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Six Reasons Prom is Actually Terrible

Updated on January 10, 2015

1. The prices. I'm sorry, but shelling out 15 bucks alone for a flower you tie around a girl's wrist so it can be crushed two minutes into a date is not my idea of a good time. If a one-night event is gonna cost you that much, it should at least provide transportation. But no, that's another hundred bucks per hour you can spend to buy your evening's overpriced stretch hook-up-mobile. Enjoy your prom dinner, kiddies. It's the last thing you'll be able to afford until your date is married with kids in suburbia and you've purchased your 18th cat.

2. The clothes. Nothing says "night to remember" like having your strapless dress slip down in front of a couple hundred people. Hats off to the gentleman for shelling out hundreds for their suits, plus the inevitable late fees when you're too busy with your third-day prom-hangover to return it. And have fun with your post-prom ankle injuries from the 8 inch torture devices and rashes from your first-ever and soon to be ill-maintained bikini wax. Thinking about going in casual wear? Have fun being shunned by everyone else in the room who spent THEIR while day in a salon so they can get their coveted glorified ponytail . But hey, if you want to spend your night feeling like you've just been embalmed and are headed to your casket, go ahead. Either way you'll end up on your back, feeling stiff, and questioning what you've done with your life.

3. The parents. People are literally forced to prom by their parental units. Now that you've been plucked, shimmered, and shoved into an uncomfortable outfit, your parents need legitimate documentation that you've done more with your high school career than sit on your ass in your boxers playing Grand Theft Auto and belching the Modern Family theme. Get your best forced smile ready, folks. And don't forget to post all 156 versions of the nearly identical photos on Facebook.

4. The Sexpectations. If it isn't weird enough that your parents are so into you going to this glorified hoe-down, they are overly aware that it is a HO-down. There is a long-standing tradition of getting some at the end of prom night. It is expected you to go to this party at which it is EXPECTED you sleep with your date at the end of the evening. You do what you want with your body. Don't let your date tell you that it's prom, so it's expected of you. Seal your legs as tightly as the school's budget if that's how you're comfortable. Don't expect your date to hit their knees just because you pinned a flower to their blazer. It's prom, not your wedding night. Speaking of which....

5. The date. It's the same question each time, rattled off like a phone number, smile so wide you swear you can see down to their empty, prom-dieted stomachs; "how did they ask you?!" Wether or not you have a significant other, you should be able to go stag. It shouldn't be such an obsession. How many bad 1980s movies are centered around people trying to pull their coke-stained neon-clad selves together in time to get the all-important date to prom? You do you. You can go with a date, with friends, or not at all. Hell, stay home, at least then you can at least dance by yourself to music that doesn't make you want to hang yourself with the cheerily-colored cheap prom streamers.

6. The pressure. The "Most Important Night Of Your High School Career" does not need to be decided years in advance by the PTA's calendar. It is just a dance. If you've been to your school's winter formal, spring fling, or seen Carrie, you've been to prom. This is not Passover. Nothing makes this night different than all other nights. IT IS JUST A DANCE. You will awkwardly jump up and down to bad music, get tired too early, and if you're REALLY special, a drunk idiot may puke on you. This crap happens no matter what. Prom doesn't have to. This doesn't have to be the "best night of your life". It doesn't have to be a "night to remember" or an "evening to cherish". It can be the night you watched 3 seasons of Buffy and dressed you cat up like Giles. Don't let anyone tell you how to enjoy yourself.

Happy Prom!


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