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CMLL Tuesday Preview: I'm So Bored With the Tuesday Show
It was around 11 this morning that I sat down to preview this CMLL Tuesday show. It is only now, at around 7 p.m. EST that I finally finish it. What took so long? Try the fact that this show looks so boring that I wouldn’t be surprised if the Deftones traveled from the future in the 90’s, came back and wrote the song “Bored” based off this show. Seriously sports fans, this has nothing going on. You’ve got a few matches that could be good if a few things break, but this is CMLL, this is the Tuesday show and this is where breaks go to die. Alas, I felt compelled to complete this bad boy so here it is instead of the open letter to Paco Alonso I planned. Tomorrow is another day right? Let’s get there faster. Moses, meme pretty please?
Shockercito & Último Dragóncito vs. Pequeño Nitro & Pequeño Olímpico
What to Expect: I look at this match and I can only reach one conclusion; it will go as far as Shockercito wants it to go. If Shockercito wants it to be good, then he’s going to do a million super cool arm drags and it’ll be good. If he wants it to be okay, he’ll only do a few arm drags and it’ll be okay. If he wants it to be the standard CMLL opener, then gorramit he’s going to mail it in and this will be the norm. All three scenarios are in play. And yes, Último, Nitro and less terrible Olímpico have a say here too but even they have to admit they’re not on Shockercito’s level. This match will go as far as he wants; those guys are just there to make the minor details look good.
Winners: I’m tweaking my “when in doubt, go with the rudos” rule here; when in doubt and it’s the Tuesday opener, go with the technicos. Its true folks look at history. Once you’re done you’ll realize Shockercito and Último are winning this match in three falls following Shockercito’s cool submission.
Magia Blanca, Marvel, Sangre Imperial vs. Grako, Raziel, Sangre Azteca
What to Expect: It’s time for your favorite TV show of the week; Grumpy Old Luchadors. It’s like Monday Night RAW, only two hours and thirty minutes shorter and with far more unintentional comedy, which is saying something considering RAW once produced this gem.
In any event, this week’s contestants to try and beat the old luchadors are Magia Blanca, Sangre Imperial and some dude named Marvel, who’s five matches he worked for CMLL last year apparently happened on shows I didn’t watch. As the Bouncing Souls would say, they’re hopeless. Even if Marvel is good (no idea), Sangre Imperial is improving (a little each week) and Magia Blanca is quietly really, really good, there’s little chance their getting anything out of a rudo team that features Raziel, Grako and a dude who last I heard needed a trip to an oral surgeon. You think the old luchadors are grumpy in these matches as is; wait till you see one who knows he’s got a trip to the dentist coming up! The best you can hope for is that Blanca gets off a few cool moves, Marvel shows us something, Raziel is motivated and this is kept really short so it doesn’t get too sad. Just another episode of Grumpy Old Luchadors.
Winners: One day a technico team will be a veteran rudo squad on a Tuesday show. One day Rob Viper will sit in front of his computer screen, mouth agape wondering what the hell just happened. One day CMLL will actually wake up and put someone under the age of 32 over in a second match. Alas it’s not this day. Raziel gives the rudos the win after he pins all three technicos. The sad thing is that he may actually pin all three of them at the same time. I never put anything past a rudo who loves to make young technicos miserable.
Soberano Jr., Star Jr., Stigma vs. Okumura, Skándalo, Virus
What to Expect: The upside of the young technico vs. veteran matches! And that’s even with the lumbering log known as Skándalo involved. Luckily he’s probably tied up with Stigma in their never ending battle of “who gets the last chocolate chip cookie mom baked”, leaving the ultra talented Soberano and Star Jr. to tangle with old reliable Okumura and super epically awesome Virus. Yes I went overboard there; the situation called for it. Provided Soberano and Star Jr. bring their hops and Virus decides to break out one of those high energy performances he’s capable of, this could be in the running for best match on the show. No, that is not a commentary on how “meh” the rest of the matches are…wait, yes it is.
Winners: The technicos should win, but a lot of things that should happen on Tuesday night don’t. The rudos win after an Okumura top rope cutter and Skándalo hitting that move he’s ripped off from Trent Barreta.
Pegasso vs. Disturbio
What to Expect: I can only assume this match exists because Tritón wanted a week off from putting on spectacular Lightning Matches. Damn you Tritón; now we’re stuck with this oddity here instead of you doing that beautiful 450 of yours. Seriously, this match is so weird I have no idea what to make of it. Both guys are capable of being good, but Disturbio really hasn’t impressed lately (not like he’s been given much of a chance to in fairness) and Pegasso comes and goes more than LeBron James in the fourth quarter circa 2011. The only thing I can predict with reasonable certainty is that this match won’t suck, and I’m not even that positive on that. Ultimately I’d bank on this match being really okay and really uninteresting, with a chance of being good if Pegasso has brought his A game that we generally only see in trios action. Again; dammit Tritón! Put him in here with Disturbio and this match is immediately 100% more interesting with a better chance of a good match. Instead we have this; we have Pegasso.
Winners: I don’t know what it is but I feel good about going with Pegasso on this one folks. He takes it around the 6 minute mark with a 450 that’s not nearly as good as Tritón’s. Dear Grodd do I miss Tritón. When can we have him back CMLL?
Ángel de Oro, Johnny Idol, Rey Cometa vs. Rey Bucanero, Terrible, Vangellys
What to Expect: Has some good pieces, has some luchadors you wish were replaced by other luchadors; your basic upper midcard/main event Tuesday trios match everyone! I won’t abandon all hope because Rey Cometa is always fun to watch and the 2% he and Terrible could start a brief program here is enough to keep me watching. But that’s really all the match has going for it. Vangellys has really fallen off recently, Rey Bucanero will be giving the same amount of effort I do in staying awake for a screening of Hugo, Ángel de Oro has reverted back to pre ROH Ángel de Oro (solid and unspectacular) and Johnny Idol as per usual will likely not be allowed to do much. All that adds up to an okay but not really interesting match. Hey, this match basically sums up this whole show!
Winners: Rudos win after Terrible pins Johnny Idol following an awesome Last Ride Powerbomb that will probably be the highlight of the match. Let’s hope to Grodd I’m wrong and CMLL has decided that Rey Cometa vs. Terrible is an odd, but good idea of a singles match and goes with for the next few Tuesday’s. I’m literally that desperate right now.
Marco Corleone, Máximo Sexy, Volador Jr. vs. Ephesto, Luciferno, Mephisto
What to Expect: Hey it’s Luciferno and Ephesto. Wait, that wasn’t enthusiastic enough; hey, it’s Luciferno and Ephesto! Was that enough to convince you I’m excited?
Yes Mephisto has brought back his “not nearly as good as him” cronies for the Tuesday show, which is pretty significant considering those three are still NWA World Trios Champions and they’re going up against a randomly thrown together trio that would serve as decent challengers. I wouldn’t entirely bank on that being the direction CMLL is going in but it’s a good guess to have. Whether they do or not, look for this match to be short, look for a lot of Marco and Máximo antics, one “I’m trying! See?! I did a dive!” dive from Volador and good Grodd could this show be less interesting? This is dull even by CMLL Tuesday standards; it’s AAA dull. And you never want to be AAA dull, mainly because not only does your show suck but all your friends then leave you to go hang out at Konnan’s brand new place afterwards. Shit, Dorian is going to trademark my column, my Twitter account and my Batman bobblehead for that joke isn’t he?
Winners: I’ll say the technicos win a quick match, followed by challenges, followed by acceptances, followed by me turning this show off and wondering why I didn’t just watch Buffy instead.
That’s a wrap folks. I’m off to do something better with my life before coming back to review the show in Arena Puebla. Till then, get the BUFF!