Rutgers Fires Abusive Coach Rice, He Retaliates
One full day after ESPN aired a video chronicling Rutgers' basketball coach's highly abusive and offensive coaching method, Rutgers succumbed to the mounting firestorm of criticism and fired the fiery coach. Earlier, the video in which coach Rice kicks, pushes, pulls, slaps, punches and throws balls at and curses out his players had gone viral. Everyone knows as soon as a video of something goes viral you must either fire someone (Coach Rice) or sign them to a lucrative long term contract (Gangnam Style).
Coach Rice Reacts
After hearing the news the reactions varied widely. While the entire basketball team of Rutgers took a collective sigh of relief, Coach Rice's reaction was quite different. When Rice was approached by some reporters to ask about the news of the firing, Rice cursed out the reporters, cornered 5 of them and beat them all up with their own cameras and recorders. He then picked up a passing car, lifted it over his head and threw it a quarter of a mile at the rest of the reporters who were running away in terror, crushing a number of them. Fortunately, they were all AP reporters so nobody really cared.
He then called out Rutgers University's management: "You are all a bunch of lazy, no good, self-hating, spineless bunch of losers. I was whipping those useless, lumpy, brain-dead kids you call "basketball players" into shape, something that their worthless parents had given up on. But you boneless frogs didn't appreciate my services. You mean less to me than earth worms. If your mom knew about your orientation she'd hang herself. If your dad knew what you all do with yourselves when your'e alone he'd behead himself. I'm going to find each and every one of you and shove a dozen fully inflated basketballs up your noses. I'm going to whip you all into shape. When I'm done with your only wish will be that your mom had never seduced your drunk dad who had passed out on the side of the road so that you would not have been conceived."
Subsequently, Rice went on a rampage on the streets of New Jersey, smashed cars, shattered light poles and destroyed all the bland, industrial buildings he could get his hands on. When the police tried to stop him with their high powered weapons, bullets harmlessly bounced off Rice. He then tried to find a high rise building to climb but since there aren't any in New Jersey he had to cross the water and climb a building in Manhattan. By that time, the entire city had fled in terror as coach Rice stood atop Empire State building, bumping his chest, throwing basketballs at people as far away as in Philadelphia, and bellowing ferociously.
Soon, F22 fighters approached, strafing him with shells and missiles but to no avail. Eventually, an off-duty security guard from Djibouti spiked a fruit smoothy with rat poison and left it on the roof while Rice was swatting down the approaching fighter planes. Tired and thirsty from his tirade, Rice noticed the poisoned smoothy, drank it, became disoriented and finally fell to his demise.
Down below, as people gathered to watch in awe the awesome beast, one of them said "the planes got the beast!" but the off-duty security guard from Djibouti corrected him: "Oh no... It wasn't the planes that got him... It was the fruity that got the beast."