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Rutgers Fires Abusive Coach Rice, He Retaliates

Updated on April 3, 2013
Rice Kong Rises
Rice Kong Rises

One full day after ESPN aired a video chronicling Rutgers' basketball coach's highly abusive and offensive coaching method, Rutgers succumbed to the mounting firestorm of criticism and fired the fiery coach. Earlier, the video in which coach Rice kicks, pushes, pulls, slaps, punches and throws balls at and curses out his players had gone viral. Everyone knows as soon as a video of something goes viral you must either fire someone (Coach Rice) or sign them to a lucrative long term contract (Gangnam Style).

Coach Rice Reacts

After hearing the news the reactions varied widely. While the entire basketball team of Rutgers took a collective sigh of relief, Coach Rice's reaction was quite different. When Rice was approached by some reporters to ask about the news of the firing, Rice cursed out the reporters, cornered 5 of them and beat them all up with their own cameras and recorders. He then picked up a passing car, lifted it over his head and threw it a quarter of a mile at the rest of the reporters who were running away in terror, crushing a number of them. Fortunately, they were all AP reporters so nobody really cared.

He then called out Rutgers University's management: "You are all a bunch of lazy, no good, self-hating, spineless bunch of losers. I was whipping those useless, lumpy, brain-dead kids you call "basketball players" into shape, something that their worthless parents had given up on. But you boneless frogs didn't appreciate my services. You mean less to me than earth worms. If your mom knew about your orientation she'd hang herself. If your dad knew what you all do with yourselves when your'e alone he'd behead himself. I'm going to find each and every one of you and shove a dozen fully inflated basketballs up your noses. I'm going to whip you all into shape. When I'm done with your only wish will be that your mom had never seduced your drunk dad who had passed out on the side of the road so that you would not have been conceived."

Subsequently, Rice went on a rampage on the streets of New Jersey, smashed cars, shattered light poles and destroyed all the bland, industrial buildings he could get his hands on. When the police tried to stop him with their high powered weapons, bullets harmlessly bounced off Rice. He then tried to find a high rise building to climb but since there aren't any in New Jersey he had to cross the water and climb a building in Manhattan. By that time, the entire city had fled in terror as coach Rice stood atop Empire State building, bumping his chest, throwing basketballs at people as far away as in Philadelphia, and bellowing ferociously.

Soon, F22 fighters approached, strafing him with shells and missiles but to no avail. Eventually, an off-duty security guard from Djibouti spiked a fruit smoothy with rat poison and left it on the roof while Rice was swatting down the approaching fighter planes. Tired and thirsty from his tirade, Rice noticed the poisoned smoothy, drank it, became disoriented and finally fell to his demise.

Down below, as people gathered to watch in awe the awesome beast, one of them said "the planes got the beast!" but the off-duty security guard from Djibouti corrected him: "Oh no... It wasn't the planes that got him... It was the fruity that got the beast."

Coach Rice threatening to beat up his team, the referees and the photographer
Coach Rice threatening to beat up his team, the referees and the photographer | Source

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I just watched the videos of this Looney online yesterday. The guy as a screw loose somewhere. I enjoyed your take on it...good laughs.

    • RonHawk profile image
      Author

      Ron Hawkins 4 years ago from California, United States

      @billbuc,

      It is astounding to watch. It is because so may players took it and didn't walk away. It is astounding that the school knew about it and didn't do much, because I guess sport programs are that important. And Rice's apology is just the typical joke which our society nurtures and accepts: that you apologize only when you're caught, and only in carefully chosen words that are cliche and empty, and only because you are doing damage control and not because you mean it.

      It is also astounding that in this day and age there are still these public figures who are just oblivious to so much, when there are cameras and recorders coming out of people's ears, with cheap phones that have high power recording abilities to grab, and there are such means of instance and massive propagation of news, such as youtube and Facebook.

      Lastly, I guess sports is so much more important than everything else that coaches and players are in pressure cookers to win at all costs, that this coach thinks degrading, humiliating, abusing and assaulting his players is more important than them teaching them a thing or two about life through sports. It's not like they're in a learning environment. Heaven forbid, it's only a school. I just wonder how he raises his own kids.

      Thanks for your fine comment, as always! I appreciate it.

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