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Previously on Lucha Underground
Ladies, gentlemen, soon to be former politicians disgracefully removed from office, I have great news to tell you. In less than a week’s time, Lucha Underground’s third season will finally resume on the El Rey Network!
I know; it’s about damn time. Finally we can move away from hiatus’ forced by the TV Network, Dorian Roldan’s ineptitude, wrestler’s complaining about being held hostage right before they go have Match of the Year candidates for the second biggest promotion in the world and just a general lack of LU altogether! Things can now start to move forward again. There’s just one problem; it’s been so long that you may have forgotten just what was going on when LU was taken from us so suddenly this past January. And while the awesome new LU trailer does a great job getting you hyped for the things to come, it doesn't really let you know what came before. Luckily for us all I have a good memory, a computer with fast internet to get me the info I don’t remember and the need to write a column about this stuff while throwing in a few pop culture references because DUH! So with that, it’s time to take a stroll down memory lane. I can’t promise that I’ll mention everything or everybody involved with LU (not everyone has stories going on at the moment), but you can be damn sure I’ll do my best. So with that, previously on Lucha Underground! Or, as my favorite voiceover announcer would say, last time ON LUCHA UNDERGROUND Z!
1. Its Johnny Mundo’s…mundo, we just live in it. Get it? Cause Mundo is Spanish for world? Oh you’re poor sports. Anyway, not only is the Wednesday Night Delight the AAA Mega Champion, the AAA World Cruiserweight Champion AND the AAA Latin American Champion but he is in fact still the Lucha Underground Champion too, after he won the belt from Sexy Star right after Aztec Warfare III. He’s moved on from Sexy (for now) and now must deal with her best friend and lord of the microwave, Big Willie Mack. In fact, LU’s getting right to those two throwing down; they’ll kick off the second half of season three with an All Night Long match that’s probably going to leave you in tears of joy. Will Johnny retain? Will Big Willie win the biggest match of his life? Will Sexy Star somehow screw Big Willie as I was fearing before season three came to an abrupt halt? These are the questions you should be asking as Mack and Johnny do crazy things to each other over the course of the hour next Wednesday.
2. Speaking of Sexy Star, I’m pretty sure the hiatus has done nothing to change the fact that she’s more polarizing than an adaptation of Cloud Atlas directed by David Lynch. Never the less she remains the first former luchadora to hold Lucha Underground Champion, only she’s moved on from that to investigate the person who is both stalking her and sending her (Dr. Smith from Lost in Space voice) SPIDERS! That’s right; we’ve got a stalker dude who sends spider’s as presents. I’m not sure whether that means he’s awfully good at this or he’s not. Either way we don’t know who he is and Sexy appears to keep guessing wrong. First she wrongly accused former enemy Mariposa (who’s too busy dealing with family spats at the moment) and now she thinks suspects newcomer Veneno, who has the name and the spider looking mask to garner suspicion. The problem; Veneno is clearly an undercover Cortes “Officer Reyes” Castro, meaning that there’s very little chance he’s the guy unless he really, REALLY is taking his undercover more seriously than he needs to. I’d say to rest easy because we’ll find out who the dude/dudette is soon, but then I remember that some of you think of Sexy Star as LU’s Felicity Smoak and now the only thing I can say is…wait, what can I say? Let’s me just leave it by saying I get the sad feeling that Sexy will suspect Mack at some point and betray him, ending their super cool, super dorky friendship. That’ll hit me worse than the time Oliver and Slade stopped being friends; although I guess that did lead to them being friends again, so maybe it’ll do the same for Sexy and Big Willie. Hopefully they’re not on an island about to blow when that happens (spoiler alert!).
3. Aerostar, Fenix and Drago are still trios champions. Finally, champions who can hold their titles for a long ass time that aren’t Matanza! There’s just one problem; poor Drago is caught between his friends and the dastardly Reptile Tribe featuring Kobra Moon, a lizard named Pindar and a dinosaur named Vibora. Dear Grodd do I miss this show! Which side will Drago choose? I get the feeling that we may be seeing some Theon Greyjoy/Reek shit going on between him and the Reptiles; you know, minus the flaying and emasculating. Drago will end up being beaten into being a member of the tribe he left a thousand years ago and it’ll be up to Aerostar and maybe others to pull him back. Why just Aerostar? Because he seems to be the closest to Drago and I get the feeling that good ole Fenix is going to be moving on to other things at some point in the uncertain future.
4. Paul London is there! And he’s tripping acid and talking about white rabbits. It’s basically the Dolphin Video with Daniel Bryan, only Bryan’s been replaced by a mohawked rabbit and a guy in a checker’s board outfit and instead of talking dolphins we’re talking Jefferson Airplane. Needless to say it rules, there wasn’t nearly enough of it during the first half of season three and hopefully there will be more in the second half.
5. Famous B is now targeting Texano as his next client. Why not right? I mean Famous already has lured to luchadors under his steed in the past (Mascarita Sagrada and Dr. Wagner Jr.) and Texano only recently started to get over after a tremendous best of five series with Cage. Of course, Texano seems more interested in Famous’ sidekick Beautiful Brenda than Famous himself and, to this point, Wagner hasn’t been consulted on a former rival of his being added to this stable. Shit will hit the fan eventually sports fans, and somehow Famous will come out of it with his white suit unstained anyway.
6. Cage has a power glove. It’s so bad (shout out to all five of you who got The Wizard reference). It also may be turning him bad; since he won this mysterious power glove/gauntlet/whatever he’s seemingly been more aggressive, more vicious and more violent. That’s saying something considering Cage is a guy who once superplexed a woman through a table, from the ring to the floor. I’m not saying that this will turn Cage from loveable bad ass machine into loveable killing machine (face it; no one is really gonna boo Cage that much either way), but I’ve watched enough GOT to know that newfound power does two things; it corrupts and it brings a whole lot of peeps after you looking to take that power. In short, Cage is gonna have to fight for his right (to parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty!) to keep that glove and it’s going to be awesome to see.
7. Ricky Mandel has creepy pictures. You probably didn’t remember that, probably didn’t care and probably will when he winds up being the dude that stalked Sexy Star and sent her the spiders. Why? Because he’s a Johnny Mundo fan boy. That happened too. Man, maybe I should’ve spent this section talking about how Vinnie Massaro likes to eat pizza and chicken in the LU bathroom instead.
8. You could make the argument that Killshot was the best part of season’s three first half. The man who fights to forget (yes, I’m still in love with that line) had a killer match with Marty “The Moth” Martinez to kick the season off and was just cleaning off his dog tags when he was pulled into another battle. Only this one was somehow even more personal; you see, when Killshot was finally able to escape the war he thought he was the only member of his squad still alive. NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND! As it turns out, his good friend Dante Fox somehow survived as well, and he’s rage quitting over it so much it reminds me of the time my friend Roland was getting his ass kicked by a 13 year old in Red Dead Redemption years ago. It went something like this.
So yeah, Dante is ticked, Killshot is confused to how he’s alive and, because both guys happen to be awesome, high flying wrestlers, they’re now fighting their own private war out in the middle of the Temple. Great stuff; no really, it’s been awesome thus far. Their first match together was a balls to the wall LU classic that instantly made Dante Fox a star and it was merely a taste of what these guys can do together. I expect this feud to rage on for awhile as we continue to learn just what happened to Dante over there, culminating in the two finally coming to an understanding with each other or them fighting to the death in some unbelievable Ultima Lucha Tres match. It could go either way folks.
9. Its Marty the Moth time! Because who doesn’t love crazy fans who tie up wrestlers in their basement, do weird things to them and then play psychological warfare games just for kicks? Marty and his sister Mariposa have been doing that to perfection thus far, scarring Sexy Star for life and then pushing Killshot so far down the whole that he almost couldn’t get out. And now it’s only going to get stranger! The third season’s hiatus began with Marty betraying his sister because they’re just wacky like that, stalking Melissa Santos (who he’s tormented ever since joining LU) and getting tied up in the Temple basement by his sister because THEY’RE JUST WACKY LIKE THAT! I can only imagine that LU is finally looking to finally pay off the Marty/Melissa interactions this second half and, if the season three trailer from many moons ago is any indication, it’s probably going to involve Fenix at some point. That’s gonna complicate things for Fenix, considering he’s currently trying to save Drago from the brink and may soon be involved with yet another weird romantic subplot. This brings us to…
10. Catrina. It’s always Catrina. So what is her deal at the moment? Turns out, she’s in love with someone. Awesome. The problem is we don’t know who that is; we only know that it’s not Mil Muertes (AWKWARD!) and it’s not Jeremiah Crane, a former lover of Catrina’s who looks a lot like that Sami Callihan guy. Who is this person (key word there)? It could be Fenix, seeing how close he and Catrina used to be. It could be Cortes “Officer Reyes” Castro’s superior officer Captain Vasquez, a move that would make a million male viewers happy and someone who we know is connected to Catrina via some sort of ancient amulet. Hell it could be anyone; it could even be me (please be me). The point is that Jeremiah is fuming about this, Mil probably isn’t going to be happy when he finds out and, oh yeah, Ivelisse really isn’t going to be happy when she finds out all this. You may have forgotten by now, but Ivelisse and Catrina is still on course for Ultima Lucha Tres (whenever it happens) and Ivelisse is currently dating Jeremiah (and assumingly unaware of her boyfriend’s past connections with Catrina). That is a whole lot of moving parts to this story and a whole lot of places it can go. I love it!
11. You remember how Rey Mysterio Jr. began his LU career by going all the way to the final two in Azteca Warfare II, only to lose to Matanza? Well he returned the favor the next year by eliminating Matanza in Aztec Warfare III, costing the monster the LU Championship and making him really, REALLY angry. This is not good! The Monster then took out Rey, nearly took out El Jefe himself (THAT’S HIS BROTHER DAMMIT!) and then set his sights on Rey’s protégé El Dragon Azteca Jr. Big mistake for everyone. Dragon Azteca is really, REALLY good but he’s also really, REALLY impulsive and doesn’t appear to listen to anything his mentor tells him. Hence the first half of season three closed with Matanza and Azteca having a “Death Match” where Matanza ended up throwing Azteca through some bleachers. That’s right; through the bleachers. Let this be a lesson kids; when your mentor advises you to do something, LISTEN TO THEM! You could find yourself underneath the bleachers with a floorboard stuck somewhere you don't want it to be.
Luckily Rey is such a good dude that he was immediately there to try and avenge Azteca, and he did just that by back dropping Matanza through the roof of that closet area LU keeps in the corner of the Temple. So to recap; in the span of five minutes, one man went through bleachers, another went through the roof. The “BAH GRODD, THEY ARE BROKEN IN HALF” is real. Needless to say Azteca will be picking splinters out of his ass for awhile, Matanza will be…who even knows for awhile and all this should give Rey time to do cool lucha stuff, reminisce about retiring Chavo Guerrero Jr. and maybe pursue an LU title or two before Matanza comes back to kill him. Well him and Azteca; there’s no way the youngster isn’t back soon to do more awesome Tornado DDT’s, question everything Rey does and fall through some more bleachers. It’s kind of his thing now.
12. On the plus side, maybe Azteca can go lick his wounds in King Cuerno’s cabin if that happens again. That’s got to be where good ole Deer Antlers is right? We still haven’t seen the dude since Mil Muertes Tyrannosaurus Wrecked him at Ultima Lucha Dos and the only clue that he’ll be back is a quick shot of him in the LU season three trailer. My only guess is he’s there healing, looking at his mounted moose heads for entertainment and day dreaming of the day he can get that sweet revenge on Mil.
13. Speaking of Mil, he’s got quite a bit on his hands these days. Cuerno’s coming after him at some point, he’s about to find out Catrina is in love with some other person while having a number of other interests to boot AND he’s currently feuding with Prince Puma. The latter story stretches all the way back to Ultima Lucha Uno, where Mil Muertes defeated Puma to become Lucha Underground Champion. To say things haven’t been the same for Puma since then would be an understatement; he hasn’t really gotten close to getting the LU title back since, kinda sorta fell into the midcard and lost to Rey Mysterio at Ultima Lucha Dos (albeit in an awesome match). Now he’s under the guidance of the always trustworthy Vampiro and is looking to regain his mojo by taking down the dudes who stole it; and thus he’s after Mil and thus here we are. Can Puma actually do it? Can Mil continue to have Puma’s number (he did beat him in Grave Consequences III after all)? And seriously, what role does Vampiro play in this? I’m still not sure whether he’s actually interested in helping Puma, if he’s using Puma to get revenge on a man with Cero Miedo, or if this is all one big long con for Vamp to prove himself in the eyes of his former protégé. It’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma; hell, fucking Vampiro probably doesn’t even know! What I do know is that we probably aren’t finding out till the very end of the season. Hey, what another great transition by me! Why do I say that?
14. Because we’re immediately transitioning into another thing that likely won’t be resolved till the end of the season; that mysterious lord dude who Dario Cueto and Lorenzo Llamas (aka Councilman Delgado) work for. For all of El Jefe’s bluster and control he maintains over the guys and gals in the Temple, it’s pretty clear he’s powerless against this lord guy, who at this point remains an enigma besides the fact that he loves cigars, riding around in long ass limousines and speaks Spanish. There may have been something about him ascending or descending to at some point? Either way you know this guy is going to make an appearance soon and that he probably has something to do with this so called “Great War” Rey Mysterio, Aerostar and Captain Vasquez are all worried about. I’m just interested in seeing what El Jefe does when this guy comes into power. Even after all this time, Dario Cueto remains perhaps the most fascinating character in LU, which makes it all the more fascinating that a man with as much power as he is virtually powerless against this mysterious figure. What will he do when this lord rises? What can he do?
15. There’s a name you’ve all been waiting for me to mention. Wait no longer because it’s time to talk Pentagon Dark. In fact, here’s an update on his condition.
That’s right sports fans; you may have forgotten because it’s been so long but the truth is we hadn’t seen Pentagon Dark in awhile prior to that. Why? Because after two and a half seasons of making people’s lives miserable, Pentagon finally got what was coming for him when Black Lotus, Doku, Hitokiri and Yueri of the Black Lotus Triad broke Mr. Cero Miedo’s arm. Then immediately after that El Dragon Azteca Jr. came out and broke Pentagon’s other arm; HE HAS NO ARMS! Between this and Matanza sneaking out the backdoor at Ultima Lucha Dos thanks to Vampiro’s incompetence and El Jefe’s interference, you could say that Pentagon has basically hit rock bottom. That’s great! Now that he’s finally suffered in a way all his other previous victims have suffered, there’s only one thing left for Pentagon Dark to do; comeback even more badass then before and wreck everyone in sight. I think it’s going to happen folks. For all the bitching some people have about how Pentagon’s been used in LU, keep in mind he’s still the most over guy on the roster and the only dude not named Matanza to have pinned Rey Mysterio. And that was before this happened. Now he’s coming back having found the ocean floor and angry as hell; I’d bet anything that second half season three Pentagon is going to be one of the coolest, most diabolical dudes ever. Big things are on the horizon for him sports fans; you wait.
We’re done folks. I’m off till some point in the uncertain future, where I’ll have some more LU stuff, a CMLL review tomorrow (provided there’s actually a stream) AND a look at who should be the next CMLL Light Heavyweight Champion. Till that all comes to pass, THIS!