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Lucha Underground Preview: Monster Against the Machine

Updated on May 31, 2016

Put down your Playstation (or X-Box) controllers and pause that episode of Castle; we’re less than twenty four hours away from the next Lucha Underground episode! That’s right; the best wrestling show today will return with a main event that should be so great, even Vader will have nothing bad to say about it. You know what that means. Preview column? Preview column. My goodness I’m acting like a spaz and I haven’t even had a glass of chocolate milk yet! Let’s finish this column so I can get to that. Moses, let thy meme go!

Son of Havoc vs. Daga


What to Expect: Holy intriguing first time match up Batman! Unless I’m mistaken this will be the first ever bout between Havoc and Daga, and if given time I can see this match being a match of the night candidate. You heard me. I don’t want to get over excited for this match but the contrast in styles between the two (Daga’s strong style lucha vs. Havoc’s high flying) is highly intriguing, not to mention that both of these guys are really, REALLY good. Barring this match getting the Joey Ryan vs. Cortes Castro vs. Mr. Cisco treatment this should be a high caliber match loaded with entertainment. And that’s before you take into account that Ivelisse and Kobra Moon will likely be involved. That’s right folks; the Greatest Love Story LU Has Ever Told continues! You’re now all wondering which romance I was referring too.


Winner: I have a gut feeling that Kobra Moon is going to be a huge factor in how this match ends. On the one hand I could see her and her lust for Daga distracting him, thus giving Havoc a chance to pull off the win. On the other hand I could see Kobra sneaking in while no one is looking, attacking Havoc to give Daga the win and then going into another one of those seductive dances she does right out of King of Kings. Let’s flip my Canadian dollar on it shall we, heads the first scenario, goose the second. And…it’s heads! Havoc wins after Kobra distracts Daga, heartbreak and hilarity ensue. Top notch analysis by me there.


Trios Championship Match

The Wyld Stallions (Jack Evans, Johnny Mundo and P.J. Black) vs. Lucha Justice League (Rey Mysterio, Prince Puma and El Dragon Azteca Jr.)


What to Expect: Man the Lucha Justice League doesn’t waste any time huh? Just one week after losing the Trios Championships to Bill Preston Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan’s favorite trios team the former champs are invoking their rematch clause. Let’s hope they come wearing cups this time, less they fall once again to the immortal Jack Evans Dick Kick of Death. And yes, I’ll have that trademarked in the morning.

Not quite the Dick Kick of Death, but still super effective. Drago hasn't been seen since!
Not quite the Dick Kick of Death, but still super effective. Drago hasn't been seen since!

All joking about low blows aside, I see no reason to expect this match will be any less entertaining that last week’s encounter. In fact it might even be better considering the two teams are now used to each other. Thus the biggest question for me isn’t match quality but whether or not this is the beginning of the end for the Lucha Justice League. Those of you who read my Ultima Lucha II card prediction column (all three of you) will know I predicted a certain match between two members of the Justice League, which I also predicted would start based off problems that came about during their attempt to regain the Trios Titles. Well here’s the rematch folks, which means that if something is going to happen to lead towards a Lucha Justice League explosion, it’s gonna be here. So bring your tissues and handkerchiefs folks; it could be a sad evening for those who never wanted to see Rey, Puma and Azteca go separate ways.


Winners: I can’t back off my pick now can I?! I won’t say a full break up happens, but the Lucha Justice League will fall to Wyld Stallions after some sort of miscommunication happens between Rey and Puma. Thus begins dissention, dissention that leads to hate, hate that…leads to suffering! Sorry, had to go Star Wars there. Don’t be shocked to see Fenix get involved here on top of the Justice League shenanigans. Remember, The Man of 1,000 Lives was knocked the fuck out (man) by the Wednesday Night Delight last week, which means he has beef with the Trios Champions that is yet to be explored.


Lucha Underground Championship Match

Matanza (c) vs. Cage


What to Expect: Let’s be real folks; Daga vs. Son of Havoc is really cool and that Trios Championship rematch has the potential to be Backdraft levels of fire. But the most anticipated match of tomorrow night is the titanic clash for the Lucha Underground Championship; Matanza vs. Cage; Monster vs. Machine. Now we finally get to find out what would happen if Godzilla faced the Terminator. And I don’t mean that Terminator from the watered down sequel starring Khaleesi. I haven't been this disappointed with Ahnuld since this masterpiece below.

So what exactly should we expect from this match? Will it be a Matanza-Mil Muertes esq brawl, or will it be something different? Personally I’m saying it’ll be the latter and (hot take alert) it will be better than both Matanza-Mil matches. I know, sacrilege and all that but hear me out. At worst we know this match will be killer on some level, largely because Matanza has been excellent since coming in, both in squashing guys like a bug and going toe to toe with monsters like Mil. What’s going to elevate this match to potential LU MOTY status is Cage. Quietly the man from the 559 has been one of the best in ring performers Lucha Underground has showcased in season two. He’s had great matches with Johnny Mundo; he had a memorable hardcore brawl with Taya; the Trios Tournament match he took part in is still the most entertaining Trios Match of season two; and for the love of all things just last week Cage had the most underrated great match in LU history with Chavo Guerrero. There’s a high level, there’s the highest level and then there’s where Cage is right now. I love the way he’s wrestled this season and I expect this match against Matanza will be his magna opus to this point. Look for this to be violent, loaded with big man athleticism and loaded with fun. If this match is anything less than great, I’ll be more disappointed than when Cristiano Ronaldo robbed Fernando Torres of the chance to win the Champions League Final. YOU HAD ONE JOB RONALDO! ONE JOB!


Winner: Matanza. I mean come on; Cage has done great work and I’d argue he’s as deserving of holding the LU title as anyone. At the same token Matanza has been a really good champ (he’s done so well that “Gamblin” Matt Mortensen has a man crush on him) and at this point an Ultima Lucha II main event that doesn’t feature him going up against Pentagon Jr. would a tiny bit anticlimactic. Thus the Monster will defeat the Machine, though it’ll be close and it’ll take something even more extraordinary than what Matanza did to Mil to put Cage away. Can you tell I’m excited for this one? Yvonne Strahovski could show up at my door in nothing but a Hartford Whalers jersey and I wouldn’t be this excited. And with that I shall now stop lying to myself.


And with that the Shire was saved. No I don’t know why I said that either. In any event I’ll be back tomorrow with a review of this beautiful LU show, as well as some more Euro 2016 talk (you can read part one here!!!!). Till then, a meme my brother picked out. What can I say; I’m in a generous mood tonight.

Like this article? Like Lucha Libre? Like me?! Head on over to the cool dudes at LuchaShop.com, enter in the code LTERIC and get some gear! How chill is that?!


PLEASE CHANGE DISKS TO CONTINUE…

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