Lucha Underground Running Diary: All Night Long
To shamelessly steal a phrase from Bill Simmons, I have few rules in life. One of them is this; when Lucha Underground has a sixty minute Iron Man match on the same night the Cubs win 17-0 and I pitch a perfect game in MLB 15: The Show, I have to document it. Thus, you're about to witness my first ever running diary. Hey, a special show deserves a special kind of review. Plus, if I don't do it, Matt Mortensen will never shut up. He won't anyway, but it'll be even worse. You guys don't even know what I'm talking about huh? Let's just begin. ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
10:19: We are coming to you live from the Palace of Cult and it's RECAP TIME! Lots of footage of the Alberto El Patron-Mundo program that started (complete with window shattering goodness), which totally means we aren't seeing El Patron tonight at all. It isn't happening. Yes, I'm being completely sarcastic.
10:26: Did the LU just rip off the Batman: Arkham games music that played during those overhead shots?! Cause I approve if they did!
10:27: Quick music intro before we go to Vamp and "Sexy Rock Star" Matt Striker. And yes, Vamp just called Striker that right off the bat. This is going to be good. Striker runs down the show while I run to get breakfast.
10:29: Both guys are already in the ring as Melissa Santos does the intros. Great shot of them both looking a cross between Batman level focused and Batman level stoic. Man, lot of Batman in these first ten minutes.
10:31: Vamp is losing his mind and the match hasn't even started. Great sign for the show. As Dario Cueto would say, RING THE BELL!!!!!!!!!
10:31: Handshake? Interesting, considering Mundo is a heel. Somewhere, Konnan (on vacation apparently) is shaking his head and cursing El Hijo del Santo for some reason.
10:32: Vamp gleefully admits to watching video of Mundo throwing El Patron through a window several hundred times. It's like he's been shot of three cannons tonight, or Paige just walked by with little or no clothing.
10:36: Mundo was controlling early with the ground and pound, until Puma dials up the speed. Mundo counters, go for a corkscrew dive to the floor, only for Puma to move back into the ring and perform his own corkscrew dive to the floor. Crazy. We're by the way only eight minutes in.
10:39: We come back from break for some near falls from Puma. They battle back and forth for a moment before Puma catches Mundo with a roll up and gets the pin. Puma is up 1-0, and Vampiro immediately gets on Marty Elias for a quick count. Looks like Vamp's in rudo mode tonight.
10:42: Mundo takes control with the ground and pound, followed by Vamp making his second sports reference in a matter of minutes. Have I mentioned I love this guy?
10:44: DAMN! What a boot by Puma, followed by an awesome dropkick by Mundo. Like NBA Jam, we're heating up!
10:45: Johnny Zero chant! Clever work Temple fans. Meanwhile, Puma hits a handspring Diamond Cutter, but cannot capitalize on it. Somewhere, Tony Schiavone is sobbing uncontrollably.
10:46: Mundo grabs the ropes and gets a pin, Vamp applauds it the same way Stephen A. Smith applauds LeBron James and we're all tied up at 1-1. Really liked two things about this; one Mundo immediately getting out of the ring to buy time (great rudo work) and someone (I think Elias) yelling at Mundo, "THERE'S NO TIME OUTS IN WRESTLING!". Yes, we just had an A League of Their Own reference in the Temple. Everything. You've now seen it.
10:49: Mundo still stalling as we come back from the break. I thought he was so well conditioned though! Vamp continues to orgasm over Mundo's cheating while Puma gets a near fall as Mundo slithers his way back in.
10:53: Brutal double head butt on the turnbuckle, stunning Mundo long enough for Puma to hurricanrana him to the floor. It's about this time Striker informs us that there's pretty much no rules, followed by Mundo pulling out a large wooden box from under the ring. Alright then. I'm not mad, I just would've liked Cueto to have announced this match was "ANYTHING GOES" at the beginning. That's right up there with his LADDER MATCH scream.
10:55: SITOUT DEATH VALLEY DRIVER ONTO THE BOX BY PUMA!
10:56: "The violence! The brutality! Matt, I want to hit someone with a chair!" -Vampiro
10:57: Out of nowhere, Mundo grabs a crowbar, absolutely wrecks Puma with it and rolls him back into the ring for the three count. 2-1 Mundo, though it should be 3-1 for him since he just reminded the world of that wonderful David Flair/Crowbar/Daffney alliance.
10:58: As soon as Puma can semi stand, Mundo hits him with the Moonlight Drive, and it's now 3-1. Puma is in trouble, Cleveland Cavaliers style.
10:59: Mother of puss bucket, what a kick! Mundo follows it with the End of the World, and it's now 4-1! Boy, this got bad for Puma quickly. We're either now looking at the first ever iron man come from behind win, a Brock-Kurt 2003 scenario or Alberto returning and accidentally screwing Puma the same way Taker screwed Rock in 2000.
11:02: Mundo, now in full Palace of Wisdom mode, taunts the fans, flexes and goes all Remember the Titans by asking for a water break. Don't you know Mundo?
11:03: The announcers do a great job of selling Puma's beating, wondering if he should just give in. I'm pretty sure Vamp even quoted "Let It Go" during this time. Guys, do you need Aaron Eckhart to spell it out for you? He can't give in.
11:06: What a neckbreaker!
11:07: We're back from break to see Mundo pulling a really, REALLY tall ladder from under the ring. Vamp has now turned on Mundo for his too violent ways, while the Temple is now rooting for him! It's like the Grindhouse Rocky IV. All the more reason you gotta love Lucha Underground.
11:09: Mundo has set the ladder and two tables up near the entrance way. To quote Jeff Goldblum in The Lost World: Jurassic Park, "Hang on, this is gonna get bad."
11:09: Puma is on the table, Mundo is ascending the ladder. Uh oh.
11:10: Puma is up and climbing towards Mundo, who's now on the guardrail. DOUBLE UH OH!
11:10: We're in the crowd.
11:11: Snap Suplex in the stands! Puma the returns to ring side for another table. Man, the Dudley's aren't going to like this.
11:12: Man, the Dudley's really aren't going to like this. Not only did Puma go and get yet another table, but he stacked the two new ones on top of the old ones. We're in TLC territory here!
11:14: Back on the guard rail, Puma tries to superplex Mundo, get this, FROM THE CROWD THROUGH THE TABLES, only for Mundo to block. Not good Puma fans. I'm pretty sure John Cena couldn't come back from being down 4-1 and having just flown through four tables...wait no, he totally could. It's Cena.
11:14: Mundo thrust kicks the fuck out of Puma, who falls to the floor but misses the table, which means only most hope is lost. Mundo then rides the ladder over to the bandstand. Yup, even the band is getting involved now!
11:16: IS HE GOING TO SING?!
11:16: After cutting the best promo of his career (which tells you all you need to know about the Wednesday Night Delight's mic skills), Mundo orders the band to play a song, which sadly doesn't lead to Karaoke Night in the Temple. Best thing about this part; Striker referring to the band's accordion as M. Bison.
11:18: This is great rudo work by Mundo; the stalling, the Fabio esq modeling shoot he thinks he's doing. I understand his offense is great, but how could anyone think this dude was a better good guy than bad? As I type this, Puma is climbing up the ladder, which I'm sure means this will end well for the Shaman of Sexy. By the way, for those of you wondering, yes it's been an hour, and yes, this match isn't even close to being over. The benefit of doing a running diary when you can pause for a second!
11:20: Because he's brilliant, Mundo actually notices Puma climbing up, throws his water on him and then picks up a two by four. Bad news; Puma blocks it, and cracks it over Mundo's head instead, busting Johnny wide open. Best two by four shot I've ever seen.
11:21: We have no reached the portion of the show when the Jeff Jarrett tributes are about to start!
11:22: HOLY SHIT!!!
11:23: Puma, in the ultimate "I Regret Nothing" mode, grabbed Mundo and just flung both of them off the bandstand through the four tables. Hey, you do what you gotta do when you're down 4-1.
11:25: Great, GREAT sequence of Puma struggling to get Mundo and himself back to the ring, before finally finding the strength to roll Mundo in and get the pinfall. 4-2 Mundo. HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE?!
11:27: An unbelievable sequence that saw Mundo and Puma trade punches and clotheslines ends with Mundo missing a kick and Puma putting him away with kick/GTS/modified Tombstone combination. 4-3. Mother of sweet things...
11:29: Man, Striker and Vamp are killing it right now selling the importance of these final few minutes.
11:31: Realizing that his momentum has gone the way of Adam Sandler's career, Mundo pulls a Lesnar and starts to run away, with Puma in pursuit. It's like The Chase, without Charlie Sheen.
11:36: Aside from a brief moment where Puma caught Mundo by the legs, Johnny has eluded him well. Not good for the champ.
11:37: LOL at Mundo using Vamp as a human shield.
11:38: Puma briefly manages to knock Mundo off his feet! But it's not to be, as Mundo moves out of the ring. I feel like an O Brother, Where Art Thou quote is in order for Puma here.
11:39: Mundo heads up the stairs, looks to have it won...and in the most predictable yet exciting outcome possible, Albert El Patron returns to a mega pop and lays out Mundo. Even a day later, I can hear Mortensen's heart break over this.
11:41: Hey, at least the next time someone asks Johnny what happened to his eye, he can say he "fell down some stairs."
11:42: El Patron throws Mundo right below where Mundo Jannety'd him not too long ago. He follows it up with the greatest throw into an announcers booth I've ever seen! It was so good, Striker was nearly halved. By the way, there's a 99% chance this match inspires Vamp to get back into the ring to take on Pentagon Jr. Did you see his face after Patron tossed Mundo like a baseball? It was a combination of "My God, it's full of stars!" the face Roy Batty made when he gouged out Tyrell's eyes.
11:44: DDT TO THE FLOOR! Finally the clock appears to show that we have 4:30 left, which is quickly followed by Puma hitting a springboard 450! 1, 2, 3! Tie game!
11:47: Patron grabs a mic, runs down Mundo, and declares that no matter what, he's going after the LU title. But of course, you already knew that! How on earth did WWE screw it up with this dude?!
11:48: We lock back up with three minutes left! I may have to go dark for this one boys!
11:51: I can't even...
11:52: With seconds to spare, Puma nails the best 630 ever (seriously, he couldn't have caught Johnny more flush). 1, 2, 3. Puma takes the lead, the clock runs out and Puma retains. The crowd gives a standing ovation, Puma uses all the energy left he has to celebrate and I go to pick my jaw up off the floor.
Final thoughts: What the hell do you even say to that? This was like one of those baseball games you watch that never ends and eventually morphs into some sort of epic odyssey. What an unbelievable match from every standpoint. The commentary was great, funny and focused when they needed to be. Kudos to Marty Elias for hanging in there for an hour with Puma and Mundo (we overlook how hard a job that is). And what can you say about the two performers? Prince Puma once again proved he belongs on the big stage, a combination of skill, athleticism and speed that only Angelico and his opponent can match. As for Mundo, well, he was the MVP here for me. His rudo work was riveting, the way he played his character was flawless, his psychology was above reproach here. Dare I say the best performance of his career? I think so. Kudos to both men, kudos to El Jefe for putting this match together and kudos to the creative team of LU for giving us this. A shame we go back to normal next week, when Drago vs. Mil Muertes happens. God, I love the LU.
Alright guys and gals, that's it for me for now. I will now go and lie down.