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10 Easy Ways to Get Ejected From a Major League Baseball Game

Updated on April 25, 2015
A young Catfish Hunter when he pitched for the Oakland A's.
A young Catfish Hunter when he pitched for the Oakland A's.

MLB, I am sorry.

I should offer Major League Baseball my sincere apologies for not publishing a special "Season Kick-off" hub, and for this, I am truly sorry. Every American needs to know this vital information. I do not have a feasible reason for allowing "America's National Past time" get by me.

Sadly, I have never in my 61 years attended a professional baseball game. I used to watch this great sport when the game had "living legends": Roger Marris, Mickey Mantle, Willie Mays, Catfish Hunter and Pete Rose on the diamond and in those days, the game of baseball was just about baseball and not personal publicity, mega-monetary riches, and having a relationship with Madonna.

The hot dog is still the crowd favorite at Major League Baseball games.
The hot dog is still the crowd favorite at Major League Baseball games.

If it's boring, I am out of there.

If I had been afforded the financial-opportunity to see a professional game, mid-way through the nine innings, I would have become bored because that is one of the traits of a Sagittarius. Now if there is a lot of fast action on the field or in the stands (fights), I am the first one to glue his butt to the seat. But when the game slows to a crawl and the fans apparently doze off, I am ready to ride.

And if I were single, I would whip-out my "secret weapon" on how to meet hot girls without doing any work. There is a small amount of risk involved, but risk was involved when Edison invented the light bulb and Benjamin Franklin took a lightning strike and invented electricity. But my venture is for the most-part, sane and a bit hilarious.

Alex Cobb, Tampa Bay Rays.
Alex Cobb, Tampa Bay Rays.
Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Al Rosen,, 1951 Cleveland Indians.
Al Rosen,, 1951 Cleveland Indians.
Legendary Casey Stengal, Brooklyn Dodgers.
Legendary Casey Stengal, Brooklyn Dodgers.
Coco Crisp.
Coco Crisp.
Reggie Jackson.
Reggie Jackson.
Ryan Howard.
Ryan Howard.

My "secret weapon" is named

10 Easy Ways to Get Ejected From a Major League Baseball Game

1.) Lean forward and crush your peanut shells in the ear of a female fan. And continue to chew your peanuts in her ear until stadium security hauls your behind out of the crowd.

2.) When a girl in the row in front of you, stare at her with your eyes wide and not batting an eyelash. She will think you are dangerous and call for you to be ejected, but add to the fun when security is leading you out of the stadium, tell them you are a minister and you have eye problems.

3.) Make sure the fan you do this to is from the opposing team. Lean forward when "their" team goes down six runs and yell, "They should find another job, maybe picking oranges for a living." Yep. This will light the fuse and the angry man and woman will try to hit you, but you will be the one told to leave.

4.) About the first of the third inning, start talking randomly about any subject that is boring. Politics, the economy, speed dating, turtles, fishing, until the fans cannot take it any longer and call for the security staff to shut you up on the outside of the stadium.

5.) Stand up often and do the "Moonwalk" that will disturb the fans behind you and impair their vision of the game. Oh yeah. You will not be at this game for very long.

6.) With a straight face, start telling people around you, "Hey, I have some fresh hotdogs, ready to eat, inside my pants. Only one buck. Have you priced ballpark hotdogs lately? Some may take you up on your offer, but if you continue if no one buys a hotdog, they may get you ejected and I mean the hotdog vendors.

7.) Get out your wallet and start showing every fan around you a huge collection of your Eight grandkids with hundreds of photos. If the fan next to you gets up to leave to not be near you, follow him, even to the rest room and contiue showing him your grandkids' photos. Get ready to go home.

8.) Keep asking this hot chick and her boyfriend who are seated in front of you, "Hey, sweet thing. Care to dance with me here and now? I live on the edge." Ask the girl over and over and soon, men and women with orange vests that say, "Security Staff" and a couple of cops, will make sure you do not fall as you leave the stadium. But you insist on taking a breath test when accused of drinking. The security staff and cops are stunned. Some apologize. But the rest are glad you are gone.

9.) Try to convince fans around you that you are the late Harry Caray's grandson. Have some PhotoShopped photos you made with you and Caray embracing to prove it. Ask the fans if they want to "buy" your autograph. Then ask if they want to hear your impression of the legendary baseball announcer. Believe me, this gig will be short.

10.) Run down to the fence surrounding the field and do your best to climb over it and get onto the field. This one is Guaranteed to get you tossed quickly.

Now for the pay-off of getting ejected from the game: You find out at work that this hot girl who just started at your office loves to watch professional baseball every time it's on. So when you get her name and if she is going to watch the game on television Saturday, the game you are going to pull-off this exhibition of stupidity, get ready to say . . .

"Heyyy, Danielle, who works with me at McMillan, Jewel and Canterberry Law Firm at the Metro Plex . . .will you have dinner with me?"

If she doesn't call you as soon as you get home, at least you are now famous at your office for turning a boring three hours into a few minutes of real fun.

Guys, this could be you

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