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CMLL Tuesday Preview: The Return of the Queen
And I…GLAD I DIDN’T KNOW! THE WAY IT ALL WOULD END…THE WAY IT OH MY GOD I’VE STARTED MY COLUMN BY SINGING GARTH BROOKS! Alright I did it on purpose; sometimes you just get the urge to sing “The Dance”, which is usually followed by one wanting to get away from life. You know, like Jon Jones after he was handed a one year suspension from UFC, bringing forth the greatest crying picture since the Cryin’ MJ.
Look at that beaut right there folks. So young, so sad; it’s like looking at a St. Louis Cardinals fan after the Cubs won the World Series. It’s also the face many a person will be making after this Tuesday’s CMLL show in Arena Mexico (look at how I tied that all in there!). The only issue is I’m just not sure what the context will be. Unlike last week’s Tuesday show, which gave us an electrifying Hechicero-Rey Bucanero match, this week’s show has no surefire thing. Basically it’s got an eyesore of a first two matches, a pretty good middle and an uncertain (but hopeful) ending. Oh, and also the return of the love of my life and the best luchadora alive today. So I guess there is one thing on the level of Hechicero-Bucanero from last week after all! Good Grodd I need to stop rambling. Let’s get on that now and start breaking down this bad boy. Moses; meme me in!
Bengala & Sangre Imperial vs. Apocalipsis & Artillero
What to Expect: In the words of that guy from the beginning of Tomorrow Never Dies, ABORT MISSILE! ABORT MISSILE! Do literally anything else but check out this match folks, unless you’re curious to see how mediocre CMLL’s Bengala is compared to LU’s or you’re an Artillero fan. There are strangely a lot of them. By the by, where has he been all these months? Did Paco imprison him at Blue Demon Jr.’s Miami villa too?
Winners: You know the lyrics; when in doubt, go with the rudos. Next!
Lluvia, Estrellita, Princesa Sugehit vs. La Comandante, La Seductora, Zeuxis
What to Expect: Forget the fact that Estrellita has come in to replace Marcela, a downgrade the likes of which no one has seen since Ice Cube replaced Vin Diesel in xXx 2. Forget about how this match features two luchadoras who couldn’t wrestle if their lives depended on it. Put both of those things aside; block them from your mind, whatever. None of it matters because THE QUEEN OF LUCHA LIBRE IS BACK JACK!
Praise Cthulhu! I do not know what has kept Zeuxis away from CMLL for so long (you know, other than a WWE tryout and CMLL being CMLL following said tryout); I just know the wait is finally over and the best luchadora alive today is back to kick ass and break hearts. And thank Grodd she is because I wouldn’t be watching this match otherwise. It won’t be the easiest to watch because the rudas (aside from the Queen) are that bad and the technicas (aside from Princesa Sugehit) are that inconsistent, but you’re guaranteed at least one cool Zeuxis-Sugehit spot and Zeuxis kneeing someone all the way to the center of the earth. Its worth your time folks, even if you’re making the “Steve Austin when Bret Hart comes out during the 1997 Royal Rumble” face
Winners: A reminder to those who have forgotten; I never, NEVER bet against the Queen. Zeuxis wins this for the rudas in three falls, hopefully by pinning all three technicas at the same time following a top rope splash or three straight running knee strikes to the corner.
Blue Panther Jr., Pegasso, The Panther vs. El Cuatrero, Forastero, Sansón
What to Expect: Dare I say this has the most potential to be Match of the Evening? I mean it’s got the Panthers, it’s got “The Man CMLL Restrictions Forgot” (Pegasso), it’s got LOS CIENTIFICOS and it’s happening right before a Guerrero Maya Jr. Lightning Match. Unless I’m misremembering, the last time the Panthers had a trios match right before a Maya Lightning Match (on a Tuesday show) it was the most underrated trios match of the year. Coincidence? Probably, but so the fuck what? This match should be really exciting, really well worked and will feature at least one cool Pegasso dive and a whole lot of crisp tag team action between Sansón and Cuatrero. This will be a good…lucha….thing…DAMMIT!!!
Winners: Seeing as the bad guys (and girls) are winning the first two matches, it only feels right I go with the technicos here. Junior, Panther and Pegasso take this in three falls after Junior submits Forastero with El Nudo Laguerno. Now that’s a name for a move huh? Sounds like the name of a nude beach where Junior goes to pick up all those housewives he thrills (note; turns out the name of the move means The Knot in English. No nude beaches were involved, much to my and Junior’s dismay).
Guerrero Maya Jr. vs. Virus
What to Expect: I’m torn on this one. On paper it looks like the win, the whole win and nothing but the win. But I thought that about the last Lightning Matches both guys had (Maya fought Hechicero, Virus fought Junior) and they both ended up merely being good. That’s not a bad thing; I’ll take good matches over bad matches any day of the week. But when you have one of the best mat wrestlers in the history of the western hemisphere and a dude capable of doing between the ropes senton dive to the floor involved, I’m expecting something that’s at least as good as the sandstorm scene from Mad Max: Fury Road. So what will we be getting? My hope is that it’s another near nine minute classic Lightning Match ala Hechicero-Soberano, but my guess is it’ll be a solid, unspectacular six minute contest. I hope I’m wrong and these two can easily prove me wrong, especially if Virus decides this is the time to remind us all just how spectacular he is. I just wouldn’t bank on it.
Winner: It should be Maya winning here, but the technicos never win these sort of matches for whatever reason. Thus look for Virus to win with a really cool submission move.
Blue Panther, Drone, Titán vs. Felino, Ripper, Niebla Roja
What to Expect: Didn’t take long for the Artist Formerly Known as Hombre Bala Jr. to move up in the world huh? After moving back and forth between the upper card and the lower card in his first two outings as Drone, he now finds himself here in a good looking semi-main alongside Blue Panther and Titán (returning after a few weeks off) as they go up against two good rudos and Ripper. The latter’s presence does worry me but beyond that I expect things to be fun. Blue Panther and Felino tangling should give us some great old school mat work, Titán will be exciting and Drone hopefully will continue to expand his game and maybe even include some spots from his past life as Bala. In short, I wouldn’t sleep on this match. Don’t make me regret that statement Ripper.
Winners: Technicos win in three falls, with Drone getting the pin on Ripper. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if this is the match where CMLL decides to set something up, potentially between Drone and Felino. That Felino does work very well with the young guys on the way up and Drone is on the way up. Just something to keep an eye on.
Dragón Lee, Mistico, Volador Jr. vs. Rey Bucanero, Vangellys, Terrible
What to Expect: This match was looking merely okay just yesterday; then Vangellys (who was originally supposed to be in the semi-main) was bumped up to replace Shocker and now this suddenly has promise. How much promise? Depends on what CMLL wants to do with these guys. If they’re setting up a feud (and I don’t see how they could as none of these guys seem like clear cut rivals) then expect this to end in two falls and for a whole lot of lucha crazies to start bitching like Sexy Star just wrestled. If there is no plan, then this could be nice and crazy with the technicos doing a whole lot of dives in between a whole lot of Terrible left hands. At worst it’ll have some fun moments. The only thing I can’t get past is how weird this match is. Unless there’s a plan to build up to a Sky Team-TGR Trios Championship match (and Dragón Lee is just in Valiente’s place for this week) then it just seems like a strange match to have. Then again CMLL does these types out bouts all the time and I don’t notice it at all. Maybe I’m losing it? Good Grodd, the Cubs victory did drive me insane, it just took a week to hit me!
Winners: Technicos win, certain female readers of this blog will be sad because Terrible lost and I’ll continue snacking on those Original Lays. What can I say; I splurged and got the big bag. Why get a small one for one show when you can get a mega sized one for multiple ones?!
That’ll do sports fans, that’ll do. I’ll be back later today to break down Mascarita Sagrada vs. Famous B, followed by me reviewing tonight’s CMLL show in Arena Puebla. Is it bad that I miss vacation already? I kid I kid! Till next time, DUCHOVNY bomb!