Never Say These Ignorant Things To NASCAR Fans
Are YOU . . .
one of those people who sometimes stare into space, or out of the bay window in your living room, sigh and remark, "ahhh, just what is the meaning of life?"
Don't beat yourself up. I've asked this question many times. So have brilliant scholars, philosophers, scientists and ministers, all getting virtually the same results: Nothing. Just a universal-mystery that has plagued thinking mankind since the dawn of early man. And probably always will.
But in the months prior to this story, I think that "I" may have stumbled upon, what I think to be, a clue as to "what is the meaning of life," question. You wouldn't believe where I found it. At the Talladega Super Speedway in Talladega, Alabama. That's not a typo, friend. But a true fact.
Typical Sprint Cup pre-race meeting
The Talladega Super Speedway is famous for being "the fastest speedway in the world," for those modern-day "warriors in chariots painted with millions of dollars in sponsor's names," doing battle each spring and fall for the coveted Points Chase Championship that will prove very-lucrative to Sprint Cup legends such as Jimmie Johnson; Jeff Gordon; Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Tony "Smoke" Stewart.
It's battle that starts in late February at Daytona and lasts until early November leaving some drivers in the dust and millions of dollars in-debt. Still, Spring Cup Racing is rated higher than the NBA, NFL and in some markets, Major League Baseball with the throngs of fans who come to each race fully-prepared with individual fan gear, well-stocked cooler, and a spirit that no man or machine can tame. That sums up my personal analogy of Sprint Cup Racing.
"Uh, oh! Trouble on turn four . . ."
So what does all of this history of the Talladega Super Speedway, Sprint Cup Racing and the millions of fans who support this sport? Plenty.
If you are looking for the true meaning of life, I suggest that you (and a paid body guard) attend at least two of these races, especially when the July sun beams out temperatures exceeding 102 degrees on screaming fans who are there for two reasons: to see "their" driver win and party like the end of time was on the ensuing Monday.
There are easy-adjectives that anyone can use, (who "have" attended a Sprint Cup Race), to describe the colorful fans of NASCAR, and I am no exception. But I want to be honest, and as respectful as possible.
The fans of NASCAR and Sprint Cup Racing are "real" people. Men and women alike. Tough as nails. Harder-working people you will not find anywhere. Plus they are true, blue, died-in-the-motor oil, Americans through and through. People who you do not want to cross. At the racetrack or outside in the parking area.
NASCAR fans are always full of pride. Ready to stand-firm for whatever they believe is the truth. And fight to the end to defend whomever is with them in their beliefs. To me, that "is" the first clue to the "real meaning of life," taking care of each other, banding together even when a segment of the group may be a bit weaker. "Real life" happens on any given Saturday night or Sunday evening when the "Sprint Cup Drivers" are in town. You can bank on this being true.
The only feasible advice that I can lend to you if you take my advice to explore the "meaning of life," at a Sprint Cup Race, is found in the headline to this story . . .Ignorant Things You Never Say to NASCAR Fans,"and if you follow this one, simple list, and keep your mouth shut, you will have the time of your life.
But, if the renegade, daredevil spirit in you should want out and you really have a "death wish," then go against what I am telling you NOT to say to NASCAR fans and I wish you a lot of good luck with that move.
FAIR WARNING: saying one or all of the things on the list below, may lead to a rough physical encounter with one or more NASCAR fans who do not communicate that well when angered. And the guys are even worse.
"do you mind drinking that beer somewhere else?"
"Dale, Junior? What a wimpy name!"
"hey, fella! I don't want to hear that profane talk anymore!"
"Do you mind sitting down? You are in my line of sight."
"miss, what porno film are you starring in?"
"Suds? What a sissy name for beer!"
"is that rattlesnake tattoo for real?"
"my grandmother could be that Gordon fella!"
"why don't you make me shut-up!"
"guy, are you what is known as "white trash?"
"I bet without that bellyful of beer, you aren't so tough."
"I do wish you and your buddies would sober up!"
"do you want me to call security on you?"
"what's that odor? Oh, it's your girlfriend."
"that girl without a top dancing on the top of that RV needs reported."
"Where am I from? Where civilized people live. The north."
"with language like that, I can see why you lost the Civil War!"
"how'd you get tickets to this race, your unemployment check?"
"fella, you need to calm down. Hey, I can sing a song from a Broadway musical for you."
"I am against public drunkenness."
"hey, I've already warned you. Stop with the cursing or I will be forced to get rough with you."
"do you like ballet dancing?"
"why did you show-up wearing those ragged shorts?"
"a real man wouldn't drink like a fish."
"is your girlfriend house-broken?"
Racecar driver, Kenny Wallace
FOLLOW THE THINGS ON "THIS" LIST AT A
SPRINT CUP RACE AND YOU WILL LIVE TO
TELL YOUR GRANDKIDS WHAT A BIG TIME YOU HAD:
- Keep your mouth GLUED-SHUT at all times, except for yelling for whatever driver the meanest, biggest group of NASCAR fans are cheering for.
- DO NOT wear clothing with wording or photos that might attract a rowdy man who is looking for a reason to beat someone up because his driver is starting from the back of the field.
- NEVER make eye-contact with ANY girl seated or standing near you. For any reason. She is probably with her man, a retired Marine who works as a freelance bouncer at the roughest clubs in Georgia.
- If you must talk, always be super-complimentary and never argumentative.
- Always say "Pro-Southern" things. Never brag on the North for winning The Civil War.
- If a drunken NASCAR fan spills beer on you, DO NOT OVER-REACT. Smile and say, "I needed that. It's awful hot out there. Thanks."
- If a drunken NASCAR fan yells at you, "you want me to come over there and whip your butt?" Your reply should be, "no, sir. I am moving to another section."
- If an angry, trouble-making NASCAR fan or fans encircle you and want to beat you up, go into your "fainting act," and hit the concrete. The ambulances are equipped with televisions, so you can enjoy the rest of the race from there.
- If a male NASCAR fan accuses you of coming-on to his girlfriend, don't start a fight, but offer to walk all the way to the concession stand and buy him and his girlfriend a half-case of Miller Lite.
- If NASCAR fans sitting around you start making fun of what you are wearing, do not show any anger. Just smile and tell them that this was all that the mental hospital (where you are a resident) had for you to wear.
and MY FINAL AND BEST SURVIVAL TIP:
Do NOT. Under any circumstances, DRINK ANY ALCOHOL, beer, whiskey, tequila or vodka. Remember, "sharp wits will keep you from being stomped in pits."
Have fun learning about the "real meaning of life" at a Spring Cup Race and I hope I don't see you on ESPN's Worst Sports Events of The Weekend.