LuchaPalooza! Ten Things AAA Must Do Following Triplemania XXIV (featuring Leaf)
For the sake of clarification and my sanity let me start with this; I really enjoyed Triplemania XXIV last night. It was a fun show with no bad matches (including two outstanding bouts), none of the technical/Villano issues of last year and aside from commentary and the Joaquin Roldan jerk off hour was a good time. That doesn’t mean it was perfect though. Triplemania XXIV may have been a fun show but it also should’ve been a better show, and it symbolizes just what’s gone wrong with AAA in the last year since Triplemania XXIII went from suck to blow and Konnan was kicked to the curb because REASONS! So with that I’m here to address the owners of AAA today, Dorian Roldan, Marisela Peña and newest inductee to the AAA Hall of Fame himself Joaquin Roldan. Guys, girl, you need some help turning this ship around and I’m thankfully here to do so. That’s why I’ve come up with ten suggestions for what you guys can do to help make AAA not only a more profitable place but one where fans like myself can actually feel good about watching you more than once a year in August. With that said, why don’t we begin? Moses, a little mood music and a meme to kick us off.
1. Put La Parka out to the gorram pasture. I guess we can say you’re already off to a good start on this one considering you resisted the urge to let Parka win Copa Triplemania last night when everyone expected you to give in. One night isn’t enough though. And please, let the record show that I’m not trying to convince you fire Imposter Parka or to send him out back and Old Yeller his ass (we don’t condone those actions here!). I’m simply saying maybe it’s time to use the dude to put over talent that actually deserves to be put over. I mean come on; the guy was moving and punching last night like someone who lives in a nursing home. I’m cool with legends still being used in top spots if they’re capable, but this man isn’t capable. Let some guys get a win or two over him and move along huh? The child is grown and the dream is gone, gone I tell you! Let’s just ignore I said that last part shall we?
2. Push the younger guys! This goes hand in hand with the first suggestion. Perhaps my math is wrong but as of right now the only AAA main eventers that I would consider to be young guys are Texano, Psycho Clown, Cage and…yeah that’s it. The rest of the excellent young studs you have, be it Pentagon Jr., El Hijo del Fantasma, Aerostar, Jack Evans, Angelico, Daga, Australian Suicide and countless others are either all midcarders or tag team guys, which be fine until you consider that they all collectively form one of the most diabolical rosters since the so called Beautiful. And then there’s Fenix, or there would be if he hadn’t just skipped off to Lucha Underground for good and wanted nothing to do with you because, oh I don’t know, you failed to do anything of gorram merit with him! The point is that maybe it’s time to start pushing these guys into meaningful positions. Look at how well they’re already doing without your help; Daga and Suicide looked like two absolute world beaters in the opener, everyone in the four man tag looked like a star, Pentagon was the most over guy in the building and did I mention everyone in that tag match looked like a star?! How much longer are you going to just let these guys rest on their talent and give them nothing before they want to bolt? You guys love honoring Antonio Peña (and rightfully so) but you forget that the biggest thing he excelled at was knowing when it was time to change the guard, especially in his early days. It’s time again now. Or do you need to see Aerostar, Evans and Angelico dive a hundred more times or Fantasma look like the epitome of a franchise player before it becomes apparent?
3. Actually follow through with Dr. Wagner Jr. vs. Psycho Clown for next year’s Triplemania. Considering no one I know believes this match will happen maybe this is the most important thing you need to do. You have a credibility problem as it is and people will remember this come next year if you end up rolling out Fuerza Guerrera vs. Octagon instead (damn Rob Viper and his funnies). Make sure this match happens. I don’t care if you have to offer Wagner a stake in the company to keep him around, just make it happen. Hell he’d probably do a better job booking the show anyway.
4. Use the Lucha Underground talent more often. You may have noticed last night but the entire Triplemania card was crawling with LU talent despite you guys trying to pass off the six man as the only LU related match. By my count matches 3, 4, 5 and 6 were made up of entirely Lucha Underground guys and overall only two matches on the night didn’t feature anyone from LU (the Apaches vs. Averno/Chessman and the main event). That’s not a bad thing; that’s a good thing! Use these guys dammit. Lucha Underground has one of the best rosters in the world right now and those guys could quickly become stars in AAA with just the right pushing. It's not gorram rocket science here dudes! Or is it?
5. If you’re going to use Lucha Underground talent, actually make them feel like a big deal instead of just dropping them in and expecting the audience to care. This is less about the rest of the card and more specifically about that six man tag match that featured LU exclusive characters and the legendary Rey Mysterio. Of course you wouldn’t know that considering only Mysterio got an entrance while the other five guys merely walked to the ring in silence while Vampiro cut a promo, killing any and all hope of those guys getting any reaction from the fans. Really guys? You’ve got two of the best high flyers in the world, a true indie star in the making and one of the most colorful rudos around and you just make them afterthoughts? How does this help Lucha Underground? Better yet how does it help you, because from where I’m standing it just made you guys look like a cross between Michael Kelso and Pigpen from Out Cold. I get that lucha fans are quieter than some and you probably could’ve done a far better job micing the building but still; what did you think was going to happen? Fans may be smart, but they won’t be smart when you introduce guys from a TV show that hasn’t aired in Mexico for a year, especially when two of the guys in this match hadn’t appeared at the time (and you could argue Marty the Moth too as he was still in the early stages of his development). I know you’ll be rolling out the LU guys again sometime soon so next time actually educate people on them before hand. A five minute video package won’t kill you, unless you’re allergic to film or computers. That actually would explain a lot now that I think of it.
6. That said, maybe you shouldn’t use the Lucha Underground announcing team again unless you’re bringing in the producers to rein them in. Again I don’t want people to take this the wrong way. I love Vampiro in the booth; I normally really like Matt Striker in the booth. I only liked the former last night and loathed the latter, who seemed more interested in getting himself over than anything else. And don’t get me started on Hugo; he may have been better behaved than both Matt and Vamp but he certainly wasn’t more prepared, stuttering more than the red headed dude from Pearl Harbor. This may not have torpedoed the show but damn if they didn’t try, and barring Eric Van Wagenen and Chris DeJoseph coming in to keep the dynamic duo under control they may be better off going with, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, someone like Josh Matthews. Excuse me while I go walk out into traffic.
7. Actually give us a reason to care about what you’re building up. This was a huge problem last night not just for us at home but for the fans in Arena Ciudad themselves. There were only two matches that had any sort of story going into the night; the Apaches vs. Averno/Chessman and Pagano/Psycho Clown, and naturally both those matches had the best reactions. Everything else had nothing; the Copa Triplemania and 4 way Tag Title match were thrown together, Pentagon/Mundo was built up from Mundo pinning Pentagon months ago, we already covered the LU special’s issues and even the Mega Championship match felt forced thanks to the inclusion of Wagner. Who could’ve foreseen the crowd being silent for all of that?! This has been a problem of AAA’s for awhile now and it’s something they need to correct if they want to actually expand. Again guys; what is the harm with a video package for new fans or a little bit more story work for your hardcore audience? These are tiny things that make a big difference. If Vince McMahon can get out of his own ass to do them, so can you!
8. Turn Jack Evans rudo, make him the face of Team Trump and give him the AAA Mega Championship. Or just give anyone from Team Trump the Mega Championship! You know what disappointed me the most last night; Cage walking out without the Mega Championship. Nothing against Texano but there’s only so far you can go with that man as top dog. Meanwhile Cage, or any member of Team Trump for that matter, as AAA Mega Champion has unlimited amounts of potential, especially if they continue to play up the anti-Mexican rhetoric along the way. It’s a no brainer and an easy money maker for you guys, which is nice considering we hear all the time you have none. So you need to totally get on making a Team Trump member top dog. And luckily for you my good pal, Lucha Underground super fan and alienated one time AA viewer Leaf has a suggestion. Leafster?
Leafster: Thanks Cult! I would have loved to have seen Cage as the AAA Mega Champion, especially with the Team Trump gimmick behind him. To be honest though, given how the crowd seemed to barely react to anything last night, I think we should look to someone who is a proven heat-magnet AND would give us one of the biggest betrayals in the eyes of AAA fans. You heard it and I heard it Cult, one of the only things the crowd reacted for last night was the entrance of Angelico and Evans. And again, you know it and I know it, but Jack can be one hell of a heel! In having Jack Evans join Team Trump, you have a betrayal that will shock AAA to its core. Jack has been a part of AAA for almost ten years now, and after his team's loss of the titles last night, now is the time it can be executed!
What Jack brings to the table is, well, in some ways it's about what he doesn't bring. He doesn't have the mass of a Cage or Hernandez figure. That's why he'd make the perfect heel champion for the group. Just think of Joaquin Phoenix's performance in Gladiator, Cult. Phoenix's emperor wasn't the strongest guy but because of all of the power around him, that chickenshit became so much more than he had any right to become.
Picture two of Cage, Hernandez or even El Mesias flocking Jack at all times while the odd one out can join Mundo and Taya. Imagine them holding up pictures of Donald Trump either side of Jack, who, importantly, has now switched to American Flag trunks. The trunks are an important part too. Jack has betrayed AAA; let's strip away his identity more so. Remember how odd you felt when you first saw Chris Jericho walk out in them following years of the long pants. Put Jack in them and he'll look smaller by default, you'll be able to keep adding more to the image of him looking weaker but everything around him looking stronger.
But what is the icing on the cake, Cult? Just think of all of the glorious (GLORIOUSSSSS!) catchphrases Evans will be able to spout off! "I'M THE MOST PATRIOTIC BITCH IN THE BUILDING!" Even better though, the Dragon Slayer needs to become the Illegal Eagle. It's got alliteration, it refers to the illegal immigrants, it's patriotic with the Eagle and I guess it continues the theme of Jack referring to animals within his nicknames. AAA needs an Antagonizing American Asshole and we both know that Jack Evans is IT! Back to you in the studio Cult.
Any questions AAA? I think the only thing left to ask is when are you going to Make Jack Evans Great Again? I’ll see myself out.
9. Build up a young Mexican star to overthrow Evans/whatever Team Trump member at next year’s Triplemania to become AAA Mega Champion. I know I know, you’ve already got the Wagner-Psycho Clown match lined up and ready to go. So what? You can’t have two huge matches? Like Leafster and I just so eloquently put it, a Team Trump member holding the AAA Mega Championship is great stuff and it would be even better with Evans, a man who recently referred to Chicago as Shitcago, running his mouth and essaying the pro American/chicken shit rudo persona as only he can. But you know what would truly be the best thing out of all that? If you had Evans constantly find a way out of trouble for a whole year and then had him get beaten at next year’s Triplemania for the title by the ultimate Mexican hero. It doesn’t matter who it is. Fantasma, Texano, Aerostar, Drago, Fenix (if you beg him for forgiveness enough), Psycho Clown (if the Wagner bout falls through), Daga; hell I’ll even take gorram Garza Jr. if I have to. Any one of those guys could instantly be made a star by beating Team Trump leader Jack Evans, Johnny Mundo, Cage or whoever just because of the heat those dudes would get a champion. And oh yeah; could you imagine what it would do for Pentagon? Good Cthulhu he actually played up being the Mexican hero last night against Johnny Mundo and it was chilling; imagine how it would be if he stood up for the whole country and dethroned the arrogant American villains? There’s money, there’s easy money, there’s El Hijo del Santo vs. Atlantis money then there’s this. Do it AAA. You can ignore everything else on this list if you want, but you ignore this and we can’t be friends anymore. Do it; do it!
10. Book El Hijo del Santo vs. Atlantis in a mask vs. mask match. I’m just kidding. Or am I…