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Lucha Underground Meets Mad Max: Fury Road
Lucha Underground. Mad Max: Fury Road. Both are two of the best things to happen in the year 2015, and both just happen to be my favorite things that don't involve Pepsi, the Sega Dreamcast or Pizza Pringles (you don't want to know when all five collide). Why am I telling you this? Because I've recently been working on wacky ideas to combine the two into one awesome column. One idea was to do a LU/Fury Road card that put members of the LU roster against characters from the movie. Another idea (given to me by fellow wrestling fan/Fury Road enthusiast 'Plan) was to come up with a story that blended Fury Road's bombastic, epic storytelling with LU's wacky, wonderful world. Those two may come to fruition one day, but for now I've decided to go with option three. What's option three? Why it's me doing a hypothetical scenario where LU is remaking Fury Road and casting wrestler's in the roles of our favorite characters. Exciting? Exciting! So sit back, crack open a cold one and please, don't get offended when Prince Puma, Fenix, The Crew, Drago, Cage, The Mack and good old Deer Antlers don't make the cut. They'll be included in the LU/Tarantino mash up! ON WITH THE SHOW!
Pentagon Jr. as the Doof Warrior
I'm going to make this short and sweet; the Doof Warrior (aka the guy who you see in Fury Road playing the guitar with flames coming out of the axe) is by far the coolest dude in the movie. Pentagon Jr. is the coolest dude in the Temple. What more do you need to know? I'll let you take a few minutes to picture Pentagon handling that guitar like a boss before we move on?
Aerostar as the Satellite
Remember that scene where Immortan Joe's brides and the Vuvalini look up at the sky and see a satellite (or a falling star; you never know what terms mean in Fury Road)? Yeah, that's Aerostar in this remake. Why? I'll be honest; really wanted to include Aerostar into this, and Pentagon just barely beat him out for the Doof Warrior spot. I know, Aerostar would've been pretty boss there, especially if he shot out fire and all like he usually does.
Dario Cueto as the Bullet Farmer
I know, I know, I know; EL JEFE ISN'T IMMORTAN JOE?! BUT HE'S EL JEFE! Now that you've gotten that reaction out of the way (and my CAPS lock is back to functioning), let me explain. Yes, Dario Cueto may be the boss of Lucha Underground, but is he a boss the same way Immortan Joe is? Say what you will about El Jefe being the most diabolical hater in the history of the western hemisphere, but the man gave equal opportunity to every man and woman who walked into the Temple and didn't come across as a megalomaniacal dictator. Thus, he gets to play my brother's favorite Fury Road character; the operatic Bullet Farmer who has a loud charisma about him, thinks the whole situation is ridiculous and mysteriously disappears just when you want to see more of him. He sounds more and more like El Jefe now, doesn't he?!
Mil Muertes as the People Eater
Yet another guy who could be Immortan Joe and yet won't be, which just goes to show you that the person in that role is kind of a big deal. Like, we're talking Jack Nicholson signing on to be the Joker levels of big deal.
Anyway, I know this one has to be a tad more disappointing to some of you, especially considering that my nickname for Mil Muertes is Immortan Mil. Here's why he's just the People Eater though; a) he probably does eat people, seeing as he seems like a zombie and all, b) he's a tad scarier than Vampiro and c) he's more of a follower than he is a leader. Thus, he's the People Eater. By the way, I pretty much just spoiled who will be cast as Immortan Joe. You're welcome. Maybe?
Vinny Massaro as Rictus Erectus
Because why not? Rictus is the loveable, dimwitted guy who you're just happy to see fire a machine gun into the air for no apparent reason. Good old Vinny is the loveable, not as dimwitted LU star who you're just happy to see be in a match where his arm isn't being splintered by Pentagon. Enjoy this Vinny, and just wait patiently for you to be cast as Christopher Walken in the LU/True Romance mash up.
Jack Evans as Slit
Speaking of that future column, here's the guy who would play Gary Oldman's character ("Look what we got here Angelico; a motherfucking Charlie Bronson!"). Let's be real; we had to get the inventor of modern lucha libre in on this, and seeing as the rest of the roles don't fit him, I thought he'd do best as the only War Boy not named Nux that actually matters. Hey, it makes sense; Slit is a funny second fiddle who likes to brag about taking people's boots, Jack is an even funnier second fiddle who likes to brag about beating people in FIFA and Mortal Kombat. Sorry Jack; until we see definitive proof of you schooling Angelico (and no, your drunken master PWG performance doesn't count!), he's still the man, and you're still Slit.
Disciple of Death as War Boys
Can we just all collectively say "duh" and move on? Thought so.
Melissa Santos as Cheedo the Fragile
This may seem like an insult to some, considering that Cheedo a) sounds like she was named after a "dangerously cheesy" snack food and b) was portrayed as the weakest of Immortan Joe's bad ass wives. Not the way I see it though. Sure, we don't know too much about Cheedo and she doesn't appear to be much of a fighter, but she proves she has great strength as the film goes along AND shows that she can be resourceful. Remember when she tricked Rictus into letting her onto Joe's war vehicle to give Furiosa a boost? Smoothness personified. Melissa Santos is very much in the same vein; she's not a fighter, but she can get the job done in different ways.
Taya Valkyrie as The Dag
I know, I know; it's not 100% confirmed that the best female wrestler you haven't heard of (aside from Candice LeRae) has made her way to the Temple. In the words of Dave Chappelle, so the fuck what? My list, my rules! And frankly, I don't think you're going to find someone who fits the role of the strangest, most exotic of Joe's wives than Taya. Plus, for some reason I can just see her nailing all of The Dag's lines perfectly.
Cheerleader Melissa as Capable
Quiet, tough, kind and...capable. I'm disappointed in myself too for that one. But hey, the shoe fits both Capable and everyone's favorite Cheerleader, so let's just roll with it, no matter what the haters say!
Black Lotus as Toast the Knowing
First off, how dope is the name Toast the Knowing? That's right up there with Dion Phaneuf, Danny Drinkwater, Thulsa Doom and River Tam in the great names pantheon I just started at this very moment (for those wondering; yes, Lex Luger made the list). Secondly, I love how these two characters fit. Lotus may never have engaged in combat (at least not in ring combat), but she was always ready for a fight and sometimes so determined to reach her goal that everything else blinded her. Toast is the same way, with the added bonus of her taking a gun right from you if you hesitated too long. Man, I really like this choice here; it's almost as good as the person who decided Christopher Reeve was the right guy for Superman. Who am I kidding, nothing will ever top that. I have proof!
Sexy Star as The Splendid Angharad
This was easier than beating Donkey Kong Country within two hours. Splendid may not be the top female character of Fury Road, but dammit if she isn't my favorite. She's intelligent, she's tough, she's brave even when scared and dammit, she seems to be the most pure of all the characters we come across, Just an excellent character with so many layers, someone just like Sexy Star. Say what you will about her, but that woman is also intelligent, tough, brave in the face of fear and above all else pure. Put that altogether, and it all makes sense to me.
Angelico as Nux
I'll make it simple; Nux starts off Fury Road as a sickly, brainwashed War Boy out for blood who eventually becomes a three dimensional character who finds redemption and falls in love. Angelico started off Lucha Underground as a cocky pretty boy who cared only for himself, only to become a three dimensional wrestler who found redemption (in the form of his Trios team) and falls even more in love with himself. I say it's a great fit. And yes, for this one, Angelico can keep his hair, unlike Evans. The sooner we get that thing away, the better off everyone is going to be.
Catrina as Immortan Joe
That's right sports fans; Immortan Joe is going to become a woman for this LU remake! And frankly, it's the right call. Sure, Mil Muertes may have the physical presence to be the Immortan and El Jefe may be the boss just like Joe is. But let me ask you; who in the Temple do people gravitate to the most? Who, like Joe, is the cult of personality, the person that finds themselves leading an army of followers willing to follow them into darkness/the gates of Valhalla? That my friends is Catrina, unless I've got my powerful women who are the brains behind the Trios and Lucha Underground Champion mixed up. So in the end, I don't care if Immortan Joe was a dude in Fury Road; for the LU remake, he shall be a woman. I can already taste the tears of Men's Right Activists right now, and it's glorious!
Ivelisse as Furiosa
The fiery, ass kicking Furiosa wasn't just the heart and soul of Fury Road, she was arguably the protagonist. Seriously, anyone who says Max was the main focal point of that film and not a major supporting character in Furiosa's quest for redemption/freedom must also believe that Phil Simms is a commentating God. Ivelisse may not have been the focal point of LU's first season, but she was the fiery, ass kicking, baddest bitch in the building heart and soul of it, fighting and clawing the whole season to get what she wanted. Hell, she did it in the latter stages with a broken freakin ankle! I can't see anyone else more fitting for the role than her. In fact, Ivelisse as Furiosa would probably kick more ass than Furiosa did. Which is saying something, because Furiosa is one of the greatest female action heroes ever.
Son of Havoc as Mad Max
Again, let us all sit back, take a sip of our ice cold refreshment, and let out the phrase "duh" when it comes to this selection. Who else could play the legendary Mad Max than the loner from the open road? That right there pretty much makes Son of Havoc the only choice to be LU's Mad Max. There's other similarities though. What's the big thing about Max, besides him being a road warrior searching for a righteous cause? To be blunt, the man always finds himself shedding his loner skin and becoming a hero to a great number of people. That's also Havoc; the man started out as being Ivelisse's bag carrier, then became a loner and then became a man of the people alongside his two partners (Ivelisse and Angelico). Hell, Havoc even wears a mask, just like Max did for the first half an hour of Fury Road. What more do I really need to say?
And that'll do it! Hope you enjoyed picturing what Fury Road would look like with the wonderful cast of characters LU has wandering the wasteland. I'll be back later with another entry in the 201, this time looking at a classic PWG tag match. Till then, let's get a look at Immortan Joe's reaction to this column.
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