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KNICKS N' LACERATIONS -- When Crappy Carl Almost Got Us Killed By Charles Barkley at MSG

Updated on April 7, 2012

February something, 1992.

Madison Square Garden.

A schoolnight.

Crappy Carl's fine mother went and got a hold of Knicks tickets because one of Carl's distant relatives has a seasons' pass and couldn't go. In New York City, every single mom knows about the NBA. At the time every mom was watching for B.J. Armstrong on the Bulls because he looked 7 years old, but Crappy Carl's mom was a loud, hot, aggressive, proud Knicks fan. And according to her,"WE'RE GONNA SEE SIR CHARLES!!!!"


New York Knicks vs. Philadelphia 76ers. Eighth row seats. Holy ass. We were gonna get GOOD SEATS to see Charles Barkley when he was with Mike Gminski, Ron Anderson and whoever the frig else they sucked anyway. But Charles Barkley, Charles Oakley, yes.

Knicks tickets are never easy to get.

Good ones are almost impossible.

I don't care if 80 people are watching Gilbert "I'm a Star?" Arenas when the Wizards come to town. All those seats have been paid for already, they're just busy at their West 81st apartment for forty-five seconds of sex in between invoices and protocol. With their Bo-Rics haircuts.

They never tip the Kakalash people either.

Hey speaking of which did you know that "Rock The Casbar" is a direct reference to guys screwing around with a guy and rocking his container that he takes the corn and kakalash out of? That's not about sex. It's about people messing with the Kalkalash guy. Don't believe me? What's the lines before that -- "Shareef don't like it"!!!!

Shareef don't like sex? Then I'm right.

Maybe, I dunno.

So back to the Knicks game. Crappy Carl at the time has this problem where he likes to get his mom to fall for inside jokes and all this stuff that only we know because we're the ones who are familiar with the hip-hop station on the radio. We're in the car and the song "Nuh-nuh OW" comes on. This sonuma b YANKS his mom's earlobe at the point in the song so they can say "OW" simultaneously. And then we laugh.

And then we drive past the Speigel's.

"LOOK!!!" Carl says. "SPEEEEE-GEL'S!!!"


So we get to the Garden and we're at the seats, and Barkley's just killing people. Barkley has this turnaround jumper now all of a sudden.

See thirteen-year old Crappy Carl liked harrassing people, and he liked the when the Knicks started being that team that harrassed people...boy.

"Hey baby," I said to this older chick sitting nearby.

"Can I help you?" she said irritated.

"Your time alone is over," I said.

"Your time talking to me is over," she replied.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW SCH-NAP!!!" Carl says. "Oh man she made your shorts doo-doo-BROWN!"

"Shut up," I said.

"Hey," Carl replies. "You wanna go pick on Barkley?"

At that moment I spit out my popcorn. "You telling me you've been sitting there putting together in your mind, a plan to pick on Charles Barkley?"


I'm intrigued.

We decide to go out on the concourse, past the vendors, down the stairs, and then around and around until approaching the corridor leading inside through the bleachers and dark brittle Garden lights where the back of the Knicks' basket was. We were six feet away from the floor. The usher was out having a cigarette I suppose.

Before boobies, this was the sight of my life. Six feet away from a real live NBA game. I wished to god nothing would ruin this sight. That hope would end once they went to the free throw line.

The man shooting? Charles Barkley.

"Hey yo Chuck!" says Crappy Carl with a full thrust of his groin sack. "You SUCK my friend, you're TOILET cheese. You heah me tawkin' to you Chuck you SUCK!!! I want my money back!!! Yeah if I wanna see BALD BULL...from Mike Tyson's effin' PUNCH out...I'll pay FLY his ass out of Istanbul, Turkey...and he can PLAY me after I beat Soda Popinski you BIG BITCH you SUCK!"

Right then, I see Mason and Ewing both turn and look squarely at me, (crap, I've got a Pippen jersey on at this moment, sorry Pat) Barkley looks right at Crappy Carl (my blood boils) and he says "I might suck but I make 90 million dollars."


The whole section laughed.

And so Crappy Carl would be spared, we'd go home, and I'd fantasize about his mom.

The Knicks won the game 54-22 or something. With no Isiah or Joe Dumars, I was very skeptical about New York Knick ghettoball. But that May, we beat the Pistons and took the Bulls to seven.

Many years later, Crappy Carl found a time machine and said "Yo man, the battery's almost running out, we're only allowed one trip with this thing."

Out of everything that could done, experienced, and was clear what a young player had to do...

Make it so Patrick Ewing could get his championship in 1994.

And it happened! Don't believe me? Click below!


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