16 Easy Ways for You to be The Most-Obnoxious Sports Fan EVER
Just look at the sports fans
A low turn-out for this sporting event
Hey, sports fans. Football season, 2014, for high school, college, and professional teams is now in full-swing. Isn’t this a grand time of the year—heading to the stadium on Friday nights, Saturday afternoons and Sunday to support your favorite teams? Yes, ladies, I was including what few of you “actually” like the sport of football.
“Back in the day,” my high school days, when I would go to our high school games with my buddies, I was always at home with the various aromas of hotdogs, hamburgers, hot cocoa, coffee, cigarettes, and cigars filling the air in our outdoor stadium. I tell you. The cigarette and cigar smoke was so thick during games you could have ridden the cloud of smoke and did a great impression of Ali Baba chasing the Forty Thieves on his magic carpet. I kid you not.
Then when sitting in the crowd, there were those aromas of sweet perfume the young ladies wore to match the manly-smell of the Aqua Velva’s and Brut shave lotions the guys wore. What a great time to be young in America—years 1970 – 1972.
And the gorgeous cheerleaders, blond, brunette and we even had a redhead to round-out the girls’ hair color scheme and then out pranced the graceful and gorgeous majorettes in their perfectly-fitting uniforms with those nice knee-high white vinyl boots. Wow. I used to think that Heaven would be made up of our cheerleaders and majorettes. Such was the sincere thoughts of a teenage guy.
Oh when our team would score a touchdown or stop the opposing team, what a roar of applause filled the crisp night air causing some to awaken on Saturday morning with a sore throat, but no one cared. We were there to support our team. There was also a good supply of fans who were outspoken and brazen who didn’t care to voice their resentment toward the referees when they made a bad call. I remember a few fist-fights breaking-out in and outside of our stadium. Ahhh, good times, as Stephen Colbert has said on his show, The Colbert Report on Comedy Central.
Remembering the past, I published a story a ways back where I gave people easy tips on “How to Be a Good Fan While Attending a Sporting Event," but not this time. Some people do not go for a fan to be a “Mr. Contentious,” or a “Miss Manners,” when sitting hear them while a game is underway. These fans I am speaking of had much rather be drawn to the obnoxious, loud-mouths who make any sporting event the more interesting.
So with that in mind, I reveal to you with much pleasure, my
16 Easy Ways for You to Be The Most-Obnoxious Sports Fan--Ever
Intoxicated Hot Blond Causes Stir at Crowded Sporting Event . . .
Sadly, getting oneself intoxicated is a common practice at college and professional football games. Although some stadium and vendor managers have stopped the sales of alcoholic drinks as early as the third quarter to allow the fans who are drunk to sober-up before driving home.Intoxicated Hot Blond Poses for Camera in Stands; Goalpost; Escorted Off Field
In the three-photo sequence above, the photos tell the story.
- Photo one: The pretty blond, already drunk, stands up and slaps her butt to protest a referee's call against her football team as if her suggestive-gesture would cause the ref to reverse his call.
- Photo two: Now the pretty blond, letting booze be her pilot, makes her way to the field and strikes a rather tempting pose near the goalposts to the delight of the male fans who are gazing at her.
- Photo three: Finally, and I assume with sadness, the stadium security guard finally steps-in and does his duty to escort the pretty blond out of the stadium to the disappointment of the male fans who were enjoying her "performance."
- Show-up at all sporting events with a surly-look on your face and glare at people as you find your seat.
- If your seat is a fold-down seat, slam it down quickly and then snarl at the crowd, “Grrr, you got a problem, mac?”
- If you are dressed in a heavy winter coat, stretch out your arms (as well as your feet) to have more room. Who cares if your needs come before the elderly couple sitting in front of you whose grandson is on the home team? You always have it your way with no questions asked.
- If you eat from the concession stand, do not forget to throw your empty soda cans or cups and paper that wrapped your hotdog underneath your seat. It’s someone else’s job to keep the stadium clean. Not yours.
- If you are enduring a head cold, sneeze or cough as loudly as you can. Do your impression of an old-fahioned fog horn. That will show the civil-minded fans who is the boss.
- Are you still hungry after “wolfing-down” two hotdogs, one burger, an order of nachos, a box of popcorn and two sodas? Do not worry, my obnoxious friend. Simply reach behind or in front of you and help yourself to the snacks being enjoyed by other fans. And so what if they object? You just growl and ask, “Do you want a piece of this?” while shaking your fist, and just continue to gorge-out on whatever snacks the other people are eating.
- If there is a lull in the action on the field, perfect. This is your opportunity to tell some vulgar jokes, the jokes that worldly men tell each other when women are not around.
- And if the lull is longer than usual, just remember the fun you had being obnoxious in your high school days and tell the chump next to you, “Watch this!” and hurl a soda can or cup (with ice) at some unsuspecting fan two rows below you who is minding his own business.
- Now is the time to get ready to curse-out the security guard who someone told about you to see if the guard can get you to head home. All it will take is your “innocent” look and a loud, “You ain’t got no proof, ‘rent-a-cop, so beat it” and you can continue to torment innocent fans until the game is over.
- Is that your briefs pinching your legs or buttocks? No problem. Stand up and fix your underwear even if you have to unzip your pants. So what if children are watching? Don’t they see their dad do this at home?
- After your underwear problem is solved, continue to stand. Besides you need a stretch more than the paying-fans behind you need to see this game.
- Uh, oh! Who’s that sitting on the same row as you? It’s your next-door neighbors, “Tom and Millie Harkins.” You do not like them because they are “poster children” for living lives of respect for others and themselves. Before you can hide behind a man sitting next to you, “Millie,” says, “Hey, there, ‘Dick,’! Where is your wife?” Before you can “act” decent, your obnoxious nature replies, “Grrrowl, she’s at home where she belongs—raising the kids and taking care of my needs!” “Millie’s” mouth flies open in disbelief, but you do not care. This is not your “first rodeo.”
- You see “Janet Bixby,” a newlywed-wife sitting next to hubby, “Bill.” You cannot help it. You bend and stretch over the row of people in front of you and nudge “Janet,” in the ribs. She sees you and smiles. She is a nice girl. That smile is not a smile of approval at your brute-like manners, but a sensitive, “I-undertand-men-like-you,” smiles. That smile is not enough. You say something cruel and obnoxious to her, “Janet, babe! Where’s that worm-of-a-husband you married?” She giggles and points at “Bill,” who is afraid to speak-up because you might beat him up. “You want to get a drink after this?” you say openly. “Janet,” blushes. “Bill” lowers his head in shame.
- Is your throat dry from all of the talking you have been doing to hinder others from enjoying the game? A good drink of whiskey would go down good now, huh? Good thing you remembered to bring your silver flask. Now whip-out that flash and have yourself a needed-belt—although there are signs all over the stadium that specifically state: “NO Alcoholic Drinks Allowed Inside Stadium.” You do not worry. Signs like this are not for you, a real man. These signs are only for wimps and men without a backbone.
- Look out! The referee missed a call on the opposing team. No sweat. You lunge upward and yell, “Hey, doofus! Yes, you with the glasses on! You missed that interference call, Dilbert!” Fans around you groan at your lack of social skills, but you only get that smart alec look on your face and put your arms in the air as if you were acknowledging applause from the angry crowd.
- Two teenage boys start scuffling to the side of you. Now is your time to show them how a “real” man handles himself. You break-up the scuffle and start teaching them a few dirty self-defense moves to the disapproval of their parents who you stare down when they start to come toward you.
- With halftime approaching, you sit down with the rest of the crowd. Suddenly, one of the pretty majorettes who is running off the field with her majorette girlfriends, stumbles and falls to the ground. This looks serious. But you are “the man,” for the job. You shoot from your seat and head toward the embarrassed majorette not as much to help her, but to flirt with her. Yes, flirt. And you 44 years of age. But before you can get to her, you stumble on an empty soda can and start tumbling down the concrete steps in the middle of your section and roll all the way to the ground.
- You hear the crowd roar with applause and stand in approval.
- You are not such a jerk. Thanks to you this was the most this crowd has applauded all night. Maybe all season.
NOTE: the man, ‘Dick,’ in this story was NOT me.