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Lucha Underground Review: Cero Miedo
Let the record show that I was going to do a Bruce Buffer impression to start this column out. Needless to say, I didn't nail it; evidently my written Bruce Buffer is about as cool as pizza flavored ice cream. Unlike yours truly, Lucha Underground nailed it again tonight with solid show featuring two super cool matches, a reminder that Angelico is that damn good, some history lessons on the Cueto Family and a facial expression so terrifying that hell itself spat it back out. Dammit, I’ve already said too much! LET’S GET CRACKIN!
Queens of the Temple
If you’re a fan of hot women licking knives, bad ass confrontations and the continuance of the build to that Ivelisse vs. Catrina match we all desperately want (IT’S GONNA HAPPEN DAMMIT!), then this segment was for you. Frankly, this segment should’ve been for anyone anyway; who doesn’t love Catrina being Catrina and Ivelisse continuing to morph into wrestling’s greatest badass? Look out Roman Reigns! By the way, we’re totally going to see Catrina force Ivelisse, Angelico and Son of Havoc to go through several teams in one night just to get another shot at the Trios Championships. It’s literally the only way you can go bigger than they did last year, and it totally makes sense that Catrina would make them go through that considering she hates the three of them with the fire of a thousand suns and the Disciples are as effective at fighting as my Batman bobble head doll. On a scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, how epic are we thinking the Angelico dive will be?
Ivelisse, Angelico and Son of Havoc defeated Chavo Guerrero and The Crew
If the first episode of season two was about giving the spotlight to Ivelisse (who was her usual awesome self here), this match was about giving some shine to everyone’s favorite daredevil (not you P.J. Black!). And damn was it good to see Angelico cut loose; I thought the match took awhile to get going, but once he started delivering his epic knee strikes and flying around like Superman all seemed right with the world. I look forward to seeing Son of Havoc get his moment in the next few weeks. The bigger stories here however (aside from The Greatest Trios Team to Ever Live inching closer to getting those Trios Titles back) were the apparent disintegration between Chavo and the Crew (which let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time) and the return of Stone Cold Texano to get his revenge on Chavo for costing him that match against Blue Demon Jr. at Ultima Lucha. Will be interesting to see how those two play into each other as the weeks go along, as well as Cortez Castro’s other extracurricular activities.
Johnny Mundo: Face of Lucha Underground
Remember when Johnny Mundo was a guy who couldn’t talk? Pepperidge Farm remembers, and they’re equally amazed he’s turned into a complete performer. This wasn’t quite his best promo for Lucha Underground (I still hold his interview with Vampiro post rudo turn last year in high regard), but it was still high quality. I absolutely loved his shots about not being treated like the “face of Lucha Underground” and how he shouldn’t have been in Ultima Lucha’s opening match; if that wasn’t a shot at Alberto El Patron then Prince Puma isn’t the Luchador of the Week. Seriously though, doesn’t he seem to be winning that award every week? Can Fenix get some shine maybe?!
There is losing, there is really losing and then there’s losing and having to listen to Officer Joey Ryan tell you all about it in the locker room afterwards. Poor Cortez Castro! I’m telling you, there’s no way that these two are going to be able to co-exist with each other, and there’s also no way someone doesn’t back stab the other and the entire LAPD at some point this season. The Golden State Warriors winning the NBA Championship isn’t as much of a certainty as that occurring.
Cage defeated Joey Ryan
I absolutely adored this match, and not just because Ryan started it off with one of the sleaziest moments in the history of the western hemisphere. The chemistry just seemed to click, and I thought both men played their roles to perfection. Biggest plus; they actually made me think Ryan could win there for a few minutes, and not just because I thought Mundo was going to interfere and put the screws to Cage. Alas, the man from the 559 finally took it home with a move that would’ve brought Scott Steiner back to sanity and put Officer Joey on a sabbatical. After the match, Mundo delivered a sneak attack to Cage and…nope, didn’t work. That’s right, Cage went through a pretty grueling match with Officer Joey, got sneak attacked by Mundo and STILL made them both look silly at the end of it all. I know Immortan Mil Muertes didn’t shift in his seat at all during any of this (that’s right, our redeemer is still spending his night’s just chilling and watching matches from his throne built from Big Ryck’s bones), but I would be a little nervous if I were him. I’m pretty sure we’re going to find out Cage is a legit machine in the next few weeks. And you can’t kill machines; well unless you drop them into molten lava pits like at the end of Terminator 2, but I don’t think the Temple has one of those!
Back story! Back story Everywhere!
This segment personifies just what makes Lucha Underground great; here we had a segment that took Rey Mysterio, a dude some would argue has worn out his welcome over the years, and made him the most interesting he’s been since his feud with Chris Jericho back in 2010. We got to see him train El Dragon Azteca II a bit and learn some more stuff from the past; like how Dario Cueto’s father and the late great original El Dragon Azteca were originally partners who set out to study the seven Aztec tribes, Dario’s father went madder than Jervis Tetch after an Alice in Wonderland convention, a treaty was struck where the Cueto’s and Azteca’s couldn’t enter each other’s sacred ground without the result of death (explaining why Dragon Azteca I met his fate during Ultima Lucha) and Matanza Cueto may have been sacrificed as a child and possessed by the spirit of one of the Aztec Gods. Whichever one it was, I’m betting it wasn’t the nice and fluffy kind. My biggest takeaway however was that Rey claimed his and Azteca’s biggest goals were to bring together the seven Aztec tribes. My memory may be a bit hazy but isn’t that the same thing ancient astronaut (and hero of mine) Aerostar set out to do last week? Does this mean these two sides are going to unite? ARE WE GOING TO GET AN AEROSTAR-MYSTERIO ALLIANCE?! This is unbelievable; this is madness!
Prince Puma defeated Pentagon Jr.
Ladies, gentlemen, Mortensen (I can feel your presence!); if you ever want an example of how a match can be absolutely captivating while being ten minutes or less, this is the prime example right here. I won’t say this was the best match of season two (last week’s Last Luchador Standing bout still takes the cake) but dammit if Puma and Pentagon didn’t try even with their limited amount of time. The action never slowed down, both men looked as crisp as ever; hell I could make the argument this match was enjoyable on the basis that we finally got to watch Pentagon have a significant one on one match for the first time since his battle with Vampiro, reminding us he’s just as good within the ropes as he is with everything else (and if someone else has harder chops than him in wrestling today, I want to meet this person). Most importantly, this was the type of match that didn’t show too much that you were left wanting more in the best way possible. And hey, it looks like I’m going to be right about Pentagon needing Vampiro theory! Perhaps the most compelling aspect of this match was Vampiro pointing out the numerous flaws in Pentagon’s game plan (some of the best commentary work Vamp has had thus far in my opinion), flaws that ultimately led to Pentagon’s defeat. Someone better take a look at whether Vamp is taking his medication; otherwise I think we might be seeing a return to darkness by him to once again try and push Pentagon over the top.
Fear the Moth(s)!
I don’t know who keeps deciding to add these closing scenes following the main event every episode, but whoever is; keep doing it! They’re a bigger hit than a 1990’s Bouncing Souls record I tell you. As for the final scene, it’s a good news/bad news thing. The good news is that Sexy Star is finally free from the clutches of the Moth and has found an ally in Big Willie. Dare I say a wise choice; I mean who doesn’t want to be friends with a dude who has a YouTube show about cooking shit in the microwave? The bad news is that Marty (who was likely back at Casa de Moth playing ping pong with a preppy mannequin doll) and his still unseen sister are still coming for Sexy and, by default, Big Willie as well. In fact, judging by The Mack’s traumatized stare that recalled Danforth’s reaction to that unseen monstrosity at the end of At the Mountains of Madness, I’d say she was coming for them right then and there! No problem with me; The Mack vs. The Moth (with Sexy and Sister of the Moth along for the ride) is change I can believe in. Even if it’s not as good as The Mack’s shocked face; seriously, that was the Bill Walton of shocked faces right there. That’s the face of a man who has been to a volcano while it was erupting…man I need to stop using Bill Walton quotes out of nowhere.
And scene. I’ll be back tomorrow with some fine Failbag reading! Till then, how a picture of Big Willie's non shocked face? I know, I wanted to show the shocked face, but just like Lugia at the end of Pokemon the Movie 2000, the internet has failed.
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