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Old Man Golf - The Quest for Less Embarrassment

Updated on July 11, 2019
Uncle Bud Beasley profile image

Uncle Bud stinks at golf. He's tired of looking like a fool on the golf course, and so begins the search for enlightenment.

So there was this lady golfer teeing off on a long par four...

She hits her driver as hard as she can, and it takes this big slice over into another fairway where there are four men playing. Suddenly, one of the men grabs his crotch and falls over on the ground screaming in agony. The women rushes over and the guy is rolling around crying with both hands between his legs in the fetal position.

She says, “I'm so sorry! Let me help you, I'm a massage therapist.”

So she rolls him over, pulls his hands away, unbuttons his pants, zips down his fly, sticks both her hands down in his pants, and starts to rub. Sure enough, in a minute or two, he calms down a bit, and after about five minutes, he's laid out spread eagle.

So finally she says, “How does that feel?”

And he says, “It feels great, but my thumb is still killing me!”

Hi. I'm Uncle Bud, and this is Old Man Golf.

I know, some of you are wondering, “Just how old are you?” Well, on the day I'm writing this, I'm 58 years old. I've been playing at golf for about 35 years or so, but mostly only about five of six times a year. So I stink. I used to hit the ball pretty good, but I've put on a few pounds, and have stiffened up considerably, so now a 220 yard drive is pretty good for me. And that's only when it's not 80 yards right, so if you're in the adjacent fairway, watch out. I ain't no massage therapist.

I have little consistency, but when I do manage to repeat a shot, it's usually a slice. Or a hook. It's what's called "Marching Golf." Left, right, left, right. Of course, since I don't play often enough, I don't have an official handicap. But I recon if I break 100 I have done pretty good. That would make me, let's see... a 28?

But here's the deal. I have this job where I work with these young bucks in a lumberjack show, and we have started playing in charity tournaments. It's mostly best ball, so these boys carry me, and I don't mind so much, but I would like to at least not slow everyone down looking for my ball, and maybe use my shot every now and again.

So I have determined to get better. I guess I could take lessons, and maybe I will one day, but I think I can improve greatly on my own. Enter... Old Man Golf (OMG!)

"An Old Man will kick your ass when your not looking..."

Old Man Golf has nothing to do with age.

It's a philosophy. Old men have learned to do things with the least amount of effort, and with realistic expectations of the outcome of that effort. They're cagey, and when you break out your driver on that short par four and shank it into the woods, they hit a four iron 150 yards in the center of the fairway and are on in two. An old man will kick your ass when you're not looking. An old man doesn't give a damn what you think about his club selection. His goal is to shoot the lowest score possible with his skill set, and if you drive 280 and then hit your 58 degree wedge over the green, he'll hit a five and a seven and be dancing.

Less Ego = Lower Score

So this series is for the golfer that is ready to let go of the ego and bring his score down and have some fun. This is a game of golf, and a game is supposed to be fun. So join me on this journey to bring my score down. My first goal is to break 90 consistently, not lose so many dang balls and have a little more fun out on the fairways.

If this all sounds like something you might could benefit from, climb aboard. And comment! I need all the help I can get, and am smart enough to take the good, old enough to ignore what doesn't work for me, and secure enough to not give a damn about what anyone thinks about it.

See you in the fairway!

Help Me!

How do you think I can best lower my scores?

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