Lucha Underground Preview: Grave Consequence II: An Afterlife Boogaloo
For Mae, Charlie and Kato Kung Lee. You are missed.
What a day. WHAT A LOVELY DAY! The sun is out in Rhode Island, I stole Willian and Hugo Lloris from Chelsea and Tottenham earlier today in FIFA 16 and best of all there’s only a day left until Lucha Underground returns. Combine that with Leicester winning the Premier League last week and life is pretty good. In fact, on a scale from one to LUGER WON THE TITLE, I’d put life right now somewhere between the “Jessie’s Girl” scene from Boogie Nights, the final four songs of American Idiot and that scene from Dune where Kyle McLachlan made it rain. That’s right; I’m putting that scene above “THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED!” and I don’t care who knows it!
But enough about David Lynch and films where Sting dresses in a metal bikini (big hit with the ladies I hear); like I said, Lucha Underground is tomorrow and it’s kind of a big deal. Whether or not it’s going to be as big a deal as last week’s show, which launched Sexy Star into the stratosphere and even got her an article with Forbes, can be debated. What can’t be debated is that we’ll be getting a Trios Championship match, a triple threat match and the sequel to one of the most infamous match’s lucha libre and pro wrestling have seen the past few years. That’s a card even those Evolve fanboys from Cageside Seats would get into! What are we waiting for? Let’s break it down. Moses; the meme!
Trios Championship Match
Lucha Justice League vs. Ivelisse, Angelico and Luchador Sopresa
What to Expect: You mean other than the grand return of Luchador Sopresa, a talent so great that only the illustrious Vacant stands between him and the mantle of greatest wrestler to ever live? Apparently you can expect Angelico to not be here. That sound you hearing right now is my voice crying out in terror and not going silent. WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN ANGELICO AWAY FROM US EVIL BEING THAT ATTACKED HIM MYSTERIOUSLY?!
In any event, the absence of the world’s most beloved lanky South African means that someone will be replacing him. Who it is I do not know; what I do know is that, barring it being Bengala after another stroll through the buffet line, this match will be bonkers good. How can it not? Havoc is there. Ivelisse is there. The Lucha Justice League has more talent than the Toronto Maple Leafs AND Edmonton Oilers combined. And try this on for size; there’s a better than 70% chance that Ivelisse and Rey Mysterio might thrown down in this match. I didn’t know I wanted to see that happen before the Trios Tournament Finals. Now the only thing I want more is for Nathan Drake and Elena Fisher to live happily ever after. I swear Naughty Dog, if you split those kids up again and don’t put them back together, my wrath will reach Sexy Star in a No Mas match levels. And you don’t want none of that!
Winners: I can’t see Lucha Justice League dropping the belts this soon and I certainly can’t see Ivelisse and Son of Havoc being Trios Champs without Angelico. It be like Castle without Kate Beckett (Dear ABC; NO!). Thus I say the former Trios Champions fall to the current champions thanks to interference from whoever it is that attacked Angelico. Hell, it could be their surprise partner for all we know. As for whom that is? My head says Argenis; my heart is hoping for Flamita or Dr. Wagner Jr. And I say that as someone who doesn’t know if he can handle Wagner and Mysterio duking it out!
Mr. Cisco vs. Joey Ryan vs. Cortes Castro
What to Expect: In perhaps the least surprising development in the history of the western hemisphere, THE UNDERCOVER LUCHADORS EXPLODE! It should be a fun…explosion too. Man that was a poor sentence; like In the Name of the King levels of suck. In any event, the emergence of Mr. Cisco as an exciting talent, coupled with Joey Ryan’s ability to always entertain and the prospect of a Cortes Castro breakout has a lot of potential provided they get some decent time. With this being the opening match, I expect they will. Just please, Cisco, a word of advice; keep an eye out. You just never know who in this match is working for the fuzz.
Winner: I really, REALLY want to pick Cisco to win this one and secure himself a big win to help his growing momentum. And you know what; that’s what I’m going to do. Cisco will get the win AND he’ll pin his buddy Cortes to get it. It’s all part of Cortes and Ryan’s plan to promote The Nice Guys, a film which I’m slowly becoming convinced is based off the investigative abilities of the Undercover Luchadors. If Captain Vasquez and Lorenzo Lamas end up in that film we’ll know the fix was in.
Grave Consequences II: An Afterlife Boogaloo for the Lucha Underground Championship
Matanza w/Dario Cueto (c) vs. Mil Muertes w/Catrina
What to Expect: You may be wondering why I put both El Jefe and Catrina’s names above. Doesn’t it go without saying that they’ll be involved in the Grave Consequences sequel? Here’s the thing; El Jefe clearly stated last week that there would be not one, not two, not three but FOUR coffins at ringside for this match. What does this mean? Not only will there be more coffins than there are LeBron James championship rings but, presumably, it means that not only is the loser getting put in the coffin but their associate/brother/lover is as well. Because why bury one person alive when you can do several? This is precisely why Khan left not just Kirk but all of his buddies to die too!
The burial of two people instead of one aside, what else can we expect from the follow up to what many people consider to be the definitive match of Lucha Underground (well at least till last week)? I’m no genius but seeing as this is a sequel, I think it’s a safe bet that the great Randy Meek’s rules to surviving sequels could predict what happens here. Those rules are;
1) The body count is always bigger.
2) The death scenes are always much more elaborate, with more blood and gore.
3) Never ever assume the killer is dead.
By my count, rule #1 is already guaranteed due to the multiple coffins. Rule #2 seems like an easy bet too considering Mil Muertes is a dude who likes to bite people’s foreheads and Matanza is a dude who has killed multiple peeps (RIP Bael!). As for rule #3…alright I seriously doubt there will be a moment in this match where it appears one of the dudes is dead, but it should at least serve to remind you that only something really definitive will end this match. To sum it up; this is going to be a really, REALLY violent match between two really talented monsters that will provide a lot of blood, a lot of emotion and I’d presume a whole lot of El Jefe and Catrina getting involved considering titles, control and lives (or afterlives in the case of Catrina) are on the line. Whether this match is better than the first Grave Consequences will be interesting to see; I’d say this match will be the Scream 2 to the first match’s Scream. Basically, they’re going to be on equal footing.
Winner: If you thought Matanza was tested the first time these two locked up a few weeks ago, you’ve seen nothing yet. Matanza will be pushed to the brink, he’ll be beaten like you’ve never seen him beaten before and he’ll show some glaring holes for the first time. He’ll also still win this match anyway, dishing out just as much punishment as the former Immortan Mil and ultimately locking him and Catrina away in the casket. There’s two factors here no one is discussing though; will Matanza get an assist from King Cuerno following Catrina screwing him over last week and will someone, say Fenix, arrive at the end to make sure Catrina doesn’t join Mil in the afterlife? Or is it the after afterlife in her case? Whatever the answer to those two questions, Matanza will win, Mil will disappear for a bit, Catrina will either join him or be saved by Matanza’s next opponent and sometime after this match Vampiro will be pouring hot wax on Pentagon Jr. in order to get him ready for Pentagon-Matanza II. Don’t think Vamp is just going to ignore those weaknesses he finds tomorrow night!
And I’m spent. I’m off to read Dune, play a little FIFA 16, work on my masterpiece and viciously stick a pin into the voodoo doll of whoever injured Angelico. The day of reckoning is coming!
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