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If I Had Drew and Tony’s Scratch, I’d Be Happy as a Clam

Updated on January 13, 2020
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has a taste for abstract/prose poetry as well as the comical side of life. 23-years of writing for a newspaper has served him well.

New Orleans Saints Quarterback, Drew Brees


Who’s Counting Money

but did you know that New Orleans Saints’ quarterback is well-worth $100 million as of 2019. No joke or tongue-in-cheek. $100-million, but wait! Hold on! A report that got out last week identified Brees being touted by his Saints’ ownership to sign him for the largest sportscasting career . . .EVER. The document, if Brees agrees, will receive the sum of a five-year, $100-million dollars. Do not choke. We are dealing with real world and real bucks. But it’s much cooler if I refer to money as scratch. I do this in honor of my favorite sports, political, and government writer all rolled int one. And I had much-rather keep his identify a secret.

But think of it. 100-million dollars. Say it again s-l-o-w-l-y, One-Hundred Million Dollars-- to go with his already more-than-hefty bank account of (more than) $100-million. Now I do not know about where you live, but me? This is serious scratch. And no one should argue with me.

Putting all of his contracts together over the years, Spotrac says that Tony Romo made over $127 million in the 14 seasons he wore the Dallas Cowboys uniform. Yet before his stardom, he was not a particularly highly regarded prospect coming out of Eastern Illinois University - despite some fantastic college stats. In the 2003 NFL Draft he was not picked, but he impressed a number of Cowboys coaches—which in itself was a milestone moment.

Everyone Knows What The Bible States

about the love of money which is the root of all evil(s), says The Bible, KJV, and so it is. But there is a big difference in “loving” it than “enjoying” it, or doing something with more bite, but never being arrested for being secretly-humble.

I offer my opinion about the ‘love” of money right now: to me, it is not the money itself, but the foolish and greed that follows loving money. Let’s assume for a fleeting moment that this guy working on some assembly line in an auto factory and has been at this job for 13 years and even with his hefty-paycheck, he still has to take on another job to make ends meet.

Then one glorious day, he won the state lottery giving him the excess of $344-million bucks, either in a lump sum or in a few years monthly statements. Does it really matter which he chooses? I do not think so! But soon, this man who was just like most of us working his butt off to send his kids to school and his wife cannot work due to a physical ailment, looks over his massive bank account and then like a flash, it hits him: I love having this dough, but I would love it more if I had more. So he gets a sharp investment banker who invests a few million for him and in a flash, he has a windfall of $50-million for his 10-million investment. Nice, huh? I think it is.

But The Day Comes When

this once-hard-working man who is now filthy rich (there is rich and filthy rich) can take things easier than he did years ago. Now he goes on vacations, three to be exact, each a month long, with his wife and children on “their” 70-foot yacht with the name, “Lucky Dude,” and this family has one great time. Then when they arrive at one of their lavish mansions (in a secret location to thwart people who try to get their money with clever acts), the rich guy says, “Babe, I am going down to one of our four banks to check on our tenth savings account. See you soon. You and the kids be ready and we will go to our private restaurant.” And walks out the door. Now I ask you. Isn’t this a great life?

But just when one of the very friendly bank employees runs-up to ask if they can help him, he gets “a” certain feeling and asks the employee to take him to the vault just so he can look at all of the cash that he has stored there for his protection. The employee obliges gladly because he is this bank’s largest depositor and what else could she do? Upon looking inside the huge vault, “a” feeling comes over him and he suddenly begins to grumble to this bank employee who is now in shock because he has never grumbled about being the man with THE largest amount of money in the bank and she is in tears. I would tell you the size of his cash amount, but you would faint.

This guy has “went off the deep end,” and begins to take-up a collection from all of the bank employees from the bank president, all of the bank officers, and employees all the way to the two bank guards—he gathers about $12,000.00 and tells the bank employee that he wants to deposit this cash now and no one is to spend it or else. And skulks away.

The opposite about “loving”money is “enjoying” money. The same guy upon being blessed so much that he gets on his face before God to ask what shall he do with the suddenly-blessed riches and God answers for him to give as much as he thinks is right. So with that, he fills his pockets up with cash in big bills and visits the local mission, hospitals, Cancer and Heart Fund Offices, Children’s Home outlets and the Veterans of all of the U.S.A.s war and gives and gives until he stops with a total of $500.00 and upon his walk home, a modest home, he sees a poor, homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk and our guy wakes him up and not to be nosy, he asks when he ate last or slept in a bed. The poor guy is honest and our good guy hands him the $500-dollars to have to spend on food and a bed for the night. As the good man walks away, the homeless man faints with shock.

Wouldn’t you agree that there are very distinct differences between the greedy man and the man who loves to enjoy his money by giving? I will let you think about this one.

Now to Talk About

Drew Brees and Tony Romo and the huge amounts of scratch that they have accumulated. Before I get to the place where I tell you about what I would do if I had as much scratch as Brees and Romo had in my one bank, I would be happy as a clam and tell you what I might do with my wealth.

Firstly, I would visit both Brees and Romo for some deep sea fishing, on one of their massive fishing boats of course, and tell them just how much I appreciate them “donating” their riches to me and then have a bite of jumbo shrimp, raw oysters, and I would drink some Seven-Up because I like this drink. Sure I would leave the boat employees (who work for Brees a good tip) a good tip of $50-bucks and watch them smile. I love to just tip service employees for good service.

After a Long Day of Deep Sea Fishing

I would ask Romo if he would take me to the men’s ware store and show me the suits that he wears on TV as sportscaster on CBS. Sure, he agrees. Upon walking into this big, lavish store, Romo is met with gladness and courtesy by the store owner and all 33 employees. I am severely-impressed. Romo begins to explain why he wears certain suits and before I know it, I am wearing a suit that runs $1300-dollars and I have to decline the purchase and look at the floor with sadness. But then I am happy as a clam when Romo offers to pick-up the tab for me and I yell thanks to the entire store’s P.A. system and Romo laughs out-loud. I can get used to this filthy-rich lifestyle.

I ask Romo, well, Tony, since we are on a first-name basis, if he would go with me to purchase a new BMW since the one at home has lost it’s new car smell. Tony laughs and heads toward the BMW car lot where every employee including the owner is met with huge amounts of appreciation and Tony shows them just how much and trades his month-old BMW for a new one and I suddenly-ask the BMW employee how much they are going to sell the car for? Rom is shocked at my finance prowess and ask I am made happy by the BMWs price being so low because it is a used car after all and I ask Tony how his once-new car drove. He cannot stand to be upstaged in public, so he asks me do I like the BMW? I tell him in an humble tone, sure and I mean sure, Tony! And tears start to well-up and I drive back to meet Drew Brees at his steak house. But Tony is also happy at buying a new BMW and does not invite me to come back to watch sports with him. He loves to joke with friends.

Now I am making a mental list of the properties that Drew Brees owns. So as I walk into his lavish steak house, Brees motions me to come and sit down. I agree. (I would be stupid if I didn’t). Brees orders water from a waiter named, “Douglas,” and I order coffee. As we sit and chat about his career and money that has made, I slightly-ask him what all does he really own here in Baton Rouge? Then I am almost about to pass-out at all that he owns.

Then “Douglas,” brings our orders and I am happy to have a bite to eat. Brees, for some reason asks me if I would like a tour of his properties? I agree quickly, then ask . . .

where he buys his suits.

Note: As per my headline about “being as happy as a clam,” I happen to have met and talked with a few friendly clams, and I found out that they are very happy.

Former Dallas Cowboys QB--Now a CBS Sportscaster


© 2020 Kenneth Avery


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