20 Things That a Southern Deer Hunter Will Never Say
WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?
It’s not really a southern thing. Nor is it a northern thing. It’s an all-over the United States thing, but mostly happens in the south: Deer hunting.
Do not get nervous or tense. I am not a deer hunter or hunter of anything, bargains included. When I was seven, my mom gave me an air rifle for Christmas. I was really over-joyed. I felt like I had grown to almost five foot tall. That was until I accidentally shot at this lone bird sitting on a limb of a tree in our front yard and it fell to the ground before my eyes that soon were full of tears. This was my first taking of an innocent life.
I remember taking the bird to show my mom and she held back the laughter for she saw that I was devastated at doing this act and since I was weeping like a baby, she did her best to console me. I handed her my air rifle and told her to keep it. I didn’t want to kill anything anymore.
"Hi, Lance. Let's have a stiff drink like men and plan our weekend deer hunt."
A scant five-years later, I was sitting on the porch of another house that we were renting and this time I had a pellet gun in my hand that my dad had bought me. I felt great. Gone was that crying wimp who shot a bird. It was time for the man in me to step into the arena of life.
That was until I spotted an innocent chipmunk going about its business toward the end of our yard and before you could say, “Déjà vu,” I had shot the rodent on the first shot. Now this time I didn’t cry, but instantly turned sick to my stomach. I hid my pellet gun in my room and didn’t use it for a very long time while the awful feelings inside my soul were at peace.
Could be, God was telling my young soul, “Kenny, when I want more deer and game in Heaven, I will send for them. You just remain a young boy.”
I RESPECT LIFE AND WILDLIFE
These two dark events in my young life coupled with God speaking to me about hunting, I can safely say, turned me off of killing game. Period. Even snakes were safe around me. If they didn’t bother me, I didn’t bother them. I was happier this way. But let’s me reasonable. If my family or friends were at starvation, sure I would whack a deer or maybe a rabbit to feed them. At that point, I would have to choose my family and friends over the game.
In my older years, I have quietly studied the hunters of my area: The south. And have arrived at one conclusion: These southern hunters, deer or otherwise, are tough guys who take their hunting so seriously that it would take a family emergency to prevent them from getting in the woods at daylight on opening day of deer season.
Another thing that I am sure of is I can tell you from a clear conscience that there are . . .
“20 Things That a Southern Deer Hunter Will Never Say”
Vintage ad for ammunition to hunt deer
Why do Men and (Sometimes Women) Hunt Deer?
Most folks don't realize what it's like out there in the deer woods. They don't know the pleasure we hunters derive from primitive camps in the boonies. From tree stands on icy mornings. From shivering uncontrollably with cold and adrenaline, yet feeling a flush of warmth inside while watching deer do their thing - in the wild - unaware of our presence.
Deer hunting, for some, is simply a mechanical exercise that hopefully results in venison in their freezer. That, of course, is part of what all deer hunters are out there for - but most of us find something more out there in the woods where we do our hunting.
Putting that into words is the challenging part. Is it about pitting ourselves against a quarry that is well-known for its elusiveness and incredibly acute senses? Is it about the camaraderie we feel when camping and hunting with good friends and well-loved family members? Is it about the elation of making a kill? Is it about watching a doe with her young offspring, knowing that we will not shoot but experiencing a rush just the same? Is it about all the other wildlife we see while hunting?
The answer is yes.
It is also about freezing on a stump or in a tree stand. Realizing that you left your ammo or release in the truck. Eating freeze-dried-whatever around a too-smoky campfire made with wet wood. Broken lanterns. Stuck vehicles. Flat tires. Forgetting your compass and walking a few miles in the wrong direction.
Dropping your rifle; breaking your scope. Missing a big buck. Finding another hunter already in "your" spot. Having a deer in your sights when your rifle fails to fire (dammit). Sweating under clothing that was not quite enough on stand, but is too much for a hike - or for dragging a deer.
Getting stranded up a tree when you drop the bottom half of your climbing stand. 'Coons in the groceries. Fearless bears that keep you looking over your shoulder. Slipping while crossing a creek on a log.
Sounds like a lot of negatives, doesn't it? I guess it would, to the unseasoned or uninitiated. But the positives of deer hunting outweigh the negatives, without a doubt.
Deer hunting is not for everyone - not by a long shot. But for those who try it and like it, it is the best medicine around. Time spent hunting deer is good for learning, introspection, meeting new people, returning to our ancient hunting roots... and yes, for stocking the freezer with venison for the coming year.
Deer hunting gives us new stories to tell, new memories to savor, new peace within ourselves. And I never feel closer to God than I do when I'm out in the woods hunting.
If that's not good for the soul, I don't know what is.
- Russ Chastain
This piece, from top to bottom is purely meant for comedy purposes. I do not intend to offend any men or women who enjoy a good early-morning deer hunt. It is NOT my place to point a finger at you or anyone.
And the part of my story about me not hunting and why . . .IS ALL TRUE.
So I hope you all will read this story in the clean spirit of comedy and share your laugh with your family members. Hey, you can even laugh at me.
I had rather you laugh than cry and be depressed.
- “Tom, does this orange vest make my butt look big?”
- “Get up at dawn? Have you went looney, dear? I ‘m going to stay here with you and do some scrapbooking.”
- “The sight of deer blood makes me feel sooooooo icky!”
- “Bill, you and I will have a problem if I have to spray that deer urine all over me.”
- “Can we not hit the woods around noon?”
- “Hey, instead of deer hunting today, let’s go check out the sale at the Pottery Barn downtown.”
- “Now I ain’t shooting that rifle—it’s just too dang loud.”
- “Jim, it’s cold out here. Would you hold me so I can get warm?”
- “Sure we five guys can all get into Larry’s truck. Tim, you can sit on my lap.”
- “I like to wear spandex while we are hunting. The spandex tones up my thighs.”
- “Coffee? Yukkk! No thanks. Have you any green tea in your thermos?”
- “Can I call deer? Are you serious? H-E-E-E-E-Y, D-E-E-E-E-R!”
- “Hey, you mean ol’ buck! Get any closer and I will yell for help!”
- “I see the buck, George. Just let me text my barber and get an appointment for later today.”
- “What do you mean, I can’t throw rocks at the deer instead of shooting at it?”
- “Shhhh, guys. Watch this. Booooo, Mr. Buck! Don’t run off! I was only teasing!”
- “Shoot! I thought that Clay Aiken was going with us today and show us how to knit camouflage socks.”
- “Let’s hurry and do this killing thing. My wife needs me to help her pot some pansies today.”
- “Hey, Mark! Can you get this mud off of my rump?”
- “Me? Drink beer with you guys? You must be stupid. I only drink half a beer and only with my wife.”