How to Watch an Eagles Game Without Angina
How Not to Watch an Eagles Game
If you have serious heart issues, please don't watch an Eagles game at the stadium for several good reasons:
- It may rain, snow or sleet at the Eagles game and you can get sick and possibly develop chest pain, if not have a heart attack when the Eagles disappoint.
- Eagles games are anxiety-producing and anxiety is not good for your heart.
- If the Eagles are losing, you can't just turn the TV off, but you have to walk down a long flight of stairs to the exit of the stadium, then try to find your car, only to discover a traffic jam in the parking lot and it will take you a good 45-minutes to get out. And by then, it feels like your chest is getting tighter.
- If the Eagles are losing, you might be mistaken for a fan of the opposing team by a drunken Eagles fan and get punched in the jaw.
- If the Eagles are winning, a drunken fan might kiss you on the mouth, mistaking you for an Eagles cheerleader.
Kinda Watch the Eagles Game at Home
It would actually be better not to watch the Eagles game at all. It would be healthier to go to a movie or go fishing off the rocks or, better yet, go paddle boarding with your lover. Sunday is always a good time to get away from the TV set. But if you are like me, extremely obsessed with professional football--you will stay home and suffer. But beware, football can be dangerous to your health. You get too wrapped up in it. You take it way too personally. Your fingers get cold and your heart beats faster. You start to perspire around your temples. You get sucked into it and lose control. If the Eagles don't win, your life will never be the same. You feel an intense humiliation and the world looks dark and gloomy. You life is over, at least for another week.
So if you plan on watching the Eagles on TV, kinda watch them, that is, in a way that won't get you too upset--and have a good escape plan when the game goes awry.
Fly, Eagles, Fly
Fly, Eagles fly on the road to victory,
Fight Eagles fight, score a touchdown one-two-three.
Hit 'em low, Hit 'em high, And watch our Eagles fly.
Fly, Eagles fly, on the road to victory!
Have a Female Present
Before the game starts, get you game face on. Don't get too high or too low. Don't expect a victory and don't expect a defeat. Tell yourself, "I will accept whatever happens this afternoon. It will be all right, no matter what the outcome is." Then pour yourself a nice tall glass of wine or some homemade Sangria.
Before the game actually starts you can sing the Eagles fight song--"Fly, Eagles, Fly". I'm sure you know it by heart; if not, the lyrics are in the box to the right. Make sure you don't sing it during the game, especially if you are superstitious like me, since that might jinx the Eagles.
Have an iPad ready and access the TV listings should you need to change channels in a hurry and want something that could adequately distract you like "Say Yes to the Dress" or a movie like "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure."
Have your girlfriend by your side. If you don't have a girlfriend, your friend's girlfriend would do. Please don't watch the Eagles game without a female present. They have a knack for calming you down, helping you to lower your blood pressure and consequently avoiding any angina attacks. Make sure the female present is certified in CPR and First Aid. Check her CPR card to see if her certification is up to date.
If you already have angina, please don't watch any Eagles games or any highlights of any Eagles game or anything having to do with an Eagles game unless you want to die. But if your doctor says it's Ok, please have the following medications handy in case of an emergency--Aspirin, beta blockers, nitrates, clot-preventing drugs, calcium channel blockers and statins. But if I were you, I would watch a Disney movie instead.
My choice would be "The Jungle Book."
Symptoms of Watching an Eagles Football Game
Shortness of breath from screaming profanity
Chest pain from wearing a tight retro Eagles jersey
Nausea from eating too many nachos
Dizzyness from the teams going up and down the field
Pain also in the jaw and shoulders from being randomly punched
Sweating from drinking too much beer
Fatigue from booing
Burning from the hot sauce you put on your wet burrito
Pain persists for at least three quarters
What do you like best about professional football?
The Escape Plan
If the Eagles are comfortably ahead by 14 or 21 points and the defense is playing well, then by all means continue to watch the game. But if the score changes and the Eagles are looking shaky, have an escape plan:
The Eagles Escape Plan:
- The remote is close by or in your girlfriend's hand.
- If you start to get too upset or start to feel pain in your chest, signal your girlfriend to change the channel ASAP.
- If the channel is changed, periodically check the scores on NFL.Com to see how the Eagles are doing, then quickly turn it off and go back to normal television viewing.
- Have some pleasant and nurturing snacks on the table to graze. Don't have anything that you can choke on like chicken wings. Homemade animal cookies may work.
- Talk about positive things in life other than the Philadelphia Eagles like where the Kardashians are going on their summer vacation.
- Periodically kiss your girlfriend or crack some jokes to break the football tension.
- If the Eagles are way behind, you and your girlfriend need to take a walk, perhaps to get a wet burrito or a quesadilla. Or if they are really behind, go to the candy store and get some chocolate truffles.
- Return home when the game is over and act like nothing happened and that their loss has not really affected you. You might actually believe it.
If the Eagles Win
If the Eagles win start flapping your arms like wings and sing "Fly, Eagles, Fly." Sing it loud and sing it proud. Make sure the windows are open so everyone in your apartment complex hears you, especially that grimy Dallas Cowboy fan in apartment C. Go to your TV and turn ESPN on to watch the highlights of the game. Savor the victory. In your mind, think about who the three stars of the game are. In your mind, analyze how the team did defensively, offensively, and on special teams. Go to bed later and dream of the Eagles victory so you go to sleep with a big, wide grin on your face. Make sure you wear your Eagles pajamas to bed and have your Eagles alarm clock set for 6 am the next morning. Remember, you have to go to work.
What's your experience with your football team? Are you able to endure a game or do you have to do strange things in order to deal with the ups and downs of following a professional football team? Your comments are welcome.