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Lucha Underground Review: Championships and Comeback Kids
You know what’s better than a great Lucha Underground episode? A surprisingly great Lucha Underground episode. I must admit sports fans, while I was hyped for this week’s episode as per usual it wasn’t the same level as I’ve come to expect. I thought the show would be good, but not quite on the level as some of the great episodes we’ve had since Aztec Warfare II. The lesson as always; I’m an idiot. What happened instead was LU producing three really entertaining matches, one of which was so shockingly good I thought I had fallen asleep and dreamt it. Add that with the usual mix of cool backstage scenes and an unforgivable backstabbing and this might be one of the best LU episodes of season two. You’re damn right I said it. What are we waiting for; let’s take a look. Meme me Moses!
MEIN FURH! PENTAGON CAN WALK!
First off, that's a Dr. Strangelove joke there folks. Don't want anyone thinking I associate with miscreants or anything. Secondly, this moment calls for that achievement music from all the Final Fantasy games!
IT HAS HAPPENED FOLKS! Pentagon has graduated from motorized wheel chair status to bizarre torturing all the way to being a fully functional arm breaker again! Best news ever? Best news ever. Unfortunately this doesn’t make Pentagon ready in the eyes of Vampiro, who proceeds to own Pentagon with an armbar to prove so and ignores Pentagon’s claims of having zero fear. Well unfortunately for him; I don’t know about you but I’m not ready for the Pentagon-Vamp training sessions to be over. We still need that Rocky esq montage set to a Misfits song after all!
Joey Ryan defeated Mascarita Sagrada
Are you looking for some serious fun? Check out this match then. No one will confuse it as a technical Match of the Year candidate, but from beginning to end this match was nothing but high entertainment value. Credit Famous B for setting the tone by taking the microphone from Melissa Santos again (I swear, one of these days someone is gonna pop the dude for that), cutting his usual awesome promo and then giving the greatest reaction ever when Joey attacked Mascarita before the match (MASCARITA SAGODAMN!). After that Joey and Mascarita took it from there with Mascarita playing the plucky high flying technico to a T and Joey being Joey. Hell he even unveiled the powers of his universally famous dick for the first time in the Temple here, and you could argue that wasn’t the best thing he did here (I’d argue it was him faking back pain while trying to slam Mascarita). In the end Joey took the match with a sick Tornado DDT (the third best Tornado of the evening by the way), but the big story was the look Famous had in the ring after the match. Is it just me or is Famous growing frustrated with Mascarita’s inability to win a big match? Or is he growing frustrated with himself? Something to keep an eye on folks.
Taya Owns Noobs, Looks Great Doing It
In a flashback to a lot of those character driven scenes from early in the season, we saw Taya, dressed to kill (music and lyrics by New Found Glory) and taking out those awesome masked luchadors that frequent neon lit cities, Mexican bars, alleys and apparently high end banquet halls. Overall there wasn’t too much else to that and that’s fine; Taya looked like a million bucks here and we got the brief glimpse of Johnny Mundo in a man bun, which is surely to spawn the chant “Man Bun Mundo”! I want full credit for that Temple faithful.
A Kidnapping in King Cuerno’s Cabin
We have an update on King Cuerno’s kidnapping of Mil Muertes. And that update is that Deer Antlers is winning this kidnapping by a mile, keeping the former Immortan propped up in a glass coffin right next to all the stuffed, mounted animal heads in that beautiful cabin. SO much for all that complaining people did about Cuerno’s status huh?! I mean yeah, he’s probably not going to want to be there when Mil finally wakes up from his slumber and if I were good old Deer Antlers I’d higher some extra security just to make sure neither Catrina nor Sinestro come knocking at the door. But hey, we’ll worry about that next week. This week’s a week for celebration and comparisons of Mil looking like Han Solo after he was frozen in carbonite, minus the frozen part of course!
Gift of the Gods Championship Match
Cage defeated Chavo Guerrero
Ladies and gentlemen I was there opening weekend for Mad Max: Fury Road, I have witnessed both of Jake Arietta’s two no hitters; hell I’ve even seen a grown man satisfy a camel (just kidding. Or am I?!). And yet I can’t recall a time in recent memory where something surprised me as much as this match. I expected it to be a quick squash with Cage breaking Chavo like a wild horse and the opening few minute of the match seemed to indicate we were heading in that direction. And then something amazing happened; Chavo Guerrero turned back the clock and delivered the best performance of his Lucha Underground career!
Even though Chavo has been a solid character performer for LU his in ring performances had been…let’s just say they weren’t what they used to be for the last of the Guerreros (especially when he was feuding with Texano, where the heat between the two was as existent as Uwe Boll’s chance of an Oscar). I didn’t think he had tonight in him anymore and boy was I wrong. Chavo as usual nailed the character stuff, but he also looked spry, motivated and fresh in ring for the first time in ages, hitting a few dives, a really good Frog Splash and an amazing Tornado DDT. It was the kind of turn back the clock performance you love to see and I’m so happy Chavo delivered tonight. He had help though; the man from the 559 continued his torrid pace during season two and managed to look every bit as dominant as you’d expect while also making Chavo look good. And my goodness, does his athleticism know no bounds; he nearly nailed a PERFECT SECOND ROPE MOONSAULT! Stop it Cage, just stop it!
In the end Cage managed to pull this one out with that amazing Lucha Destroyer move of his, making a million people who predicted Chavo’s one week reign look like profits and giving him the Gift of the Gods Championship. And that’s not all; the Machine wasted no time immediately cashing in the title for a match against Matanza next week. THE MONSTER VS. THE MACHINE BABY! I think if anyone has doubts about how good that match is needs to only take a look at tonight (and every single Matanza performance really) to know that bout is going to be like Pop Tarts; craaaaazy good. It’ll have a tall order to follow this match though; perhaps I’m overrating it a tad because I didn’t expect it to be this good, but this was an excellent match that both established Cage as a beast and made Chavo look the best he’s had since Pepe the hobby horse. My match of the night; yes I said. Fight me!
Bye Bye Fenix
In what served as the beginning of an excellent night for the man, the myth the legend and Jack Evans (see what I did there?!), Taya led the boys through the LU locker room till they found Fenix, Jack and P.J.’s announced partner for the Trios Championship Match, lying face first on the floor. To quote Chris Tucker, he got knocked the fuck out man. Who was the culprit? Why none other than the Wednesday Night Delight, who Jack and P.J. seemed to embrace as a partner far more than they did with Fenix. I’m just guessing though; perhaps that bizarre yet hilarious air guitar thing all three guys did is code for dissatisfaction in lucha. Whatever the case, at least we now have the most over the top smarmy rudo team in the history of the western hemisphere and a built in Johnny vs. Fenix feud whenever Fenix wakes up from his slumber. Hell, perhaps this is even leading to Fenix, Aerostar and Drago taking on The Inventors of Modern Lucha Libre (their new name. Get used to it!) soon in a match that will make me weep tears of joy and cause the rest of the internet to react like this. Even you Matt Mortensen, even you.
Undercover Luchadors Covert Investigation/Robbery!
Evidently not only was Black Lotus on vacation this week (like every other week it seems) but El Jefe was too, allowing Joey Ryan and Cortes Castro to actually search his office in search of clues. Hey, when you win your opening match with the help of your supernatural genitals it only makes sense to do crazy things; like search your boss’ office when you know if caught you’ll be fed to his demon king of a brother. Luckily for Joey and Cortes Dario never appeared; instead season two breakout star Mr. Cisco did just as Joey was stealing cash from El Jefe’s secret door. After Cisco (offended that he wasn’t asked to take part in Joey’s impromptu heist) threatened to tell El Jefe, Joey pulled his gun out and Cortes reluctantly put Cisco under arrest as he tried to get away. Poor Cisco; you’re finally breaking out with your good buddy after you’ve been through everything together (wins, losses, partners being devoured right in front of you), only for him to then blind side you and throw you in prison. This better end with Cortes realizing the error of his ways and either cutting Cisco a deal or breaking him out of prison; otherwise I’m not sure I can support Cortes anymore. HE WAS YOUR FRIEND MAN!
Trios Championship Match
Jonny Mundo, Jack Evans and P.J. Black (The Inventors of Modern Lucha Libre) defeated Lucha Justice League
How do you top an unexpectedly great Gift of the Gods match? By following it up with a Trios Championship match that served to be one of the wildest matches in Lucha Underground history and a bout that featured more cheating than Kobe Bryant in the mid 00’s. It didn’t quite hit the spot for me the way Cage-Chavo did thanks to a few sloppy spots, but overall this was exactly what you’d expect; a fun match with a lot of high flying moves, a lot of entertaining Jack Evans moments and the continued brilliance of the now former Trios Champions, who have clicked just as well as anyone would expect. What we’re ultimately going to remember about this match however is the chaotic final minutes, where the rudos pretty much through their hands up in the air and decided to cheat like crazy. Poor Marty Elias was thrown from the ring by Mundo while trying to count a Puma pinfall, which led to the rudos nailing low blow after low blow after low blow. Somehow that wasn’t enough and the Justice League rallied a comeback, only for Taya to distract Rick Knox (who ran in to replace poor Marty) while Jack nailed Azteca with a chair, giving Mundo time to roll him up and give the rudos the tag team titles. That’s right, Lucha Justice League was dethroned; granted it was after rules had been thrown out like John Terry in the 2008 Champions League Final but it’s still a loss, and to a new team no less. I would’ve thought that have been a slight mistake, but with the chemistry of Mundo, Black and Evans firmly intact already and the way this match built heat I have to say it was the right call. It also now opens up mucho options. The Inventors of Modern Lucha Libre vs. Justice League, Fenix, Drago and Aerostar or Ivelisse, a returning Angelico and Son of Havoc (who are feuding with Mundo and Taya now less we forget) are all money match ups that we can see between now and season three. In short, I think we’ve just seen the Trios Division become the strongest it’s ever been. In the words of Bill Preston Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan, most excellent.
And with that, the rest is silence. Hope you enjoyed the show and this column folks! I’ll be back this Friday (and possibly before then) with a huge preview of the UEFA Euro Tournament, with the help of some friends. Till then, the meme you all wanted last week. Don't say I don't deliver.
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