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Jurassic Ark: Noah's Park

Updated on December 5, 2014

Noah's Ark's Park

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Announcing the Ark Park

Long before viewers being entertained by made-up natural catastrophes in disaster movies, there were the grand biblical stories of how man sinned and angered the man in the sky who then handed out terrifying punishments and promised global annihilation unless man behaved. One of the most fascinating of those stories, of course, is Noah's flood. Now, answering many prayers, a huge theme park is being built to relive that flood and make a few bucks for the Church in the process.

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Answers In Genesis

Kenneth Ham, the president and main beef-eater (ham, beef, get it?) of the biblical organization "Answers in Genesis" (AIG) has announced that having secured over 14 million dollars of donations from the public his organization is ready to build a theme park dedicated to Noah and his flood. "According to Kevin Costner," said Ham, "if you build it they will come. So, we're building an Ark and waiting for the flood (of money) to begin."

AIG, which is famous for having built "The Creation Museum" in Northern Kentucky, feels confident that the Ark Park will shut the mouths of all those liberal heathens and doubters doubting that the great flood did really happen and Noah's Ark did really save every single species on this planet by taking a pair of every single animal (all of which were within easy reach of Noah, apparently) on board. They floated on the ocean for 40 days and 41 nights until flood waters covering the whole planet receded (to where?) after which Noah released the animals to walk back on land and resume their daily activities. Fortunately, Noah, his family and all the animals on board were vegetarians and so none of them was eaten as food while vacationing on Cruise Ship Noahtanic.

Other Arklands

This is not the first time someone has tried to build an Ark-themed park. A previous project in Tennessee called "Dark Ark" sank when it got into financial trouble and the loan went under water. A group of people called "Ark Enemies" who had fought fiercely against the development of the park in their backyard bought the undeveloped land and promptly turned it into a shopping mall. Today a number of businesses are thriving there, including "Noah's Petting Zoo", "Jacob's Flood Insurance", "Ishmael's Scuba Gear", "Jedediah's Car Wash", "Temple Savings And Loans", "Money Changers Investments", "King Herod's Wedding Planners", "Sacrificial Lamb Kabob To Go", and "Sarah's Maid And Surrogate Mother Services".

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The Theme Of The Ark Park

The Ark Park will be like any other amusement park built by heathens, such as:

1- At the entrance (called the Pearly Gates) you will be greeted by St. Paul. Those arriving before the opening hour will have to go the Early Gates. As you present your ticket, your hand will be stamped and you will go through turnstyles whereupon extra virgin angels will hand maps of the park and splash holy water on you.

2- There will be mascots to take pictures with, such as Arky Mouse, Goody Good Checker, and Floody The Shark. There will be signs everywhere welcoming you to "The Holiest Place on Earth". If you step out of line you will be chastised by those known as the "Hollier Than Thou Knights".

3- There will be street performers at every corner, such as preachers who will be warning you of the impending end of the world unless people in NY City stop sinning right this minute and you all make a healthy donation.

4- There will be concession stands and gift shops which just like their heathen counterparts will sell you overpriced deep fried junk food, holy fries and Chinese-made plastic action figures of our saints.

5- There will be hourly shows in which prophets will be crucified and Christians fed to the lions by mock Romans. There will also be a performance by Abraham almost sacrificing his son and another one by Samson bringing down the temple when Delilah does not return his texts.

6- There will be holy 800-year old bearded super-heroes who will part the sea, wrestle God, take naps inside whales, and destroy cities which may have a few inhabitants of the wrong sexual orientation.

7- There will be rides such as a rapture roller coaster which will go up but may or may not come back down. It is expected that some of the rides will be so scary that by the end of the ride even if you are not a believer you WILL become a believer and pray to God to land you safely so you can change your soiled undies.

8- There will be amphitheaters in which there will be performances by "Jona's Brother And The Salvations" and another one by "Madonna And Her Choir Boys". "Joseph And The Carpenters" will arrive on donkeys to perform weekly.

9- Those looking for employment (such as picking up holy trash or selling mini-ten command tablets so some of you may finally know it's not cool to do your neighbor's wife) can go straight to the employment office which is run by a man named Job.

10- Just like the regular heathen theme parks, by the end of your trip to Arkland the park will have emptied your pockets of every last penny. You will be so fleeced that even your shirt will be stripped off your back before you are blissfully kicked out of the Garden of Eden wearing only a fig leaf.

Con Clusion

This park is an important step in filling a gap left by science when dealing with human curiosity, namely, science is too boring and unimaginative to be able to satisfy your need for fantastically unbelievable stories to explain things that would otherwise require hard work to figure out. But the most important thing about Arkland when it's completed in 2016 is this: Will it turn a prophet?

Bill Nye destroys Noah's Ark and doesn't leave his insurance information.

Watch Noah's Ark, the movie

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

      No comments? This is such a clever piece of writing. An on-going pun if you will, and written beautifully. Thank you for this very well-written article.

    • RonHawk profile image
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      Ron Hawkins 2 years ago from California, United States

      Ah bless you my good friend. May your life be flooded with joy!

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