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CMLL Puebla Preview: Put On a Happy Face!
I don’t know about you guys but the last day has been kind of depressing. Between Chavo Guerrero’s death and all the snow piling up in Rhode Island I’ve pretty much turned into one of those people post break up who needs ice cream or a large cheese pizza from Dominos. It’s about time we have some fun and some laughs again, and I say we start it with this CMLL Puebla preview. Now I know what you’re thinking; Cult, how can we possibly have fun with a preview of a show that’s more than likely going to be like the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theatrical film? First off, a bad card always leaves more room for mockery, which I guarantee will be the case tonight. Two, this card isn’t actually that bad either. The main event looks good (provided one or two things fall our way), the fourth match looks really good (provided one or two things fall our way) and Rush vs. Diamante Azul…okay that one’s less promising, but that just means more jokes at their expense for us. Trust me sports fans, we’re going to have a good time. Much like that dude from the Men’s Warehouse commercials, I guarantee it. So without any further gilding of the lily and with no more ado, let’s have some fun. Moses, get the meme and that music from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.
Centella Roja & Flyer vs. Ares & Guerrero Espacial
What to Expect: Did Flyer go out with the daughter of someone on CMLL’s booking team or something? First he continuously gets booked with lucha’s constipated uncle Arkángel de la Muerte and now here he is teaming with the lamest dinosaur in the park Centella Roja to go against Ares and Guerrero Espacial. There’s a legit chance that Ares is the second best wrestler in this match sports fans, which pretty much means Flyer is better off getting lost on the way to Puebla. I have no idea why CMLL treats him the way they do but gorramit it needs to stop. The kid has talent and with a little bit of confidence could be something. I guess we’ll have to wait till L.A. Park gets his promotion up and running before we see what Flyer can actually do. At least it’ll be great to see him win the L.A. Park Lightweight Championship on the Rush-Park undercard later this year while all of us and CMLL wonder how this all came to be.
Winners: When in doubt, go with the rudos. They take it in three falls when Ares pins Flyer, followed by me immediately discovering transportation, heading to Arena Puebla and wiping Ares off the face of the earth.
Asturiano & Black Tiger vs. Rey Apocalipsis & Toro Bill Jr.
What to Expect: One could easily be deceived into thinking this match has potential. Don’t be deceived. Sure Asturiano is great and he’s going to try hard here, but watching Black Tiger is like watching snow melt and Rey Apocalipsis and Toro Bill have recently been wrestling as fast as snow melts. Unless Asturiano is just going to spend the whole match doing aerial assaults on everyone in sight, this will probably be too long and too boring. The good news is you could probably catch a Buffy episode in between. I’d go with “Something Blue”, just so you can see a blind Giles react to a possessed Buffy and Spike planning their wedding. There’s gold, there’s liquid gold and then there’s that hunk of comedic gold right there.
Winners: There is doubt and there are rudos. I’ll go with the rudos again, with Toro Bill pinning Asturiano in fall three.
Lestat & Rey Samuray vs. Disturbio & Policeman
What to Expect: A match that may actually be pretty good. And that’s even with Policeman involved! I may not be the biggest fan of the man but he brings more to the table than, say, Ares and he’s surrounded by good talent here. Disturbio can go. Lestat and Rey Samuray have proven to be capable in the past when allowed. I’m not saying this match will change your life or anything but it’s got a shot at being pretty good or, at worst, watchable. And in a world where Diamante Azul vs. Pierroth, mask vs. mask, may soon be a thing I will take watchable every single time. Somewhere directors of mediocre rom coms are celebrating this news.
Winners: I’m tempted to go with the technicos here, but I can’t see Disturbio losing a match to Lestat or Rey Samuray, be it in Arena Puebla, Arena Mexico, Arena Naucalpan or Arena in the 711 Parking Lot (lovely place I hear). Thus the rudos go up 3-0 on the evening when Disturbio knees Lestat’s face off.
Random Ass Cibernetico
Fuego, Guerrero Maya Jr., Soberano Jr., Star Jr., Stigma vs. Okumura, Pólvora, Sagrado, Skándalo, Virus
What to Expect: Now this is promising.
Seriously sports fans; apart from Skándalo poking his nose in here this match has all the makings of being pretty good. For one it’s a cibernetico and those things are fun nine times out of ten, even if they’re in Arena Puebla (look no further than the Mini-Estrellas cibernetico from a few months ago that was, Lucas from Empire Records voice, superb). More importantly look at who else is in this match. Fuego is chill. Guerrero Maya is chill. Stigma is passable. Okumura is reliable. Sagrado has been white hot. Virus is a flat out legend. And oh yeah, Star Jr. Soberano Jr. and Pólvora are all legitimately awesome and there’s a better than 50% chance we’ll get at least one Pólvora-Soberano and Pólvora-Star Jr. sequence from this match. That’s cause for a parade and sixty seven bloody trombones if you ask me. I won’t go as far to say that this match will be great because there’s always a chance Skándalo gets used too much here and ruins everything. As long as he’s knocked out early though, this match could go places. Many places.
Winners: You know this is coming down to a semi-extended one on one sequence at the end between a technico and rudo, and my guess is it’ll be one of three combinations; Soberano vs. Pólvora, Guerrero Maya vs. Virus or (gulp) Stigma vs. Skándalo. Assuming CMLL hasn’t lost their minds we’ll be spared Stigma-Skándalo, meaning it’s either Maya-Virus or Soberano-Pólvora. In the end I’ll go with the latter, partially because Soberano and Pólvora are doing well right now and partially because I really want that to happen. In the end I’ll say Soberano pulls it out and moves on to…what’s the reward for this match again? Seriously; if this cibernetico was any more random it be a fourth season episode of Community.
Rush vs. Diamante Azul
What to Expect: Oh, as per usual, dear. Not only does CMLL wish to torture us with Pierroth-Diamante Azul but they’re apparently bringing back Rush-Diamante Azul, a rematch of a 2016 bout that was so bad I nearly threw my computer out the window after it was over. Will it be better this time around? I’m guessing no, although I still maintain there is a scenario where this match can be good. For the one millionth time, Diamante Azul isn’t a bad worker. He’s not a great worker and he’s far better off in trios action where he can just hit big spots, but with the right opponent there’s little doubt in my mind he can pull off a half decent match. The problem is whether or not Rush will want to be the guy who carries Diamante. He didn’t the first time (I’d argue that was the biggest reason the match failed) and I don’t think he’ll be willing to this time. The good news; it can’t get much worse than that first match. The bad news; it can still get pretty bad.
Winner: I guess the one thing this match has going for it is that I have no idea who is winning. Rush beating Diamante Azul seems pointless if they’re doing a Diamante-Pierroth match soon as you want to keep Diamante strong. That said, Rush is Rush and him losing to Diamante Azul would be strange at best and “ARE YOU GORRAM SERIOUS?!” at worst. Thus we’ll split the difference and say Diamante gets the win after Rush low blows and unmasks him in the third fall. I know, riveting stuff. Just remember that this Diamante-Los Ingobernables stuff will pass and Rush-Atlantis will be happening before you know it!
Dragón Lee, Mistico, Volador Jr. vs. Euforia, La Máscara, Negro Casas
What to Expect: I’ll sum this match up as such; if Negro Casas is involved then the match will be like this.
If Casas is out again and replaced by Mr. Niebla doing his best Heavy Metal impression then it’ll look like this.
Basically folks, hope to hell that Negro Casas has gotten over whatever was ailing him last week or that Dragón Lee is feeling really spry after his gonzo masterpiece with Kamaitachi this past Saturday. If one or both of those things happen then this match will challenge the cibernetico for Match of the Evening. If neither happens and Mr. Niebla shows up like Jack Sparrow on that Grodd forsaken spit of land then…well it’ll be time to boot up the next Buffy episode early!
Winners: All depends on if something is being set up here. I’m guessing no, so look for the technicos to win this match after a pair of Dragón Lee/Mistico dives and Volador hitting someone with the top rope Frankensteiner. The only question left to ask is how fast will Volador be out of the ring and out of the building. Gotta make that dinner reservation you know.
That’s a wrap sports fans. I’m off till tomorrow, where I’ll be previewing the Tuesday show and potentially writing another open letter to Paco Alonso about this Pierroth-Diamante Azul problem. Till we meet again, all hail the presence of the BUFF!