New Bodily-Parts Celebrations to Appear in a College or Professional Sports Contests
The soon-to-be banned "End zone Dance"
There just has to be a hidden chemical-reaction, or maybe a leprechaun behind a magic bush who is casting spells on our overly-paid pro-athletes that make them do strange, unexplainable body-gestures while in a football, baseball or basketball contests.
The same hidden chemical-reaction or a second-cousin of the hidden-leprechaun casting spells on the professional athletes causing them to exhibit strange, mysterious body-gestures, must have either rubbed-off on, or has found some technical avenue through average guys’ 52-inch plasma on any given “Monday Night Football,” “Saturday Major League Baseball,” and the always-festive, “National Basketball Association,” giving these writhing-sports fans with a 244-game season . . .for if you will think about it, the pro’s as well as the “Average Joe’s,” down the street who love sports exhibit the same asinine, self-promoting, bodily-celebrations when a score, a run, or basket is scored.
It’s all about a bump. Not a goose bump, a bump on the head, a bump on a log, but a regular, old-fashioned American bump—on the fist, chest, and butt.
Then you fans who are burned-out from all these bumps, we present the glorious “High Five,” an uncomplicated gesture of two or more people who stand-still or jump like kangaroo’s into the air and let their open hands meet with a “clap,” signifying a victory over their opponents.
If these gestures aren’t enough, you can have your choice of “End zone Dances,” by most overly-paid stars of the NFL. But someone with power or high-influence got the ear of the NFL Commissioner, Roger Godell, who put a stop to “needless celebrations,” as well as taunting an opponent by crazed-Amazon Native-dancing with legs opening and shutting as if they are reincarnated Flappers from the Roaring 20’s.
Yay, Roger Goddell--for your common-sense and fair-play. And for putting a halt to these childish-celebrations that mostly-lead to bloodshed and fisticuffs. Who needs these distractions anyway?
Physically-speaking, I do not feel like going into a lengthy, book-length rant about “Bumps,” “High-fives,” and “End zone Celebrations,” so here I stop my colorful introduction to a sensible, solid idea I had on the night of June 1, 2014, around midnight.
If the sports-public and wide-eyed fans have been so accepting of these “Middle School Playground Celebrations” exhibited by the athlete’s body parts, then why not take a little time to create a new wave of college and professional sports celebrations with a zing, and something to talk about that evening when the last beer is chugged?
And . . . as my contribution to putting a stop to this silliness on the field, baseball diamond and hardwood, I proudly present,
“New Bodily-Parts Celebrations Appearing in College and Professional Sports Contests."
Miami Dolphins, Ryan Tannehill, slaps the butt of wide receiver, Mike Wallace, to show his appreciation for a nice catch
The over-used "Fist Bump"
"Chest Bump" being practiced
A tame "End zone Dance"
See how the "High Five" has infected these young soccer players?
History being made in print
Nose-rubbing – would be a more-civil way to express a victory or points scored. And it would salute our friends, the Eskimos, who love a good pro-football, baseball, or basketball game as much as the next guy.
Military saluting – this is where the player who just scored a valuable touchdown, simply stands “at attention,” and salutes first, his teammates and coach, then the fans. What a great idea to bring back the American spirit to our sporting-events.
Choreographed Butt-Bumping – will be an instant hit. When a pro baseballer hits a grand slam and runs the bases, the other members of his team, one at a time, run backwards, jump like an antelope and bump the butt of the “Homerun Hero.” What fun.
Shin-saluting – is on the border-line of being dangerous. The pro point guard who scores the winning basket runs wide-open toward his teammates who are running wide-open as well and they all stick their right shin into the air and slam their shins together to celebrate another World Championship. Oh, there would be this stipulation: Players with weak or surgically-replaced knees are forbidden to participate in this practice.
Hand-shaking – yes, it is time for men to be men. And women to be women. A simple-but-sincere handshake with the winner is just “the shot in the arm,” (oops, a sports medicine pun) that college and professional sports need. That’s it. A simple handshake. No frills. No confetti and no ugly butt of the super-star athlete mooning the crowd when he catches the winning pass to win the game.
Forehead crashing – it may sound dangerous, but is not. The player making the points just walks up to his teammates and they in-turn crash foreheads with each other—not so hard as to cause a concussion, but hard enough to say, “We are pro athletes. We are tough.” The network carrying the game will “eat this up” like hungry hunting dogs returning from a coon hunt on any Georgia Saturday night.
Feminine respect – women’s pro tennis needs a new way for the winning and losing player to show each other the mutual-respect they deserve. Both players meet in the winner’s side of the tennis courts, fold their hands palm-to-palm and bow to each other—just like in the Orient. Then with the bow finished, they stand-up straight, put their arms out to each side and then walk slowly toward each other and clasp each other’s hands. The pedigree tennis fans will get strangled on their imported tea at this new gesture.
Donkey-kick – will, by itself, revolutionize sports celebrations all over the world. But an athlete has to be in great shape to pull this one off. After winning the game, the player gets on all-fours and kicks his legs into the air while braying his or her best donkey bray. Then his or her teammates will each stand behind this celebrated-player and let the player donkey-kick them to the ground. Do not worry. It is not a dangerous gesture because the player doing the kicking will be barefoot. (This one will be perfect for the game of soccer).
Player/fan celebrations – are safe and accepted. In every sport, a player who scores a point or wins the game, will run wildly into the stands—hugging and kissing each fan he sees. Even the fans of the losing team. This will keep good sportsmanship intact and will not ignite fan and player brawls.
I didn’t leave the pretty cheerleaders out of the “Victory Celebrations Game.” What I propose is for the cheerleaders for the team whose player has just scored the go-ahead touchdown, run, or basket, to strip-off their tops and do a few minutes of interpretative dancing, namely, a “Salute to The Pole Dancers of America,” who never gets any celebratory appreciation from anyone.
Just those dirty ones.
My sports celebration: "Rising from my recliner and yelling, 'Alright, Bama!"
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