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Lucha Underground: Hospital Food
Another Wednesday, another “brand new” episode of Lucha Underground in the books. To think; it just seemed like yesterday that season three ended and we were all wondering when season four would pick up! Good thing it did because things continued to go strong this week. We had surprise cameos, Aztec Medallions being handed out like Halloween candy, bald Jack Evans, two surprisingly very good matches, the continuation of Pentagon’s story and what may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen since I saw Lady Maravilla Monday night. What can I say; I’m smitten with her. But enough about my romantic interests, it’s time to break down LU! Moses, get on your bikes and meme!
If there’s one trend I’ve picked up on during the early parts of season four, it’s that things aren’t going well for Johnny Mundo. Like at all. First he lost the LU title at UL3, then he lost his rematch to Pentagon the first week back and now he’s getting shown up in Agent Winter’s office like Winter is doing his best to go all Dario Cueto on his ass. Even worse is that it looked like this scene was going to go well for Mundo; it began with PJ Black, Taya and a newly bald Jack Evans getting a trios match tonight for three Aztec Medallions (against the Moths) and then a Mundo getting an Aztec Medallion match against Cortez Castro. The problem; while the name on the contract said Mundo, it was in fact Ricky Mundo! There’s comedy, there’s all time great comedy and then there’s the reaction Mundo had to this. Johnny went straight into mope mode after this and did manage to get himself a match next week for an Aztec Medallion. Of course it ended up being against Angelico, so even that was a loss. It’s all losses for Johnny Mundo right now, and that’s even with his “I thought Angelico was done with hospital food” line. You know things are going bad when you crack something that good and it leaves not even a dent. At least he has his hair though, unlike Jack Evans. In just the span of a few weeks, Jack has lost his whiteboard, his hair and now looks like the lead singer of an 1980’s hardcore band. Legit; it’s taken everything in me to keep myself from asking Jack to record a cover of Minor Threat’s “Cashing In.”
Kevin Kross and Rey Escorpión defeated Famous B, Rey Wagner and Texano
Remember how badly Famous B, Rey Wagner and Texano’s week went last week? Yeah, even worse this time. It was like going from House of the Dead to Alone in the Dark during your Uwe Boll movie marathon. Winter, apparently very upset over Texano and Wagner’s inability to defeat Pentagon last week, decided the best course of action was to put them (and Famous) against Kevin Kross and Rey Escorpión in their (respective) LU debuts and, well, this went exactly how you’d think. Just total annihilation by Kross and Escorpión, with Escorpión showing off his great all around game while Kross did everything but grind Famous, Texano and Wagner into a sticky paste. And he honestly may have done that anyway while I was in the other room getting Sweet Spicy Chili Doritos (I had a craving!). The only good thing you can say for the “technicos” in this match is that Rey Wagner was somehow even more likeable working with one arm, which basically did nothing to improve his team’s chances at all. It's gotta be the beard Cotton.
Anyway, Escorpión and Kross finished Infamous Inc. off fairly quickly and then decided to twist the knife into Pentagon a bit by, and this is true, acting like they were going to break Famous’ arm. Fortunately for Famous Pentagon was there and ran off the rudos quickly because no one breaks Famous’ arm but Pentagon. Unfortunately, Pentagon then proceeded to break Famous’ arm anyway because Pentagon Dark is the legend, the whole legend AND NOTHING BUT THE LEGEND! Just because he’s cheered doesn’t mean he’s gonna stop being evil people. Plus it makes sense; Pentagon needed to get a little momentum back after last week’s end of the show beat down and he needed to do it without making Kross and Escorpión look weak when they need to stay strong. Breaking Famous’ arm after Kross and Escorpión looked like the most unstoppable force since 1970’s Francis Ford Coppola was exactly what the doctor needed. Well not for Famous, but don’t worry; he’ll be okay. Trust me; I know the guy who booked this show.
Better Watch Out or the Insects Will Get You
The good news; Marty has a new friend! The bad news; Mariposa definitely didn’t like this new friend and that will lead to sadness later. For now though, we at least got to learn that Marty is done worrying about Fenix and Melissa Santos, he’s now more focused on bright and shiny things like Aztec Medallions and championship belts and his new best pal is future Crash Hall of Famer Eli Everfly, who is so committed to his character that I’m stunned Cronenberg hasn’t made a remake of The Fly starring him. I’d say this was the beginning of a beautiful trio but…well, we’ll get to it soon. Let’s just say for now that Everfly is the best pickup for LU since Escorpión and Kross last week. Trust me; you’ll see why.
Aztec Medallion Match
Ricky Mundo defeated Cortez Castro
Can we safely say this was the greatest squash match that wasn’t really a squash match? I’m serious; this match was 9,000% more fun than I expected given what was aiming to do. The story of this one was Ricky Mundo trying to pull off every trick out of the Worldwide Underground playbook and failing miserably. He tried Moonlight Drive and failed. His End of the World was just a weak split legged moonsault. And don’t even get me started on his attempt to emulate Taya’s running corner knee strike; not since Dalys have I seen that move messed up so badly. The good news is that Ricky was supposed to be messing these moves up and that Castro was in control for most of the match, giving him an unexpected showcase to strut his stuff and show why LU probably should’ve been giving him more to do over the past few years. It may have been even better than his work against Joey Ryan in the 5-0 Street Fight; unlike that match however, he couldn’t walk out with the win thanks to Ricky pulling off the only Worldwide Underground move he could do; Jack Evans’ spider style backslide. Did you know Ricky could do that, because I sure as hell didn’t! In any event, I dare say that this is the biggest win of young Ricky Mundo’s career and holy hell Johnny Mundo better win next week. Imagine if he has no Medallion while Ricky has one? You’ll be able to hear the Palace of Wisdom collapsing all the way from whatever living quarters you’re inhabiting. And if you don’t believe me, then you missed the next part of the show and also the greatest moment in the history of wrestling.
THE GREATEST CELEBRATION IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT!
Ladies and gentlemen I have seen Kenny Omega vs. Toru Yano, I have wasted many a night watching a Chris Rock comedy special; I’ve even seen a grown man satisfy a camel (just kidding. Or am I?!). If this wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, I don’t know what is. This wasn’t Ricky Mundo trying to do stuff his more experienced/refined buddies do and failing miserably; this was Ricky Mundo trying to recreate all the best moments of Johnny Mundo’s Academy Award winning documentary (directed by Taya) from Ultima Lucha Tres and instead coming up with the equivalent of Gus Van Sant’s Psycho. What a moment! I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more and by the time it was over my face hurt so hard that it felt like I had just run into 1980’s Mike Tyson. Ricky Mundo may go onto do great things in his career, but nothing is going to beat him trying to do things like Johnny Mundo’s flaunting and taunting, only to fail miserably. I salute you Ricky; I salute you.
Of course, what made this even funnier was that he did it all in front of the rest of Worldwide Underground and they proceeded to give out the greatest reactions ever. PJ walked away trying to act like he slept through the whole thing. Taya, who had the distinction of being handed Ricky’s glasses after his routine, couldn’t have looked more unimpressed if she was that gymnastics girl who was famous for being unimpressed. Jack Evans broke out an all time great shocked face. And Johnny Mundo only had one thing to say; “Good work kid…now change the name.” Even when Ricky is trying to emulate him Johnny can’t help but try to get him to stop! Classic Mundo. So yeah, this rock, this rolled, it needs to be watched repeatedly and if Ricky Mundo isn’t main eventing Ultima Lucha Cuatro and celebrating with the LU title in the most ridiculous fashion imaginable, then we’ll just all have to assume things went horribly wrong along the way.
Live, From the Boyle Heights Hospital
I guess the opening match wasn’t enough torture for Famous B, Texano and Wagner tonight as our next scene was them being treated in the Boyle Heights Hospital. Seattle Grace this place is not sports fans. Highlights of this included Brenda being Brenda, Famous breaking out “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN TEXANO!” and Texano and Wagner finally realizing that they probably took a wrong turn in life and that they needed out of Famous’ group. Naturally that’s not going to happen, as Famous convinced the bed ridden luchadors to remain with the promise of, wait for it, a new member. That’s right; we now get to see Famous B try to recruit yet another dude into a stable of guys who have the success rate of M. Night Shyamalan from 2004 to 2015. I just wonder who the guy could be. It’s either got to be someone new, or Famous and Mascarita Sagrada are about to re-enact CM Punk and Vince McMahon’s phone conversations since 2014.
Trios Match for Three Aztec Medallions
Jack Evans, PJ Black and Taya defeated Eli Everfly, Mariposa and Marty “The Moth” Martinez
For a match that didn’t seem much more than Worldwide Underground (and Marty) getting some cool stuff in on paper, this match turned out to be an absolute locomotive. Big ups have to go to Eli Everfly and Jack Evans for that. I can see why LU wanted Jeff Goldblum’s doppelganger; not only did he have the character stuff down but holy shit is he great at the high flying stuff, nailing some great crossbody's, some of the crispest rana’s this side of Volador Jr. and adding a dynamic to the Moth’s that hadn’t been there prior. LU couldn’t have scored more with this guy if they tried. As for Evans, well not only was his baldness a highlight, but the dude somehow managed to find a new nickname in Jack “The Exterminator” Evans. Granted him going that route wasn’t shocking at all but still; how can you not love that, especially Jack was flying around himself for the first time since Angelico turned his jaw into mulch? Everyone was good in this overall (it was nice to see Mariposa get a good reaction thanks to her Ultima Lucha exploits), but this match only gets to the level it does with Evans’ usual blend of hilarity and skill and Everfly’s show stealing ability. A really strong effort with the right result (Worldwide Underground winning to put even more pressure on Johnny for next week) and an interesting post match that saw Mariposa layout both Marty and Eli. I’d say this was just usual Moth behavior (remember when Marty betrayed Mariposa last year, only for them to be find a few weeks later) but I don’t know; something seemed different here. Maybe Eli coming into Marty’s life pushed Mariposa over the edge? I could be way off base, but this seems like something to keep an eye on sports fans.
From Open Bar to the Open Road
If not for Ricky Mundo turning into the greatest thing since sliced bread, this would’ve been the biggest and best thing on tonight’s episode. And no, not just because Steve Austin had a cameo as a bartender…okay, actually that was the exact reason because HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE STONE COLD AS A BARTENDER?! Has there been a more fitting role for someone in history, besides James Franco fulfilling his destiny by playing Tommy Wisseau? Sorry Honky Tonk Man; you’ve just been moved aside as the greatest cameo in LU history. It was a good run though.
So anyways, what was Austin doing in this scene? Basically he was serving a down and out Son of Havoc in a biker bar that looked like a cross between The Thirsty Beaver in Smithfield, RI and the Road House from Twin Peaks. We learned some fascinating stuff, like how Angelico likes Apple Martinis, how truly, truly rouge Ivelisse and Angelico have had it over the first three seasons (they’ve legit been injured more times than Cal Ripken Jr. was over twenty seasons) and how despite all of that Son of Havoc still feels like he’s gotten the raw end of the stick. Luckily Austin reminded Havoc that, despite blowing two chances to headline Ultima Lucha Tres, things have gone pretty good for him and that he shouldn’t be giving up now when he’s so close to the mountaintop. And hey, when Steve Austin gives a motivational speech like that, you listen and act accordingly. That’s exactly what Havoc did, immediately getting up, getting on his bike and I presume heading back to the Temple. Hopefully he didn’t have one too many before getting on the bike. Oh, and hopefully he saw that he was being tailed by Son of Madness and another of Havoc’s old motorcycle gang, only we couldn’t see the guy because his head was covered by a Kill Bill style motorcycle helmet. Glad to know that that storyline isn’t over yet. Also glad that I now have yet another dude to do an investigative column on to find out his identity! That’s why you gotta love LU sports fans; they have so many mysteries going on that you can’t just settle on one thing. Good stuff.
That’s a wrap sports fans. I’m off to send some very nasty letters to Harvey Weinstein and play Sonic Generations. I’ll be back soon though. Till we meet again, THIS!