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All About Bud Selig

Updated on November 4, 2009

Bud Selig was born during a time when baseball was great, or...at least...still contained all the stuff about it that was cool. And he sat there in that fabled wooden shack (probably) all huddled in front of the radio with his forty-nine brothers and sisters, snuggled in the clothes that their arhritic one-armed mother knitted for them, sharing the one Dorito that they were fortunate enough to scoop out of the neighbor's gutter......he listened to the game and was inspired by the magic and freedom it offered. I suppose. All these yutzs have some kind of phony, exaggerated story they like to resort back to when they're asked something in a courtroom. It's the one time during Selig's day as baseball commissioner...that he uses his imagination.

Selig is the reason for the baseball strike.

Selig is the reason why, after the baseball strike, we now have eight teams in the post-season.

What a brain surgeon Selig must have been "ohhhh if we make more teams able to contend for a title, we'll have more money from extra games oooohhh."

Great Selig. All the money you're going to make from the ALDS and NLDS....to make up for the millions you lose by draining the drama out of the September pennant race. Now that the Yankees don't have to win their division to make the post-season, if they're 1 1/2 games out from Boston on September 18th, nobody will care! They're already in! Let's do something else today except go the Yankees game. There's other things we can watch on TV but the Yankees game. Selig thinks it's worth sacrificing the revenue of 30 games for 4 contenders each in order to have 20 new games maximum. If tickets to the NLDS are not 6 times more expensive, he'll lose money and he wonders why he is.

Maybe MLB's marketing has always been racist and lame because if there's any sport where old white men treat the memorabilia like a kid would, it's baseball. It's the two most hallowed and treasured possessions -- a Willie Mays card, and a LeBron James jersey. This is how much baseball means to so many of these purists that Bud Selig is screwing. He's fixing minor problems with competition by thoroughly poisioning the institutions. First with the division series he poisoned the playoffs. The beer is now filled with water.

So there's the playoffs he messed up. Next up...the records.

My grandfather would hit him if I still had one.

Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire. There go the regular season records. And now Barry Bonds. The home-run record has been tainted. Guys everyone knows have no business even playing.

Hey Barry -- do you take illegal performance enhancing steroids?

"Uh, you know...there was a Holocaust. There was 9/11. And we're wasting our time talking about steroids."

That's not a very smart answer, Barry.

"Uh guys, what do you know about all this?" Congress then asks the Dominician stars of the game one by one.

They all pretend they don't speak English.

Republican Congress, completely Borat-ized, moves on to Mark Mcguire who they're more positive speaks English.

Yeah alright -- they don't English, Congressmen. Roberto Alomar and Raphael Palmero and Magglio Ordonez don't know English. That would be like Detlef Schrempf not knowing English.

OF COURSE THEY KNOW ENGLISH!!!

So they stain the playoffs, the record books, the hitting, the bodies of the young who want to be like them, get out of my face, Major League Baseball. Atlanta's not in it anymore anyway.

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