, lighthearted, and non-threatening who knows...wimps and worrywarts may call upon you for advice or even engage you in pleasant conversation...bully for you!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

There may be plenty of blossoms around, but the fickle finger of fate does not suggest that romance is in the air for you. But, if you insist on letting your passionate personality out to play then unorthodox, experimental, and non-intimate relationships may be favored. So, get ready for a hot date with a marvellous monster named "Ginormica", a mirthful medical practitioner named "Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D.", or an robust ripsnorting alien named "Gallaxhar". Yippee Aye Oh!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

This is no time to play the unappreciated, dingbat, dweeb or diva of drudgery who toils away in the dungeon while others hog the limelight. The sun is in your sign this month, so now you can parlay your well-known talent for demonstrating the merits of elbow grease into a golden key for the executive washroom or at the every least, a new title, such as "Director of Do-This-Do-That" which you can show off at your next networking event!

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Okay, so you're ready to burst open like daffodil, crocus, or whatever and enjoy a spring fling because Venus is doing her thing in your eighth house of sex, mystery and intimacy. However, Mars is also hanging out in the same house and a past indiscretion could come to light, or old feelings of jealousy and possessiveness may give you far too many bad hair days. So, keep your sneakers on, you may need to run for cover!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Yup, it's that time of year again when your body demands a spring clean-out! So what can you look forward to this month to take your mind off the uphill battle you been waging with annoying aliens or angry alligators inhabiting swamps? What do you mean you have no intention of signing up for a juice cleanse, a detox or a fast that can restore your immune system to fighting shape? Frankly, It's a heck of a lot more comfortable than a visit to a roto-router and it'll do the trick!

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

The sun is travelling through your opposite sign, Aries, at least half the month...what a bummer. It means you'll have to get off your pity pot and put an end of procrastination you little putz. Life can't always be pretty or picture perfect. Take a stand, quite watch grass grow and jelly jiggle. Choose a direction...preferably one of four: north (where Santa resides), east (where the wicked witch lives), south (where beach bunnies hang out), and west (where cowboys ride off into the sunset).

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

Yikes, you're a force to be reckoned with when "Spring Fever" hits! The good news is that Mars is in your fifth house of romance which means oodles of heads will be turning as you strut, sashay, or slink your way along the road of life. The bad news is since Venus is in retrograde, an "ex" may appear on your doorstep when you least expect it. So before you say "Open Sesame" or open your front door ...just think about that toxic titillation...are you really that desperate for affection?

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Ugh...your love life hasn't exactly been a bed of roses has it? Probably because it's spring and roses only grow in hothouses along with magical mushrooms (but we won't go there, you're already too light-headed as it is). The good news is that few Sags are going to be counting calories while the Sun is in pleasure-centric Aries. So why not indulge - eat all the chocolate Easter eggs you want (besides, it's a great substitute for frolicking in the holly fuds isn't it?)

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

It's that spring self-care time of year again when you can refill your empty tanks with not-your-average nurturing activities like twiddling your thumbs, wiggling your ears, twitching your nose, wagging your tongue and, last but not least, toe-wrestling. Forget about planting plastic flowers in your front garden, dotting i's or crossing t's or dor making mud-pies, they can't sooth your sassy soul or help you de-stress. The good news is that sex burns calories...so go for it!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

With all that kinetic energy at your disposal this month, it's time to kick those darn dust-bunnies under the rug. Since the sun is in your third house of communications, why not chinwag with a few of your choice chums about your sagging self-confidence and lagging love life of late. Although you've made strides in becoming Don Juan or Queen of Sheba, you may be experiencing a setback due to Saturn, planet of maturity, which has been retrograde in your eighth house of sex, intimacy and deep bonding all year. Tough tiddies, try your luck next month.

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

This hasn't been the easiest year for your love life. About the most intimacy you've had this year is with that android alien who tells you that your voice-mail inbox is full and needs to be cleaned out...and it's about time...it's springtime after all! The good news is that there is a full moon in April which is great if you're in the mood for making love to moonbeams, playing peek-a-boo among the stars because that's as close as you'll get to an intimate encounter!

So, how many Pisces' does it take to change a light bulb? - What lightbulb...we're the source of enlightenment for all mankind; now, can we get back to our favo

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Image Credit: Pisces - Eduard Kachan, illustrator, 123rf.com - image #441035

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR MARCH MADNESS?

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

This is a cost-cutting year. So, the best thing to do is tighten your belt, sing for your supper and get used to eating bananas. And just for fun, you little Seagoat, toss your hooves and fins. By all means, take up yoga, and learn how to hang upside down. You must admit, the world looks a tad more interesting that way!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

Let's face it, the stars just aren't in your favor. You're going to toss your water bucket at everyone you meet. Water creatures like you will scatter joy in really weird places. Uranus is in Pisces and that means you're in for a bumpy ride to the Land of Extinct Creatures like Dodo birds and Dingbats. Wear violet so the frigging seagulls won't plop on your mop!

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

Okay, so it's your birthday ...lighten up! Fishy folk like you, who can't make up their minds which stream of consciousness to paddle about in, deserve a rest. It's time to haul out your old vinyl records of "The Monkeys", listen to the beat, and do the "Full Monty" in front of a mirror. Make sure it's pocket-sized, after all you don't want any streaking complaints from your neighbours!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Listen up! Ram-a-dam-a-ding-dongs like you had their best chance to succeed last year. So, quit complaining that the cards were stacked against you winning the American Idol Contest. Your voice sucks, you won't spoil kids, and are careless with the details like even entering the contest and doing an audition. Get with the times, wear a monkey suit just like the other zoo zodiac folks on Wall Street!

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

For bulls in a china shop like you, this month will be a little perplexing. After all, what to do bulls and ardvaarks have in common? Well, let's see, they're smelly, never listen, never brush their teeth and aren't potty-trained. Let's face it, you need a miraculous makeover! Try your luck with a walk-on part as a zany zombie in a horror movie!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

So how can "The Twins" cash in all the nuttiness going on around the globe"? What do you mean you don't like nuts -- the world is full of them. Get with the program -- be the King and Queen of your castle, chew double-mint gum, collect all the two-for-the-price-of-one coupons you can lay your hands on. No, forget about two-timing ...it's not in the cards!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

Crabs and monkeys don't really have a strong affinity for one another. But strange things happen during the transit of Uranus in Pisces. Give Telus a call (they like hearing from off-the-wall creatures). Tell them you want a starring role in one of their TV ads. Fight for equal-opportunity hiring practices! Hey, it's time for water signs to get a break!!

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Okay we all know that you're a generous, fun-loving feline. But this year, you're going to have to share your throne with the some pretty dastardly dudes. The good news is that you'll receive lots of stroking throughout the year. The bad news is that the Wicked Witch of the West may put a hex on your head. So, why not make your bald spot a funny feature?

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

The might be your opportunity to shine in the dark just like those wreteched glow sticks. Mercury rules your sign, that's why you're so nervous, cranky, eccentric, untidy, dogmatic, prudish, undemonstrative, overly demanding, not to mention scathingly critical of the lazy. Gee whiz, with all that stuff going for you, how come you're looking so wimpy this month?

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

Well we all know that you're the harmony-seeking "air head" wunderkind of the universe. This year you can descend from the clouds you've been living in and be a chimpanzee for a change. Time to toss the narcissistic, lazy, sulky, fearful, indecisive, manipulative, overbearing and flirtatious cover you've been wearing! Whoopee!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

What does a scorpion say to a monkey when they meet? "Get out of my way before I zap you with my zinger you pesky thing!" How does the monkey respond? "Get out of my way or I'll put a hex on you, you little creep!" Yup, that about sums up their dysfunctional state of affairs. Maybe Cupid will have better luck on Valentine's Day!

SAGITTARIUS (22 November - 21 December)

The mutable Archers have a knack of transforming negative situations with their eternally optimistic spirit. This year, they're going to need all the uplifting, positive thoughts they can get, because this month the Fickle Finger of Fate is back in town. And this mischief-maker can't wait to poke fun at archers by having them shoot themselves in the foot just to see them dance!

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Image Credit: Poison Tart @flickr.com

Okay Aquarius The Water Bearer...Listen Up!

So how many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy...so..., which reminds me, have you asked whether the lightbulb wants to be changed?

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Image Credit: 123rf.com - 4410362

Happy Birthday to the Wackiest Water-Bearing Wunderkin the the World!

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR FUNNY FEBRUARY?

This month it's time for pucker-power people to capitalize on amusing arm candy, curious candy kisses, and oodles of cheeky chocolate chewies...so get rid of that godawful gum, kick up your heels and enjoy yourself for pity's sake!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Oh yoo hoo..."Ram-a-dama-a-ding", is anyone home? Get with the program will you! Okay, so goats can become a wee bit harsh and nasty if their fragile egos are threatened, are perhaps a tad jealous of other people's abilities and achievements, and often have friends that don't last too long. Get over it! Suck it up...cause this month it's time to dress for success in your knightly armour (or powder puff outfit), jump on a trusty steed (or a Smart car), and find a fair lady/damsel-in-distress worth saving (or a frog worth kissing whatever the case may be).

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

The "Year of the Rabbit" means that you should probably avoid hanging out with Bugs Bunny or trying to do a hop, skip and a jump routine in a china shop unless you're prepared for disastrous consquences. Just accept with grace the fact that you're a boring beast with a "bull-headed" nature, which is why you should wake up and smell the roses, put on your rose-colored glasses, crank up the melodious music and play on the back forty with the deer and the antelope!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

Let's face it, where would you be without your cell phone, two-way talking wrist-watch, or your twitter text messaging Blackberry? Up the creek without a paddle...a fate worse than death, that's what. The consummate gabbing guru/goddess...you could sweet-talk that sassy serpent out of any apple you wanted. Quit complaining about having to bob for apples...just find someone who's sweet as apple pie to keep you company on February 14th!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

So what if you're a cranky, crab-faced crustacean with long arms and legs who dribbles food or drinks even when past babyhood. The good news is that you don't like being in the limelight, enjoy your own company for hours on end, and adore inventing invisible playmates who never give you any grief. All of which means that your best bet for Valentine's this year is to host a tea party for all your invisible friends, play a game of tiddlywinks, and toss that ridiculous bib...it doesn't become you!

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

You may be thinking that Valentine's Day entitles you to the lion's share of all those dashing dudes or lovely ladies hanging out at your local watering hole. However, you might be well advised to rest, relax, and take a long cat-nap because this year it's a Cowabunga Cutie who has center stage. Love may be a many-splendored thing, but you should take a pass this year...unless you adore stepping in a whole lot of cowpies!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Did you know that your Tarot card is "the hermit"? That probably explains why you'll be spending Valentine's Day home alone, probably enjoying a bit of platonic flirtation with yourself in the mirror, and leafing through your bedside library to find an informative book on sex because you dearly want to understand the finer details of self-improvement and fertility not to mention the pros and cons of getting involved with anyone who doesn't appreciate your notion of duty with devotion.

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

Although you're not overly-fond of vigorous sweaty exercises, terrified of being alone, and see yourself as the ugly duckling of the fairy tale, the good news is that your narcissistic, indecisive, and sulky disposition is unlikely to attract admirers, (unless they have deep pockets, good social or business connections and are willing to let you grow into a swan on the long-term installment plan). So, forget about being an "ugly ducking"...be a glow-worm instead and let your lovely light shine!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

Since Venus is in Aries, it's time for Spunky Scorpion to strut their stuff rather than waiting for love to knock on your frigging door! In your case, that means taking a break from the rat race, indulging yourself in a bit of self-love, surrounding yourself with creature comforts, and pampering your Pluto self to smithereens! Make sure you stock your goody bag with your favorite melt-in-your-mouth liqueur-flavored chocolates!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Okay, so we know that Cupid is your idol. But let's face it, you haven't exactly been on target with your bow and arrow lately (especially in the love department). So Tin-Man, frankly it's time to put your spurs on, get into the saddle again, and jump back up onto your hobby horse! Whatever you do, steer clear of any possessive people, conservative thinkers, and boldless bureaucrats, they will not make your heart go pitty-pat. Don't forget to smile so your smooch-inclined soul-mate can find you!

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

The good news is that Venus is in your communications sector and Mars is in Capricorn, your "me" sector. All of which means that you have a winsome way with words (which means you won't be making the same mistake as last year when you wrote that loopy love letter to that nerdy next-door neighbor). And, since fiery Mars is sending up fireworks hailing the fact that there is no "I" in team, you'll be glad to know that the coast is clear so now you can go out and find a honey-bun...just be careful of the sticky ones!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

Okay water-bearer, it's time to toss your wet-blanket, worry-wart friends and find the love of your life. Venus and Mars, planets more commonly known as cosmic lovers of the zodiac are in sync, thank goodness. All of which means that you'll have more mad money in your pocket, more self-confidence to slay a dragon or two, and inner peace in your life so you can enjoy the merits of sleep-walking for a change. Now's the best time to play "spin the bottle"; after all, it's a great game of chance and a wonderful way to meet pucker-powered people!

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

Pisces may be a wonderful water sign, but that's no reason for you to hang out with funny fish all the time. In fact, since Neptune rules your sign, and your sign rules your feet, perhaps you'll meet your soul mate while walking on water or dancing in a dinghy. On the other hand, if you like swimming, sailing, snorkeling and taking long walks along the beach, you may bump into your bosom buddy when you least expect it! Go for it you ripsnorting rudderless romantic!

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb? - Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

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Image Credit: www.chumpysclipart.com - image #439

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS OCTOBER!

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

Aries (21 March - 19 April)

Rams are going to be happy for the next eight months because misfit Mars is giving them a big boost in the butt head department. What do you mean you're not impressed? You'll be filled with so much pucker power that the Energizer Bunny will need at least fifty copper-topped batteries just to keep up with your sassy shenanigans. The good news is that the ants won't even try to poke a hole in your dam…the bad news is that they may eat you out of house and home!

Taurus (20 April - 20 May)

The arrival of Mars in your own backyard suggests that life will neither be tranquil nor full of treats. The good news is that Mars will power up your DNA - Domestic Nuisance Amusements quotient. This means you'll have oodles of ridiculous excuses as to why you can't move mountains or sofas, clean up swamps or sinks, or polish any silverware for that matter. Oh joy, you'll need all the patience you can muster, because you're going nowhere fast for the next eight months!

Gemini (21 May - 20 June)

Knock off the cheerful attitude and wipe that smirk off your face because Mars is back in town. Why aren't you brimming with enthusiasm at the prospect that for the next eight months you're to be super busy doing all the things you hate: being kept waiting, listening to endless complaints, and having to concentrate on only one thing for a very long time! Suck it up sweetie, 'cause sometimes life is a lemon!

Cancer (21 June - 22 July)

The bad news this month is that there's a frigging fireball heading your way. The good news is that for the next eight months you're going to be running around with an outboard motor on your blessed backside? Thank god you're a water sign! And, quit complaining Lord Lard-Belly or Lady Loose Love-Handles; just consider yourself lucky you can trim some fat off and float in your own bathtub for once in your life!

Leo (23 July - 22 August)

Aren't you glad that Mars rules your muscles, because you're going to busting your big buns until the middle of 2010. The bad news is that members of the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians won't have much time for rest, relaxation or catnaps. Look on the bright side, at least you'll have lots of get-up-and-go to play hop-scotch, snakes and ladders, and kick-the-can (which is all that's in store for you for the next eight months)!

Virgo (23 August - 22 September)

Mars is in a hidden part of your chart, which probably means that you won't be able to find or to eat anything containing Milk chocolate, (Sugar, Cocoa Butter, Chocolate, Lactose, Skim Milk, Milkfat, Soy Lechithin, Artificial flavor), Corn Syrup, Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Skim Milk, Less than 2% - Milk fat, Cocoa Powder Processed with Alkali, Lactose, Malted Barley, Wheat Flour, Salt, Egg-Whites, Artificial Flavor, and Soy Protein. Aren't you glad that you're an earth sign with a strong constitution, (which means you'll have at least eight months to get used to devouring those delightful wiggly garden worms).

Libra (23 September - 22 October)

The arrival of Mars means that you're going to be involved with all manner of weird and wonderful groups. The good news is that you'll have abundant energy to devote to the Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog, the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes, and the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll. Regrettably, you'll also have to put up with the peculiar charm of Great Pumpkins, unwelcome ghosts, and a flock of meddlesome bats that descend on your nest at Halloween and won't clean up after themselves.

Scorpio (23 October - 21 November)

With Mars popping into your chart for the next 10 months, you're going to be so powerful and intimidating that you're going to scare away not only all the wicked witches and voracious vampires on Halloween, but all the boghogs, burbling cybernauts, and born-again butlers in the universe. There is one piece of positive news, the Hingefreel people of Arkintoofle Mino,r (whose spaceships are powered by bad news), invite you to drop by and share any bits of glop and glum you've got!

Sagittarius (22 November - 21 December)

Aren't you glad that your ruler Jupiter is still giving you an upbeat outlook on life and restoring your belief in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny? Being half man and half horse has it's challenges, which is why Mars arriving in your sign for the next little while will mean you'll be having oodles of fetlock fun with sadsacks like Eeeyore and a long-forgotten celebrity, named Francis the Talking Mule. Frankly, things could be worse, especially if you had to perform in the closing March of the AnjaQantine Star Guard from Act IV of Rizgar's Blamwellamum of Woont!

Capricorn (22 December - 19 January)

The Mars phenomenon will definitely amplify your passionate desires for visiting shoe museums, playing mini-putt golf, and walking on water or skating on thin ice depending on the weather. It's probably a great time to buy some romantic rags or Cupid couture at your favorite consignment store. Forget about wearing a shapeless sheet on Halloween; do you really want to woo a wicked witch or a lure a sexy Scarecrow to your door?

Aquarius (20 January - 18 February)

Mars will be visiting your sign for the next eight months, which means you're going to put all your cards on the table! What's not to like about playing "Fish", "Crazy Eights", and "Snap" with all your weird friends? You'll be strong, clear, and decisive about what you want…which means you get to be as eccentric as you want and tell others what needs to be done. The bad news is that you'll have to spend Halloween in the company of far too many horrible hags who'll insist you consume seven lizards, five toads, three snakes, two pigs, and a pinch of salt (which will leave you with an unforgettable tummy ache). Tough tiddies!

Pisces (19 February - 20 March)

Everyone knows how much you want glory, and with Mars in your sign for the next eight months, you're going to have all the recognition you desire. What do you mean you don't give a sweet tweet about whether you're given the title, "The Honorable Snatchgobble Bilque, Member in Good Standing of the Milquetoast of Human Kindness Society", or "Baroness of Bath Bubbles"? Frankly, just be glad that Mars probably has bigger fins to fry than you Pisces!

If Virgos are Very Important People, Then How Many Are Required to Change A Light Bulb?

Let's see, one to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was purchased, one to decide who's fault it is that the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb...

If truth be told however, Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs, because they're much too busy changing them for everyone else.

ZODIAC ZONKERS FOR SILLY SEPTEMBER

Image Credit: Poison Tart at flickr.com

It's back to the books for most kids, and for the rest of us...well, maybe it's time for a bit of bonkers!

Aries (21 March - 19 April)

So what if Mercury is going retrograde for the month of September. You're prepared like every ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong goat is to butt heads against stone walls (the only success-challenged strategy you possess to remove obstacles in your path). Your best bet this month is to take up fly-swatting which will help you cope with the long delays you'll be encountering while waiting for "Godot" to show up and get you out of your pathetic predicament. Serves you right for trying to pull the wool over the eyes of a sexy Scorpio or virile Virgo, shame on you!

Taurus (20 April - 20 May)

Let's face it, you've never been impressed by anyone who says you should tackle problems simply by taking the bull by the horns, ears, tails or any part of your beastly body. Frankly, you don't want to be taken by anyone, especially a limp-handed Libra or a sappy Saggitarian, both of whom want to lead you down the garden path this month. Instead, just sit tight and avoid kicking up your hooves. Try watching grass grow or petting rocks if you really must, because next month you'll be ready for those bats from hell when they break loose from their caves.

Gemini (21 May - 20 June)

Your impractical, impatient, and irritable features will come in handy this month because with Mercury gone retrograde, your big ideas will fall flat on your face (which might be a godsend given your looks). As if that's not enough your dual personality will get you into a pickle (a sour one, not a sweet one), because you won't be able to talk your way out of a paper bag which is your normal style. Don't even think of sucking your thumb, it won't endear you to either your family or friends who are totally bored by your lopsided liberal views on the weather.

Cancer (21 June - 22 July)

Just because there's a full moon the early part of the month and the end of summer sunshine, doesn't mean that you should consider romancing a starfish, a sea cucumber or even that skimpy bit of seaweed lying on the beach. Your hard outer shell will definitely come in handy this month for fending off Aquarian wet noodles and cockamamie Capricorns. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but none of them are worth dating this month because Mercury's gone retrograde. Better luck next month when you can hook up with a giddy ghost or two.

Leo (23 July - 22 August)

This is not the time to be admiring your marvelous mane in the mirror especially when the world is going to heck in a hand-basket not to mention mayhem and misunderstandings prevail at home and at the office. Frankly, no one gives a sweet tweet about your majestic leonine looks, and you can forget about finding anyone willing to stroke or run their fingers through your curly locks. Mercury's back in town, so the best you can do is go it alone and figure out whether to wear a fine hairpiece or to make your bald head a feature! Hey, things could be worse!

Virgo (23 August - 22 September)

Your tell-tale qualities including self-perfection, shrewd logical thought, and scathing criticism of folks who idle their gas-guzzling engines just for the heck of it, will not win you any brownie points this month. As a matter of fact, Mercury is playing havoc with all manner of things, and lots of *hit is hitting the fan, so it's not a great time to be buying a car, a truck, or a bike. Thank God you're resourceful, because if you really need transportation you'll just thumb a lift, or ride a hobbyhorse to work and impress your boss with your gleeful green ideas.

Libra (23 September - 22 October)

You're the cardinal air sign of the zodiac, which is great if you're a finely tuned wind instrument. But, the Fickle Finger of Fate has you down on her Karma Kindergarten class as a wee "wind bag" destined for fame and fortune in the floundering field of trial balloons going nowhere fast. The good news is that this month is great for gazing at your navel attentively and researching what color of lint is most frequently found in tummy buttons of homo sapiens and boghogs. Lighten up Libra, and stop sulking or going into the garden to eat worms!

Scorpio (23 October - 21 November)

Life is full of snafus and this month is no exception for a suspicious sun sign like you. You may be the fixed water sign of the zodiac, but your usual "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead!" attitude won't work (especially when Mercury is making sure that you can't float your boat let alone a yellow rubber duck in your bathtub). While you may think it's time to buy a computer because you're getting weird error messages like "Invalid mouse movement", "Bad file name. Go stand in the corner", "We didn't do it!" … trust me Mercury is in a mess…forget it!

Sagittarius (22 November - 21 December)

You'll be running into old friends this month …like the neighbor's dog that pees on your purple petunias, an old flame that torched your apartment with her crazy candlelight and wine caper, or your grade 1 teacher who thought you had a career in aviation judging from the number of paper darts that flew by her head during "Show & Tell". But don't pack your bags too fast, unless it's for Timbuktu…where sadly your airline has forwarded your bags in 49 pieces, and there's an outbreak of bedbugs driving everyone crazy. Mercury, shame on you!

Capricorn (22 December - 19 January)

You're the only zodiac sign that Mercury has decided to befriend this month. Oh joy - that probably means you'll only have to endure 152 delays, 43 misunderstandings, 26 lost items, 17 cancellations, and 3 enigmatic error messages from a computer named "Harl". The really good news is that finally you've found love in a sizzling hot supermarket. There's a cute, cuddly carrot, how about some seductive-looking snow peas, or maybe a snappy piece of celery - it has your name written all over it! A fling with a vegetarian is fun!

Aquarius (20 January - 18 February)

Glory hallelujah, things are looking up for the zodiac's most perverse, eccentric and tactless sun sign. Mercury is paying a visit to our planet this month to muck up the works, which means it might be a good idea to postpone your pathetic plan to jump off the earth, or take up paragliding in order to explore a ridiculous rainbow. Likewise, it's probably not a good idea to exercise your voyeuristic curiosity about people by looking through peepholes. Best advice this month: lift lots of weights (which is nifty news for delightful dumbbells like you)! Oh joy!!

Pisces (19 February - 20 March)

Goodness gracious, what are you going to do without your handy dandy time travel machine this month? Mercury's made sure that you've got 30 days to learn how navigate a Yellow Brick Road, knock off the Wicked Witch of the West, and make friends with a yappy dog named Toto, a supremely silly scarecrow, a tin man without a ticker, and a lion lacking in courage...because you're not in Kansas any more you twit! Face it, things could be worse. You might have been exiled to Betelgeuse Five and forced to spend every blinking if not boring moment with Almighty Bob and his only begotten son, The Sandwich Maker!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR LEO!

Q: How many Leos (or Leonas) does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twelve (or more precisely, it actually takes one to change the light bulb plus eleven others to applaud with great enthusiasm!)

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Image Credit: photos.com - image 91821890

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR ADDLEPATED AUGUST?

Okay, so you haven't got a hot clue about how to read tea leaves, tarot cards, or the enigmatic entrails of strange animals including amusing ardvaarks, disgruntled dodo birds, or belligerent boghogs. But fess up, every now and then, you really do glance furtively at your horoscope don't you?

Daphne Druthers, (author and co-founder of the "Astroblast Friends Network") shares her zodiac zonking insights in what makes this month mirthful and truly dysFUNctional! Advice given in this column should be taken with either a grain of salt, a dash of Tabasco Brand hot pepper sauce/Worcester sauce mixed with vodka on ice (minus that wimpy celery stalk and wedge of left-over lime), or a shot of virgin Clamato juice on the rocks!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

The good news is that you share the same sun sign as a world-renowned muscian named J.S. Bach. The bad news is he's deader than a door nail and he'd probably roll over in his grave if he knew you hadn't a hot clue about his "Well-Tempered Clavier" or "The Art of the Fugue" let alone how to maintain an organ or play a harpsicord. On the other hand, you'd be pleased to know that he was "incompletely successful" like you, (he failed an audition for an organist's post at Sangerhausen), while you are destined to bungle, botch up, and be the butt of every joke in town this month. Whoever said life's a picnic got it wrong -- what a bummer!

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

Aren't you glad that you share a sun sign, not to mention an abiding interest in flakes and nuts, with a famous person like Sigmund Freud? That probably accounts for why you're boring, insensitive, obstinate, materialistic, slow-moving, self-indulgent and prone to sitting far too long in front of pondering pools trying to figure out how to get out of the rut you're in or whether you should pick up a bottle of "Raging Bull" wine for dinner. This month your usual artistic flair, good sense of time, and gentle placid demeanor will backfire. Avoid china shops, red flags, and opinionated oxen at all costs. Cheer up, things could be a lot worse!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

Like Queen Victoria, with whom you share a scintillating sun sign, you are not amused with life or "the whole ball of wax", nor do you like wasting time, listening to endless complaints and being kept waiting, any more than you do being left alone in the dark, stranded up the creek without a paddle, or having to concentrate on only one thing for a long time which frankly boggles your munchkin mind. The good news it's a great month for working on a problem. After all, you're fantastic when it comes to making mountains out of molehills! Oh the joys of being the most impractical, impatient and irritable sign of the zany zodiac!!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

You'll be pleased to know that you and one of the major fiction writers of the 20th century, Franz Kafka, both share the same sun sign and an apparent interest in the hopelessness and absurdity of life as a cranky crab. Aren't you glad you don't suffer from clinical depression and social anxiety not to mention migraines, insomnia, constipation, boils, and other ailments, all usually brought on by excessive stresses associated with the metaphysical quest for God? Exercise your sense of curiosity like Kafka; try dating a Beach Bunny or Summer Santa. By the way, watch out for all those marvellous margaritas -- they're wicked when wet!

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Oh joy, you share the same sun sign as that famous feline finagler, cunning clothing-optional character, and sexy, 20th century super-spy, "Mata Hari". This probably accounts for why you have a keen interest in baubles, bangles, beads and bejewelled bras. Now if only you could tone down your tendency to cut off others at the knees, refrain from taking undue credit for the work of others, and quit sulking when you don't get your way, the rest of the dirty rascals in the barnyard of life might atually hang out with you and let you in on how to play "Kick the Can" this month. Whatever you do, wear yellow and orange and you'll be a cool cat!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

You share a good deal in common with Greta Garbo, the Swedish-born 20th century silent-film actress. You're both entertaining enigmas and inscrutable, intriguing figures who adore bats, porcupines and mink with a tendency to be dogmatic, untidy, and a tad eccentric but always the wise investor. The good news is that this month, like Greta, you'll be taking long walks through the streets of some big city, dressed casually and wearing large sunglasses doing who knows what. The bad news is that you'll be hounded not by the papparazzi but by a man in blue issuing you a summons for jay-walking. Tsk, tsk, shame on you!

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

While some see Libra as an "airhead" or worse yet, a "hot-air" enthusiast, take heart because you share the spotlight with a famous fellow sun sign, the 19th century Irish author, playwright and poet, Oscar Wilde. And, as the witty wordsmith says, "Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much". So, this month, you're going to send all your foes and nemeses an amusing arrangement of colorful, long-stemmed plastic roses or a beautiful bouquet of dried (dreadfully dead) flowers with an accompanying sincere, tersely worded apology printed with the hand of a five-year old on a garrish pink post-it-note. Oh what fun!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

As the French satirist Voltaire once said: "The opportunity for doing mischief is found a hundred times a day, and of doing good once in a year." And since both of you were born under the Scorpio sun sign, and agree that mischief makes the world go round, it's definitely time to engage in a few pranks if not prick a few balloons. Forget about the "whoopee cushion"; few folks sit down long enough these days to make it fun! How about that rubber worm in that fresh garden green salad to freak out those vegetarians? If that doesn't work, invite friends over and serve them roasted rubber chicken and heffalulump hobs. Only 98 to go!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Like your fellow sun sign says: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way" - Mark Twain, the 19th century American writer and humorist. This suggests that firing a bow and arrow on horseback can be dangerous if one is hot-headed, as well as blundering and inept, which is often the case with Saggitarians. The good news is that you're going on an adventure and can take your teddy bear along. The bad news is that you're going to come back with bumps, buises and cuts because you won't sit still long enough to put on a hard-hat, steel-toed boots and a safety harness. Poor little widdums.

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

Capricorn is most often associated with the goat or the donkey. You share the same sun sign as Edgar Allan Poe, the 19th century American writer, poet, editor and literary critic. Your keen interest in horror and humor not to mention mystery and the macabre makes you a bit of a "mad genius" (which is probably fine because most folks don't know how to handle your gloomy grimmaces, your general ennui about the life of a gnat, not to mention your tendency to believe that your way is always the best way to fillet a fish or skin a rabbit). This month you'll be joining Eeyore in the annual summer scavenger hunt to find his wretched tail.

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

You're the "water carrier" sign, like Jules Verne, the 19th century science-fiction novelist who wrote "20,000 Leagues under the Sea". It's also probably why you're constantly complaining about the weather - which is always too hot, too cold, too humid or too dry for your comfort. No wonder you spend most of your life crying out loud in the wilderness that's too wet, crying in your beer that's too warm, or crying over spilled milk and cold porridge. This month you're gonna stop snivelling, suck it up, and smile even if it kills you Snookums! So, how about a ripsnorting round of croquet, tiddlywinks, and hop-scotch to get you off your butt?

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

The good news is that you have a lot in common with Michelangelo, the 16th century Italian Renaissance painter, sculptor, architect, poet, and engineer. The bad news is that you're a fish out of water when it comes to art, (unless of course you count doodling or painting by numbers as art). While you excel at connecting the dots, your dotting of i's and crossing t's leaves a lot to be desired, and throwing a hammer isn't a skill unless you're a Scotsman. So this month you'll be spending most of it outdoors: responding to the call of nature in the woods, improving your rosk-frosting skills, or learning how to dig a one-sit hole in the bush!

Take it from Cancer the Crab, if something looks fishy then by all means ...

"Why not nail that sucker's fins to the floor!"

_____________

Image Credit: www.istockphoto.com - image - 9969174

ARE YOU JUMPING FOR JOY THAT IT'S JULY?

For most folks it's a sizzling summer at the beach slathered in suntan lotion with a UV rating of 60. For Cancer the Crab, it's finally the birthday month and time to celebrate by biting the toes of as many sunbathers as he/she can find. But for the amusing aliens on planet Stavromula Beta (a place no one's ever heard of), they've got a grandstand view this month of the total solar eclipse on the Cancer/Leo cusp, aligned with Mercury, trining Uranus in Pisces, and opposition NN/Lilith, plus Venus is squaring off with Saturn...now why doesn't that impress the heck out of you?

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

The bad news this month is that you won't be in your best shape to play with your bocci balls..what a bummer! The good news is that you'll get tired sooner than usual from engaging in too many games of tiddlywinks, which will give you an excuse to avoid seeing your relatives who insist on your participation in a quick game of "Fish", "Snap" or "Crazy Eights". Aren't you jumping for joy yet?

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

You can thank the "Great Green Arkleseizure" who will save you from having to pitch a tent, wrestle with a porcupine, or step in a cow patch like you did on your vacation last year. The unfortunate news is that your friends bought you a one-way ticket to the barren, bug-infested badlands of Siberia. By the way, don't take any BS from the bears you may encounter while waddling upstream without the benefit of a canoe, a paddle, or even a rubber duck to keep you company.

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

This month you're destined to meet a stranger who will sweep you off your feet and suck you into his vacuum. The good news is that the owner of the vacuum is a politician who adores making long-winded speeches, and you'll be sitting with a numb bum for five hours wondering when it will all end. It could get worse, you might even be invited to pity pot party being hosted by a pair of worry-warts and wet-blankets. Bring a big umbrella and a sob story...you'll fit right in!

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

You're the only one who's happy this month, and rightly so, it's your birthday. The good news is that you can munch on all the toes you want at the beach. The bad news is that more than a few of them have rather large bunions on them, while the remainder have no toes...just web feet. While you adore anything connected with boats, water, ponds, rivers, fountains, baths or fishing, the Great Green Arkleseizure decided that you've been far too cranky or crabby to get any of these little joys this year. Tough tiddies try again next year.

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

This month you're advised to stay upwind of felines wearing heavy perfume, perfectly normal beasts with PMS, or cranky crabs with an appetite for toes. The good news is that you'll enjoy three days of uncommunicative silence, the bad news is you that won't be able to cultivate your usual merry attitude towards extreme personal danger posed by the unexpected visit of the Great Green Arkleseizure (who doesn't kow-tow to anyone, including the King of the Jungle).

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

You're in luck this month. As a result of your social butterly or gadfly efforts of late, you'll be invited to a picnic sponsored by either the Guardians of the Great Horn and Spoon, or the Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog. It doesn't matter that they weren't on your list of who's who...the fact is that they invited you, so stop complaining. The good news is that it's being held in a beach house. The bad news is that you it you'll probably drop your favorite sandwiches, spill your juice and with luck will be full of flies. Remember, you're an earth sign, so suck it up and smile!

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

Last summer, if you recall, you spent your vacation either waiting for Godot (who never showed up) or waiting at the train station for your boat to come in (which was a pointless existential exercise to most folks, but not to Scorpios who tend to remain calm in all situations no matter how boring or dangerous they may be). This month you're destined to sit up on top of a pole, a chimney stack, or the roof of a beach house. Bring a fly swatter, it's bound to come in handy.

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Typical Saggitarians adore travelling, do not like to be tied down, and need to retain the their freedom of movement at all costs. Let's face it, a beach house isn't just a piece of real estate, it's a state of mind, and it doesn't even have to be on the beach. As long as you can go to where land meets water, where earth meets air, where body meets mind, where space meets time...you're happy. The good news is that it's on "Pintleton Alpha", where people are vaguely human but with the added benefit that they can jump up and down without experiencing any gravitation discomfort. You don't to know the bad news, trust me.

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

This month the Great Green Arkleseizure has a surprise for you! Oh joy - a free trip and all-expense vacation at the all inclusive "Blessed Bliss Resort" on Stavromula Beta. The bad news is that it has been described by some space travellers as a "rotten hick planet, drowned with rain and inhabited by bog hogs." The good news is that they serve great watercress sandwiches. Take it or leave -- because that's all you're in store for this month!

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

Being a water carrier, you'll be pleased to know that this month you'll have plenty of pails to fill. All the kids are building sandcastles on the beach and when you hear, "Hail the Pail", you'll know that you've done a bang up job. Stop complaining about having to endure the slings and arrows of outrageous rubber darts not to mention, sand fights, sand flies, and lost sandwiches. It's summertime -- get with the program pail-face!

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

Are you ever in for a surpise this summer. It's all about learning to love the chance to do something different. The good news is that you'll enjoy a dream vacation in a beach house, (actually it's more like an architectural monstrosity owned by a celebrity who's joined the White Buffalo in the Happy Hunting Grounds). The bad news is that the Great Green Arkleseizure has blessed you with an unforgettable opportunity to learn how to say "Have a nice day" in lover three thousand different languages. Just remember to "smile" when the folks from "Candid Camera" drop by!

This Month Only: A Libra Haircut for Half-Price!

This Month Only: A Libra Haircut for Half-Price!
This Month Only: A Libra Haircut for Half-Price!

WHAT'S IN STORE FOR OUTRAGEOUS OCTOBER?

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Known for being brashy, bossy, and boastful, your best bet this month is to learn how to watch grass grow, talk to plants, or stroke pet rocks. And for fun, why not do a bit of monster-mashing at Halloween, but whatever you do don't piss off the Great Pumpkin!

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

Let's face it getting stuck in a rut is definitely your strong suit, as is having little to say about anything. If you want to create a positive impression this month, befriend a wacky witch or two (and frankly, who knows what wonders can happen with a broomstick in a china shop)!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

The only positive thing you've got going for you this month is your favorite color orange. That does not mean however that you should seek advice from any pumpkins. And, stay clear of ghosts and ghouls, (they're not known to share their sex toys with either friends or foes).

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

Since you're not fond of exercising, it may be time to take in a wee bit of toe wrestling or tiddlywinks). If that doesn't turn your crank, why not let off some steam this month by pricking some balloons or smashing some pumpkins (to celebrate Halloween of course).

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

This is no time to be engaging in your favorite pastime, running your fingers through your hair or playing with your curls! It's time to strut your stuff. So, get out there on Halloween and do your "shock and awe" schtick with all those sensitive scapegoats and snivelling scarecrows!

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Stop looking in the mirror at all your crow's feet, and wonder why you flap your wings at strangers. Since eccentricity is your most positive virtue, why not cackle to your heart's content and ride a broomstick to work, (as your contribution to saving the environment!)

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

You may think that tipping the scales is fun, but most people think you've lost your marbles when you do it stark naked just to scare the cats, dogs and kids in your neighborhood on Halloween. Tone it down a tad by wearing a Jolly Green giant outfit (and if you really must, snarl while you're at it).

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

The good news is that your thick eyebrows, bulging eyes, not to mention your hairy arms and legs will come in handy this month. It's Halloween, time to dress up as your favorite flirt-and flattery-challenged insect -- a bedeviled, bothersome Black Widow Spider. (If truth be told, you love emptying a room fast don't you!)

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Let's face it, you're having difficulty hitting the broad side of a barn door with your bow and arrow set. It's time to change hobbies; after all it's Halloween. Your best option is to wave sparklers, utter a few blood-curdling sounds, and call it an early night on October 31 (before the Wicked Witch of the West devours you as a midnight snack!)

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

Being an unhappy, frustrated seagoat is a bit of a bummer. So suck it up, get a new lease on life this month by joining the "Band of Brutes," "Fee-Faw-Foe-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip" and the "Prelates of the Tub-And-Sword." (And, don't forget to wear big black pointy hat for good luck, you'll need it!)

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

Quit wondering why your neck bends to allow your head to droop forward or to tip to one side when thinking. Face it honey you're not that fetching! Besides, it's Halloween, and you're better off hanging out with anyone willing to pick a bone with you (so you can lop off their head just like the Red Queen does). Oh joy!

And A Happy Roasted Ram To You Too!

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They don't call March "Madness" for nothing!

So, hang onto your hat, because you're in for a rambunctious ride this month!

ARIES (21 March - 19 April)

Why don't a sheep shrink when it rains? The answer is probably because they wear raincoats and galoshes, carry a bumbershoot, and were all born Aries that's why! So, quit complaining about the rain because this is your month to rain cats and dogs on someone else's parade for a change!

TAURUS (20 April - 20 May)

You know the old adage that "if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull", if truth be told, this fits you to a tee. And frankly, your b-s-ing around the bush might be just the tactic to use, especially if want to impress your boss and win the coveted golden key to the executive washroom this month!

GEMINI (21 May - 20 June)

It seems that the only people with a permanent smile on their face these days are Wal-Mart greeters. This is probably a good reason to put on your deep thinking hat and figure out how you can give them a bit of grief when you accost them in your pleasingly plump Purple People Eater outfit demanding to know where you can find purple people pasta.

CANCER (21 June - 22 July)

It's time to come out from under your shell and join in some March Madness! What do you mean you don't know how? Try trolling for compliments in a fish pond or cooking up some half-baked ideas. Let's face it, your lack of logic and unbalanced view of life give you a unique edge in all delightfully dead-end endeavors this month.

LEO (23 July - 22 August)

Since you're noted for being a tad sulky, stubborn, and smug when things are not going your way, (due to the untimely appearance of the Fickle Finger of Fate), suck it up Leo that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. And speaking of cooking, maybe you could let your sunny disposition show through one day by playing a gripping game of patty-cake-patty-cake with your friends and family, you do remember how don't you?

VIRGO (23 August - 22 September)

Mutuable earth signs like you, (who are also known as the world's worst worrywarts), need plenty of interesting, practical things to keep the spiders and cobwebs away from your mind which more often than not tends to play tricks on you. So become a needlenoser, enjoy a bit of wicked weaving, or join a clandestine crochet club for a bit yarnbombing.

LIBRA (23 September - 22 October)

Light-headed lunarians like you will revel in the opportunity to keep your head in the clouds this month and away from the rest of humanity for a change. Befriending the God of Thunder and Big Bangs could also come in handy, especially particularly if you want to audition for a place (as the triangle tapper) in the Atilla Mockingbird Orchestra.

SCORPIO (23 October - 21 November)

Scorpio may not be a natural socializer, but when push comes to shove can tell a few jokes, be hospitable towards friends and also make strangers welcome when they call for help. All this will be useful because you'll be hanging out with an irish imp, better known as a lunatic leprechaun, who appears to have lost his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

SAGITTARIUS (21 November - 22 December)

Your odd habit of being a tad eccentric (like planting colorful wooly Easter Eggs in your garden), and your difficulty keeping a secret (like how many sacred cows you've milked in your lifetime), will come in handy this month. Frankly, Spring is coming, it's time to plant those plastic plants frigging flamingoes in your front lawn again.

CAPRICORN (22 December - 19 January)

Capricorns aren't very good judges of character. Remember that Ho-Ho-Ho person you befriended who tossed all those tacky Twelve Days of Christmas on your back forty, or that personality-challenged pumpkin you carved who scared the living daylights out of your dog? This month you have a reprieve, all you have to do keep your beer pitcher full and keep the green aliens happy.

AQUARIUS (20 January - 18 February)

You are the paraglider of the universe who thinks nothing of jumping off the earth to explore a rainbow while remaining unaware of thermals and how to ensure a safe landing. That's the good news, the bad news is that your ability to be tactless and rude will not win you any friends or influence people, unless you're prepared to wear a green spandex body suit, matching fins and a floppy hat on St. Patrick's day.

PISCES (19 February - 20 March)

Your ability to hold secret conversations with invisible (and sometimes long-dead people) plus your aptitude for living in a world of make-believe will come in handy this month. On March 17th, why not invite all your favorite fairies, gnomes, and ancient philosophers to join you for a very weird and wild dinner party!

LET THERE BE LIGHT

How many members of your zodiac sign are required to change a lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it should be done.

Cancer: Just one. But, it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs. They just get Virgo to do the job while they're out doing really important stuff.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000000000000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Hmmm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That is a deep dark secret shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes and its sister society, The Mysterious Order Of The Undecipherable Scroll.

Sagittarius: The sun in shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn: Read my lips, I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?

__________

Inserted Image: Courtesy of Roski Deluge on flickr.com

WHO THE HECK IS DAPHNE DRUTHERS?

According to the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Happy-Challenged Galaxy", Daphne Druthers, was born on a planet no one has ever heard of, "Think & Doodle".

Her parents were avid dot connectors and heffalump hunters, (which was a real asset on a planet ruled by pinheads).

It seems that her early years were almost entirely devoted to mastering the art of jumping to conclusions, skating on thin ice, plus pricking the odd trial balloon or two just for fun.

After learning all there was to know about dotting i's and crossing t's on "Think & Doodle", Daphne's parents thought it appropriate that she take a Star Trek sabbatical on planet earth and complete Dr. Bongo's Personality Enhancement Program at the "University of the Bleeding Obvious".

While attending this esteemed institution of advanced learning, she was struck by a big bolt of lightning one day whilst playing a game of tiddlywinks on the well-manicured front lawn of this ivory tower.

Having been zapped by Zeus, she quickly cottoned on to the fact that she should put this mind-boggling experience to good use by embarking on a career as a "cross-dressing comic". Regretfully, this adventure was rather short-lived as she stood in front of a mirror one day and realized that she didn't look good in tails and a top hat...that, and the fact that she couldn't remember her punch lines to save her neck.

Thankfully, she had another ace up her sleeve or perhaps it was a rabbit under her hat. On second thought, it's more likely that it was a darling little dickey-bird that whispered in her ear.

Anyway, to make a long story short, she decided to become a self-taught seer. After all, how difficult was it to play around with planets plus a few things like earth, air, fire, and water, not to mention the odd cardinal, fixed or mutuable qualities?

After reading all the hopeless horoscopes she could get her hands on, she realized all she needed was a pithy place to set up shop and some wonky wunderkins to sign up for her services. So, she set out for the headquarters of everything fun and flakey, Hollywood, California where she could hook up with the stars! And that they say was her meal ticket to success!

After establishing the "Astroblast Friends Network", many moons ago, she now hangs out her shingle as "Mirth Maven & Merry-Making Messagist". Through the auspices of the ethernet she now offers clients her witty words of advice on how to navigate the pitfalls of living on planet earth and how to find happiness by "filling in the blanks" (a popular pastime on "Think & Doodle").

BOFFO BOOKS FOR BEWILDERED BIRTHSIGNS

Born on a Rotten Day
Born on a Rotten Day

For know-it-alls and those who think they're perfect!

 
Astrologically Incorrect: Unlock the Secrets of the Signs to Get What You Want When You Want!
Astrologically Incorrect: Unlock the Secrets of the Signs to Get What You Want When You Want!

What do you mean you don't want to learn how to curry favor with your Boss (born a 'Bull') or your colleague consummated as a crab?*!

 
Love on a Rotten Day: An Astrological Survival Guide to Romance
Love on a Rotten Day: An Astrological Survival Guide to Romance

So smarty pants, what's Pisces' favorite pick up line?

 
Friends on a Rotten Day: The Astrology of Friendships
Friends on a Rotten Day: The Astrology of Friendships

Ever been the recipient of a sassy Scorpio stare or sting...well hold your horses...you're in for a surprise!

 
You Were Born Under a Funny Sign
You Were Born Under a Funny Sign

What do you mean there's nothing funny about a fish, a bull, or a lion?

 

FEEDBACK FROM ZODIAC ZINGERS - If Mercury's angle is pointing to a bummer of a day, Venus is crossing your path the wrong way, or Jupiter isn't in your "Money H

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    • allenwebstarme profile image

      allenwebstarme 5 years ago

      Excellent lens, fun reading.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Fantastic horoscopes! They are so funny! Nice lens!

    • Zodiacimmortal profile image

      Kim 5 years ago from Yonkers, NY

      I'm adding this to the featured lens on my WIP lens Scorpio (also has some zodiac info as well)

      P.S. I have the other 1/2 of the FULL grafic you posted for scorpio (with all the defining aspects.. that's just the negative ones)

    • profile image

      aquarian_insight 6 years ago

      Hilarious! Everything is energy...lol

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      u already no scorpions run all the way no dat

      from yo gurl Queen tricey

    • FanfrelucheHubs profile image

      Nathalie Roy 6 years ago from France (Canadian expat)

      LOL I am Taurus but this: "Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away." sounds much more like my husband....

    • FanfrelucheHubs profile image

      Nathalie Roy 6 years ago from France (Canadian expat)

      LOL I am Taurus but this: "Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away." sounds much more like my husband....

    • profile image

      WriterBuzz 7 years ago

      If you like coffee, check out my lens on Who Invented Coffee. I found your lens by accident, and it's really nice. I gave you a thumbs up. Look forward to more lenses from you. I also did one on Migraine Headaches that might interest you. If you surf on by, leave me a comment .

    • LoKackl profile image

      LoKackl 7 years ago

      Fantastic! Squidoo Angel Blessed+

    • profile image

      raincoats 8 years ago

      Your horoscopes are so funny! Favorited!

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      Thanks for visiting my albums and for using my little graphics on your lens,

      You were spot on about Cancers and grief therapy ..Somehow though we never seem to forget or get through it ....we just learn to manage it.and we never forget a wrong that has been done to us.... I like this little lens and will be back to read more ..I did get a giggle

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      niqueness 8 years ago

      I'm an Aries - YAY! - Love astrology - nice lens!

      - Niqueness

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      Prophetess621 9 years ago

      This is the first lens if yours that I have seen, but I am going to check out more!

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      gmarlett lm 9 years ago

      Another gem! Welcome to the Parody and Satire Group.

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      JasonE 9 years ago

      The moon was in the seventh house with this one, Quipping Queen. Thank you for creating another great lens! It was a pleasure to read.