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Lucha Underground: Plan B
I know, I know; this LU review was supposed to be out last night after the show was over. Why wasn’t it? I have the greatest excuse ever; World Series. Have you been watching that? I mean it’s no “THE CHICAGO CUBS HAVE WON THE WORLD SERIES AND MADE CULT ICON THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE!” but this was still some premium baseball, at least until last night’s game turned the series into Sunshine; great first 2/3’s, soul sucking ending. At least we did get a proposal that wasn’t ruined by Chris Myers though. The point is, that was going on and I knew I had time today to write and I was all “LU can wait another day.” But it can wait no longer, especially with an episode that gave us even more hints about the direction of this new season, even if it didn’t give us more El Jefe in a coma or Black Terry as Dario’s father. I NEED MORE OF BOTH GUYS! But that’s for next week (hopefully); for now, let’s get to last night’s show. Moses, meme it like the show isn’t fake!
Don’t Kross the Boss
You’re never going to believe this, but the Lord isn’t happy with Agent Winter for getting owned by Pentagon last week. Almost as stunning as Dave Roberts bungling a pitching scenario! The good news for Winter is that he still has two more strikes with the Lord, which means he didn’t meet untimely death when he stepped into the limousine. Instead Winter was given two missions; retrieve the power glove (which if you’re keeping score at home is still so very, very bad) and make Pentagon’s life a living hell by forcing him to defend his title against Texano and Dr. Wagner Jr. in a handicap match. Maybe the Lord should punish himself after that one! Oh, and there’s the fact that Winter apparently has a backup plan if both plans go the way of Steven Spielberg’s Always, and it appears to be in the form of one Kevin Kross. There you go sports fans; finally you can stop wondering what Kevin Kross is doing in LU season four. He’s simply an unstoppable killing machine for Agent Winter and the mysterious lord who is undoubtedly going to be mentioned again before this review is over. Not that I blame Winter; wouldn’t you want protection after Pentagon snapped your arm like a Slim Jim last week?
King Cuerno defeated Vinnie Massaro
The good news for Vinnie Massaro; he made the show, he now has his own entrance (complete with Italian techno music because why not?) and he used a pizza box to try and deflect Cuerno’s awesome suicide dive. I mean it didn’t work but hey; points for originality and trying right? That’s sadly where the good news ends for Vinnie however, as this match was all about good ole Deer Antlers proving he was still all that and a bag of Salsa Doritos in the ring. Speaking of which, that should totally be the next food item Vinnie brings to the ring with him when he wrestles. I mean if he ain’t going to win, he could at least mix up the food stuff right? Better than coming out with nothing and ending up looking like this in the end.
The biggest development from all this wasn’t from the match but the post match. First, it was pretty clear (unless he hid it in his trunks) that Deer Antlers didn’t have the power glove with him. It’s even more clear that Cuerno doesn’t really care that much for the glove; sure it’s a nice decorative piece and he probably enjoys that so many people want it and can’t have it cause he has it, but Cuerno’s main priority remains revenge against Mil Muertes. That’s what happens when you’re wiped out in a Death Match at Ultima Lucha Dos I suppose. Cuerno called Mil out, Mil charged to the ring and we looked like we had the makings of a big rivalry…until Cage ran and attacked Mil instead while Cuerno decided now was a good time to hit the dusty trail. The basic gist folks; Cuerno has the glove and wants to destroy Mil, Mil wants to destroy Cuerno and take the glove and Cage just really wants the damn glove. I’m guessing that means we either have another three way dance for the power glove coming up or Winter is going to force Cage and Mil to fight each other while Cuerno looks on with a grin the size of Canada on his face. Could go either way sports fans.
Trouble in…Paradise? Hell?
Seriously which one is it? Does it even matter? Probably not; all I can tell you is that Catrina, briefly seen with Mil during his brawl with Cage, is in what Ulysses Everett McGill would call a tight spot. First we cut back to right after Ultima Lucha Tres which showed a less than pleased Captain Vasquez (yes, she still lives) reminding Catrina that she’s only getting her mortal life back if she retrieves the power glove. That clearly is still weighing on Catrina in the present day as she and Mil had a confrontation that made Vinnie vs. Cuerno look like a peaceful Saturday afternoon at the Yacht Club. We’ve seen Mil and Catrina have disagreements before but not like this; Catrina was pretty much threatening Mil’s existence if he didn’t retrieve the power glove and Mil was about five seconds away from turning Catrina into mulch. Okay he would’ve been if Catrina didn’t have the power of the stone to control but still; it was touch and go. Maybe it’s just me but I’m getting the feeling these two may be heading to splitsville guys and gals. For the first time ever (I’m not counting when Fenix used Catrina to make Mil a death machine), Catrina and Mil appear to on a completely different page, with Mil’s focus torn between Cuerno and Cage and Catrina’s solely honing in on the glove. Combine that with Catrina most definitely running towards Fenix once she’s mortal again and I fear that Catrina and Mil may become lucha libre’s Brittany and Justin. You know if Brittany was the most powerful woman on the planet and Justin was a cross between Immortan Joe and the Dumpster Monster from Mulholland Drive.
Four Way Match for an Aztec Medallion
Fenix defeated Jeremiah Crane, El Dragon Azteca Jr. and Joey Ryan
Speaking of Fenix, here he was returning to the Temple in what turned out to be the best match of the night. I know; who could’ve guessed that given the names here?! This honestly felt like a match you’d see on an earlier season of LU and it was welcome. The pace was great, Fenix and Azteca were doing a bunch of dives, Crane looked to be picking up where he left off from season three and Joey Ryan hung in there too, though he didn’t have as much to do as the others. The big stories here were Azteca showing off some rudo tendencies (did you see that slap to Fenix?!), Melissa and Fenix being very much together and Crane going hardcore after Fenix because it’s finally dawned on him that Fenix is in fact the love of Catrina’s 9,000 year life. I was a little worried that LU may be pulling the trigger on that feud too soon (Fenix-Crane is an Ultima Lucha caliber match, provided my editor Wayne is there so Crane can spit into his Fenix mask again), but luckily LU had an out in the form of Ivelisse, who returned to distract Crane before Fenix put him away with the Fire Driver. That’s the right result in my book; the right guy gets the Medallion, Crane and Ivelisse can now get their feud going and Fenix-Crane is saved for when Catrina can finally get involved. Really the only negative about this match was that we hardly got any word that it was for a Medallion beforehand. COME ON LU! That’s the sort of issues you’d expect from two nerds fantasy booking a show on the fly.
I’m going to give LU credit for two things here. First, they actually made Texano somewhat interesting here by having him act completely disinterested in Famous B’s inspirational speech. Who knew that all Texano needed, aside from Cage, Johnny Mundo, Alberto El Patron or Daga, was to act like he didn’t care?! Secondly, they got Dr. Wagner’s mask off without trying to top the Psycho Clown match. Nothing was possibly going to come close to equaling the emotion of that so LU went with an approach only they would take; having Famous say that Wagner needed a Brenda style makeover, taking of the mask and then going “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN WAGNER!” as the Good Doctor was revealed to be the most beautiful man in the history of the western hemisphere. Funny, simple and to the point; I liked it! Oh, and the Good Doctor is now known as “The Artist Formerly Known as Dr. Wagner” Rey Wagner. How very “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea” of Famous. Remember Prince Iaukea? Pepperidge Farm remembers, even if they wish they didn’t.
Handicap Match for the Lucha Underground Championship
Pentagon Dark (c) defeated Rey Wagner and Texano
Let’s do some more good news/bad news. The good news; this was easily the best performance Wagner has had in the Temple. Not a high bar to clear when he was working comedy matches with Famous, Mascarita Sagrada and Son of Havoc but still; very good work from the best looking man in lucha libre and he vs. Pentagon would be something I’d like to see again. The bad news is it didn’t matter because Pentagon is an unstoppable locomotive at the moment. The story here was, despite Texano and Wagner working well by themselves, they couldn’t co-exist long enough to work together or even decide which guy would get the win. That allowed Pentagon to maintain control most of the match, dispose of both men via Package Piledriver and yes, break both of their arms after the match. What is with Pentagon ruining everything that comes near Famous B? He’s now broken Famous’ arm twice, Brenda’s arm and now the arms of Texano and Wagner. I think the moral of the story here is Famous needs to stay away from Pentagon from this day till the ending of the world. That or hire a bodyguard of some sort. Maybe this guy!
Whoever Famous gets for that role, it won’t be Kevin Kross. That’s because Kross turned out to be the second of two big reveals once this match ended. The first was Pentagon getting jumped by REY ESCORPIÓN. That’s right; Rey Escorpión has taken the lucha libre world tour and now wound up in LU, leading to me marking out like the Cubs repeated as World Series champions. Pentagon was actually able to survive Escorpión’s onslaught, which got him the reward of being mangled by Kevin Kross and Escorpión instead after Kross appeared by, and this is true, RIPPING DARIO’S (sorry…I mean Agent Winter’s) DOOR OFF ITS HINGES AND TOSSING IT INTO PENTAGON’S FACE! There’s bad assery, there’s ultimate bad assery and then there’s Kevin Kross. And this is bad news for Pentagon; remember those backup plans Winter said he had for Pentagon to start the show? Yeah, Kross and Escorpión are clearly those two guys. Now Pentagon has two different dudes to feud with for the foreseeable future, Kross and Escorpión are immediately established as two top contenders and my goodness was this awesome! The match leading up to all this may not have quite lived up to the standard of the four way (then again, what beats that double jump Fenix tornillo?), but combined with the post match angle this was a great way to end the show.
That’s game sports fans. I’ll be off now to do absolutely nothing of note till I deem otherwise. In other words, I’ll see you possibly tomorrow or Saturday. Till we meet again, THIS!