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Lucha Underground Preview: Bulls, Snakes, Aztec Gods and Undercover Luchadors (OH MY!)
My fellow lucha fans; I come to you with an apology. As you’ve figured out by now I didn’t do a review of last night’s CMLL show. I was wrong and I apologize to all seven to fifteen of you who read them every week. Why did I neglect to fulfill my duty? Simple; VALIENTE WAS WEARING PANTS AGAIN AND I NEEDED TO CELEBRATE THIS! Like, come on people. You really expected me to write a review of the show when the only noteworthy thing I could say was “VALIENTE HAS PANTS AGAIN” over and over again, especially since there’s a slight chance he put the pants back on because a certain someone wrote this gem last week? It couldn’t be done. I hope you understand. If not…well at least my Lucha Underground preview is here now, and it’s got everything your tall, dark and twisted mind could desire. Well except for Pentagon; he’s out getting robot arms to replace his broken ones and won’t be seen for awhile. Such is life! But enough about that, let’s talk bulls. You’ll see what I mean. Moses, get on your bike and meme!
Keep Calm and Beware of the Battle of the Bulls!
What to Expect: Ladies, gentlemen, Italian wrestlers who just want to find an empty bathroom to eat in, I come to you today with a mystery so great it eclipses the JFK assassination, the UFO conspiracy and the curious case of Valiente’s missing pants in magnitude. Seriously; what the flaming fuck is the Battle of the Bulls tournament?! I get LU wants to keep me on my toes but this…I’ve got no way to make sense of this. All I can tell is that this is a tournament of some nature that will have two matches this week (one of will feature Sexy Star vs. P.J. Black. I’d preview this match, but I only saw it was happening after I posted this. Damn your timing LU!). That’s it. I don’t know why it exists, what it leads to, nothing. The best guesses I have is that it’s a trios tournament El Jefe has set up (he does like to do that around this time of the season) that either leads to the winning team facing this new trios team representing the “Bull” tribe (with El Torito, Taurus and Rush making up this team of course) or a trios team consisting of members from 1990’s era Chicago Bulls. Hey, maybe MJ thought it was time to conquer something else, chose wrestling and is bringing Scotty and Horace to assist him while controversially leaving Rodman out. Not that I blame him; even with wrestling experience I’m pretty sure Rodman would be a worse in ring performer than Jordan. Hell I’d rather take Will Perdue as a partner over Rodman, and that’s saying something considering I only remembered Perdue walked this mortal coil after cubsfan name dropped him last week.
In all seriousness…no wait, I was being serious in that last paragraph! This whole thing is so unknown that I literally wouldn’t be surprised if Jordan’s Bulls walked into the Temple Wednesday with El Jefe declaring a tournament where the winner has to face them. That’s what makes these LU tournaments so interesting and maddening; you never quite know what you’re going to get even when you think you know what you’re going to get. That make sense? One way or another we’ll find out soon and we’ll get two matches from this to boot. So at least it should be a good time in some regard.
Winner: There are two winners here. The first is El Jefe, just for creating this and mindfucking me with the idea. The second is Will Purdue for getting the most publicity of his life with his name drop here. Seriously, I’m pretty sure he didn’t even remember he existed! Good for you Will Purdue.
Get Me Undercover Luchador!
What to Expect: If the person you’re spying on knows you’re an undercover cop, does that still make you an undercover cop? That answer doesn’t matter to Cortes Castro, who will attempt to continue his undercover crusade according to the LU preview blurb, despite the fact that Dario has done everything but Fredo Corleone’d him because HE KNOWS IT WAS YOU CORTES! Seriously, Castro has to know this by now right? He can’t possibly think that El Jefe had his arm broken and then broken again because that’s how Dario likes to do things (though in fairness, that is how Dario likes to do things). I take it we’ll get an answer for good here and that Joey Ryan will be involved, considering he appears to be booked for this show in one of the mysterious Battle of the Bull matches. Whatever the case, Cortes, my man, be careful! Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Trust no one. How many more movie/TV quotes do I have to make before you realize YOU HAVE BEEN STRAIGHT UP HAD?!
Winner: I’m rooting for Cortes here, but I gotta tell you I don’t feel confident in his chances unless he’s going back to the Temple in disguise (which is possible by the way). Unless that happens then I expect him to lose this moment to whoever he’s interacting with, be it El Jefe, Ryan, Captain Vasquez, whoever. Hell he may lose to all three; have you ever not seen Castro get owned by these three when he’s with them? Get a back bone Cortes; Bael and Cisco didn’t die for you to fail this spectacularly!
Once Upon a Time in a Snake Tribe
What to Expect: It’s time to get real; this happenstance is going to be the most talked about event from this week’s episode. I don’t have any insider info on what Kobra Moon’s back story will contain and whatnot, I just have a feeling. Perhaps it’s because our friendly neighborhood snake seductress has been gunning after Drago so hard, bringing up evil snake lords like Pindar and the demise of likeable dudes like Daga along the way. Perhaps it’s the fact that one of the Ancient Aztec tribes is involved. Perhaps it’s due to the season three trailer, which showed Kobra participating in some pretty wacky shit. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because even after a season and a half we really don’t know that much about Kobra Moon at all. Think about it; what have we learned about her besides a) she’s part of the snake tribe, b) she takes the snake motif 100% seriously, c) she’s known Drago in the past and d) she likes to stalk people from rooftops and may or may not have tried to seduce Daga once upon a time. That’s it. Thus I’m looking forward to learning more about her, and not only that, learning more about this Pindar dude, Drago’s history with the tribe and whoever else may be involved. It also wouldn’t shock me if we learn just what happened to Daga, which means we’ll be getting Final Fantasy sword cameos!
Winner: You can’t lose your own back story scene; the only guy to ever accomplish that is Garrett from Quest for Camelot and Kobra Moon is no Garrett from Quest for Camelot. Although I can neither confirm nor deny if that annoying two headed dragon from the film is part of her tribe. I’ll ask her after she wins this segment and hope my street cred isn’t ruined for referencing that Grodd awful film.
Best of Five Series: Match #4
Cage vs. Texano
What to Expect: Considering it’s been over a month since the last match in this series and nearly a month since we last saw these two (both Cage and Texano were on the losing team in the five on five match that determined who qualified for Aztec Warfare III), I’d say it’s time for a recap! Here’s the deal; Cage and Texano squared off earlier in the season for a unique opportunity, which turned out to be a ruse concocted by El Jefe to get these guys involved in a Best of Five series. Match one, a seriously underrated bout whose reception still perplexes me, was won by Cage. A significantly better received second match was also won by Cage, and for a moment it looked like Cage was going to do to Texano what the Golden State Warriors do to everyone. In the words of Lee Corso, not so fast my friend! Texano managed to comeback to steal another underrated gem which would get overshadowed by two things; an awful main event between Sexy Star and Johnny Mundo and a scene prior to Cage-Texano III where El Jefe and Councilman Delgado revealed that the winner of this series would become the new host of the god inhabiting Matanza (or possibly the host of some other evil god. There, you happy Leafster?!). Sum it up for us Sean Connery!
The stakes have clearly been raised for this feud, and the best part is (unless something has changed) is that neither Texano and Cage know it; they’re just two guys fighting for what seems to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. That aspect really lent a different, almost weird feel to the third match and I anticipate it will here too. It doesn’t hurt that this match should also be pretty damn good. For a feud no one seemed to be interested in when this series started it sure has been effective; the only issues with it have been a) how long it’s taken LU to get back to it and b) the match getting lost in the shuffle do to outcry over another performer (seriously peeps; I get you don’t like Sexy Star, but to focus on that Mundo match so much while ignoring how good match #3 of this series was, on top of the story beat added to it, was lame and you should feel lame if you missed it). Otherwise both have delivered in the ring and I sense they will again here. Regardless of how it goes I’m really interested in seeing how Texano comes out of this looking. The man who cannot get over in the Temple has slowly but surely been getting over in the Temple with this series; you could see his reactions building in match two and by the end of match three he was getting a noticeable pop for winning. I think some people may indeed be buying into the comeback story (or they just don’t want Cage to be possessed) and it wouldn’t shock me if this series is finally gets Texano to a place that feuding with Alberto, Daivari and Chavo couldn’t do.
Winner: Another underrated factor of this series; no result was out of the question. Not only did I think it was possible that Cage could sweep Texano in match three (something that never happens in a Best of series) I kind of anticipated it. It’s why I have pause here in picking Texano to tie this up; Cage could win this match and I really wouldn’t think twice about it. In fact that’s what I’ll go with. Unlike match three where Cage was presented as not taking it as seriously as Texano do to the cushion, the man from the 559 will be ready to go from the start and will hold off a resilient Texano to win this Best of Five in four. Congrats Cage; enjoy being possessed by an evil Aztec god. Fuck, now he’ll know!
That’s game sports fans. I’m off to make lunch, do some Rudo Can’t Fail Work and then return for a review of tonight’s CMLL. Unless it bores me of course! Till we meet again, look at the DUCHOVNY next to you and give him a hug.