Lucha Underground Review: The Assassination of Prince Puma by the Immortan Mil Muertes
I’ll be honest folks; it wasn’t looking good for me in regards to catching Lucha Underground tonight, thanks to me being relocated to a non El Rey area due to work related shenanigans. It wasn’t good, especially considering we’re in the midst of an apocalypse and all. But then something happened, and I don’t mean the fact that I caught Arrow’s new episode live (and can I say; well done Arrow. It’s back baby). Turns out good ole cubsfan over at luchablog isn’t only the best source for all things lucha but a straight up wonderful human being who hooked me up with tonight’s episode. Thus here I am to bring you your review only a few hours behind schedule. Trust me; the wait was worth it. So let’s dive in sports fans. Moses; get the meme worthy of the best wrestling promotion going today.
IF MIL LOSES, HE STAY DEAD
Your typical LU opening where Catrina breaks everyone’s heart, motivates Mil and then reveals that he will be left for dead if he can’t break his Grave Consequences losing streak. OH BOY! So much for Puma just having a stake in this match huh? And why the change of heart from Catrina? I thought she enjoyed powering up Mil every time he was sent into the coffin. Maybe she’s getting lazy in her old age or something? Wouldn’t be the first American in the last few days. Dammit; I promised to be good!
Believers Backlash II
Mascarita Sagrada vs. Famous B
First off, Famous didn’t interrupt Melissa this time, which pretty much guaranteed he was fucked more than the Oilers after trading Wayne Gretzky. Secondly, mother of puss bucket this match! Like that girl Ariel sings about, it had everything; giant scissors, popcorn, pie (no Rock, not that pie), Matt Striker’s shoe, bowling balls, life sized cardboard cutouts, RICK MARTEL REFERENCES (somewhere, my pal Pen nods in approval), football gear, mini ladders, and a shit ton of other stuff I can’t remember right now. Needless to say this was all used to great effect; it wasn’t the traditional wrestling match but it was wildly entertaining and wildly watchable, with both guys delivering, Brenda doing a fantastic job as Famous’ manager/stooge and Son of Havoc and Dr. Wagner Jr. doing just enough to provide some moments while also not getting in the way. For a feud that was built to make you laugh, you couldn’t ask for a better ending than this. Finally Mascarita gets his big win, gets brought into Son of Havoc’s biker gang, and gets rid of Famous, whose next move may be one of the more underrated things to look forward to LU in the weeks to come.
There’s tension, there’s sexual tension and then there’s whatever happened between Killshot and Dante “AR” Fox in this segment. I guess we were supposed to believe things are fine between these two, with Killshot seemingly forgiving Fox for dropping his ass like it was hot a few weeks ago and Fox even accepting Killshot’s handshake into a hug. But come on; did you see the way they were eyeballing each other, not to mention the disgust in the voice when they called each other brother? We can’t really be that surprised it wasn’t the re-beginning of a beautiful friendship. Did I just create a new term?
Tales From the Bathroom Part 2
Good Grodd; Drago was back in that damn bathroom again! What is it with him and that place? Does he just like the look or is he in constant need of taking a shit? Someone get me statistics on how a dragon’s digestive system works pronto; I'll take Ser Jorah if I have to!
Anyways, Kobra Moon once again appeared, once again tried to convince Drago to join back up with the snake tribe and once again got rejected. Kobra took this rejection a lot worse this time however, which led to fisticuffs (with numchucks!), a revelation that poor Daga may have joined Cisco, Bael and Big Ryck in the great lucha ring in the sky and something about a dude named Lord Pindar, which suddenly made Drago go from super confident to “MOTHER OF GRODD I JUST SHAT MYSELF!” A few things; first I’m betting Daga isn’t dead (he is in the season three trailer after all and hasn’t appeared yet) and second, this snake tribe seems like it’s going to be a pretty big thing, especially if Lord Pindar is in fact this mysterious Lord we’ve been all waiting to find out about. I doubt he is, but he is a Lord (as is the other Lord) and with LU I’d buy just about anything, especially after future Hall of Famer Vinnie Massaro walked in on Drago and Kobra AGAIN. And yes, he was once again accompanied by a fine cuisine, this time a chicken leg from the looks of it. There’s comedy, there’s the highest of comedy, there’s Mascarita vs. Famous in a Believers Backlash match and then there’s Vinnie. If he doesn’t end up being the protagonist of this Drago-Kobra story, I’m going to complain on like vigorously!
Five on Five Match with the Winning Team Entering Aztec Warfare
The Mack, Mariposa, Marty “The Moth” Martinez, Ivelisse and Jeremiah Crane defeated Cage, Texano, Dante Fox, Killshot and Argenis
Evidently the first match wasn’t crazy enough for LU because they went and topped it immediately with one of those awe inspiring, death defying, out of control multi-person matches we know and well. The chaos worked even better here considering the shot for an Aztec Warfare spot (and by extension a Lucha Underground Championship opportunity) was on the line. I was highly impressed by Jeremiah and Fox here; they were going to get the highlight spots due to it being their first match in the Temple and they took advantage, especially Jeremiah who looked like an absolute world beater (how did NXT miss with this guy?!). Everyone else was great too. Texano, Cage and Mariposa worked well despite not having anything showy. Argenis (the only one out of place here in teams made up of rivals) got a great moonsault in. Killshot looked spry. Big Willie was Big Willie. And Ivelisse was fucking fantastic here before suffering what looked to be another freak injury when she landed badly on a hurricanrana attempt. That’s pretty much the only black mark on the match, and you have to feel for her considering she’s a) had to overcome a serious injury previously and b) is far and away the best in ring performer of the luchadoras in the Temple. Hopefully this doesn’t affect her match with Catrina coming up. Besides that though, this was a super fun, super great match with a sensible ending that saw Fox betray Killshot. Can you believe that issue isn’t over?!
I’ll sum up this segment with this picture.
Onto the main event!
Grave Consequences III
Mil Muertes defeated Prince Puma
With all due respect to both Prince Puma and Mil Muertes, going into this match I was keeping my expectations tempered. I mean I knew it would be good; it’s just that the first Grave Consequences match was so special, so unbelievably unique that I couldn’t picture this match coming anywhere close to it (note that last year’s Matanza-Mil match, which was merely good, not great, helped play into me not losing my mind going in). Guess what? It did get close. It’s still not quite in the same league as that Fenix-Mil match, a bout that had such a richer back story and was in many ways revolutionary (had we ever seen a casket match quite like that one?). But take that away and this match was hotter than Sara Lance at the annual League of Assassins ball.
So what made it work? Much like Fenix-Mil and unlike Mil-Matanza (which was strictly for the title and little else) this match had a ton riding on it. For Mil, he was pretty much fighting for his life considering what Catrina told him earlier and you could sense his desperation. And yet somehow he wasn’t nearly as desperate as Puma, who also wrestled like his life depended on it while channeling the spirits of Dark Link, Ministry of Darkness Undertaker and the Abed from the Darkest Timeline. He got grim here folks (much to the delight of Vampiro), and it was that grimness and the desire to keep hurting Mil that ultimately saved Mil’s life and ended Puma’s. And in the end that will be the talking point here, despite the fact that this match featured a chokeslam from the ring through two tables on the floor and Puma blocking the Flatliner with a handstand, which quite possibly is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen that doesn’t include Kris Bryant throwing to Anthony Rizzo for the final out in Game 7. Puma followed the advice of Vampiro, went after the man who killed his mentor and “ruined” his career, got darker and still ended up buried alive in the same coffin Konnan was put in at the end of season one. It was a huge win for Mil Muertes (not only does it make him an Aztec Warfare favorite, but it finally gets him a win in his marquee match) and a result that brings a lot of uncertainties for Puma. He will be back folks; I can promise you that. But how will he return? And most importantly, how does this play into whatever Vampiro (who loved the match and even seemed pleased by the result) has in mind in the weeks to come?
That’s a wrap sports fans. I shall return tomorrow to write about Máscara Dorada and preview Friday’s CMLL show. It’s gonna be a good day. Till then, stay safe America. The great DUCHOVNY kindly requests it.