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Professional Football Preview
Professional Football Preview
Precious few non-participatory activities stimulate the sale of Doritos more significantly than watching football on the television. Sturdy men stride confidently into otherwise foreign territory, the supermarket, to stock up on multiple flavors of crunchy salty snacks. We salute red-blooded American curling up on the sofa every Sunday when they could be executing yard work or relating to their immediate family.
We don't know how it will all work out. Gruesome career-ending injuries may swing the balance of power during heart-stopping inter-divisional rivalries. Out-of-shape referees may misinterpret arcane rules during crucial end-of-game touchdown drives. We may run out of hyphens.
Regardless of how the season plays out, fearless prognostications must be presented. Opinions are like sweatsocks after a long hot two-a-day preseason practice: everybody has a few and they all stink. Should you find yourself confused by this, sit back and relax. Take a deep breath before not placing your bets through reputable offshore gaming web sites. We are all winners here.
Here come the predictions
In the interest of reaching acceptable word count levels, we present a compendium of brave predictions tightly focused on each team. Every team has players. These players work hard, train hard, and hold out even harder, but eventually they all show up when the real games begin. Feel free to depend on our opinions when organizing your fantasy team or explaining to the landlord why the rent is late from September through January.
The Team in Cincinnati: Team executives worked hard and drafted some new players. They cut some other players and signed free agents that other teams forgot about. Expect about 40 players to show up for each game and most of them to play a little.
The Team in Cleveland: Fans may be shocked to learn that the league did not contract in the off-season and Cleveland still has a team in it. Some of the players will play hard and make plays when plays need to be made. Other players will be hurt before the first seemingly interminable skein of pregame commercials.
The Team in Indianapolis: There will be a team and they will play in a stadium. Look for tackling when appropriate and Gatorade dumping when least expected.
The Team in Detroit: Lots of weights were lifted, sprints were sprinted, and incredibly complex plays were contrived on whiteboards. Now the team will put it all together. They will play one game at a time. They will leave it all on the field, except their uniforms, which would be really creepy.
The Team in Minnesota: Look for every player to have his own helmet that fits well on his head. The organization has no women on the roster. As the season progresses they come together and gel into a real team in the true sense of the word.
The Team in San Diego: Rookies will make a big splash and the veterans will have to put towels over their thousand dollar custom-tailored suits to prevent water damage. No one knows what to expect.
The Team in San Francisco: Some players will surprise and some will disappoint. Of course, there will also be a few athletes who no one has ever heard of and no one ever will. The season will be over shortly after the last game they play.
The Team in New York: Off-season acquisitions have improved talent on both sides of the ball. Underneath the ball and above the ball, things have not changed much. Inside the ball is still a huge mystery.
The Other Team in New York: No players have been arrested yet, but the season is young.
The Team in Los Angeles: oops. There's no team in Los Angeles.
The Team in Dallas: The most anticipated season since the last season appears on the figurative horizon. Fans will be shocked and amazed by the play of their favorite players as they play the games the way they should be played.
The Team in Houston: Expect this team to stretch the field vertically and horizontally until it virtually resembles a rhombus or perhaps a parallelogram. All the rules go out the window when these guys take the field. Thankfully, they always give it back by the start of the next game.
The Team in Seattle: Several famous faces are long gone, moving on to depress other teams in the league. A fresh corps of fresh-faced millionaires will step up and show their faces to everyone in the stadium.
The Team in Chicago: The tradition of Chicago football continues, with yet another team looking forward to not winning enough games. Look for loyal fans to live in the 1980's and talk with funny accents about their favorite professional football team in Chicago.
The Team in Buffalo: Players will put on uniforms and fans will sit in seats.
The Team in Jacksonville: These guys play the game the way it was meant to be played, while their coaches are throwbacks to a previous era and their fans are die-hard. It's a cliche festival wrapped around a classic athletic competition.
The Team in Miami: Somehow, some way, fans will tear themselves away from activities such as laying on the beach, walking on the beach, and swimming from Cuba to attend a game or two before the team falls out of contention.
The Team in Green Bay: Green Pay professional football leaves an indelible mark on the epic landscape of professional football history. Expect more marks this year.
The Team in Arizona: Shrewd moves during the off-season secured a stable price for hot dogs at the stadium. Aside from that, it's pretty much business as usual.
The Team in Carolina: Look for the team to make tough personnel choices during training camp. Look for fans to stare at the field in abject despair shortly after the opening kickoff through the final tedious seconds of the fourth quarter.
The Team in Tampa Bay: The players came together through a series of strenuous workout held in the parking lot just minutes before training camp opens. To a man, they know each other better than ever before. They used sharpie markers to write their names on their T-shirts.
The Team in Tennessee: Look for an offense operating with surgical precision. Anticipate a stingy defense reluctantly giving up points. Expect the team to lose because the dudes on the roster should be tightwad doctors instead of football players.
The Team in New England: Perennial reclamation projects will mesh with over-the-hill journeymen and join with with washed-up has-beens to morph into a team that takes the field and plays a game virtually every week.
The Team in Washington: Loyal fans in our nation's capital will be treated to sixty minutes of smash-mouth in-your-face no-holds-barred lay-it-on-the-line competition. Following that, they will put away their barbeques and stagger into the stadium.
The Team in Pittsburgh: They named their stadium after ketchup.
Doritos taste better when consumed from a reclining position on a sofa, couch, chesterfield, divan, or settee. It's all fun and games until someone loses the remote.