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How to make a soccer superstar fall for you
This one is for the girls. I love my soccer, but watching it with certain members of the opposite sex can be a drag. While you’re appreciating the beauty of Messi’s through ball, they’re watching legs, thighs and posteriors.
If you’re one of those girls who get that kinda kick from watching these soccer men, I have some good news. These guys, especially studs like Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba and Francesco Totti, can fall you easily, but you have to have the willingness and ability to execute the plan. Read this carefully and make notes if necessary.
Get on the damn field
Instead of fawning over their posteriors on some old couch somewhere, you need to get your posterior the field with them. Oh, girls cannot usually share the pitch with fellas in organized game. Well, you can invite them to a pub match after the pick up at the club then. Staying off the football field significantly reduces their chances of falling for you. Look at it as a necessary sacrifice.
Be a defender
Research by the Department of International Foul Simulators shows that soccer superstars fall for defenders most. However, if you are a defensive midfielder, there is still hope. Leading researcher Dr. Ben Dover suggested that the reasons are not only that defenders smell better, but that the rewards for flopping deep in the opponent's half are far better.
Once these guys can hear you breathe, they know that you're close. The important thing is to breathe deeply and audibly. If you can manage anything near to a snort, they'd not just fall; they'd fly to the ground.
Try to get the ball
Sometimes, defenders want to take out the man and/or the ball. To get these soccer superstars to fall for you, you need to change that mindset. Going at them hard would result in an actual foul and a less-spectacular fall, which is not what you want. You want them to really hit the deck hard, so it is imperative that you avoid touching them. Just focus on playing the ball and you'll get that fall.
Going to ground first reduces the likelihood of these superstars falling, since it gives them more incentive to stay on their feet. If you fall, they stay up; if you stay up they fall. It's almost like a law of Physics really.
Use your hands
In soccer, use of hands is outlawed, but to get your man you should be willing to break some rules. If the divers only feel your hand brush them anywhere, they'd clutch their face in agony and go down in sheer pain. I mean, isn’t this the sensitivity that some women crave? Better yet, the fallen are not just physically sensitive, but their heart would be broken after that attempted assassination with a flailing arm.
Once they’re down on the ground, make sure they stay there. Crushing the family jewels with your cleats is an ideal way to do this. They’ll really need treatment and the ref will give you a chance to shower early. That way, you’ll smell well when you meet your player afterwards.
Don't worry that you're a girl, they'll still fall anyway
A fall is a terrible thing to waste. It really does not matter whether the opponent is a girl, a toddler or even a chimpanzee. The reward may still be a free kick or penalty. Shame is not a factor here; the team comes first.
Alright, now that you got the tips, you’d have these guys falling at your feet and groveling on the ground for you. But remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Don’t abuse this knowledge to become a playette.