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News and Notes from CMLL Puebla
You've probably noticed there haven't been as many CMLL reviews from me lately. There's a reason for that and no, it's not just cause the shows suck. Alright that's part of the reason, but not all of it; the main reason is that I get so bored taking notes for the column (especially during shows like tonight which are lame as hell) that I end up giving up because it doesn't feel worth it. After all, why put effort into reviewing a show that CMLL put no effort into making good? With luchablog out of town however and no one else likely willing to review the shows, I decided to give it a go this week with a twist; instead of doing notes and then posting a column, I thought "why not just post the notes?" So that's what I did and I think this review will be the better for it; my notes are generally even funnier than my columns in all honesty. So with that, let's not waste any time, especially since I gave Moses the day off! Weird toys, take it over.
Lestat, Rey Samuray, Tigre Rojo Jr. defeated Fuerza Chicana, Perverso, Policeman two falls to one
-This match is one Fuerza Chicana replacement away from giving this match. On the plus side, REY SAMURAY BABAY!
-Do the Mexican police know that Policeman is still moonlighting as a shitty luchador? I thought they put a stop to this when Espiritu Maligno took his hair months ago.
-Lestat and Policeman are captains. Would you believe me if I said I called Policeman as captain before it was announced?!
-The captains will start…with chain wrestling. I may pick up my Harry Potter book before this is over.
-Lestat is trying to make this work. I remember when I tried to make things work once…you know let’s just move on.
-REY SAMURAY IS IN…and so is Fuerza Chicana. Excuse me while I go stare in a mirror and cry.
-I was so grieved with the situation that I decided to have a conversation about a towel with my brother than watch Samuray be forced to carry Chicana. I will now resume trying to care.
-Perverso and Tigre Rojo have arrived to add some dignity to the proceedings. And speed. Can’t forget speed.
-Arm drag by Samuray. Chicana slaps him, but Samuray drops him with a Wasteland and a super cool springboard split legged moonsault. Later Chicana! Rojo then taps out Perverso and its 1-0 technicos! Good finish to an otherwise comatose first fall.
-Lestat and Policeman are back to start fall two. Joy.
-Lestat just hit a hurricanrana, only for Policeman to immediately get up and elbow him. Lestat thankfully recovered quick with a crossbody arm drag off the top to send Policeman to the floor. ENTER REY SAMUARY!
-Seriously, who did Samuray tick off to draw the Chicana end of the straw?
-Samuray does some cool stuff, nearly slips on a springboard arm drag but saves himself and hits the move. That’s why he rules! Naturally the rudos are now ganging up on him because life is a vicious life sucking jackass for which there HOLY CRAP CULT WHAT ARE YOU TYPING?!
-I tuned this match out for five minutes during the rudo beat down; amazingly the fall didn’t end till now. Policeman nailed Rojo with a top rope splash while Chicana used Devil Wings on Samuray to tie it up. This match is threatening to put me asleep before 11 for the second straight evening.
-Policeman is biting Lestat’s ass on the ramp to start fall three. This is better than sleeping spills sports fans.
-This is…this is…this is…
-Naturally the technicos finally started a comeback…and the match ended five seconds later. Highlights of this included Rey Samuray having a rare botch (poor guy) and an excellent finish which saw Lestat and Samuray hit Swanton’s off the top rope while Rojo hit a 450. Technicos win! A lone miracle in a match that otherwise nearly sucked the soul right out of me. All three technicos deserved better.
La Comandante, Reyna Isis, Tiffany defeated La Vaquerita, Lady Maravilla, Sanely two falls to one
-LADY MARAVILLA! There is mass swoonage in the Palace of Cult right now.
-Vaquerita and Tiffany are captains. I’m actually interested in this match, if only because Maravilla is in it AND because I want to see if Reyna Isis has actually improved or if Marcela has only made it seem like she has.
-We’re gonna find out quick as Reyna begins with Vaquerita. Interesting choice of matchup by CMLL, and not in a good way.
-Just like the Director’s Cut of Novecento, this mat sequence will not end.
-UNTIL IT DOES! Sadly Tiffany has now replaced Reyna, and Vaquerita is eventually replaced with Sanely. A cold chill just ran down the ring rope’s spine.
-Nice springboard arm drag by Sanely and MY GRODD SHE HIT THE RING ROPES RIGHT TWICE IN A ROW! Did I fall asleep already?
-Sanely does her strip tease pose, only she’s in a tracksuit with nothing on underneath and doesn’t strip. A big loss for all perverts everywhere.
-MARAVILLA! She’s in with Tiffany and was schooling her till she took a sitout double chokeslam. Time for the ruda beat down.
-Ah yes; the classic finish where the rudas look away while Maravilla rolls up Tiffany and steals the fall. Gotta love it. 1-0 technicas, which is pretty much the only exciting development of this fall thus far.
-Reyna and Vaquerita are back in to start fall two, with Vaquerita hitting the worst rana in the history of rana’s. Arkángel dreams of doing a move that badly I tell you.
-Rudas quickly take control again, leading to a Comandante stink face. Yes I am wondering what I did to deserve this, thank you very much.
-WHY IS THIS FALL STILL GOING ON?!!!!!!!!!
-Tiffany channels Shocker to tap out Tiffany. We’re tied. This match is the most I’ve hated anything since Donald Sutherland’s character from Novecento. This is now officially the first lucha libre column to feature two Novecento references ever. Somewhere, Bernardo Bertolucci is smiling to himself while simultaneously searching the web to see if he’s been nailed for sexual harassment.
-Comandante starts fall three with a pretty good Giant Swing. That, Maravilla and Sanely’s brief offensive flurry have been the only decent parts of this match.
-Maravilla leading a comeback! YES!
-Now if only Sanely could drop a half decent senton.
-Now it’s a technica beat down. I’m still bored.
-Running splash off the apron by Vaquerita. The good news ends for the technicas there as Maravilla gets chokeslammed by Comandante (NO!!!) while Reyna taps out Sanely (eh *shrug*). Rudas win. I made the wrong choice in life watching this show. The only choice worse was CMLL leaving Zeuxis out of this match. Seriously; there needs to be a rule that makes sure Zeuxis is in all luchadoras matches for CMLL. Otherwise they’re like Anakin Skywalker; truly lost.
Johnny Idol, Drone, Stigma defeated El Malayo, Olímpico, Virus two falls to one
-Drone is in for Rey Cometa and is also team captain for the technicos, while Virus is rudo captain. This changes nothing about this match, which looks good except for the fact that walking Uwe Boll movie Olímpico is involved.
-Are the captains just starting every match tonight? Drone and Virus in doing mat work, which is better than all the other mat work thus far because Virus is involved.
-Just had a Twitter exchange with TKD 117 where I compared Drone replacing Rey Cometa to trading a Coke in for a Pepsi. He then asked me what the comparison to Dr. Pepper would be and I had to fight off the urge to say Olímpico right away. Don’t worry; I said it a few tweets later.
-Speak of the devil; Dr. Pepper just tapped out Johnny Idol before leading a triple team attack on Stigma. He sets the technico up for an awful Malayo dive to give the rudos a fall one victory. This show is so bad it may drive me to drink Dr. Pepper before it’s over. You’re gorram right I’m keeping this joke going for a bit.
-Fall two begins and this match continues on like a flat Surge.
-It should be required by CMLL for talent to learn beat downs from Puma, Tiger, Cuatrero, Forastero and Sansón. They could teach it right after “Don’t Destroy Último Guerrero’s Car 101.”
-HOLY FUCK DRONE JUST DOVE OVER THE TOP ROPE FOR A SUICIDE SPLASH FROM THE RAMP! Virus is cooked and we are tied. That is the best thing that’s happened all night. Perhaps Drone has just upgraded from Pepsi to Sunkist. Orange soda aficionados will understand this.
-DRON!!!!!!!! The old nickname is back for the night!
-Johnny Idol hits a splash and Rob Viper feels disgraced somehow. Pace has really picked up in this fall.
-Dear Olímpico; you suck. Go away. Signed, Cult.
-Stigma owning Olímpico, who sells Stigma’s offense as if Olímpico is Octagón. Maybe he is; have you ever seen them at the same time?
-Virus looks like he’s about to rip Tirantes in half. Maybe this should’ve just been Drone vs. Virus!
-SPEAK OF THE DEVIL! Virus and Drone are in, Virus is taking off the shirt and it is SLAP FIGHT TOIME!
-Johnny Idol breaks up the party with a superkick. Malayo takes out Drone, then gets taken out himself by Idol with a Lionsault. Technicos are close to victory!
-DRONE SUICIDA! Excuse me, I meant DRON!!!!!!!
-In what may have been the happiest moment of my life, Stigma hit Olímpico with a Backpack Stunner and pinned him for the clean win. REJOICE! REJOICE! Technicos win the best match of the night thus far. Granted two pizza pringle cans could’ve done better than the first two matches, but still; this was solid fun and Drone was really good. I’ll take that on this wasteland of a show.
Negro Casas defeated Volador Jr.
-It’s a great rudo vs. Negro Casas. I’VE SAID TOO MUCH!
-Chain wrestling to start. Don’t worry; these two know what they’re doing so it’ll work.
-Lots of Ingobernables fans in the crowd tonight. TRAITORS!
-As Casas works over Volador’s arm, I wonder to myself if there’s enough room for Volador to hit an apron powerbomb. Guess we’ll find out!
-CASAS SENTON TIME!
-Volador is back in and finally the pace quickens…in Casas’ favor. Is it officially time to break out Dusty Rhodes’ WHAT DA HELL IS GOIN ON HEH?!”
-Zacarias with an assist for Casas, but it only nets him a two count.
-Volador with a Superkick/Codebreaker combo. It only gets two. Crowd isn’t as into this as one would hope.
-Nice roll outs of La Casita from both men…until Casas catches Volador with it and wins the match. Huh? That’s it? LAME! The action was semi-decent but holy hell do you want more out of these two in a match like this.
-AND WE’RE GONNA GET IT! Casas gets on the mic and it looks like he’s gonna challenge Volador for NWA World Historic Welterweight Title shot next week! That should be much more fun than this.
-Just like Carlos Correa’s fiancé, Volador said yes! Title match next week. If Volador doesn’t bring out Rush to help him beat Casas, what is the point of anything?
Kráneo, Rey Bucanero, Terrible defeated Mistico, Niebla Roja, Valiente two falls to one
-Who did Kráneo and Mije sleep with to get into this main event and can they keep that arrangement forever?! More Kráneo and Mije in main events is a good thing as far as I’m concerned.
-This fall is beginning with…I’ll let the meme sum it up.
-I was so busy editing stuff that I missed how the fall ended. And it ended with a Kráneo big splash on Valiente and a Kráneo leg drop to Niebla Roja according to replay. A whole lot Kráneo and a whole lot of nothing else to this fall.
-There are nearly 3,000 people watching this show. At least I’m not the only one who fucked up tonight!
-Well at least Niebla Roja cares! Nice dive by him.
-Mistico hits a rana roll up on Kráneo that I can’t believe worked (and honestly, it pretty much didn’t) while Valiente submits Rey Rey Buc. We’re tied. May the third fall be short.
-ROJA THROWS MIJE OUT OF THE RING AND ONTO KRÁNEO TO START FALL THREE! Wait, why am I marking out over this? Oh man I’ve gone cross eyed.
-Is Valiente wearing gear with “Omega” printed on it in hopes of luring Kenny Omega into giving him a title shot?
-Niebla Roja is getting cheers. The universe is officially upside down.
-Roja and Terrible having a decent sequence…at least until the rudos come in. Roja fights them off, Rey Rey Buc gets crushed by Kráneo twice (by accident), and Roja then sends both to the floor. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; losing the mask really agrees with Niebla Roja.
-It is all falling apart, for both the rudos and my attention span.
-Rey Rey Buc and Terrible get Valiente and Niebla Roja into a Double Camel Clutch. For real. The technicos tap, the rudos win and I’m still not sure what the point of all this was. In any event, this was a match, this was a show and I really need to find better use of my time on Monday nights. Or maybe just replace Tirantes as booker. Yeah, that sounds better…
It’s time to hit the dusty trail sports fans. I’ll be back tomorrow to do the same thing with the Tuesday show I just did here. It’s so much easier this way, isn’t it?! Till we meet again, THIS!