Easy Ways For You to Fail at Surfing
I say this with gusto due to the fact that Summer begins on June 21. Summer: everyone's favorite time of year besides Christmas and the Fourth of July. Summer: the kiddo's are out of school until August. It's time for being outside grilling, chilling, and relaxing in the beautiful sunshine.
You could not be happier. Winter for you was a myriad of depressing events such as: you slipped on your frozen sidewalk and almost broke a hip. You bought your girlfriend, who is very hot by the way, the wrong gift for Christmas. There were some little depressing non-events, but the falling on your frozen sidewalk and your girlfriend not speaking to you for two weeks made Wintertime so rough that you prayed every night for summer. Thing is. You are not a religious person.
Leave it to your girlfriend
Summer finally arrives and you couldn't be happier. Your sidewalk is now free of ice and your hot girlfriend is talking to you more and more. You are becoming more religious for God speeding up the arrival of summer.
But then your hot girlfriend who is so hot, she makes Jessica Alba hang her head in shame, has an idea that will send you back to a dark area of depression. One beautiful summer afternoon you and your girlfriend are riding along a highway that runs parallel to a popular beach.
Suddenly, your hot girlfriend says, "Huneee, I want you to learn how to surf. Pleeeaasseee?" in "that" sultry tone of voice that could persuade you to jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge.
"Whatttt? Learn how to surf?" you manage to answer.
"Oh, hun-eee, if you learn how to surf, I will wear that black two-piece scantily-made bikini that you like," your girlfriend replies while batting her naturally-long eyelashes.
What will you do?
You are in a terrible jam. In your heart you hate surfing. You do not own one record by the Beach Boys. You have never watched any of the films starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. Yes, you are a non-surfer who has some deep, serious thinking to do.
Then it hits you. An idea that will free you from the stress and agony of learning how to surf in a wet suit and love it. Your idea that by the way, I am proud of is . . .
Easy Ways For You to Fail at Surfing
This is for those who "do" know how to surf
- Show up for your first surfing lesson after drinking heavily since sun up. If you are lucky, you will pass out when you stand up on your surfboard and not remember anything about this nerve-racking activity
- Stuff a blow-up doll into your wet suit and then while paddling out to "catch a wave," be inflating it with your breath. Then put your arms around "her" so everyone on the beach can see you fall into the raging waves clutching "Cindy" in your shaking arms.
- As you are getting up on your surfboard, suddenly fall on your face and glue yourself to the board screaming, "I am not Tab Hunter!" The crowd will not only laugh at you, but talk about your fear for weeks.
- Buy a shabbily-built surboard that is sure to come apart when hit by a monster wave. Then you can tell your hot-but-disappointed girlfriend that you are not financially able to buy another board. You are home free.
- Try your best to stand on your head as your wave is carrying you toward the beach. Too bad that you are thrown off of your surfboard and sent about fifty-feet underneath the water. But hey, way to make an effort to "not" learn how to surf.
- Bring your guitar and sing, "Surfing Safari," (Beach Boys) as you fall like a sack of potatoes into the foam. Matter of fact, you may not be Beach Boy material, but you would make a great "Santono, The Surfing Clown," who does tricks and sings while surfing.
- Bring your pet chihuahua, "Pedro Rodriguez," along as a confidence-builder to be there for you to hold onto while your surfing instructor is yelling, "you look like you want to fail at surfing."
- Do your "Mr. T.," impression while struggling to stand up on your surfboard, but yell, "I pity the fool," as you see another surfer zoom by laughing at you flopping in the water like a scared Red Snapper.
- Yell, "watch this," as you are really making "some" progress, although little, at surfing. Then cover your eyes and act as if you have fainted and fall like a rock into the water.
- Tackle your surfing instructor like Mike Singletary, middle linebacker, 1985 Chicago Bears and you both hit the foam while you growl, "I should have went out for football."
- Wave your arms frantically while you are laying on your surfboard. This will make your surfing instructor awre of your sudden "stupidity attacks," and go easy on you by allowing "this" one time all you are going be taught about how to surf.
- Warning: Do not let your hot girlfriend or surfing instructor see that you have drilled lots of small holes in your surfboard. This will cause the water to surge through the holes sinking you and your surfboard to the amazement of your hot girlfriend and surfing instructor . . .
who have, without you knowing it, fallen in love and planning to run off together after they see you "sink like a rusty can" after "this" surfing lesson.
You are one lousy surfer, but at least you are free from a girlfriend who manipulated you to learn something you hated.