NBA Draft Lottery 16 Running Diary: Or How My Computer Crashed During the Most Boring 30 Minutes of the NBA Season
I’ve made many a stupid decision in my time. Tonight was one of them, when I decided to do a running diary for the NBA Draft Lottery. So what if the thing is as dull as Hayden Christensen I thought? You can make an interesting, silly, perhaps even fun with a running diary. Boy was I wrong; not only did the lottery drag like the final half hour of Return of the King, but my own computer didn’t want to watch this thing. The machines are becoming smarter than us after all! Alas, I promised you all a running diary and thus you get a running diary. I can at least guarantee a funny line from Mitch Kupchak!
7:56: We are coming to you live from the Palace of Cult. There’s homemade mac and cheese in the oven, a glass of chocolate milk soon to be by my side and that stupid Corona Light commercial where the can escapes from its overlord is on. My God this is going to be a long half an hour.
7:58: Lakers fan Matt Mortensen; “Come on #1!” Poor bastard; trusting that Kupchak and Jim Buss to do the right thing with a top two pick!
8:00: We are live at…wherever this shindig is to see Karl-Anthony Towns, Jim Buss’ puppet Mitch Kupchak and Sixers coach Brett Brown. We quickly go to Mark Jones (great) and Jay Bilas (hysterically great). The fact that Jack Evans has had his mouth wired shut and Bilas is still allowed to speak is a travesty and proof that there is no higher power.
8:01: Heather Cox was granted special clearance into the room where the lottery balls are picked to explain the boring ass process of how this whole thing works. She’d be better off just yelling out “IT’S RIGGED” and then running off quickly before NBA officials can catch her.
8:03: Mark Jones muses about the horror of team executives being without their phones for an hour while the lottery takes place. Hey, nothing more sympathetic than millionaires/billionaires being unable to text amirite?
8:05: Heather Cox is interviewing…wait, Brandon Ingram is actually there?! Did he really not have anything better to do tonight?
8:05: As Bilas breaks down the rest of the prospects not named Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram, allow me to go on a tiny rant here; why is there any debate about which of these two should be the number one pick? How can it not be Simmons? I understand that he didn’t light the world on fire at LSU but a) that team was The Number 23 levels of bad and b) their head coach Johnny Jones often looked like a cross between Grady Little and the guy who was coaching Rutledge University in the cinematic classic Flubber. And he STILL basically averaged 19-11-5 on 56% shooting. If that’s how he is while half assing it on a putrid team, I can’t imagine how good he’ll be on a well coached unit. The lesson as always; sometimes having so much time to break someone down can be a bad thing. Somewhere, everyone who doubted Andrew Wiggins prior to the 2014 NBA draft is nodding sadly.
8:10: My rant is finished in time for ESPN to come back from commercial so they can talk about the Lakers. Now’s a good time to grab that chocolate milk!
8:14: I missed a few of the representatives being announced getting my food. The ones I caught; Towns for Minnesota, Devin Booker for the Phoenix Suns, Isaiah Thomas for the Celtics, Kupchak for the Lakers and Brown for the Sixers. You gotta think the Wolves have the karma advantage here with Towns right?
8:15: Kupchak gets interviewed by Cox and inexplicably says that the Lakers will get the #1 pick next year if they don’t get it this year. That’s right Lakers fans; that’s your GM basically saying that your team is still going to be shit next year despite the fact they have more money than Chelsea F.C. to play with in the offseason. Are we sure Sam Hinke hasn’t possessed Kupchak Faculty style? I want an investigation launched dammit!
8:16: Wait, are we announcing this already?!
8:16: Never mind, it’s a commercial. The moment everyone’s life changes will be after some poor product placement. Seriously, what happened to commercials? Did we just put Michael Bay and Uwe Boll in charge of them?
8:30: The most unbelievable of events just happened; right as Mark Tatum started announcing the order of the draft, my computer crashed. Like NASCAR crashed. Even it apparently had no interest in the Draft Lottery! Here’s what happened in between then;
1) The Suns ended up with two lottery picks (4th and 13th thanks to Washington falling out of the top ten).
2) Kings center Willie Cauley-Stein choosing to not give a single solitary shit about the process. The highest of comedy.
3) Absolutely nothing! Against all odds, this lottery ended up playing out exactly how one would expect. I mean it; EVERY PICK WAS IN THE PREDICTED ORDER! Yes, that means that the Philadelphia 76ers will get the number one pick, while the Lakers get #2 and the Celtics get #3. We now go live to Matt Mortensen’s reaction.
3) Being interviewed by Cox after his lottery victory, a thankful Brett Brown proceeds to sing the praises of Joel Embid and Dario Saric (two guys who have played a combined zero NBA games) while failing to say anything at all about Jahlil Okafor or Nerlens Noel. If there's such a thing as the anti-endorsement, what Brown just did was exactly that.
8:44: That might’ve been the most boring draft lottery in the history of the western hemisphere. Holy crap; there were no surprises, no real tension and the most interesting things in the process involved a representative almost falling asleep and Brett Brown all but announcing Okafor and Noel were on the trade block for Philly. So much for the days of the Draft Lottery being basketball’s version of the JFK conspiracy. Oh well; at least the draft itself will be entertaining as always (especially if the Sixers take a big man for the fourth consecutive year) and we’ll always have Mitch Kupchak announcing to the world that the Lakers “will get the #1 pick next year if they don’t get it this year.” You can’t beat that level of stupidity.
8:45: Scratch that; here’s Stephen A. Smith proving you can.