ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Easy Ways For You to Fail at Surfing

Updated on May 11, 2016
Source

Get ready

I say this with gusto due to the fact that Summer begins on June 21. Summer: everyone's favorite time of year besides Christmas and the Fourth of July. Summer: the kiddo's are out of school until August. It's time for being outside grilling, chilling, and relaxing in the beautiful sunshine.

You could not be happier. Winter for you was a myriad of depressing events such as: you slipped on your frozen sidewalk and almost broke a hip. You bought your girlfriend, who is very hot by the way, the wrong gift for Christmas. There were some little depressing non-events, but the falling on your frozen sidewalk and your girlfriend not speaking to you for two weeks made Wintertime so rough that you prayed every night for summer. Thing is. You are not a religious person.

"Man, I am such a fine surfer that  those girls on the beach are talking about me."
"Man, I am such a fine surfer that those girls on the beach are talking about me." | Source

Leave it to your girlfriend

Summer finally arrives and you couldn't be happier. Your sidewalk is now free of ice and your hot girlfriend is talking to you more and more. You are becoming more religious for God speeding up the arrival of summer.

But then your hot girlfriend who is so hot, she makes Jessica Alba hang her head in shame, has an idea that will send you back to a dark area of depression. One beautiful summer afternoon you and your girlfriend are riding along a highway that runs parallel to a popular beach.

Suddenly, your hot girlfriend says, "Huneee, I want you to learn how to surf. Pleeeaasseee?" in "that" sultry tone of voice that could persuade you to jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge.

"Whatttt? Learn how to surf?" you manage to answer.

"Oh, hun-eee, if you learn how to surf, I will wear that black two-piece scantily-made bikini that you like," your girlfriend replies while batting her naturally-long eyelashes.

Source

What will you do?

You are in a terrible jam. In your heart you hate surfing. You do not own one record by the Beach Boys. You have never watched any of the films starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. Yes, you are a non-surfer who has some deep, serious thinking to do.

Then it hits you. An idea that will free you from the stress and agony of learning how to surf in a wet suit and love it. Your idea that by the way, I am proud of is . . .

Easy Ways For You to Fail at Surfing

This is for those who "do" know how to surf

Ready to go
Ready to go | Source
Shooting the curl
Shooting the curl | Source
Hang ten
Hang ten | Source
Getting up on wave
Getting up on wave | Source
Falling from surfboard goes with learning this activity
Falling from surfboard goes with learning this activity | Source
The ocean always has the last word
The ocean always has the last word | Source
Perfect run
Perfect run | Source
  • Show up for your first surfing lesson after drinking heavily since sun up. If you are lucky, you will pass out when you stand up on your surfboard and not remember anything about this nerve-racking activity
  • Stuff a blow-up doll into your wet suit and then while paddling out to "catch a wave," be inflating it with your breath. Then put your arms around "her" so everyone on the beach can see you fall into the raging waves clutching "Cindy" in your shaking arms.
  • As you are getting up on your surfboard, suddenly fall on your face and glue yourself to the board screaming, "I am not Tab Hunter!" The crowd will not only laugh at you, but talk about your fear for weeks.
  • Buy a shabbily-built surboard that is sure to come apart when hit by a monster wave. Then you can tell your hot-but-disappointed girlfriend that you are not financially able to buy another board. You are home free.
  • Try your best to stand on your head as your wave is carrying you toward the beach. Too bad that you are thrown off of your surfboard and sent about fifty-feet underneath the water. But hey, way to make an effort to "not" learn how to surf.
  • Bring your guitar and sing, "Surfing Safari," (Beach Boys) as you fall like a sack of potatoes into the foam. Matter of fact, you may not be Beach Boy material, but you would make a great "Santono, The Surfing Clown," who does tricks and sings while surfing.
  • Bring your pet chihuahua, "Pedro Rodriguez," along as a confidence-builder to be there for you to hold onto while your surfing instructor is yelling, "you look like you want to fail at surfing."
  • Do your "Mr. T.," impression while struggling to stand up on your surfboard, but yell, "I pity the fool," as you see another surfer zoom by laughing at you flopping in the water like a scared Red Snapper.
  • Yell, "watch this," as you are really making "some" progress, although little, at surfing. Then cover your eyes and act as if you have fainted and fall like a rock into the water.
  • Tackle your surfing instructor like Mike Singletary, middle linebacker, 1985 Chicago Bears and you both hit the foam while you growl, "I should have went out for football."
  • Wave your arms frantically while you are laying on your surfboard. This will make your surfing instructor awre of your sudden "stupidity attacks," and go easy on you by allowing "this" one time all you are going be taught about how to surf.
  • Warning: Do not let your hot girlfriend or surfing instructor see that you have drilled lots of small holes in your surfboard. This will cause the water to surge through the holes sinking you and your surfboard to the amazement of your hot girlfriend and surfing instructor . . .
    who have, without you knowing it, fallen in love and planning to run off together after they see you "sink like a rusty can" after "this" surfing lesson.

You are one lousy surfer, but at least you are free from a girlfriend who manipulated you to learn something you hated.

Cow-a-bunga, dude.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      tirelesstraveler,

      I want to be clear in this: "Some" girlfriends. Not all. It is my fault. I should have clarified in my hub. Hindsight is 20/30, right?

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

      Write anytime.

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 

      2 years ago from California

      Bravo! Getting rid of girlfriends takes a lot some times. You made it look so easy.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)