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Pumping Lucha: A Running Diary of the 2017 CMLL Bodybuilding Contest
Ladies, gentlemen, reddit trolls complaining about the circle jerk when they're in fact part of another circle jerk (CIRCLE JERK CEPTION!), it's time for the biggest even in lucha libre this year. An event where hopes will be realized, dreams will be dashed and many will wish they hadn't run out of that can of spray tan they were using earlier. I can only be referring to the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest. What is the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest you may be asking? Well, imagine if Vince McMahon tried to revive the World Bodybuilding Federation once a year, only he used luchador(a)s who wore the shortest speedos ever and looked like they had just thrown gallons upon gallons of Sunkist over themselves. Needless to say this is Valiente's favorite event of the year, an overall hilarious experience and we are going to enjoy it together live with a Running Diary! Why you may ask? Why not is the better question. And one I don't have to answer because it's my blog and WHATEVA, I DO WHAT I WANT! So grab yourself a cold one, all the Ahnuld gifs you can and enjoy cause we're breaking this bad boy down. Moses, drop the spray tan, get with the meme man. Look at that; we already have a candidate for "worst joke of the column!" I told you this would be fun.
12:51: We are live, a terrible metal cover of LMFAO's terrible "I'm Sexy and I Know It" song is playing and life is great! As we still have about nine minutes till show time, let's go over what will be happening on this show. Basically CMLL divides up this contest into five divisions; trainees (the noobs), beginner (noobs who are only slightly less noobish), intermediate (veterans), women (self explanatory there) and advanced (as Macho Man would say, the CREAM OF DA CROP, YEAH!). I don't quite recall how many luchadors are in each division but by the end each division is leveled down to a gold, silver and bronze style placement, with the winners going on to compete for the title of Mr. (or Ms.) CMLL. At least I think that's it; it's been a year since I watched one of these and I don't feel like going back to watch five minutes of last year's show to see if I'm right. It's the CMLL Bodybuilding Contest folks; I'm not going to strain something over it. That's Blue Panther Jr.'s job!
12:55: There are actually two more things to know. One, mini-estrellas do compete in this and once had their own division, only they haven't for since 2012. So don't be shocked if the division returns or if Zacarias and Microman make an appearance elsewhere. Also, occasionally doing well in this contest can lead to you getting a push. I say occasionally because Principe Diamante is still waiting for the push he was promised when he won last year. The point is, don't get too excited if your favorite wins this, cause he'll probably be jobbing to Raziel and Cancerbero by Easter.
1:04: Promoting is done and the show is up! And yes, I've included a link for the show below so you can follow along here. Aren't I swell?!
1:05: I had forgotten about this; last year they did a short training thing with trainees from CMLL's wrestling school. Virus is leading the exhibition and apparently Super Astro's son is part of this. Hope he's been laying off his dad's tortas before this shindig!
1:07: I would pay huge money to see CMLL make Mr. Niebla and Shocker do this workout thing. Would they last five minutes? Three minutes? Those two better hope my hostile takeover of Paco never comes to fruition.
1:10: We're now on our 9,000th exercise and Virus is turning into the drill seargent for Full Metal Jacket. We also have one pudgy luchador who unfortunately can't stretch much at all, to the point that I'm stunned Virus hasn't slapped the taste out of his mouth.
1:12: So these are puente olimpicos they're doing and THE PUDGY LUCHADOR DID IT! HE DID IT BAH GAWD!
1:14: That was short lived success for Pudgy Man; now he's falling all over himself doing a headstand while Virus has to try and keep him balanced. I can't be the only one wondering why he was chosen, right? Did Paco want him humiliated or is he one of those guys who does better when no one's watching?
1:15: Just learned Pudgy Luchador is named Tackle. That's the most appropriate name ever. We've now got the youngsters doing some grappling, snapemare and submission drills. All very smooth for the most part. Even Tackle did it well!
1:17: The good news; if these are Arkangel's trainees then at least they have the basics down. The bad news; they're still Arkangel's trainees and it's probably not getting much better than this. Tragic.
1:19: For the love of all things, how many variations of the same thing can these dudes do? Even Virus looks like he's about to fall asleep!
1:20: VARIATION! Now they're doing arm drags instead of snapmares. Scott Pilgrim may be appearing soon. Just a warning.
1:21: Now we're onto sweeps and tougher submissions. I was going to say Virus was awake but he hasn't said anything for a bit...wait there he goes! I can confirm Virus is still awake. At least someone is.
1:22: The sad thing is that these kids are doing some submissions better than some of the veteran luchadors. You ever watch Sangre Assteca try to put a leg lock in, forget how to do it five times then do it wrong? Cause that's happened, I've seen it and I've regretted my life choices ever since.
1:24: WILL THIS EVER END?!
1:25: Is it over?! DID I WILL THIS TO END?! DAMMIT I DIDN'T! The kids are now locking up and putting each other in cooler submissions than before. I can't wait for Tackle to try this.
1:26: GORY SPECIAL! I like this dude in the blue mask. BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE TACKLE DOING A ROMERO SPECIAL!
1:27: Just learned that the Vertebreaker Submission is in fact an Inverted Gory Special and now feel stupid for never knowing that. Blue mask is back in and puts on a very nice Torture Rack style submission. I take it he's more advanced than some of these other dudes.
1:28: BRIDGING INVERTED DEATH LOCK! Nice. Tackle now in with another Romero Special style thing. He then leaves because no one is allowed to do submission to him apparently. Virus chose wisely if that's the case.
1:31: I think we're finally done! Thank Grodd. Some of it was fun and other stuff had me wishing there was a tub and a toaster near by. Sorry, got a little too dark. We now get the luchadors introducing themselves and I learned the blue mask dude is Icaro. He, Tackle and Super Astro Jr. were my MVP's of that segment.
1:34: Now we have an announcer doing stuff, only I don't know what he's saying because I still haven't learned Spanish because I'm dumber than Ryback. Looks like we're starting though and I can see some trophies in the background. It looks like six of them, but I could be wrong.
1:35: Just learned one of the Roshfrans girls name is Marla. Cool.
1:36: MICROS DIVISION! BAH GAWD THERE'S A MICROS DIVISION AND HERE COMES MICROMAN!
1:37: So we have Microman, Chico, Chamuel and Angel. AND NOW THEY FLEX!
1:39: I gotta tell you; Angel looks like the clear winner to me. Dude looks like he's been hanging out with Valiente. Though he can't be now that I think of it; his speedo is too big!
1:42: COME MIRCOS AND VOGUE! LET YOUR BODY MOVE TO THE MUSIC!
1:43: I don't care what anyone says; Angel won that. If Microman wins it's the biggest robbery since the last suspension Roger Goodell handed out.
1:44: Random woman alert and naturally she's doing that stupid dance all the edecans do. Never have I been so happy to not remember the name.
1:46: More random women being brought in. I'm so confused, and yet somehow less confused than I usually am during a CMLL show! Well played Paco, well played.
1:47: Is it just me or are the girls getting younger and younger with each new one introduced?
1:48: Fredo Esparza and Rob Viper are actually suggesting on Twitter the competition is rigged in favor of Angel instead of Microman. PLEASE! Microman could look like Tackle and still win this. He's more untouchable than Marvel at this point.
1:49: And just like that the random women and Marcela are leaving. We now go live to my reaction to this whole thing.
1:50: Back to the competition! There are a shit ton of dudes in this one and the only names I picked out were Rey Infierno and Brazo Cibernetico, who I think may be a member of the Brazo family. The name was the giveaway.
1:52: I'm officially rooting for Gropp (I think that's the dude's name), if only because he has a lizard's mask. Cool shit.
1:53: And we finally have terrible technico music playing in the background! Only took them an hour. If we don't have the actual "I'm Sexy and I Know It" version played then what is the point of anything?
1:55: Can you pull something while flexing? Cause these guys ar elooking like they're pulling everything. Also, number four is definitely the leader in the clubhoue from the first five that went.
1:56: Now time for the second five, featuring Gropp, Brazo Cibernetico, Randy Banderas and (I'm not making this up) Sexy Espartan. Because yes, even the Spartan's now must be sexy. What's next, Sexy Toad?
1:58: Brazo has this sports fans. Not only does he look like he was cooked in a Pizza Hut oven, but that speedo is so short it's horror movie terrifying. Throw in the family connection, Gropp only having a cool mask and Espartan looking like he's about to shit himself every time he flexes and it's in the bag.
2:00: We've now reached the point where the trainees each do their naked man pose. Somewhere Barney Stinson is so proud.
2:02: Participants 3, 4, 6, 7 and 8 are called back to flex, which means Gropp has a shot! Unfortunately so does Espartan, who has gone from having the "I NEED TO SHIT!" expression to Tom Cruise when he learned Goose was dead. YOU GOTTA LET 'EM GO SPART!
2:04: I'll give Espartan this; at least he doesn't look like he's about to witness an alien burst out of his stomach like #4 was. Sad thing is that guy will probably win too!
2:05: Next up, Mr. Announcer man introduces us to the judges. Riveting stuff. Can we bring out the next selection of burnt pieces of toast already?!
2:08: Friend of the column Eve has informed me that Gropp is in fact named Croc. I am both furious for getting his name wrong and happy it's Croc because that makes way more sense.
2:09: Victor Flores is given some props before we finally move on! Sangre Imperial, Retro, Sonic, Pequeno Olimpico, Mercurio, Acero, Coyote and SOBERANO are the contestants. I mean let's call it now; SOBERANO FOR THE WIN!
2:11: I am simultaneously thrilled Soberano is here and embarrassed he's having as good a time as he is. He's like Valiente happy about it. And Valiente would make love to this competition if he could!
2:13: Happy to report that no one looks like they're about to shit themselves. Also happy to report that Soberano totally has this. The only one close is Sangre Imperial and the only thing Sangre Imperial is winning is the "CMLL Newcomer Most Likely to Be the Next Bengala" award. That's not a good thing.
2:15: LOL SOBERANO IS BLOWN UP FROM FLEXING! The dude can do fifteen different dives in a match and not be winded and here he looks like he's about to expire. I kid cause I love Soberano.
2:16: Soberano, Coyote, Sangre Imperial, Sonic and Pequeno Olimpico are called up for more. Soberano is still WAY too into this. It's as if he's about to take Sanson's mask at the 85th Aniversario. Too soon to hope? NEVER!
2:19: Here's what Soberano looks like right now.
2:20: At least Soberano is trying; Acero looks like the most disinterested man ever doing this. Which makes sense, considering his wrestling style is the equivalent of Hayden Christensen's acting style; do nothing and hope it's over quickly.
2:23: And with that they disappear until Soberano returns to collect his trophy. Three down, three to go!
2:25: Now we have a woman who I've never seen before out there posing. The good news; Eve doesn't know who she is either so I'm not alone there! Thank Grodd.
2:27: Turns out the random woman is Susanna Quintero, who is a bodybuilder. And with that the great mystery is solved. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET SCANTLY CLAD LUCHADORS BACK OUT SO WE CAN JUDGE THEM FOR THEIR MUSCLES AND SPRAY TANS?!
2:29: Victor Flores with another shout out. Did he fund this show or something? Who cares cause IT'S FITNESS TIME AGAIN!
2:30: Our next contestants include Titan, Fiero, Magia Blanca, Niebla Roja, Akuma, Euforia, Cuatrero, Sanson, Fugaz, Atomo and Tihegus. Oh and Sensei. Woo.
2:33: Magia Blanca would be my favorite from this group, but Niebla Roja is there and looks like this.
2:35: Holy shit the baby oil on #23 is out of control. It looks like he just went swimming in it. Also, Titan...dude...stop stuffing your tights. Or at least tuck that bad boy in. No one wants to see that.
2:37: I take it back; Big Euf has got this bad boy. LOOK AT THAT PHYSIQUE!
2:38: Seriously; did Roja just dump all the spray tan in the world onto himself?! There's burnt and then there's whatever he's going for, which is either burnt pizza or worst ever Antonio Banderas as Zorro cosplayer from where I'm sitting.
2:42: I swear CMLL, if you don't give us Euforia winning this round, leading to a Euforia-Soberano face off then I will rage quit so bad there won't be enough "u mad bro's?!" to calm me down. The people want Euforia v. Soberano; THE PEOPLE NEED EUFORIA V. SOBERANO!
2:43: Titan, Sensei, Cuatrero, Euforia and Roja are called back up, so those are the favorites. THE DREAM IS ALIVE FOR BIG EUF!
2:45: You know what else is disturbing me about Roja; the bro keeps smiling throughout all his poses like he knows he has it in the bag. That's James Spader creepy. I will concede it's better than Euforia's facials though, which make him look like he's trying to remember lines from Hamlet. To pose, or not to pose...that is the question.
2:48: And on we go to what I'm sure is more stalling with celebrities I don't know. Just bring out who's next announcer dude! Valiente has been waiting for his moment of triumph long enough.
2:49: Time for the women's division. Princesa Sugehit, Dalys and Sanely (who is about to give Fredo a heart attack). Highlights of this are Dalys looking like a completely different person and Sanely being as naked as possible without being naked. It's like the world's weird beauty pageant.
2:53: What a weird voice Sanely has. She sounds like Spanish Ron Schneider.
2:54: Princesa Sugehit deserves to win this because she a) is at least wearing clothes and b) doesn't look like she was just resurrected prior to the show. Naturally it'll come down to Dalys and Sanely, which at least could lead to a Sanely victory and Dalys throwing her out of the ring in rage.
2:56: I'd have given my Batman Bobblehead to have watched this show with Zeuxis. I imagine if she's watching this somewhere and reacting like this.
3:00: Just to review; Sugehit should win, totally won't win and Sanely will win leading to a thousand teenage lucha fans doing unspeakable things to themselves while Dalys rage quits. The CMLL Bodybuilding Contest everyone! That leaves just one division left before the awards so hold onto your butts.
3:04: Wait...are we already done?! We can't be; I haven't seen Valiente yet!
3:05: Crisis averted! Here come the advanced guys as soon as the announcer is done failing to get the crowd hyped up. We've got...Astral, Esfinge, Electrico, Terrible (that sound you hear is Eve marking out), returning champion Principe Diamante and Espiritu Negro. NO VALIENTE?!
3:12: I'm not paying attention to this because I CAN'T BELIEVE VALIENTE ISN'T IN THIS! How could you Paco? You know this is what Valiente lives for, especially since he has to wear pants again now. YOU HAVE DEPRIVED HIM OF HIS ONE DAY HE CAN BE AS NAKED AS HE WANTS! For shame...FOR SHAME! I am disappoint.
3:14: Having finally taken a look at the participants, I am sad to conclude that Esfinge is going to take this. Fucking A man. First no Valiente and now Esfinge is going to win something. We are truly in the darkest timeline.
3:16: I have entered Principe Diamante's mind and can read his thoughts. Here's what he's thinking; "I know this didn't do anything for my career last year, but if I win it again they have to push me! They just have to! No more Raziel and Cancerbero matches for me! MY LIFE IS A LIE!"
3:18: We now take some time out of this contest to once again put over Victor Flores. Seriously; is he the greatest guy in this competition's history or something?!
3:20: Esfinge, Astral, Electrico and Principe Diamante get the call back for one more pose. I'm over this; can we just get to the trophy presentation so I can go check on Valiente? WILL SOMEONE THINK OF VALIENTE?!
3:22: Just had a thought; what will happen to speedo, baby oil and spray tan sales in Mexico after this? Will they go into crisis mode or something? Cause I'm pretty sure all the spray tan in Mexico can be found in Arena Mexico right now.
3:24: Big ups to Esfinge; he's the first guy to look like a Magic Mike extra while also seemingly being on the verge of shitting any second now.
3:25: Look at Diamante trying to cut Terrible out of the group!
3:26: Over 1,260 people are watching this right now. I don't know whether to be proud or embarrassed I'm part of that number! Who cares; TROPHY TIME!
3:29: So we start with the Micros. Microman, Angel and Chico. At least I think his name is Chico. Microman is announced first, so I'm not sure if he won or got third.
3:31: Chico gets second, which means Angel is your Micros winner! You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of lucha fans RAGING!
3:34: Next up are the trainees. KROCK IS THIRD! Well done Lizardman, and I finally figured out how to spell his name. Second place is...Mascar? Was that the name? Angel de la Mor is first, which isn't a surprise at all. 2 for 2 thus far for me! Also, second place was Mosca. Thanks Eve!
3:38: Alright guys, move it along so we can get Soberano back out here!
3:40: Coyote is third place, Sangre Imperial is second place and YEAH BABY! YEAH BABY! I REALLY LIKE IT! King Soberano is first, bringing him one step closer to becoming Mr. CMLL!
3:44: NEXT CATEGORY! Cuatrero gets third, Titan (TITAN?!) gets second and Niebla Roasted (credit Eve with that one) gets first. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not only does Euforia not win but he doesn't even place? This is the biggest travesty since Valiente wasn't allowed in!
3:45: Don't get too close to Roja trophy people; don't want to get that spray tan on you!
3:47: I hope to one day be as excited about something as Soberano is this contest.
3:48: Women's time. Sugehit is third (as expected). Second is...Sanely?! Good lord, Negro Casas paid off Victor Flores Morales or whatever his name is to give it to Dalys again! I'd be outraged if I wasn't already outraged over Euforia's snub and Valiente not being in this at all.
3:51: LOL LOOK AT SUGEHIT! She knows this is stupid too. All the more reason she deserved to win this.
3:53: Only two rewards left before I can go home and rethink my life! I'm counting the seconds down. Also, someone should tell Soberano that when he covers his waste area he looks like he's completely naked. PICK A BIGGER SPEEDO NEXT TIME SOBERANO!
3:54: Defending champ Principe Diamante will not repeat; he's third in the advanced division. Second is Electrico which puts Astral at number one. We now live in a world where Astral won something. What is life?
3:56: So it comes down to this; Soberano vs. Niebla Roasted vs. Dalys vs. Astral for the right to be Mr. (or Ms.) CMLL. Although I guess Dalys is already Ms. CMLL. Would she then become double secret Ms. CMLL if she wins it all? I need to know these things.
4:01: Soberano is so excited he can't stand still! You gotta love him, which is why he's totally going to be fourth place.
4:02: Soberano is to bodybuilding what CM Punk is to authority.
4:05: ENOUGH POSING! JUST ANNOUNCE THE WINNERS ALREADY!
4:10: AWWWW! Soberano brings out Euforia, gives him his trophy and they hug. Awesome moment. NOW GET TO THE RESULTS DAMMIT!
4:11: And the 2017 Mr. CMLL winner is...Astral! Not as cool as if Soberano won it but nice for Astral; he can finally put something on his trophy case!
And with that, IT'S DONE! IT'S OVAH! I'm not sure whether that was three hours of my life I'll never get back or three hours I'll cherish forever. I'll need some serious soul searching and FIFA 17 to figure that out I suppose. Speaking of which, I'm off to do that! Hope you enjoyed this wild ride and we'll see you again for it next year (and you'll see me again tomorrow for some CMLL previewing). Till then, THIS