10 Advantages of being a Golf Widow
The Golf Widow
So the man in your life has taken up the dreaded game of golf. To most women this spells widowhood - lonesome weekends pining after your lover, while he attempts to smack a tiny ball over great distances, eventually coercing it into a small hole. To make it even worse, you are subjected to a detailed hole-by-hole dissection of his game when he returns. Any free time will be spent at the driving range practicing his swing, or chipping great chunks of turf out of your carefully manicured lawn as he tries to improve his short game. Moreover, the TV is usurped for endless hours whenever there is a tournament on, and shopping trips now require an obligatory stop at the pro-shop, just to see if they have the latest titanium driver in stock. But suffer the poor souls who are beguiled into being his caddy for the day, god-forbid!
Many a woman has lost her man to this seemingly innocuous sport, but it doesn't have to be the death knell of your relationship. When life gives you lemons, bring on the tequila! Here are ten advantages of being a golf widow:
1, A lifetime of simple gift ideas
Books, bags, balls, any number of golf novelties, and a plethora of golfing paraphernalia will make gift buying a cinch. Open an account at the pro-shop, or simply purchase online.
2. Golfing guilt
Play on it. Make him feel guilty about all the time he spends at the club instead of with you and insist on punitive damages after each game. Dinner at the restaurant of your choice should suffice, but ban any talk that even hints at how he played that day.
3. Girl's day out
Suddenly you are presented with hours of leisure time on the weekends. Shopping, lunch, tea, movies, sushi, sun tanning, reading, snoozing or anything else that tickles your fancy. If he insists on serenading you with how his game went, give him a shop-by-shop account of your day.
4. Take up the game
Although Winston Churchill described the game as the best way to ruin a good walk, golf can be entertaining and great exercise. Included is quality time with your mate, and even better is infuriating him with lost balls and taking your time to enjoy the scenery. You may even beat him.
5. Stunning holidays
Most golf resorts are top-notch and uber-luxurious, including health spas. Find one that you drool over and then say, "Look honey, they have a Jack Nicklaus designed golf course on the property". Chances are he'll be whipping out the fantastic plastic before you can say Reiki.
6. Practice your extreme driving skills
Some golf widows are unfortunate enough to be forced into joining him for the day. Common incentives include: "But babe, it's great exercise", or "You'll enjoy the fresh air and countryside" or "You can learn something about the game". Don't fall for it. If, however, you have no choice, insist on hiring a golf cart. Get behind the wheel and make like a rally driver. Your white-knuckled approach will ensure that you never get invited to tag along again.
7. Capital gains
Being a golf widow you will often find that you benefit from ancillary golfing possessions - the second or third TV in the bedroom and spare room so you can watch the soaps while Tiger is teeing up for yet another tournament; guaranteed cable for the sports channels; a luxurious car with a bigger trunk to hold his clubs; and the holy grail of a second home on an exclusive golfing estate.
8. Right back at ya
Next time he scoffs incredulously at the price tag of your new Manolo Blahnik boots, you can casually mention that the cost of his new set of clubs could equal the GDP of a small third world nation. Golf is an expensive game, so use the opportunity to score on shopping sprees.
Many golf courses have adjoining health spas. No doubt a service offered out of sympathy for the battalions of golf widows. Seize the opportunity. Bone up on the golf courses and resorts that offer these services and entice your man into playing there or, even better, joining the club. Your weekly facial and beauty treatments are now in the bag, so to speak.
10. It could be worse
Imagine he suddenly took a shine to drag racing! Weekends spent at the raceway, surrounded by exhaust fumes and mullet hairstyles, are utter hell in comparison to being a golf widow.