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LuchaPalooza: CMLL Super Viernes Preview (The Go Home Show)
You know what the great thing about LuchaPalooza is? Not only does it include all the big shows but all of the little ones too! That’s why we’re taking a detour from breaking down the big shows and looking into lucha libre’s past to break down CMLL’s Super Viernes this Friday. I guess you could call it important in a way though; it’s only the last Super Viernes before the 83rd Anniversary, which would in affect make this the go home show. Or as Vince McMahon calls it, coasting. Oh wait that’s every show for him these days (I kid, I kid. Or do I?!). But enough unprovoked potshots thrown at our American wrestling overlord, it’s time to dissect the last one before the big one. Moses, meme it like you mean it!
Sensei & Starman vs. Disturbio & Sangre Azteca
What to Expect: I mean…well at least Disturbio is in it? Maybe Starman will be on hiatus again? I got nothing beyond that folks. My guess is this is your standard CMLL opening match where not a ton happens and the most interesting thing is how much Disturbio looks like Mr. 450. I guess more Saiyans got off of Planet Vegeta than previously thought. By the way, why the hell are people from Planet Vegeta called Saiyans? Why aren’t the Vegetians? Am I the only one who wonders about these things?
Winners: When in doubt, go with the rudos. Disturbio and Azteca will gather the dragon balls and slay their opponents with them. I think that’s how it worked. NEXT!
Blue Panther Jr., Fuego, The Panther vs. Fujin, Okumura, Raijin
What to Expect: It doesn’t take long for this show to pick up in a big way huh? Yes this will be over the 9,000th time the baby Panthers and Team New Japan have battled with each other, but when the quality of matches have been as good between the two sides as it has then what does it matter? Plus with these matches it’s less about the fact that they’ve wrestled so many times and more about getting to see these dudes continue to grow. Remember Blue Panther Jr. before this feud? To many he looked like a little lost puppy; now he looks like Channing Tatum after 21 Jump Street. Now that’s improvement right there.
In any event I expect we’ll see more improvement from Junior in this match along with the two Japanese youngsters, all while Fuego and Okumura do things that Fuego and Okumura generally do. The big question here for me is Panther. I’m still pretty high on him, but there’s been plenty of people around the lucha water cooler who have been questioning whether he has made and big improvements since starting out so hot, especially as his brother continues to get better and better. I’d like to see, if not a big performance here, something that captures my attention to some degree. Both Panther and Junior are capable of being really good for a long time and Junior is starting to hold up his end of the bargain. Perhaps it’s time Panther reminds us that he is too.
Winners: Can we get someone to actually tally who has won and lost all these bouts? It’s impossible to keep track which makes this hard to predict. As I picked the rudos for match one though I feel obliged to go with Junior and the gang here. I’m actually hoping that CMLL goes out of the box here and does a finish that builds to a singles match between either Panther or Junior against Fujin or Raijin. Sadly there’s a better chance of everyone collectively realizing Batman v Superman is a cinematic classic than that happening.
Soberano Jr. vs. Hechicero
What to Expect: If you’re looking for a match to sneak into surprise contention for Match of the Evening and maybe even Match of the Weekend, look no further than this doozy right here. You couldn’t have picked two better opponents for a Lightning match than these two. I dare say there’s been very few luchadors performing at the level that Soberano is right now, while Hechicero nearly carried a trios match to greatness last week all by himself. Now the two get ten minutes to wrestle each other?! I haven’t seen someone this stoked since my main dude Skitz discovered Bella Thorne was bisexual. He’s re-enacting the “are those sad tissues or happy tissues?” scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall with his pops right now because of it.
Winner: Us. We all win. No one loses. This will be that fun. But just for the sake of argument I’ll go with Hechicero taking the match here. I’d actually prefer it be Soberano because the dude could use a huge win to get him moving up the card, but a loss won’t hurt him either. This isn’t Luciferno vs. The Panther, where I tried to storm Paco Alonso’s house and ended up falling into a moat full of alligators dressed like Blue Demon Jr. That reclusive bastard is a monster I tell you!
Euforia, Gran Guerrero, Rey Bucanero vs. Golden Magic, Sharlie Rockstar, Súper Crazy
What to Expect: HUZZAH! Sharlie Rockstar and his comeback tour are returning to Arena Mexico this Friday and he couldn’t have picked a better match to do it in. Once more Rockstar will align with fellow Elite stalwarts Golden Magic and the now EEEEEEVILLLLLLL Súper Crazy in order to continue building towards the titanic hair vs. hair battle between Crazy and Bucanero. As for Rey, he’s reuniting with some old friends in teaming with Euforia and Gran Guerrero. I guess UG is still smarting over their break up from a few years ago to make an appearance in this one. In any event the only thing that concerns me here is the alignments. Bucanero is clearly the technico of the feud with him and Crazy now, only he finds himself teaming with two dudes who are pretty clearly rudo while Crazy is siding with two exciting guys who are leaning more towards the technico side. I’m so confused! If they manage to get that whole situation sorted and allow Rockstar and Magic to go crazy like they did in their previous Super Viernes matches this one should be quite fun. Really anything to continue the Sharlie Rockstar renaissance we all deserve and need right now is the win, the whole win AND NOTHING BUT THE WIN!
Winners: Bucanero won last week and if I were a betting man he’s winning next week too. Thus my pick is Crazy, Magic and Rockstar after Crazy sneaks in a foul and a roll up. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to day dream about what a Bucanero vs. Sharlie Rockstar hair vs. hair match would’ve been like. Does that make me a bad person? WHO CARES?!
Pierroth, Rey Escorpión, Rush vs. Máximo Sexy, Shocker, Terrible
What to Expect: For the first time since the opening match us lucha fans are forced to stop, take a deep breath and go OOOF! Come on CMLL; why must you subject us to a match that features both Pierroth AND Shocker once more? Do you hate us? Do you hate yourselves? Is it both? Why am I asking this question when we know all it will lead to is us crying in the corner while Paco Alonso counts $100 bills, cackling like Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes.
Now you may be saying “Cult, what’s there to worry about? Rush, Máximo, Terrible and Rey Escorpión are involved!” That’s true and it’s also true that all four of those guys are pretty damn excellent. On top of that we’ll also probably get another really cool Los Ingobernables entrance like we got last week. That’s cool. That still doesn’t take away from the fact that two dudes who actively cannot reach a quality of performance better than mediocre will be involved in this match and likely way more than they should. Unless they are both made background characters for the all match while Rush, Escorpión, Máximo and Terrible go to work than this match will just be merely okay instead of really good. Blast it all. We couldn’t have gotten Atlantis or Star Jr. to take Pierroth’s place while Mephisto stepped in for Shocker? Come on Paco!
Winners: Ingobernables won last week and to be frank I see no reason why they shouldn’t win this week. Maybe my Shocker hate is just clouding my judgment though. Either way Rush and the gang will take this in three falls and hopefully this is the last time CMLL decides to put Shocker and Pierroth in the same ring with each other ever again. Now that I’ve said this it will lead to them having a 30 minute match to close next week’s Super Viernes, an event that will lead to me becoming the first man to survive drinking two cans of bleach.
Carístico, Dragón Lee, Mistico vs. La Máscara, Negro Casas, Último Guerrero
What to Expect: I know what you’re thinking here because I’m thinking the same thing; please let these guys get twenty minutes and three falls, please let these guys get twenty minutes and three falls, please oh please Cthulhu give these guys twenty gorram minutes a three freakin falls! Oh and also keep Negro Casas in this match; I love Mr. Niebla and his gigantic fro as much as the next guy but he can’t give you what the GOAT can here. If Casas stays in and CMLL allows this to go three falls with plenty of time this match will be beyond the pale. I understand you want to protect your Anniversary Show main event and may want to play it safe but do you see the talent in this match?! Come on Paco. Let Carístico and Mistico cut loose with UG and Negro while Lee and Máscara do what they’ve done best the past few weeks and whip the ever loving piss out of each other. Give this twenty minutes to do that and I guarantee you the Anniversary Show will have more hype going in then it will if the match goes two falls and features Máscara sneaking in a dirty win. It won’t be bad, but he can just as easily do that in the third fall after a gangbuster of a match.
Winners: I said in my review of Monday’s Puebla that Dragón Lee’s win in trios match over Máscara allowed for the rudo to gain his revenge here. Of course he did unmask Lee to cause a DQ, which isn’t a traditional victory, and the two will be tangling again on the next Puebla which means all bets are off here. I’d say CMLL still plays it safe with more eyeballs on Friday than Monday and gives Máscara the victory via cheapness, followed by another Lee victory on Monday via Máscara’s diabolical ways. Again whatever works; all I ask for is twenty minutes and three falls. Give me twenty minutes and three falls or give me…something else? Should’ve thought that one through there.
We are done here boys and girls. Fear not for LuchaPalooza will continue tonight with a Lucha Tribute for one of the most important men in modern lucha libre. Till then, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Sorry, was singing The Breakfast Club song there.