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Failbag: The Final Dimension

Updated on November 24, 2015

It's time! It's time! It's Failbag time! That's right gang, the mailbag column where I and a few of my buddies totally don't make up questions for me to answer is back and...let's go with loonier than ever. I'd say better, but we'll gage the audience reaction afterwards before we say that, shall we? Let's not waste time; there are questions people need answering and beds that I need to sleep in. Or something less creepy. ON WITH THE SHOW!

It's nearly 4am, why can't you let me sleep?

-Mortensen, Australia

The same reason 'Plan won't let his book be available in Australia. Next!


-Scott, Michigan

Just when you think Scotty's gone for good, here he is again. To answer your first question Big Poppa, the meaning of life can only be found in an empty Pepsi bottle after you've completed a viewing of the director's cut of Kingdom of Heaven. I warn you; you're not going to enjoy the big reveal at the end, but the ride down is going to be killer! As to where all the freaks are at, the Temple. What can I say, chicks dig Aerostar (and occasionally Jack Evans, but we won't admit that out loud. Shit, I just did!).

Who would be a good opponent for Scott Steiner if he went to Lucha Underground?

-Oliver, Parts Unknown

So we went from a question by Scott Steiner to a question about Scott Steiner. Yup, it's definitely a Failbag. Let's be real here; is there a wrong answer to this question? If you put the Big Bad Booty Daddy against any member of the LU roster, you're guaranteed a) at least one amazingly bizarre promo from Steiner where he botches the name of his opponent (I'm on the floor right now laughing over how he'd pronounce King Cuerno KEN CORNILO and Prince Puma PREZ POPPAH. Come on, you know he'd do it too!) and b)...okay there is no b, but the first reason was good enough! If I have to give a definitive answer however, I'm going with Evans. The thought of Steiner being flustered by Jack's mic work and then getting even more flustered when he can catch Jack fills me to the brim with a feeling of goodness. You won't have seen something as blown up as Steiner since the tunnel scene in Daylight. Well, that is if you've seen Daylight. If you have, my condolences.

See at your own risk. Or if you enjoy Viggo Mortensen being crushed to death
See at your own risk. Or if you enjoy Viggo Mortensen being crushed to death

Why isn't it baseball season yet?

-Terry, Queens

Because for some bizarre reason, you decided to leave Matt Harvey in after giving up a walk in the Top of the Ninth, thus allowing the Royals to win the World Series. The better questions Mr. Collins are a) how do you still have a job and b) what kind of sorcery was propelling Daniel Murphy to go from middle of the road second baseman into Roy Hobbs? Bitter Cubs fans want to know dammit!

What 5 legitimately wonderful things have WWE done this year?

-Plan, the War Rig

LOL oh 'Plan, thinking he can catch me with a question because I a) no longer care for WWE and b) haven't really watched since the Royal Rumble fiasco. Little does he know that this isn't even remotely a challenge! Observe.

1) Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan. Not only the best thing I've seen from WWE all year, but also the best match; it might even be in my top three come the end of the year. Just a great effort from both men, with a different pace and feel than the normal WWE match (do yourself a favor and watch it on silent or with music. The match is 40% better without Michael Cole and the gang ruining everything).

2) The New Day. I haven't seen a ton of them (obviously), but what I have seen is uproariously entertaining and potentially star making for at least Big E. By the way, I'm not surprised by this at all; Big E is a great worker, Kofi is a great worker and while Xaiver Woods isn't on their level in regards to wrestling skill, he seems to be damn good at just about everything else. They're great. Also, CM Punk is a big fan. That's right, read it and weep!

3) Daniel Bryan's fake out retirement speech. I know he ultimately got hurt a few months later and WWE completely squandered this moment anyway, but this segment was bonkers. We all went from fearing the worst to jumping up and down with joy in the span of five minutes.

4) Seth Rollins vs. John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar. Great triple threat match, almost single handidly saved the Royal Rumble from being one of the most poorly booked shows of all time.

5) Not letting Roman Reigns walk out of Wrestlemania as WWE Champion. I didn't love his match with Brock Lesnar like most (it was basically the same thing as Cena-Brock at Summerslam; an above average squash, but not an above average match) and it's questionable how well he's been booked since, but this was definitely a good decision by WWE. Roman got an attempt to build sympathy, Brock didn't look weak, and Seth Rollins became Champion. Everyone won.

And that there is five good things WWE did this year. Bam! How you like them apples?!

Why did the great Samuel Plan not to release his book here? Does he hate Australia?

-Mortensen, Australia

...yes? I don't know, ask him. What am I, 'Plan's spokesperson? This is the sort of shit that leads to people waking you up at 4 in the morning!

Who cried better; Roman Reigns or Triple H?

-Pen, The Great White North

Ah, a challenge. Obviously, we know that the Reigns sob in question is the one from this past Sunday at Survivor Series, where he reacted to losing the WWE Championship the same way I did when Jason Hammel gave up that first inning home run to Lucas Dudas in Game 5 of the NLCS. But what Triple H sob am I referring to? Why none other than his "retirement" segment from the summer of 2012 after Brock Lesnar beat him in the first of three unspectacular matches. You have the situations, now let's check out the evidence.

As you can see, we've got two winners right here. On one hand, Reigns is actually selling the moment really well, probably because it's conceivable that WWE has just literally pulled the rug out from under him again and he was legitimately broken hearted. On the other hand, that picture of HHH is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life and might just be the most fake sad reaction since everyone pretended to be upset that the Boston Bruins missed the playoffs last year. Take both of those facts into consideration and in the end, I've got to go with HHH, mainly because Roman's pain may have been real and I'm not a sociopath (or am I?!). Plus, that HHH segment was proceeded by tribute video after tribute video and also included the legendary line "Thank you...FOR LETTING ME PLAY THE GAME!" Combine that with douche tears, and you can't beat that. Just can't.

Let’s be real here; original Karate Kid or the Karate Kid remake? Who ya got?!

-Skeegan, UCONN

I mean, we've got one movie that's an absolute classic and another starring Will Smith's Hunter S. Thompson esq son and Jackie Chan that actually made me vomit. In short, the original is tops. Come on Skeegan; I know your name is so bad it's like it was made up by some dude for a running gag, but even you have to know better than to question something being better than Miyagi and Daniel-san! That's like saying Speed Racer is better than The Matrix. Actually, no it's not, because that's a true statement. Yes, I enjoy the film Speed Racer more than The Matrix. Fire me! I'm already fired!

Will Paul Pierce drop twenty in a season?

-Ty G, Arizona

What are we talking here? Twenty points in a game? Twenty pounds over the course of the season? Twenty points over the course of the season? I need specifics here my good man! In any event, I'm going to say yes to all three. "The Truth" is too good to not score twenty once during a game, is WAY too good to not score twenty points over the course of 82 games (he probably has already done that honestly) and could actually stand to lose a little weight. Either way it doesn't matter; we all know the Clippers are choking like Papa Doc at the end of 8-Mile come the postseason. I say it's to the Suns this year in the first round, if only because the Warriors roasting them is more predictable than Marty the Moth being the double secret MVP of Lucha Underground season two.

Wait; so there's not going to be a tournament for the AAA Mega Championship? What the hell man?!

-Eric, Smithfield

Alright, I may have asked myself this question (I know, completely unheard of in this column!). While I was away, AAA evidently announced that they were doing a singles match between Rey Mysterio and Johnny Mundo to crown the next AAA Mega Champion. That would be fine...except for the fact they had previously announced there would be a multi-man tournament for the title, getting folks like myself all excited about the possibility that someone like Angelico, Aerostar, El Hijo del Fantasma or some other young guy could win the belt. How do I feel about this development? As the question kind of reveals, not that good. Look, I understand why AAA ultimately did this; Rey and Mundo were going to be in the tournament anyway, and as the two biggest names AAA has right now, it makes sense for them to use both in the top role while they get their house in order. That being said, AAA needed something exciting to come from crowning the next Mega Champ, and putting two of the most obvious choices together instead of a fresh option is the kind of decision people roast WWE over. Basically, I understand it, I'm just disappointed, in a "I just listened to Sam's Town, and man The Killers screwed up" sort of way. Dammit, had to make a Killers reference. We now go live to Brandon Flowers reacting to someone remembering him.

There's a Mr. Brightside joke in here somewhere
There's a Mr. Brightside joke in here somewhere

On a scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, Sami Callihan/Solomon Crowe leaving WWE rates where? We talking the greatest thing since the return of Surge or the worst thing since Orlando Bloom's decision to act?

-Mr. Snow, The Wall

Whoa whoa whoa; let the record show that only Uwe Boll movies and Inside the NBA without Ernie Johnson would be close to being as bad as Orlando Bloom's decision to become a serious actor. Otherwise, nothing comes close. NOTHING.

As for Callihan leaving (voluntarily may I add), I think it's best for both parties. Sometimes, you're going to get a situation where certain talent and a promotion just don't mix. I think this is the situation here; on the indies, Callihan (at least from what I've seen) was a dynamic, unique talent with an even more unique look and presence that helped him become one of the most beloved guys on the indie circuit a few years ago. While with NXT, it just seemed like he and WWE never figured out how to translate it to making him work the way the Zayn's, Balor's and numerous others have. There's nothing wrong with that at all, and I think it's better for Callihan to go enjoy his prime on the indies instead of going nowhere in NXT, while WWE can now move on and focus on guys who can adapt to what they want. It's a win win, especially since Callihan can always return. For now, here's hoping he comes to Lucha Underground! Like El Jefe said, the door is open for all. Come join us Sami; you'll get to hack and everything!

How will Sheamus' reputation as champion rank in the annals of history? Above or before The Miz?

-Pen, The Great White North

If you're asking which reign will be more memorable, Sheamus' will be, by far. Of course, that'll likely be because his reign helped lead to the lowest RAW ratings since the time of Ahmed Johnson, so perhaps that means his rep as champ will rate lower than the Miz. In the end, I'll say below. I'll probably tick off a few WWE fans here, but from an outsider's perspective, the best way for me to sum up Sheamus' title reign (and his subsequent feud with Roman Reigns) is to use a Jeff Winger quote describing Paul Rudd; "I see the appeal and I'd never take it away from anyone, but I also wouldn't stand in line for it." Unless Sheamus suddenly reverses the bad fortune he's had ever since WWE had him foolishly beat Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds (seriously, he's never truly recovered from it) or Reigns suddenly takes the leap, I don't see anyone begging to stand in line for this match outside of hardcore WWE fans. Which hey, means we'll all get to see more heated exchanges by cynical critics and WWE apologists over the next few weeks, with the term "hive mind" thrown around a lot. Someone save my seat while I go grab a Pepsi and a bag of Bunch-A-Crunch.

You're the Lucha Underground expert; what do you see the eventual LU movie being about? Will it be a wacky outer space sci-fi flick? A revenge/kung fu film? A remake of Dragonheart with Drago in the Sean Connery role, El Jefe as the Evil King, Vinny Massaro as Dennis Quaid and Ivelisse as medieval Dizzy Flores? Or maybe a supernatural thriller where one of the LU cast finds their way to a room with red curtains and weird speaking dwarf?

-The Man From Another Place, Another Place

I see what you did there! Actually, being a film major and wannabe screenwriter (on top of the hardcore LU fandom), I've come up with I think was a pretty good idea for an LU flick. The plot would be as follows; after losing the Trios Championships to the Skeletor Army at Ultima Lucha, El Jefe would fire Ivelisse, Angelico and Son of Havoc from LU (which would fit, seeing as Dario hated the group). Without the Temple or the titles to solidify them, the trio would go their separate ways, with Havoc returning the open road, Angelico to Mexico and Ivelisse to...someplace where she can rule over simpletons because like Sasha Banks, the Baddest Bitch around is a boss. After learning of an underground trios tournament put together by Cueto, where the winners would get a contract with LU, the trio would reunite to try and get their jobs back, taking on some of the most talented and vile trios teams in the world. Oh, and the leader of the villanous trios team would be this man.

What? El Jefe promised him a LU Title shot if he prevented the heroes from getting their contracts back. Don't ever say I didn't think this out!
What? El Jefe promised him a LU Title shot if he prevented the heroes from getting their contracts back. Don't ever say I didn't think this out!

Now, that obviously can't happen now seeing as El Jefe is somewhere on the run with Black Lotus and Matanza (not to mention that I came up with that idea months ago and never tried to pitch it), but still; isn't that a pretty good idea? You wouldn't be interested in three of the most popular LU characters trying to win back their jobs while going through a Mortal Kombat esq tournament with a little bit of LU magic thrown in? Regardless of what LU does with the eventual movie, I think something along those lines would really work. Either way, I'll be first in line to see it, which is something I only say about films directed by Quentin Tarantino, George Miller, James Cameron or anyone who's done a DC movie. That's right Marvel; I'm team DC. Come find me when your movies are more like your TV shows and less like those branded, emotionless snoozes you call films.

Oh you didn't know...

-R. Dogg, Stamford

Why yes, yes I did know you're stuck up someone's butthole. That's what you get for mocking Vinnie! Anything else you'd like to say to me lackey of Mr. Ass?!

Well, this isn't an awkward way to end this column. Nope not at all. Freddie, play me off!

Like this article? Like Lucha Libre? Like me?! Head on over to the cool dudes at Masked Republic, enter in the code LTERIC and get some gear! Good things will happen for everyone if you do so (like 10% off your purchase!). Also, you can now get Rey Mysterio stuff! How chill is that?!

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      2 years ago

      After reading Pogue's novelization of DragonHeart, I can't help but feel the movie should be remade in order to be more faithful to the book. For info on my #RemakeDragonHeart petition, check out this link:


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